4yr old aspie's need to control

Post Reply New Topic

Seven weeks ago, my son recently started a special ed preschool class, 25 hours a week. I expected there to be some transitional issues initially, but he took to it and loves it. Three weeks ago, these new behaviors began. I can only assume it's a reaction to the day's minor stressors. I give him a lot of down time in the afternoon and he's not over-scheduled.

The behavior: his need to dictate everything that happens. "I want to get the mail, I want to open the front door, I want to grind the coffee beans, I want to feed the dog, Daddy--you sit there, don't walk down the stairs without me, etc etc". This goes on from the time he wakes up, then again when he returns from school when it gets much worse. Accompanying this behavior is tenacious and relentless negotiating. It's become exhausting and I can see myself becoming a parent who just lets their child walk all over them--which is not like me. I've lost my cool several times and am disappointed with my lack of patience, when I start out with complete confidence in myself that I can handle the situation, I find out I can't sometimes.

1. Is this just a new chapter in his life as an Aspie? He's always been pretty easy to "talk out of" these moments but now has major meltdowns with each thing he doesn't get to control.

2. Could it be a temporary reaction to school? We've noticed he has developmental stages lasting 2-3 weeks and then he's back to himself, but with his ASP diagnosis, we don't know if the usual rules apply anymore.

3. Do you have any tips on how to deal with this? I let him have choices, I tell him no quite a bit to these demands, we have discussions about it, but now he has meltdowns and I send him to his room to cool off. Effective for that one situation, but 10 minutes later, he's making demands again.

Your experiences, thoughts, suggestions are appreciated.

Maybe he is picking up this behavior from being told what to do at school--copying the teacher? Or maybe he feels powerless at school so he's trying to assert himself at home.

They do it because it makes them feel safe. I would guess that with all the chaos that being in pre-k and being around other kids brings, that your child needs to feel in control of things at home. (Your child may know not to do it at school and may be able to control it then)

My son tries to do this, too, still. It is how he handles things. I would try to bring him additional stability first before you try anything else. If your school is designed for special ed, I am guessing they have some kind of visual schedule already for him. If not, he should have one. This will help your child know what is coming up, so it feels more ordered.

I would ask the school how he is handling transitions from one activity to another, and random things like kids knocking his stuff over. Find out as much as you can about how he responds to things, with as much specificity as you can. If you can help them make his day at school less stressful, he may pull back on a lot of the controlling behavior on his own, especially since this is new behavior from him.

(Disclaimer, my son is 7, and still responds to uncertainty in this way, as he is very rigid. We are trying to work on increasing his flexibility and his tolerance for change, but it is going slow.)

I read a great quote recently that your post reminded me of:
"Years ago a wise teacher told me it is far more effective and important to be CURIOUS than patient. Patience runs out, she said. But curiosity, well, you can ALWAYS keep wondering and learning and trying to understand a child better. You will do the child more good by being lovingly curious than by struggling to hold onto your patience."
I think by coming here and asking questions you are showing your capacity for being curious and wanting to find news ways of handling these new behaviors so don't beat yourself up for losing your cool once in a while.

As others have said, it would be good to know more about how things are going at school and what might be done to reduce stressors there. At home try to find some activities that might help him calm or reduce stress. For us, sensory diet activities, heavy lifting, big bear hugs, jumping on the trampoline, etc. help work off some of that stress from the day. A schedule for home might not be a bad idea if you don't have one already. You could put on the schedule a discrete time or activity where he can have complete control, then it goes back to the next item on the schedule. Having the schedule dictate what happens next is better than you always being the one who says what happens next. A schedule can't negotiate. On those little things you listed that he demands to do, get the mail, feed the dog, etc. have you tried preempting his demand by asking him to do it instead of having him tell you he is going to do it?

I know this is trite, but really you have to choose your battles. If daddy walking with him down the stairs makes him feel more safe, where's the harm in that? You can certainly work with him on delivery and tone and making requests politely but in cases where doing what he wants is no skin off your back then why not do it?

Thanks so much for your insights.

Bombaloo, I love your reminder to be curious rather than patient. There's certainly no harm in doing some of the things he wants, and I want him to feel like he's winning, whether by getting what he wants or cooperating with what others want and need. However, his demands are coming out like machine gun fire as if he's desperate and hanging on by a thread to control. It's simply impossible. I do give him plenty of opportunities to do all those things (he feeds the dog with me twice daily, gets the mail 1/2 the time, grinds the coffee beans 1/2 the time, etc). We have always had a routine at home, with some free time in there, since he was a newborn.

ASDMommyASDKid, thanks for the visual schedule suggestion.

The school district he's in is renowned for their autism spectrum program with parents moving to the district for those services. I think he's getting the best support in the classroom but did email the teacher yesterday to see if she's noticed any problems, and to get her insights.

my 7yo is like this, has been for a long time. Controlling, negotiating everyting, wants to call all shots and make all rules, it can be very exhausting, he gets distressed if you try to limit his negotiations. Even when we explain it to him, clear rules, and whys he still wants to negotiate!

He may also be feeling the stresses of changes, and wants to keep what he knows as familiar to himself, a la control.

When talking with a counselor at the Gray Center, she explained really well what our son was dealing with:

It's like he has been dropped off in a foreign country and does not speak the language, and needs to get from place A to place B. Once he finds a way to get there, he will take the same route over and over and over, since he can't as easily come up with other ways to get there by learning from experiences. NT's see life as a series of roads with many, many ways to get from A to B. Our son sees life as train tracks. Getting him to be able to adapt and see other ways to get there is what we're trying to do.

Maybe by him controlling everything, he is keeping some normalcy in his life. Our son still can't stand to be alone and follows us around everywhere. He can't sit in the car alone while we run back into the house to grab something. 95% of the time he'll want to come with us. Of course, he still tries to get his way, negotiate, etc...

But yeah- the visual schedule is imperative. We have one, and it works so well.

As for patience- yes. MUST have it. I know I get the why? why? why? about 100 times a day, but I know he needs to do that, so I try my darndest to deal with it.
I've spent 2 hours shopping for shoes trying on dozens until he can wear one. It's just part of the territory. Great line I read a while back- "as frustrated as you feel about dealing with his Aspie tendencies, you get breaks. He deals with it all the time, every day." That really changed my perspective on the whole situation ever since I read that.

My 4yo daughter is very like that, she is always controlling everyone. She even tries to line us all up like her toys, she makes couples hold hands so everybody is linked up "as they should be" lol. Its sweet at first and you get a lot of comments about how they will make a good boss one day but it does wear thin for the parents! I too feel like Im seen as weak for allowing her to act like that and going along with things to avoid meltdowns. But I know the consequences if things dont go her way. I allow her to act like this with smaller things as it keeps her happy.

My dds controlling behaviour has changed since school, she quotes the teachers and repeats routines she has at school. Shes never been easy to divert/distract so we are used to it Im afraid Im yet to find a way around this with dd!