Sex edu warning!! !

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When you have "the talk" with your young teen, you have to make sure that they understand it is directed at them and not about "other people". My niece (13) was grossed out by a condom demonstration used on a banana. She said it turned her off of sex, BUT it didn't seem to turn her off of unprotected sex with her boyfriend who is also on the spectrum!! ! The boy's mom caught them at her house and told me - she was too ashamed to go directly to her mom. This happened after they were repeatedly seen on a bench at school doing it dry style by other students! They were using the excuse of going to the bathroom, meeting each other at this bench, and making out to the point of orgasm....AT SCHOOL!... FULLY DRESSED!! !! !! !! I had no clue that my niece even had a boyfriend less alone any friends at all. So, watch your teens!! !! !! and pre-teens!! ! If any of you had met my niece, you would not have imagined something like this in a million years. The same thing goes for the boy.
He didn't look like the type to do such a thing at all!

Oh God I have all this to come, my eldest is 4 so not for a while but I do worry about when shes a teenager!

My mother never told me anything at all, even when I asked her directly. I stopped asking directly after a while because I got the message that it was something not to be brought up. She didn't even tell me what a period was. Luckily, I learned those things from other girls at school. I learned all about sex by asking my best friend and getting her to explain it to me. Even though she hadn't ever done any more than I had, she at least knew about it.

I remember once when I was about 11 and was looking through a "Seventeen" or "Teen" or one of those magazines, there was a tampon ad and it mentioned your period. I knew it was something that happened when you got older but I didn't know what it was. I asked my mother "Whats a period?" and she said "I don't know". Really.

I don't think I ever really had the talk with any of my kids. I just never censored anything (although there was no porn or anything they could have been exposed to) and as they got older I would notice that they would laugh at certain jokes on tv that they wouldn't have before so they obviously knew something. With my oldest I actually asked "Do you know about sex?" when he was about 10 or 11 and he rolled his eyes and told me "Oh please, I've been knowing about that". I let it go for then, but as he got older, I heard him make some comments that made me know he actually did know.

I feel bad for not having the talk with them, but there was never really a reason to it seems. By the time I would have tried to have the talk, they already knew. I never knew until I was much older because my mother kept everything from me. Almost everything was censored and I was sheltered so bad that I feel it really prevented me from learning to socialize and be comfortable around people until I was much older. She didn't even know I had AS then, we hadn't heard of it back then. She was just very overprotective about everything and me having allergies and respiratory problems didn't help matters any. I was surprisingly mature and knew a lot about some things, but other things, the things that made her uncomfortable, I had the knowledge of a 5 year old.

I don't really know how I would handle it if I had to explain sex to my kids. I've given the safe sex lecture though, but they already knew about that too. They even knew that only latex condoms will prevent the spread of STD's while the natural condoms will only prevent pregnancy, so I guess there's nothing left for me to tell them.

My wife and I talk about this, I've said you do the talk with our 11 yr old NT daughter and I'll sort out our our 6yr old, nonverbal Autie (I'm hoping there will be pills to kill his Libido that I can just give him!).
So she periodically attempts to tell our daughter stuff about sex, who is grossed out and simply doesn't want to know, even though her friends all seem to know and are interested. Mind you our daughter still plays with and is more interested in Teddy bears than anything.

Hey, I'm not a parent, but I am an Autistic person and I do know about studies (my mom told me about them, but I can't find them anymore) that show that a lot of Autistic people are either over-sexed or under-sexed (I'm the first kind!). I know they're your children, but in this situation I think you may be overreacting and possibly ill-equipped to deal with it (especially if you're a dad of a female, apparently). What I want to say is that I started having sex at thirteen, and I don't regret it at all. It was fun and important! Nothing bad has happened to me because of it; in fact, I'd already been masturbating at the age of eleven.

I need that release. I'm almost constantly aroused, and when I was taking a pill that lowered my sex drive (among other things), I felt awful because even though I didn't have the physical urges as much I had the sensory need to "feel good." I even get anxious if I don't masturbate at least once or twice a day (usually more) because it helps me with my sensory problems.

Please, do not try to "kill his libido" or "watch her"! For one thing, this is not your decision. Just give them access to reliable birth control methods, and, if it's a female, a vibrator (it's a lot harder to achieve orgasm without a penis, so vibrators help when alone). As long as they don't get pregnant, manipulated, taken advantage of, or diseased, sexual stimulation is very beneficial!

I understand you advocating masturbation, but 13 is kind of young for sex...

You're an optimist. I like that.

My parents never taught me about sex and there was no sex ed in my school. I learned the old fashioned way - from kids on the playground and from my friend's older brother's Hustler mags.

Maybe for you it was, but everyone matures at a different rate. I had no access to vibrators, and I'd already been masturbating for two years, so for me thirteen was a perfectly reasonable age. I'd already learned about the dangers and I was on birth control to get rid of my periods, and I used ways other than "penis --> vagina" during the sex (and it later turned out that this person was infertile anyway). As long as they're not idiots about it, they should be able to do it when they feel they're ready.

This "thirteen is too young for sex" idea is very subjective and does not--does NOT apply to everyone. For some people, fifteen or even eighteen is too young for sex, but does that mean that everyone ELSE should be prevented from doing it until they're that old? No.

Ok, as a preface, I'll say that I just ventured into here (have a birthdaughter, that doesn't make me a parent though), so I don't normally come to this forum. I just popped in this forum out of curiosity as to whether my parents' (judgmental helicopterish) treatment of me growing up was typical of NT parents raising an aspie that wasn't diagnosed until their later teens.

This thread does stir up some raw emotions in me, and I'll explain why.

First of all, let me just say, you meet one aspie/autie, you meet one aspie/autie. We come in all different varieties and extremes, and that includes sexually. There are people who are asexual, there are people who are hypersexual (*coughs* me) and the like (there are probably 3 or 4 more varieties of sexuality that I didn't touch on actually). I'm guessing your niece is of the hypersexual variety. It's just a mixed bag. You just don't know what you're going to get (as to what variety a kid will turn out to be).

First of all, a bit of a preface on me. Even though I was essentially raised religiously (I'd probably say, from the time I was 3 weeks old to 16yo I only missed a handful of sundays when it came to church), at age 4 (not a typo, yes four) I figured out my way around myself with masturbation. It was the coldest night of the year, I stuck my hands there and brushed up against it, liked the way it felt so I kept going. And yes, "it" happened. Struck by the endorphins, it became like a ritual for me. Didn't think anything of it. I wasn't sexually abused, wasn't thinking of boys, didn't even know about sex at the time. I just did it because it felt good and I was just a curious girl.

When I was a teen, sitting in youth group class at church, I just remember how our youth pastor was going on and on about how evil masturbation was and blah blah blah. I couldn't believe it-- I was "EVIL??" at 4? FOUR? I knew I was already "bad" as a kid because I couldn't write well, I didn't learn like everyone else, I devised weird solutions that others didn't seem fit, I was hard to get along with because of my frustration meltdowns, and because I generally colored outside the lines as a human on this earth. But I just found it astounding that was assumed about me without him knowing it. A lot of people say such ignorant things, and a religious male's perception of a young female's autonomy (or anyone's autonomy for that matter) is just one place that I found such blatant ignorance.

When it came time to give me the talk as a teen, I didn't even get the condom/banana demonstration or anything remotely useful like it. I didn't get any info revolving around safe sex except "the safest sex there is is no sex at all." I could just sense and smell the anxiety and fear emanating off of my mom as she was giving the speech for my younger sister and I (my younger NT sister is 1 year younger than me so we got it together).

I did have sex ex at 14-- but it really crappy and still not good enough. For many students, it was too little too late as many were already having sex (a lot of kids who I went to school with were already screwing at 11). And instead of focusing on safe sex, it was hosted by an older teacher, who was twitching with discomfort, showing black and white pictures of stds under the microscope and proclaiming how gross they were. Then one of the kids screamed because he "found" a pubic hair on his desk and claimed it wasn't his. She was then unable to recapture the focus of the class after that. No wonder the high school I went to had a student daycare operating at full capacity and lots of rumors of various kids being infected with stds (people want to know how abstinence-only sex ed doesn't work? they should visit my high school and see the perfect example of a case study for its failure).

Fast forward to my mid teen years. Since I was raised with very strangely strict parents (who did weird things like, ripping out the cord and taking the phone off the hook with them to work when my sister was banned from the phone, and banning and confiscating chapstick because my younger sis washed it in the washer), It was pretty much guaranteed that I wasn't allowed to date nor wear makeup until I was 16. Of course, they assumed that someone who doesn't date isn't having sex, and they were wrong about that with my sisters. And the whole premise behind not wearing makeup (aside from 10 year old girls with ridiculous cakefaces) was based upon her perception on how she thought she was treated when she wore makeup applied funny when she was younger. Basically she was afraid of what other people would think of us had we applied it wrong, not because of undesirable attention from boys and older males. Which I think is stupidly misguided.

Combining everything with my inept social skills (which were ok in elementary school, but social rules change when you're a teen), and the fact that I was not as attractive when I was younger because of my struggle with anorexia, it seemed that I repelled boys instead of attracting them at that point in time. And the few that tried to proposition me for sex got turned down because my school was full of idiots (the guys were ridiculously emotionally immature, treated women wrong, and most of the time the guys were stoned anyway). I even at one point in time turned down a guy friend who asked me if I was going to have a threesome with him and his brother (! LOL). Anyone basically got turned down because I didn't (and still don't) foresee myself being happy to have sex with someone that I don't care deeply about in a romantic sense. That and I was then content on doing things myself (I didn't need a boy to achieve orgasm, especially the chronic masturbator I've always been), and I was uncomfortable with being seen naked because I was very sick with my eating disorder. Knowing how at my worst I was maybe 75 lbs, I knew if I didn't pick a boy right and undressed, descriptions of my gross emaciated body would've been all around the school gossip the next day. So I didn't. I dated a couple of times from 16-17, but we broke things off after making out because I decided I just didn't like the people that they were and couldn't trust them.

One thing I heavily resent is that my parents were not open at all about sex to me. Everything revolving around sex and me was approached with lots and lots of shame. I was raised really conservative, and anything sexual that would come up I would get judged on it guaranteed. Even if I laughed at a sex joke, bam, judgement. Even if I wore a short skirt now, bam, still, there is judgement (they don't say anything anymore but they do flash me dirty looks). Even if an innuendo slips out. Of course, bam, judgement.

Now, coming into my senior year of high school, I met a boy on a field trip to an art museum (who was going to my school, was in another art class), and fell in love with him. He's not on the spectrum (he's bipolar), but he wasn't raised socially the same way as others as he came from a chaotic home life. Since others knew he was different too, they didn't bother him with requests for sex, aside from two girls who were ill-behaved and humped his desk (lol), so essentially when we met, we were both virgins.

Being that I just couldn't go to my parents and have an open discussion about anything sexual without being judged, having a crappy sex "education" (yeah right) class that didn't teach me anything useful about safe sex, and being in a virgin/virgin situation, and aside from not hearing anything useful from my peers who deluded each other with their bunk myths about sex, and I couldn't just look stuff up on the computer without getting noticed (we all shared the same computer then, and it was before multiple logins, and they noticed if the history went deleted), I was in the danger of being an uninformed person. I was also living in a haze too because my eating disorder was getting bad. And bf at the time wasn't very assertive and let me have the control in the relationship (he's much better now that he realized that he was codependent then because he was conditioned that way by his crappy family and has since grown a backbone).

Some time before I told my parents that I had lost my virginity at 19, I was musing that my TMJ/TMD was getting bad because I said it even hurt to french kiss. And mom balked at even that. There were times they called each of my sisters and I foul names if we came home even 15 minutes late from a date. One of my sisters was "trollop" One was "whore", one was "jailbait." I was "slut". And she balked at anything that came across even mildly sexual. But being the hornball I was (and still am) I was drawn to it (some guy friends I've had have even mused that I think about sex far more than they do). Basically because of my recklessness and bf going along with it in submissiveness I ended up pregnant at 20. My parents were livid (I don't know if they really truly thought that being slut-shaming helicopter parents would help me in any way but it really wasn't beneficial to my state of wellbeing or my life). When they found out I was pregnant, I got called a slut I can't count how many times and insulted more times than I care to count around then. Because I nor bf can see ourselves being fit parents, we placed the baby girl for adoption (we know the family, but still, that was the hardest thing I've ever done).

After that, my mom made sure I was on birth control (I'm still with my bf, the birthfather). To this day, I still feel extremely uncomfortable talking to my parents about anything revolving anywhere close to sex. Because I've been burned with their judgement for life. Because I know they judge, they are consumed so full of fear that it gets them, and I still can't forgive them for calling me a slut even if I've only been with one guy and I haven't been pregnant since. I still have a lot of issues with my sexuality, mainly the shame I feel revolving around it.

And come to think of it, with all the slut-shaming and fear and hatred, I wouldn't be surprised if it's deflected off of their own experience, being that they got pregnant with my oldest sis straight out of high school at 18 and rushed to go get married. So basically they're uselessly judging themselves to be sluts and deflecting that onto me because they're afraid of any of us turning out like them. But a kid buried in shame at the time won't understand that until later on. Just like how many people who are bullies deflect because they were bullied themselves. You don't see it when you're in the midst of it until you understand when you are older/wiser.

Parents, please, please, think about these things instead of just judging your aspie kid for their potentially sexual behavior. Some of us are just wired that way, no shame required. Even being overbearing won't have a positive effect you envisioned. Even if you say something you don't mean, they will possibly remember it for the rest of their lives. Even if you do something that you might not seem fit later on, they'll remember it. If you burn them, you burn them. If I can even save one kid from the shame and judgement from their parents then my response has been worth typing through this painful memory of mine.