...and the bullying begins.

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Eldest had a rough time at the park tonight.

He wanted to go out because the neighbor kids were out; I insisted that we go to the park, because Youngest isn't safe playing on a city street and needs constant attention to keep him from injuring himself.

As we passed them, he asked the neighbor kids (a boy and a girl, both a year or two older than his eight) if they wanted to come with us; they demurred.

But they did show up at the park as it was starting to get dark, and Eldest joyously went to play with them...until he came back, in tears. They told him that he was a freak, and so is his little brother, and he has no friends, and they don't like him, and....

Eldest is a "weird" kid. He's on the autistic spectrum, he really doesn't get how to deal with other people properly. He's loud, and he talks at them, and he doesn't listen, and he doesn't respond appropriately. He does not, in fact, have many friends. His best friend, who is also on the spectrum (asperger's, in this boys case) is someone he sees once a month or so, at best. He cries easily, is physically uncoordinated (hypotonia), and reminds me uncomfortably of a very young Sheldon Cooper.

We talked as we walked home, and I reminded him that school was coming up and he would see his school friends there. That turned into a confession that Eldest gave his two "good" friends at school, the ones who sat with him at lunchtime, his lunch. Every goddamn day. Maybe there's something genuine there, but it's likely that they're just taking advantage of the naive kid.

At bedtime he was very weepy, and told me that he hates himself, and that he doesn't like being different. I comforted him as best I could, told him he wasn't doing anything bad, that we'd help him work on things, and that there's nothing wrong with being different...even though it's hard, sometimes.

Thing is, between his mother and I? He couldn't ask for worse role models.

The Wife is still in the process of recovering from a very major depression. There are days when she is literally unable to leave the house, although fortunately those days are growing increasingly more rare.

And me? I'm actively asocial. I've got very few friends, and no real desire to find more. I spend most of my time at home, and I'm very happy that way. We had a big meeting at work a few months back, with staff from all fifty branches gathered together...and at lunch, I sat alone in a corner and cheerfully read a book, rather than engage anyone in conversation.

I have no idea what we can do to help him. Therapy is called for, and because of his IEP he gets a bit at school, but we really can't afford anything beyond that. A book that I've been reading suggests inviting other kids over, but Youngest (also on the spectrum) makes that problematic. He wants to be included in everything, is very difficult to deter, and is pretty much guaranteed to annoy the hell out of older kids.

He's very outgoing. He's got that much going for him. He's not at all shy -- when we attended the plays that six different classes at his school put on, he was literally the only kid who enunciated loudly enough and enthusiastically enough to be heard. And just about every adult at his school knows him by name, and likes him. A lot of ways, the very opposite of myself as a child.

I hate seeing him this upset, this unhappy and confused. I'm letting him down, I know that. But I honestly don't know how to help. I'm trying to find some support groups in the Philadelphia area, something that arranges get-togethers for autistic kids and their parents, but it seems like everything that I can find is in the suburbs...and out of our reach, since we have no car.

If anyone has any advice, or experiences, to offer I would appreciate it. We need to do *something* for him, dammit. And I just feel helpless.

That could have been me growing up. However, just throwing him in with a mix of other kids won't fix anything. He probably won't fit in with most of them. When I was about 12 I met a couple of girls who literally changed my life. They were new to my school and didn't know me and were friendly to me. They accepted my differences and most of all they taught me how to act differently. I had no idea I had AS or what it was. I was diagnosed in my 40s. As a kid I thought everybody thought and felt like me and they just learned to control themselves better. So, I learned.

They gave me explicit instructions, things only a good friend can say like "You sound stupid if you say that" or "Don't pick at your nails when people are around it's gross" or "For the love of God take a shower you stink!" and it went on from there. They weren't saying it in a mean way. They told me that I was a fun person and they wanted me to be able to show other people that. They were right and they helped me actually develop my personality. They told me good things too, like that I shouldn't let what some kids said get to me, that I was worth more than that and that I was better than those kids, etc. But they did tell me the hard things that I didn't know, which helped me learn.

So, I'd really say wait until he finds those friends, and I hope he does. I don't see a class for it helping matters any. Encourage him, tell him he's NOT different, and tell him that it won't always be that way.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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Sorry, I don't have advice. I just wanted to send you and your son a virtual hug. Your story is very moving and I really wish for your son to find a way to overcome this situation.

OliveOilMom,
I had a pretty nasty childhood as well and I have to disagree with you on a point.

Don't tell him he's not different.
He knows he is, everyone in school makes sure he knows, sometimes even the teachers.
All you can really do is hope he's strong enough to take it and be there when he's not.

In the end though there are going to be a lot more nights like this.
There were for me at least.

Your lack of a social life may actually be a good thing by the way.
It means you'll be around more when he needs it, you'll understand what he's going through better then most parents, be able to show him that he doesn't need 20 friends to be happy.


I wouldn't normally respond to anything parenting related as I'm only 25 and practically still a kid myself, but school life is still fresh enough in my mind and I remember those nights.

I like your description of "actively asocial". That is my husband. How much is your wife able to be involved considering her condition? One alternative I can think of for you guys is to reach out to the parents of other ASD kids (or similar) to get some social interaction for Eldest since Youngest makes it hard to have people over at your house. I am not opposed to being social but I have a strong, Do It Myself streak so reaching out to other people and asking for help is completely foreign to me but, when I have come to the point where there just doesn't seem to be any option other than to ask for help, I have been amazed at how big of a difference it makes when I do it. It isn't easy and I don't say this lightly, but sometimes we just gotta be able to make that leap and reach out to some other people.

I would have marched up to those kids and told them in no uncertain terms that it is never appropriate to tell someone they are weird. And I'd be talking to their parents. No one has to be friends with someone they don't want to be friends with, but some things are not appropriate.

I am constantly grateful for our community where we've been surrounded by parents who won't allow their kids to be mean. Some kids sneak it in, of course (kids will be kids) but there is a lot of support if one wants to correct those kids.

It sounds to me like your son might enjoy doing more acting. My AS son loves to be on stage, and a whole social life comes with being one of the theater kids. Where we live there are several productions that involve children to pick from. You pay to participate, and it can get very intense (directors do get stressed and do yell at kids), but many kids thrive with it all. Something to think about. Having a structured activity will build in a little bit of social life for your son.

I should have said something to the kids. At the time I was too surprised, and really didn't think that it would help the situation at all. I should have looked at if from Eldest's point of view, that he'd SEE me standing up for him.

There's a part of me that was weirdly relieved, to be honest. I've suspected for a while that they didn't like him...they didn't treat obviously him badly before, but they were very dismissive, and weren't at all interested in talking to him or playing with him. And Eldest is terribly naive -- a classmate was messing with him around the end of the school year by telling Eldest that he lived across the street.

It was a painfully obvious lie, but Eldest would not believe that this kid (one of the ones who ate his lunch every day) would lie to him. His faith was unshakable, even in the face of evidence to the contrary.

With these kids, the hostility is out in the open. That's...easier, if not better.

I've been making some calls, and have tracked down a local(ish) group or two. My hopes aren't high -- one page has a lot of dead links, and I've only got a name for the other organization. I also put in a call to our Elwyn service coordinator, but haven't gotten a call back.

Even so, it's a start.

My Wife thinks the the scouts would be a good fit -- he's interested, but their homophobic stance led us to tell him "no" after explaining why -- but remembering my own cub scout experiences, I doubt that it would be a much better environment for him. Especially with his lack of athletic skills.

I do want to look into acting for him. I'm not sure where to look, but I do think that he'd enjoy it.

Your community or an adjacent one may have a community theater group designed for kids. We have one in an adjacent town that advertises on billboards. Try Googling to see if there is anything like that nearby to you.

I also would agree not to tell your son he is not different. My parents tried that, and it just gave me more to doubt. I wasn't diagnosed but I knew something was off. When I asked my parents, they just blew me off, and then I doubted my judgement as well.

It is painful, what those kids did (the neighbors and his lunch mooching "friends") but it is better to know. We have the Marc Brown book about being a friend, and that might be a good choice for you (age dependent) or something similar for his age group. He needs to know what a real friend is, even if it makes him more aware he does not have any/many. Then I would tell him that some people have more trouble making friends than others, but it is OK and that when he does make more of his own, who are good fits for him, they are apt to be better people than the ones others make so casually.

Something like that, anyway.

This book has been helpful -- The Survival Guide for Kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders (And Their Parents). It includes some brief stories to illustrate what's being talked about in each chapter. One such was about a little girl who finds that the other girls like her more if she buys them cookies at lunchtime....

We're going to read the entire book together, a little bit at a time. Not all of the advice is relevant, but it's a good starting point for discussions.

Oh how awful for him Poor kid, its hard enough to fit in for any kid but to be a kid with social issues must be really hard. My daughter is starting school soon and we worry about her, I have seen other kids laughing at her at playgroups and it breaks my heart, so far she hasnt noticed it herself. I am not looking forward to this happening when Im not there at school

My husband is happier on his own and has to force himself to interact with work colleagues and I suffer with depression so we have a similar but less instense situation ourselves. I think as an adult its ok to choose to be on your own but at school its seen as weird and will attract attention.

The only thing I could suggest is either a private school with smaller classes or home schooling, but I understand these are not always possible options :/

I hope things get better for him x

My kids acted through a program at the local community center, and later through a children's program at a nearby Shakespeare Company. It definitely varies.

As for scouts. I've always had such mixed feelings about it, but my son was attracted to scouts from the moment he first saw anything scouting related, and he has absolutely thrived in scouting. I didn't tell him about what I call their unfortunate political stance until he was in middle school; before that I just told him that some people don't like scouts because they let themselves get involved in politics, and explained that while we didn't agree with that political position, it didn't affect anything that was happening in his pack or troop. Which it doesn't. Only now that my son is involved in scouting honors organizations and took a job up at the cub scout camp this summer has it become an issue he has any involvement with: at this age, the boys talk about it talk about their options for challenging it (in this county, anyway; can't speak for any other local). I've been told it is under review and I hope that it gets reversed soon.

Because scouting is so tangible and defined, it can be really attractive to an Aspie. There is a program for everything, a check-the-box system. They teach leadership. They teach inclusion (staying quite silent about how they are not inclusive). They teach everything. And they let boys do things that, well, I guess I'm glad I don't usually hear about until my son comes home, lol. My son is a trained and effective leader because of scouts. Even when kids at school don't like him, they respect him. Teachers adore him. It has been so good for him. I wouldn't say he really made friends the first few years, but he didn't seem to mind because he was always focused on some skill.

I've long felt sheepish about our involvement with scouts because I worried how my gay friends felt about it. Well, I actually ended up in a chat with one about it all the other day. He's just so great, he is very much of the "things are changing, just give it time, no need to make an issue out of it, the ball is rolling fast" school of thought, and he had fond memories of scouting and thinks it is super cool that my son is about to get his eagle. In his mind, there are other options for kids who don't feel included in scouts, and he doesn't believe that people should forgo scouting just because of the unfortunate policy, especially since most scouts are of an age that they don't understand sexuality. To him, avoiding scouts because of the policy is a bit like not getting married simply because not everyone can - he doesn't really see it as solving anything. So that was nice to hear.

Who knows if scouts would be good for your child, but if he wants to do it, I think you just do it. We aren't charged with changing everything in this world that we don't like; we're charged with raising the one unique child put into our care.

But if my son and his friends are talking about it, maybe they will change the policy, and being some of the top scouts in the area they are in a great position to be heard and taken seriously. I have hope there.

Your poor boy 7-9 was a horrific age for my son because it was when he first really understood that he wasn't like other kids. I will never forget the tearful nights and the sobbing "I hate myself! I want to be like everyone else!"

For us, in time that did pass. He still knows he's different (and I would never tell him he's not. I feel like that would be a giant insult. He is well aware of the fact that he isn't like everyone else) and he sometimes wishes things could be easier or that he could be "cooler" or whatever, but he is (at almost 11) in a much better place.

Here are things that have helped:

My kids embrace the word weird. All three of us are weird and we wouldn't change it for the world. When kids call my kids weird, they really don't care (other derogatory terms, yes, they hurt...but not "weird.")

I point out my similarities to my kids all the time. Thankfully, they are both still young enough to think their mom is the bomb so when I tell my son that I got teased as a kid, too, it helps him feel better. It also helps him to know that I am still weird, I always was weird, and I am going to be weird till the day I die, but I am still happy, successful, and a good mom. Being weird and kids teasing me about being weird did not ruin my life. It's just made me different and different is not a bad thing.

I take time to praise the things I love about my kids that are also due to their atypical wiring. Like "You know, few people have such a keen sense of justice as you do. It's because your brain works differently. I love that you always can see the difference between right and wrong and that you do the right thing, even if it isn't popular. It makes me very proud."

Tae Kwon Do helped my son immensely. I can't even tell you how much it helped. My son has some pretty serious motor planning issues and is pretty much the epitome of NOT athletic. But the instructors and masters in his do jang were beyond awesome. He has not been taking lessons since we moved (I have to find a way to afford it and also the times conflict with when I have to work), but he still, whenever there is a talent show of any type, demonstrates his nunchucks. And kids are pretty impressed. If this is an option for you, the trick is finding the right master, because I have heard of some who suck. But my son's whole staff understood that he was different, and did whatever they had to do to make him successful. Sometimes they even pushed him more than I thought he could handle...but he always handled it. They were very intuitive in their ability to sense when he could be pushed just a little bit more.

Now, this last one is not something I would have done with my son at 8, so you might want to save it for a few years. We started a "things that make me a target" program at home. It felt brutal and heartless to me to be constantly pointing out things (like, don't carry asphalt around in your pocket. It's weird. Kids will tease you), but it really did help him. He doesn't have a high need to fit in, exactly, but he doesn't want to stand out, either and he had very little understanding of things that made him stand out. The teasing/bullying did seem to dwindle after we started this. I imagine because he stopped drawing negative attention to himself. The trick to this, I think, is to make sure they understand that there is nothing inherently wrong with what they are doing and they may choose to continue doing it if they wish, but that they must realize that there may be negative social consequences to it. I have always just told my son, if you want to keep doing it, do it at home. Don't do it at school. But I know for sure he would have never been able to handle it at 8. I think it would have destroyed him. But his maturity level was significantly lower then.

I recommend this for social communication: http://www.socialthinking.com/books-pro ... gory_id=37 I did not use it with my son, but did for my daughter. It helped a great deal. She likes it so much she once said took the Social Detective book to school with her for her "read and share" day. She said "Other kids definitely need to learn about social smarts, too!" LOL! The funny thing was, her teacher agreed! LOL!

Good luck. This is such a tough time. But the most important thing to do is to be there for your son in the most authentic way you know how to be. Accept him just the way he is and make sure he knows you are absolutely there, no matter what.

Also, I would recommend looking to see if there are any lego clubs in your area. A lot of cities have them and they are havens for the "not athletic" crowd.

OP, have you discussed this to the school? That is the first step when anything occurs like this... My mother had this with other parents with ASD children who felt they did not know where to turn.
Secondly an opinion from my own mother again is to ask for him to be monitored... not isolated from his peers but just to observe what is occuring...
I agree with this because statistics are showing that a high percentage of bullying towards children with any ASD is never witnessed because they do not support well enough to teach and discipline these people who are bullying to accept people who are different to themselves, regardless of their age.

Your son needs some explicit social skills training.

I would focus on finding a program which focuses on this.

If it were me, I'd contact my local autism support place, and find out where the local playgroups are being held. If they haven't got any for my child's age, I'd ask them to put me in contact with other parents. Then I'd do my best to arrange a weekly playdate.

Like you, I prefer my own company, but I make a huge effort to see friends I might otherwise have let drop out of my life because their kids don't mind playing with my son. It doesn't kill me to do it, it won't kill you either.