Adolescent sexuality? (HELP!)

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Just looking for feedback from my fellow parents about my boy. He's 14 now (8th grade), has been mainstreamed for 6 years now and is out of services. I got a phone call from a very well-meaning female classmate of my son. Evidently, she cares a great deal for my son but shared a very personal issue with me. She was at one time in autistic support herself and has long since been out of services even longer than my son has. She's also 14. Here's the issue: When she leaves her class to use the restroom, my son follows her out, hugs her in the hall, and rubs against her until he screams and ejaculates which leaves wet stains on his pants. This young lady said she told him that this is VERY inappropriate but he won't stop. She said she even scratched him but he wouldn't stop and held her even tighter. Now, she said she must RUN to the restroom before he can catch her or just painfully wait until the bell rings for the next class. She said he doesn't even try to cover the wet stain. She asked him if he was ashamed? His reply was, "It's okay because it's from you." I have not yet told my husband or preferably his older brother (more patient) about this. I'm frozen. I'm scared. Can anybody help?

First check her story. Do your son's school pants ever have stains in the requisite spot? Are there security cameras in the school hallway?

I second this, and I also recommend the book "A Five Is Against The Law"

If this is true, your son has committed sexual assault and this girl would be within her rights to have him arrested. That being said - kids on the spectrum are often the victim of cruel pranks, and this could be one. FIND OUT THE TRUTH.

I'd start by asking your son what he knows about boundaries and girls, and asking his teachers if, in fact, your son leaves class to follow this girl.

That is odd, I mean I kind of wonder where the teachers and school staff are...how do those two end up alone in the hall together so often? I mean I really cannot say much since I really don't know much of the situation. I would advise trying to get a bit more information on what exactly is going on....maybe talk to your kid about it. I mean does he perceive things the way 14 year old is likely to or does he have the mentality of a much younger child?

I mean I guess another factor would be to figure out if its something he knows is inapproriate and is doing anyways, I hate to say it but even autistic people are capable of harassing others at will........or if it really is some lack of knowledge or part of the disability I am in no position to judge the situation I don't think so I can't do that.

Gah. That is tough. I would first directly confront my son. If he acknowledges it...gosh...to be honest, I am not sure what I would do. I mean, I realize you have to make it stop, but...Has he had sex ed in school yet? Some kind of health class? My son is in 6th grade and he would definitely know what that was and why it was wrong because they talked about it in class.

How is your relationship with the school?

I'm really sorry. I, too, would be frozen.

But I would definitely have a conversation with my son first. Not an accusatory one. I might even start it with "Jane called me today. Do you know why?" No "Well, she called because something has been happening between the two of you at school. Tell me your side." My son's responses would help me judge whether or not something was really happening and whether or not he realized it was wrong, but I realize that just might be my son.

This is REALLY tough.

I think I would talk with my son FIRST. I would have basically a "sex ed" talk with a big smattering of "sexual harassment" topic thrown in. I would NOT talk to the school too much right now, because of the possibility of legal issues springing up. You need to assess if your son actually IS doing this, and if he has knowledge of how wrong it is. There's a chance that he doesn't know at all that it's wrong, especially if nobody has gone into detail talking about sexual harassment issues. I have a boy in high school, and I just "assume" that he knows what NOT to do, so I can understand your position. I would freeze about this issue as well.

If your son maintains that he KNOWS what sexual harassment is, and that he did not do what this girl is accusing him of -- then you're in yet another pickle. Then you have to deal with this girl making weird accusations that aren't true. I don't know if, then, you just advise your son to steer clear of this girl, or if you talk to a teacher about the issue.

Good luck with this. I have just been reading about this sort of issue in the book "Growing Up on the Spectrum" by Lynn Koegel and Claire LaZebnik [I highly recommend the book], and it has a chapter on our children and sexual issues. One of the interesting parts that I just read was that our children have the same bodies as everybody else, and they go through puberty and all the sexual changes that everybody goes through -- but their maturity level is WAY BEHIND. For some, that means that they have no idea what sex is about and don't even have the urge (my son, currently) and for others, they have sexual feelings but have no idea about the social etiquette involved. It's a horrible position for our children. It's a horrible position for us as their parents. My thoughts are with you, and I hope that everything turns out ok for you and your son.

I live in the states.

You need to pull out the DISTRICT code of conduct, not the little school thing that might get handed out. It is most likely online.

Flip to the part that discusses inappropriate physical behavior. Highlight the part which best fits what your son allegedly did. Show it to him. It will not be pretty.

In my district he could be charged with assault, sexual harassment, bullying, and or ethnic intimitation. Or any combination. 8th grade is considered secondary education, and there is less "wiggle room" for alternatives.

Ugh. And being in SPED/MI/EI/504 or having an EIP doesn't change a thing about those charges in secondary education. Elementary school has a little more (not much) lee way.

Also the default goes to the person who reports the action. He/she is the one who is considered "the victim". Doesn't matter if she/he is the school skank, or what other reputation she/he has, it is her/his comfort and safety that matters. (in my district).

This is what would happen in my district.

Best case scenario, you'd be put on notice that an investigating is taking place about said alleged actions, and your child schedule would be arranged that there is no chance the two could possibly meet. The report has to take less than 14 working days to complete. There is a meeting, (district members present, beside a whole gaggle of other school folks), and there you'll find out what "they" decide.

If A person says person B being present at school is distressing, that B is put on "administrative leave", until the report is done. She/he would be home bound taught.

It can get ugly and legal really fast.

What is the allegations aren't true? My district has a whole section of what will happen for that. Not pleasant.

My school just went up to 7th grade this year, and we've went through 3 sexual harassment situations. Two of the kids are in special needs. Both were removed. The 3rd one, the parents voluntarily removed the child.

My two cents. I would not have any more contact with the other parent. Not more than a thank you for the heads up, because if she decides to make a report, you don't want to give her any "ammo-lack of a better word".

Hammer it home to your son NO BODY TOUCHING. I tell the kids no hugging, tugging, pinching, pulling or kissing. Life in school is so much easier if you keep your hands to yourself. There is no misunderstanding.

The day your kid gives another kid an overly aggressive hug, is the day the other kid talks to the principal about it. That is how the our first SA charge went down.

Hopefully this will all blow over for you and your family's sake.

I totally agree about addressing the sexual part with your son, but hands to yourself might get understood quicker.