Anger, Threats, and What to Do?

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I think my 10-year-old is starting puberty. His mood swings are indecipherable, and his anger management is non-existant. He yells, howls, screams, and threatens to hurt himself and other people. We are in counseling and working on his meds, but it just seems to be getting worse. I don't know what to do. I have read everything I can find, but I am no closer to understanding him.

I'm so sorry you are going through such tough stuff. I don't have any experience with this degree of difficult behavior but there is a stickie at the top of this board called Parenting Index. There is a series of posts listed there under Violence and Destructive behavior that may have some posts relevant to your situation. It is something that I know others here have struggled with. Hopefully some folks with experience in this area will post. Hang in there!

I could use some help here. I am worried he will be kicked out of school or, even worse, "sent away" to either a psychiatric hospital or the court system. Any ideas on how to help him calm down when he is angry?

Thank you, Bombaloo. I will try that.

What kind of diagnosis do you have?

When we were going through this with my son at about the same age, we didn't know he was suffering from a huge pragmatic language deficit ( http://www.asha.org/public/speech/devel ... matics.htm ) Essentially, while my son had a nearly college-level vocabulary, his understanding of social speech (tone of voice, facial expressions - basically any part of speech outside of what can be written down) - was several years behind his peers. 10 is a common age for this to appear, because typically developing children make a huge leap in social language at this age. It resulted in him understanding only about 70% of any given interaction in either direction - which caused him to be incredibly frustrated and angry all the time. (It also caused him to be bullied mercilessly - something to look out for.)

Pragmatics tests are usually available at your school, but they are rarely offered unless you ask for them - and autism service providers sometimes forget this important aspect of socialization. Ask for an assessment by a speech therapist

The other deficit my son struggled with was alexithymia (it's very common with kids on the spectrum, but very rarely called by that name) which was an inability to recognize or interpret his own emotions. One of the therapies we tried with him (I've mentioned this before; you'll see this story as you look through the threads) was a video game where he had to put different phrases with the correct emotion. My son coded every single phrase with either "happy," or "angry." His therapist pointed out that his behavior was a reflection of that.

Specific therapies to address these two things helped a lot. My son also just completed an Occupational Therapy course called "How Does Your Engine Run" that's pretty widely available - basically, the version we used spent time labeling emotions and explaining the different ways to tell them apart, and then trying out a huge range of different arousing and calming techniques and seeing which ones worked.

Another thing that I found on this site that's helpful to remember: many kids on the spectrum who are able to be in school with their same-age peers often have the maturity level of a child one-third less of their age. If you put any 7-year-old boy in the same situation as your son at school and at home, would that child's responses be the same?

This is not to say that your child won't continue to develop - but that he has his own trajectory, and you and his school are far better off meeting him where he is than pushing him past his limits. We are finally figuring this out in our house, and now, at 12, my son is no longer violent and is actually doing pretty well in school and at home these days - but, even though he's working really hard in all his therapies and developing the skills he needs - the adjustment that made the difference was mostly our own.

I will look for the How Does Your Engine Run. Hopefully I can find it. His school has dismissed him from OT, and the speech therapist told us he had pragmatic difficulties, but speech therapy wouldn't help with that. In the 2 1/2 years since his diagnosis, it seems like if anything is going to get done, I have to do it myself. Just getting the diagnosis was a labor of showing doctors and therapists what I was seeing and that ADHD didn't cover it all.

I'm guessing it doesn't get any easier.

Have you considered getting into something that would be an outlet for his rage, such as martial arts? My brother has these issues as well and did well in martial arts. They teach self control and also use a lot of energy in the workouts.

We have considered it, but we haven't found the right place yet. I don't think he is ready or a large class environment, and I don't see any other options locally.

I see that you're in the US - is your son in a public school? If so, them saying they can't offer pragmatic speech therapy is complete BS; if the school's speech therapist isn't qualified, the school should be paying for an outside therapist - it works best if it happens in school, where he's around typically developing peers. My son has befitted HUGELY from just a half-hour of pragmatics per week. Your health insurance may also cover private speech therapy, as well as the OT (we did the OT therapy privately, I don't know that that program is typically offered in schools.)

The pragmatic deficit alone could be the cause of your son's anger and frustration - imagine you are in a foreign country where everybody assumes you speak the language and gets angry at you when you don't know how to respond or don't respond as expected.

Autism Speaks has a state-by-state list of resources; I'd recommend finding a local advocate who is familiar with both your school system and with autism. It does get easier - but it helps a whole lot if you have reinforcements who both know the law and know the disorder well. We had a diagnosis in 1st grade, but it was totally useless because it was just a label. We finally found a multi-disciplinary program at a local hospital headed by a developmental pediatrician and a pediatric neurologist - those two disciplines seem to be key to finding people who know what to do.

Just in case your school district is trying to pull this one on you, like they did on me - IDEA requires them to offer support for what are called "functional skills," regardless of academics. In other words, if you're getting "well, he's doing fine academically, so we can't authorize an ____________(treatment, IEP, therapy, accommodations, whatever) that is also BS - and against the law. http://dredf.org/special_education/trai ... EdPerf.pdf

Hang in there - this is a good place to find help. You'll get there. I was in despair myself when my son was 10; things are a lot more positive now.

Yes, the school and I have been around this block before. The darn thing is so much of special education law is written in broad terms. The whole "ability to benefit" lingo is the hang up right now. (If his problems are in pragmatic language, then he benefits most from practicing with peers, which the speech therapists here don't do.)
Most likely, I will have to make the 90 minute drive to Houston to get anywhere, but the waiting lists are long, and therapy once every other month probably won't amount to much. I am probably better off reading the info and doing it myself. Except, if it's just Mom trying to work with him, it doesn't sink in as well.
I know. You are giving me good ideas, but I've done these things already. The help isn't going to come from outside. For what it's worth, I'm working on my degree so I can BE the advocate in my area. There is no one else.

I am guessing there are private speech therapists in your area - autism isn't the only disability where speech is affected. While I applaud you for working on what you can on your own, see if you can find professional help. My relationship with my son was so damaged by the time he was 10 that it really took outsiders to come in and help sort it out. It isn't impossible, but keeping professional distance from your own child is very, very difficult.

Ideally, speech therapy happens around typically developing peers - but it isn't a requirement. Basically, the therapy is breaking down social speaking cognitively - my son learns via scripting, so role-playing appropriate scripts and offering him ways to view scenarios that make sense to him (sometimes TV shows can be helpful if they're chosen carefully.)

Do you think the place where you're getting your degree can refer you to speech therapists or other people trained to work with autistic kids? I'd also ask if they can refer you to someone who can advocate for you with the school - you will be amazed how many barriers suddenly evaporate when you bring in outside help.

A quick search on Amazon shows a lot of resources on pragmatic speech - one is this app that may or may not be too simplistic, depending on your kid: http://www.amazon.com/Super-Duper-Inc-P ... 006OIPUPM/ There are some self-help tips on this website: http://www.asha.org/public/speech/devel ... geTips.htm

I will check the links and look around for private speech therapists (though I don't hold much hope for finding one in this neck of the woods.) I agree that someone else should be working with him.

What are you feeding him? Seriously, food affects my mood like almost nothing else. Food and exercise level. Not that everything needs to be organic, but it should be mostly made from scratch and like, actually cooked. I started getting "depressed" as a kid when my mom took over cooking. My dad, 70-80% of what I ate was from scratch, probably over half was organic, I'd have meat, salad, cooked veggies, brown rice or something like that every night, as much as I wanted to eat and I didn't get fat. I'd also be outside until dark after school. Tried team sports and failed at them. OH! Also, as a kid, I'd have half an adult dose of multivitamins, fish oil, vitamin C, papaya enzymes. I was running on rocket fuel back then and quite happy. I'm still working now to bring my nutrition up to what it was when I was a kid.

I don't know, maybe I'm jumping the gun, but before meds and whatnot, look into what your child is being fed. If it's Kid Cuisine, and you're wondering why your kid can't behave well, it's time to solve that problem.

Lastly, for an activity that wouldn't involve group classes, ever consider getting him a weight set? It won't stunt his growth assuming he doesn't break his bones and he gets enough calories. It's a fun way to blow some steam off I guess. And everyone his age wants to be strong. He can even do powerlifting or Olympic lifting if he wants. I'm not kidding, in foreign countries the kids start lifting at 10 or even 8 or less. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8A-m9W-3_9M It's hard to find an Olympic lifting coach here in America, but many coaches would love the opportunity to start on someone from the ground up like that. Olympic lifting like that, though, is pretty much gymnastics with a barbell. He might enjoy it. Seems unorthodox and weird perhaps, but yeah.

Kids need purpose, though. They realize school is purposeless, even at the ages of 10 or so. Especially if you're not making friends and whatnot there. Give him something to give his life purpose. It's not about an "anger outlet" or whatever, purpose is the key. It's why we all keep on living.

I like the idea about purpose. Goodness knows he isn't finding it in shool.

Food has been an issue since birth. If I can get him to eat ANYTHING, it's a victory.

Just checking in - how are things going? Have you found any help? Any improvement?

We met with his therapist and his special eduction coordinator this week. Both told me that sometimes, when a person is close to a new threshhold in development, the person can get really "difficult." If this is true, he must be gearing up for something huge. We are working on creating even more structure, hoping it will help him.

Thank you for checking on me. I appreciate it.