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I'm not a parent, (I think...) but I really wanted to share this, as I've been on this website for 2 days and today something awesome is happening (I think...) at my house.

I live at home with my parents and older brother. My brother has had the aspergers diagnosis for 15 years now, and I've "only" gotten my PDD-NOS and ADHD for 2 years.

The situation is as following; because my brother has always been seen as the "needy" child, I have been pretty much ignored in all my pleads and requests for change to fit MY needs.
I've got a huge "need to go forward" drive inside of me, and help around the house by cleaning the bathroom, vacuum, cooking, making sure the kitchen is tidy and the dishwasher is empty, that sort of stuff while my brother thinks having to cook once a week is something he can half the time "don't feel like".

We've only been doing this "sharing" for 2 years now, and my biggest complaint is that while I've been expanding my chores, my brother is still only cooking once a week and if he does feel like it, can easily open three different cans of soup from the back of the cubbard and call that "your dinner" while he puts 6 pieces of dry bread on a plate and goes back to his room. My parents can't seem to understand that his situation is something that holds me back as well. I know it's stupid, but I don't feel like doing more work after I just cleaned the bathroom and my brother takes a dump and comes out saying "Meh, I don't feel like cooking today".

However.. today my mom had to go to the ear doctor for a hearing test after work, and my dad was home from work a little later too and it was my brother's day to cook. Which of course he tried bullshitting his way out of with the usual "well my theory was that I could start making dinner but risk ruining it because I have no idea about what time you'd be home".

But my parents aren't buying it this time. I went upstairs and started typing this after my brother tried bribing my parents with more "live in" money so he doesn't have to do more chores and my dad started yelling "This isn't a #$^% hotel!".

Let's hope my parents have finally realized they have two very different sons they either have to treat the same, or totally different, but not some kind of mix that leaves my brother able to do everything (read nothing) he wants.

I have to add that my brother will make a big scene whenever they tell him something and I'm generally very timid and will say "yes sir". Something I think my parents -used- rather than -worked with/around-.


I'll end with a question so you people got something to reply to:
Any other people here with their own "needs" who feel they've been neglected by their parents because there's a "more needy" person around, or maybe general inacceptance of your situation?
Or any parents that feel they have a harder time understanding their "lesser needy" child than their "more needy" child?

My sister has Classic Autism, so she obviously needs more attention than me. It can be slightly frustrating at times but I understand that her receival of more attention is necessary.

My eldest, my son, was always quirky from day 1, but it came across as being that he was brilliant. By 2.5 it was like talking to a 5 year old. He was charming, sweet, well-behaved (though very hyperactive and impulsive, but even through all of that, all you could really see was how sweet he was). My younger child, my daughter, was non-verbal at 2, headbanged, did not respond to her name most of the time, had difficulty following commands; in other words was much more "severe."

Before the severity of my daughters issues was un-ignorable, I had started looking in to getting my son some "help." I didn't know exactly what to make of him, so I didn't really know where to look. But he couldn't walk down stairs at the right age, he was bumping in to kids at school, he was revving himself up to the point of bursting in to tears for no reason, etc. I had him evaluated by the school; they called him "extremely exuberant" and "smart" and offered no help or no suggestions. I took him to a neurologist who literally walked into the room, took one look at my 4 y/o son who was climbing on the furniture, and told me he needed to be medicated. I ripped him out of that room without even finishing the interview.

However, as my daughter's issues became increasingly obvious, my focus switched to her. I still loved my son, played with him, spent time with him, etc, but my focus on finding out how to help him was...well...gone. Not because I didn't care, but because being a working mother of a toddler who is getting 20+ hours of services a week is time consuming.

It wasn't until my son was in 2nd grade that his issues escalated to the point of being un-ignorable. He was a wreck and his teacher was saying she could no longer manage him in the classroom. Then I intervened with swiftness.

I feel really bad about this every time I think of it.

Really bad.

When my daughter was younger, I used to do everything in my power to prevent a meltdown. For awhile, I didn't even realize that what I was doing might not be wise. I was not allowing her to grow at all, because I was not ever making her stretch her boundaries. Everything was exactly how she wanted/needed it to be, 100% of the time. One day I realized that life isn't like that. Not for her. Not for anyone. If I ever wanted to give her the chance to be independent, I had to stop protecting her from everything that could possibly upset her and start teaching her how to deal with it.

I am sure if my kids would have been older when all of this was going on, my son would have said that I was ignoring his needs to meet his sisters needs. He was just too young to realize this.

As parents, sometimes we slip into what is easiest or least conflict-causing. Parents have a lot more on their plates than being parents and sometimes it is exhausting and all you want is peace. My son is probably more like you: helpful, more laid back, thoughtful, etc. My daughter is probably more like your brother: a more...tempestuous temper, more focused on her own needs, etc. Don't get me wrong, my daughter is a great kid. I think most parents would love to have a kid like her, but in comparison to her brother, she has the much "stronger" personality.

I think the point I am trying to get to is that while I do not see your parents' way of dealing with you and your brother as "right" or "best" in the longrun, I do kind of get how they got to where they are. It can be very complicated and exhausting and sometimes we make mistakes. I guess I am thankful that I noticed my mistake early on.

May I ask why your brother not doing his share makes it more difficult--holds you back-- from doing your share? My initial thought on this is that the most effective way for you to gain peace with this and move forward is to do some cognitive work yourself since you cannot control other people's behavior.

I think probably part of why your parents make you do chores, is so that you are used to it, someday if you get out on your own. That does not mean they should take advantage of you. Do your parents do chores, too, or do they just give it all to their kids to do?

Do you work? If so, do you pay rent? If you pay rent, depending on how much you pay, you may be able to make a persuasive argument about cutting some of the work you do at home. If you live there for free, your parents will probably not find this persuasive. They will not care that your brother does less than you. They will feel that you can do more and so therefore you should do more. If they get fed up with how little he does, that will almost be a separate issue to them. It will be because they need him to acquire more skills, too. They also will not necessarily think a diagnosis for you will be a mitigating factor. If you could do the chores before, you can still do them now, from their point of view.

Also, if you are not paying rent and you want to use the extra time for something fun, that will not be persuasive. If you want to use the time to work on skills you need for employment, or something practical, that will be more persuasive.

If you work, and make enough to move out, and the work distribution strikes you as unfair, then you have a good case. You could tell them that it is unfair, and you might as well live on your own, because then you would only have to do chores for one, instead of for a whole family. Then, if they want you there to help your brother and help them with the workload, then they will have to work with you and be more fair.

More details would us figure out what advice to give. I am assuming you would like some because you are posting on the parent board.

I have two very different children who are only one year apart. My son in some ways seems very similar to you in that he has PDD-NOS and ADHD and in other ways very different, and my daughter is NT. Both are very intelligent, and generally well behaved.

I really try hard to make things mostly fair at home. I try to recognize my children's strengths and weaknesses and work with them. But to be honest, it is very hard sometimes. When I tell my son to clean the living room, something both of my children have been taught to do, he never does a good job without further intervention, such as a list of what exactly he needs to do, or me coming in to check several times to see what else needs to be done. It takes him much longer to complete the task. He is not trying to be difficult. He doesn't argue or complain (at least no more than I would expect from any child). He just does not "see" what I see needs to be done. He may spend 20 minutes picking up bits of trash on the floor and leave the pair of shoes and bag sitting there. He has a hard time telling the trash that needs to be picked up by hand and the trash that can be picked up by the vacuum. He will arrange and organize all the pillows, but leave the drinking cups sitting on the tables. When I tell my daughter to clean the living room, it may only take her 10 or 20 minutes. She may not focus on any details, but will do all the steps, and not leave out anything obvious. It will be typical for a teenager and "good enough." Sometimes, it is just easier to ask my daughter to do something, because I know I don't have to supervise her and I can trust her to do a "good enough" job. Sometimes, I am tired after a long day and don't think my patience is there to work on "teaching" my son again something that seems so easy to me.

My daughter told me last year that she didn't want to tell me when she had a bad day at school or needed help, because we (her parents) were always so tired and having to deal with school issues with her brother. I had to make a concerted effort to take time to ask her in detail about her day and really make her feel heard when she was struggling with something "normal." It would be so easy just to let her handle it, because I know she could, but it would not be right.

It is very hard to be a parent, sometimes. Much harder than I ever imagined when I was in my 20's and looking at all the things I believed my own parents and the parents of children around me did and were doing wrong. I said "I would never do that." I never knew how hard it really was to always make the good decision for your child, no matter how bad your day was, no matter how low your energy, no matter how thin your patience, and no matter how if you didn't really know what the "right" thing to do was. I am not complaining really. I love my children, and freely give this to them. I want them and cannot imagine ever not having them. But I am human and not always logical and sometimes make hasty decisions and never am I the "perfect" parent I imagined I would be.

Ain't that the truth.

In fact, your whole last paragraph sums it up nicely.