Aspie mom, NT son- social issues

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Ok, I seem to be in the minority here as I am an aspie mom of an NT son age 7. He goes to a private school, very small, only about 30 kids. MY son is extremely social and wants to be friends with everyone. All his classmates except 1 are great with him (he is the baby of the school) and seems to love it. the one student an 11 year old girl we'll call "A" picks on him one day and is his friend the next. Plus, there is the usual social interaction "Momma, I didn't want to be in their play, so I'm making up my own" "J wouldn't let me play with his truck" And what I assume is normal childhood social interaction.

The problem is that he asks me what he should do, and I haven't a clue. I didn't cope well with these issues as a kid, my mom refused to help me, and I'm the only one he turns to. His father and I are divorced, my new husband hasn't really been around long enough for my son to talk to him about such things, and so he turns to me. And I have no answers for him. I just don't know how to answer him. When he says "Why doesn't A like me?" all I know is that apparently the answer isn't "Well, baby, maybe she started her period."

I've never talked to my son like a baby, or even a child, but he doesn't know that I have Aspergers, or really what it is, because I really don't know how to have that conversation with him. Some of the parents at the school know, but as far as students, only the brother and sister that we used to live with their family after I left his dad. I have no clue how to handle any of this, and I don't really want my son to learn my social inability instead of normal social skills. Any ideas?

Could you ask your husband for advice on how to respond to your son? Maybe even if you have to tell your son "I will ask daddy when he gets home, or I will call him and let you know the answer as soon as possible"?

If you don't want to incur the "But mummy why don't you know that?" reply from your son, you could say that it's a "boy thing" and that's why you have to ask daddy.

Good Post.

Yep, that is definitely not the answer...

Yeah, that just sounds like an excuse for their behavior.

Excellent idea whirlingmind. I have often deflected some of these questions to my husband but as he has only been in our life for less than 2 years, my son isn't always comfortable talking to him about stuff. And his father is an unstable sociopath who's answers are even more inappropriate than mine.

I do have an AS kid, am probably AS myself - but I handle this situation by being honest about it. "I had a very hard time as a kid, with no help at all; I really don't know the answer." We then sometimes triage things by going over them in detail and trying to sort it out in a logical manner, but I also try to reach out to the school and teacher for support, and sometimes to other parents. I encourage my son to ask his friends for help as appropriate. I think it would not be inappropriate to mention to the teacher that your son is concerned about this girl and you aren't sure what's going on (email is always great.)

I also remind him that other kids are in charge of their own behavior, and sometimes their mean behavior says more about them than it does about him. Kids can sometimes be mean for no reason at all.

However, to triage a social situation that's gone wrong, it can be helpful to see if your child can start at the beginning (right before he noticed something was wrong) and tell you every interaction between him and the other kid. See if some sort of pattern emerges. Sometimes, all kids need is to talk through what happened so they can understand it clearly.

Teachers are trained to manage conflicts in the classroom - here's a website that offers some insight into how they do it: http://www.teachervision.fen.com/safety ... detoured=1

Bloody good answer. This seems to be working for my NT DD 11 and me. She is socially skillful but also logical and rational. Every teacher says glowing things about her behavior and other than my stepmom's psychotic sisters she has no enemies in her world (and people don't stay strangers for long).

Thanks so much for the input. And especially for the hope that my kid will turn out ok despite my lack of social skills.