Trying to get siblings into trouble...

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Has anyone dealt with this behavior? I can't believe my 8 y/o aspie daughter any more. She lies, is destructive, and tries to blame it on her brother and sister. I don't know any more who to believe and it's driving me nuts. She blames them for things and both her little bro and sis will tell me that she did it, not them. The other day, I asked her to go in and help her 3 y/o sister put away a game that they had both been playing. 3 y/o had picked up 1/2 of it. I walked out of the room for a minute, then came back in and out of the corner of my eye, saw 8 y/o dump the contents of the game out on the floor. She then yelled that her sister had dumped it all out after she had finished picking it up. I told her what I had seen. She began to argue and yell at me and insist that she did not do it and then angrily ran off, screaming and had a melt-down. I can't believe her any more when she tells me that her brother or sister did something "naughty". We were at the store last week and I turned away from the cart with the 3 and 4 y/o in it to look at something and turned around to the 4 y/o screaming and 8 y/o pulling her hand away from him. She had hit him. He told me she had hit him. His nose was red. She insisted that she was "loving him" and rubbing his head. She shows no remorse for any kind of harmful behaviors. I really fear for all my children. I have no idea what to do any more. I can't trust her. Today, she angrily whipped a pair of pants around that I'd tossed at her and told her to put away(she didn't want to put them away) and hit me in the face with them. She insisted it was an accident ant went nonchalantly on her way - no show of remorse for hurting me, nothing.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with these issues? I am at a loss.

does she have a therapist ? what about a school social worker ? or social skills classes?

We're just getting her in to therapy. We've got a psych- PHD, that specializes in Autistic spectrum disorders. So far it's mostly been gaining her confidence, playing games, and observation- nothing real going on yet. I think a big part of her attempting to get her sibs in trouble is that she wants them away from her- not "bugging" her. My 3 y/o is quite hyperactive and really gets on her nerves. She wants them on time-out so she doesn't have to deal with them.

Maybe something is bugging her? My Aspie is really good with his siblings, they fight like other kids but ultimately he is the "good guy". I hope you find out waht is up and she gets help soon

absolutely bring up the sibling issue with the therapist. as you say, it might not be of a malicious nature~ just a lack of communication skills....or it could be poor impulse control....definitely work with the therapist to come up with strategies to help her be able to "take space" when she needs it.

I think she has some other problem.. because not all apsies are like that at all. In fact I don't think it has anythiong whatsoever to do with being an aspie. I think you should get her to see a professional to find out why she is like that.

I think Hale Bopp makes a good point. My son with HFA doesn't act like this but his sister with mild MR defintely did when she was little. So I don't know that this is really typical Aspie behavior. It could be intense sibling rivalry which I guess Aspies can have.

it's hard for any of us to say, really, whether it is a feature of aspergers or not. some aspies have exhibited these kinds of behaviors, and some have not. the most important thing here is that the issue is addressed with a professional who can sort out exactly what is going on & what to do to make things better.

I used to blame things on my brothers when i was little. I remember I do thigns that were on my mind and then later on I'd see my mom being mad about it because she be yelling and I say Mike or Ben did it because i didn't want to get in trouble. I also did stuff and say they did it so they get in trouble. I did it when I was mad at them or do it for fun because I liked seeing them getting into trouble. I was one cruel child. Then I quit when I was about 8 because my brothers had learned to stay out of my way and not mess with my things. It was Mike who knew because he was older and he always told ben what to do so he probably told him not to touch my stuff or go in my room, etc. because he knew it upset me if they messed with it. So I didn't need to do any revenge to get them into trouble.


Could your daughter have ODD? I know people with it bully other kids and they tend to do things and say someone else did it. ODD is one of the disorders you don't want your kids to have. Same with conduct disorder.

Hale Bop hit it on the head.. she might have more that just aspergers. my son acts this way when his medication is not working. or maybe a med is not doing what we think.. Liars i have found thru research and therapy is lack of impulse control. but they are the lies that are so out there no one would take them for real. lying out of anger is another issue.. she needs therapy. my son does act this way and he has aspergers and ADD/ADHD. could your daughter be bipolar?

I agree.

What I'm going to say is likely very inflammatory, but I believe it to be an accurate statement:

Usually the child acts in that manner because he/she was trained that way. Medicines and labeling are overused.

It may be worth taking another looking at your parenting techniques. Do you ever look at other parents with their children and think, "Why do they let their kids do that?" Many other parents are looking at you and likely thinking the same thing. When I wanted to correct and improve my parenting abilities, I really liked the book "One, Two, Three, Magic" This one allowed me to be far more consistent. My previous lack of consistency caused a lot of problems. Once things were more relaxed then I started using many of the techniques in "Parenting With Love and Logic". This allowed me to teach my daughter to help make age appropriate decisions and realized the consequences of her actions. It also showed me how to better use natural consequences which are far more effective than most of the consequences, both positive and negative, that I could give her.

Sigh, where did methods of discipline like this go off too? I miss the good old days where you could take a young whippersnapper, put him on the wind shield of a car, and drive as if nothing were out of place.

dewclaw~ the kid's having a problem, so blame the parent ?????? haven't we all heard enough of that ?
without any of us having a direct view of what's going on in the household, it's hard for any of us to make any sort of judgments or assessments. a family therapist or social worker can be instrumental in uncovering what exactly is going on, and help implement ways to make things better.

I agree to a certain extent that parenting techniques can worsen a situation, but blaming the parents for the initial behaviors is not necessarily fair considering that there may be underlying issues that cause the kids to act out. These are really old theories that go back to the psychoanalysts (think Bettelheim in regards to autism) but other conditions have had their blame the parents theories too - like OCD for example. I also felt this way on another post about bullying that kids don't necessarily learn this from their parents. Do they learn all the bad behaviors from their parents who are saying they are proactive in trying to model the proper behavior?

As an Aspie with 3 younger sibs (now all in our 20's) I can remember some typical fights where we blamed eachother for stuff we did. That was just us being regular siblings. C'mon, no kid will admit to being the "bad guy" when they know they'll get punished for it. Your situation sounds quite different, but not necessarily Aspie-related.

You mentioned that she doesn't like her siblings "bugging" her, that the 3-y/o gets on her nerves. Not to question your parenting skills, but maybe she just wants more time alone by herself or with you. If I may suggest, schedule a few 1-on-1 outings; even if it's just shopping together or to a playdate. Maybe you could schedule a playdate for the younger 2 so you can be at home with her. Time away from sibs might be a good stress relief for your 8-y/o. (Bonus points for making sure the outing is something related to her interests. )