Asperger family...could use some help

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Long story short...my husband and I along with our 1 year old son all most likely have some form of Autism. We're on the process of getting on waiting lists for evaluations, etc. I'm not surprised to learn that I'm probably Autistic, and that I naturally gravitated towards an Autistic spouse...and produced an Autistic child, but I am at a loss for what to do about it.

We're all having problems...and I feel like I desperately need help solving them, but I can't find any. I am having a very, very difficult time coping with being alone with my son for 50+ hours per week. We are new in our region (relocated due to husbands job) and absolutely hate it here, and don't really know anyone. The social issues that we have are making it nearly impossible to escape the isolation. I'm finding it nearly impossible to get through a day. My son has temper tantrums, which make me have a melt down. This is constant, and it's driving me out of my mind. I require a lot of time to "zone out" ... which I obviously can't have with a difficult baby to care for. To make matters worse, we bought a house (before knowing about any of this) and are finding that the responsibility is way too much for us to handle. I learned that my husband is barely able to care for himself (but since he's a genius he's able to hold a job and support us all financially) or anyone else, putting the responsibility for everything our family needs on my shoulders. I'm trying desperately to find an Autism center, but the waiting lists to get appointments (on the other side of the state) are outrageous. I'm in therapy, but my therapist is proving to be completely useless. The stress and anxiety, and now depression are becoming too much to bear all alone, and I literally cannot find help. I even tried going to a local church, and the pastor told me that I'm over reacting and blew me off.

I'm trying to get my house on the market on top of all of this, because somewhere in my cluttered mind I know that selling the house and reducing that stress is a good idea. Also trying to move out of this area because it makes me completely miserable. On top of everything, I have a mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder who is trying to make my life complete and utter hell (if you don't know about NPD - it's in the same 'cluster' as a sociopath, to give you a general idea of the magnitude of that issue).

I am constantly battling horrible thoughts of what a bad parent I feel that I am, and feelings of hopelessness. I really feel that I cannot get my problems under control on my own, and I cannot find anyone to help me. I'm at a loss, and it all seemed to come out of nowhere, even though it was always there.

Can anyone point me in the right direction?

PS: I know that there's a sticky for parents on the spectrum, it didn't seem like it was visited very often so I posted here. I hope that's okay.

We're two autistic parents, who raised an autistic child. I have no easy answers to your distressing situation, but just wanted to tell you that I read your thread and felt for you. Speaking as a church minister myself I'm sorry the one you went to was such a flop. It seems to me that you are doing the right kind of thing in trying to simplify your situation and lower your stress levels, but I wonder if your OH is a bit oblivious to the struggles? Maybe you need to communicate your feelings to him, preferably in a way that alerts him without freaking him out?

Sorry, that seems really limp advice: I hope somebody else will come along and say something more constructive.

Thinking of you, though.

Simplifying things is absolutely a good thing to do.

Try to rally your executive functioning skills enough to make a list of what needs to be done and prioritize. Scrap anything unimportant, and try to schedule the rest, emphasizing more important stuff first.

Schedule "zone out" time, with your husband and make sure you get it. If you are stressed you really do need to take care of yourself too. You won't be able to help your child while you are so unsettled.

If your mom is toxic and Narcissistic, you are going to have to minimize contact with her, for you mental health. It sounds mean, but you need positive energy, right now. You can't afford to have anyone dragging your spirits and energy level down.

This is not very specific, I know, but hopefully it will help you plan things out.

OK - a couple more "very basic" specifics - hope I don't insult you because these are basic BUT sometimes we aren't very good about them.

Make sure you and baby are getting physical needs met - proper food, sleep & whatever else you need be it space, hygiene or meds. My aspie son falls apart if he doesn't get enough sleep or food but won't think of sleeping or eating - schedule this.

To Do list... I love this, make a to do list with ONLY THREE most important things to do. Once finished, make another one with only three important things.... and so on. Anyone can do three things - almost anyone can get overwhelmed by the big list we all have - forget the big list. BTW - make sure the three things are manageable - not "sell the house", more like "call real estate agent to start process of listing the house".

I'm feeling for you - it's gotta be hard!

I think babies are a double edged sword, on the one hand they are amazing and inspiring and the loves of our lives and on the other hand they can seem to suck the very life out of you with how much time and energy they demand. Don't feel bad that you might at this point be seeing more of the downside than the upside of being a parent. It happens to all of us at one time or another. I assure you, this does not make you a bad parent. Do try to take note of the wonderful amazing moments with your son. I find that really helps me when I am at that ready to give up stage. I try to just stop and watch him while he is doing something he enjoys and I can absorb a little bit of that precious little kid energy!

Hi, I was desperate to reply last night but I think the site was having problems! Hope you are feeling better today!

It sounds like an awful situation but just posting on here shows you are on the rigth track to doing something about it. I am NT and suffer with depression, my husband and eldest daughter are aspies but we have only just found out. For a long time no body believed me and I thought I was going mad and seeing things that werent there and I blamed all the problems on myself. But I have stuck with my gut feeling as her mother and kept pushing until I got the diagnosis and now things are getting better. I am a stay at home mum and my husband works away a lot so I have felt alone through a lot of this, so I can understand where you are coming from

Im from the UK so I cant suggest specific ideas to help you get out but I have found playgroups helpful. I also have a few online communities that really help when its stupid o'clock and you cant phone anyone you can always go online and find someone to vent to. I have a private group on facebook of other mums in the area from local groups and we all post if we are feeling down (we all have our own different problems) and its a great boost just to hear some kind words and feel like some one cares.

Another thing you could try is to seek out groups/courses for things other than autism such as your depression. I went to a post natal depression group and made some good friends there that have stuck by me. Over here we have a service that come out and help out at home, they have nothing to do with autism but help out with any family problems. They will halp mothers who have depression. Also if you ever have dark thoughts with your depression dont be afraid to phone a help line or check yourself and child into a hospital, no one would judge you they are there to help! Sometimes you cant see clearly until you have antidepressants or are out of the worst of it. Things get to you and you just want to be removed from the situation thinking everyone else would be better off without you but its the depression putting those destructive thoughts into your head and you have to push them aside and think practically.

Is there anyone you can call on to babysit even if its in your own home while you are still there, just lock yourself in the bath room with a bubble bath and a good book!? Just for an hour even?

Sounds like you are doing a good job and are trying your best in a bad situation. You will come through it, I just hope now you have been brave enough to ask for help you get the help you deserve, am Im shocked you are getting nowhere when you have really tried but keep at it, some one will listen! x

So, I took some of the scheduling advice and made myself a daily schedule on a white board. I included some check off boxes for things such as "eat a healthy food". My anxiety seems a lot better since creating this, however I question my ability to consistently follow it. I asked my husband to call me every day at lunch time to make sure I'm following it and give me some accountability pressure, but he has the same problem that I do with consistency, so I doubt he'll do this. But having it in place does seem like it could potentially help.

Don't sell by owner.....

The real estate people do so much after the buyer is found. I just went through a purchase where the seller was a PITA and we were calling our agents daily. I would hate to have had no one who knew the rules to turn to.

I am also in marketing, and I think I could pretty up and find a buyer for my home....not sure about the bumpy next steps though.

I don't think I really have many ideas that will be helpful in the short term, but I can think of something long term.

Short term: have you looked into new mother's groups? Mine was a lifesaver. Some are good, some aren't, but mine was this wonderful group of women willing to talk about how imperfect we all were and cry together. That was something I needed, to know that all those perfect looking moms I thought I was seeing around me were illusions, and that most new moms struggle. How well it would work for you I'm not sure, because you probably are not a group person. Still, you could get lucky, and so it is something to consider.

Long term: you might be one of those moms who needs something outside of the home. I am. I've been working part time since my kids were born and for me that has been the right choice. Some years the work didn't do much more than pay for the nanny I had hired, but I was never working just for the money. Originally it was because I am in licensed profession so letting myself fall out of it would have simply been foolish; but long term I realized that I needed the adult stimulation and challenge, and having that allowed me to be a better mom on the days I was not working. It is far from a perfect answer, because I was always pulled between the two worlds and never sure how to balance it in the moment, but when I look back I know that having some paid work was something I needed, and not just that, but the extra partner in parenting I got from the nanny was something I benefited from. My kids are 15 and 11 but we still are in contact with the nanny and she's family to all of us; if you do it right, really finding the childcare that suits your child best (as v. your wallet or any other preconceived ideas), there doesn't have to be any guilt in having someone else help you raise your child. I don't know if that would be the right answer for you, but it is something to consider. I know it is hard to let go of the ideal of being 100% with your child all the time, but if you find out it isn't what you are cut out for, and lots of women are not, then you adapt by finding a balance that works a little better for you. Just something to think about.