Is anyone here a parent with aspergers themselves?

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Hi

I am a woman with aspergers diagnosed and have reached the end of my pregnancy, my baby is due anyday now and I was wondering if anyone who is already a parent with aspergers can offer me any advice on being a parent and I am trying to accumulate as much information about this before my baby is born but there only seems to be support for parents with children with ASD rather than the parents themselves having the diagnosis.

Thanks.

Hi there, I know that there are parents with Asperger's who post on the parents forum here, so if you start a thread there you should get some feedback.

I hope all goes well with the birth.

agreeing with marcia. or hopefully a mod will move your subject to there, if you're lucky and you wont have to start a new thread.
But I am a mother with AS but im more at the lower functioning end of high functioning. I found right from the start, a strict routine for me, with baby, also got baby into a routine. but baby will want to not stick to that routine after 3 months, but if you keep teh routine of feeding times, and bath and walk with pram outside etc, time you will be fine. have you tried the this website? The Baby Center Its a really good helpful resourse for parents. Even I with AS found it really good.

Hi,
I am 55 and diagnosed with ASD, but I've learned, over the years, how to get on with all types, Aspie or NT. In doing so, I have also done myself some big favours because I have finally figured out how to be myself to the degree that this is possible with almost anyone.
I am the eldest of 3, having a younger brother and sister. My father is an only child. I have 3 grown up sons. Strangely enough my father and eldest son also seem to have ASD. Do all firstborns in my family end up with ASD?
I hated childhood and I especially hated school. ASD or not, I have special needs because of pronounced strengths and weaknesses. When I was young, no one could help me with the kind of guidance and support that I needed, so I realised that I really had to work everything out by myself -- both a curse and a blessing. And, eventually I worked out what the child part of me needed, and eventually I worked out how to empower myself to get my most important needs handled in some way.
One very big lesson I have learnt over the years is the value and benefit of treating everyone, including ourselves, as individuals in each present moment. Where someone is on the autistic spectrum can become almost an irrevevance if we just respond to the people who are with us with loving and intelligent kindness, thoughtfulness and respect.
And, when it comes to parenting, my most important injunction to parents is to sort themselves out -- i.e. always be on the look out to solutions to your own problems that do not depend on controlling or manipulating others. I say this because a healthy, well-balanced parent who take full responsibility for his or her own well-being will be empowered to respond helpfully in each moment to the needs of his or her child. The best gift we can give our children is a role model of how best to take good care of ourselves as individual whilst respecting differences between individuals. Learn to get better and better at taking good care of yourself and then you will automatically respond much more helpfully to the individual needs of your children regardless of where they are on any spectrum.
Best wishes, Martin.

I am a woman with aspergers diagnosed and have reached the end of my pregnancy, my baby is due anyday now and I was wondering if anyone who is already a parent with aspergers can offer me any advice on being a parent and I am trying to accumulate as much information about this before my baby is born but there only seems to be support for parents with children with ASD rather than the parents themselves having the diagnosis.

• need food
• are tired
• are hurt
• are too warm/cold
• need a new diper

I am a parent to a little boy who is currently 4 1/2. Babies are initially very boring and mostly for the first few weeks/months its all about the practicalities and I can do practical. Wash, change nappies, feeding etc. However I was very aware what I am like emotionally and socially and did not want that to impact upon my son. The first hurdle I went for was socialising. My HV was always on at me to go to baby groups. I did not want to that but it was important. I went to Rhyme Time. Its in a library and is made up of singing and nursery rhymes and did not involve me having to mix with anyone really and they are up and down the country. I made one friend there, who I still see to this day. My son calls her child his girlfriend That was all fine till I moved to another region. It became very apparent to me that my son was very very lonely and needed the socialising. Again I needed to suck it up and found him a nursery. Emotionally I needed him to know that I love him and do care. He gets hugs and kisses daily but sometimes I find he can be too "in my face" and crowding me and I need time alone. Ultimately between 7am and 7pm I am trying to be as NT as possible but don't really know how well I am doing in that respect. At the end of the day all kids love their parents unconditionally and as far as my son is aware I am normal so many of my eccentricities are also normal to him. My husband also provides normality for him.

I am an aspie parent to a one year old. I found it pretty easy when he was an infant because whenever he cried, I would always give him my boob and he would shut up. I enjoyed holding him too and watching him develop and grow and trying to crawl. I honestly found breastfeeding to be easier because I don't have to worry about bottles and making them their formula and worrying about wasting it if they were not hungry, I didn't have to bring any formula with nor bottles when I go out. Some say breastfeeding is harder than formula feeding but to me breastfeeding was easy. My husband also has to help me because I read him wrong, don't know what to give him but I enjoy holding him and kissing him and rubbing his hair. I also like watching him play. Right now my parents have him because of things that were going on in our lives and we couldn't take care of him. My husband couldn't help me due to his back but he is better now and will be returning to work soon after he gets the note from his doctor.

I also did some crazy childproofing. I taped some cardboard over the TV buttons and cable box buttons, I taped this huge cardboard the baby gate came in over my bookshelf to keep him out, I have blocked off the doors to the entertainment center to keep him out by putting a coffee table there. Then I turned it so the door to it would be facing the entertainment center to keep him out of there too. I have used his playpen to put in front of my dresser to keep him out of there. I have had to move things and put them in higher places where he couldn't reach it. I had to move my books off the bottom bookshelves ad put his toys there and put the books somewhere else to keep him from ruining them. But you don't need to worry about childproof now because your baby won't be able to do anything except cry and sleep and poop and pee and looking at you and other people. Plus they don't even smile yet. You will see them smile but that is unintentional because of muscle spasms. Once they start to crawl and touch things and get into things, time to start child proofing. My son was around six months when I started. I use to just use things like his car seat or infant carrier and chairs to block things off so he couldn't get far because he couldn't even crawl over them yet nor crawl through the chair or through the coffee table.

But I don't have much experience yet as a parent because this is my first one. He is now in his terrible twos and I decided to not take him out anymore because he likes to scream now. But yet he likes going to the zoo and he is quiet and doesn't shriek. Restaurants are a no no now. I had to leave early when my parents and I were out for breakfast and I finished my food and left and they stayed behind to finish and pay the bill. But at home he doesn't scream much. He seems to only do it when bored or when he isn't happy being somewhere.


As for Babycenter, I would be careful with that place. Too many mean women there and they like to troll and bully and they get very sensitive and defensive. So they turn into bullies for it and can't even be rational and calm. Ask a question, they may get offended by it because they take it the wrong way so they get mean and rude and nasty or start to bully you, even spam your thread with pictures. When they are pregnant, it's even worse. Even some of them have admitted there they like to be mean and snarky. Some of them have also said if they have had a bad day at work or having a hard time, instead of coming home and taking it out on their husbands and kids, they go online and do it. But there are none drama groups there and good groups there where women are nicer and calmer in them. But yet I have seen a couple of aspies there who seem to get along and fit in well there. My guess is because people there know them so they understand them and not take them seriously and get offended or they have good enough social skills online to know what not to say. I mostly lurk when I read stuff there.

Any other aspie dads? I am NT myself and not even a parent, but having a baby with my aspie husband is on the agenda now. Just wondering how well he'll manage it. Neither of us have any previous kids.

Back when I was raising children, I didn't know what autism was - let alone that I suffered from it. I have (surrogate) grandchildren now and they seem to like me well enough. They're both in their thirties now so, on the whole, the exercise qualified as a success.

It was hanging out with my children as they learned to talk that started me on the long road that led eventually to diagnosis, and the helplessness of being an adult aspie. I don't suppose that helps much, except as an indication that paternal love isn't entirely ruled out for aspies and that obsessively focussed attention isn't all bad when there are young children involved.

<< Moved to Parents' Discussion from In-Depth Adult Life Discussion >>

There's also a sticky at the top of this board entitled "Parents On The Spectrum" specific to posts about being a parent with AS.

However, the more I post here, the more acutely aware I am of the genetic link in autism: I don't have the benefit of a diagnosis, but the further I go along, the more I realize that there isn't a better way to frame my state of being. I think the reason there are so few boards for autistic parents is that so many of us were born before the more-verbal forms of autism were routinely diagnosed. It's difficult to get a diagnosis as an adult.

Thanks, Mum!

Sorry, we had a meltdown and I lost my train of thought. What I meant to add was that, while you're welcome to post in the specific thread set aside for that purpose, you might also consider posting here. I am guessing that Mummy of Peanut and I are far from alone.

Hi soon-to-be Aspie Mommy,
I am an Aspie Mommy to a 4 and a 7 year old. My husband and I are both ADHD Aspies. We just didn't know that back when my 7 year-old son was born. My son was different from the get go. He never slept (I believe his first two years of life he got two hours of sleep each night, and that was only if I was in his room with him). My breasts, though a size "h", never produced much of any milk. I think 3 ounces was my best day, and that was after pumping 12 times per day for 2 months. My son ended up on a special formula (he couldn't digest cow's milk at all). He rarely ever drank his bottle. Eventually he stopped eating altogether. My lack of sleep, and inability to speak much meant that all of his doctors thought I was crazy and just making this up. Eventually, I found a GI doctor , as well as a Pediatrician, with a brain, and without a god complex.

The sickest part of all is that no one would believe my son had problems, until my daughter was born. Then the doctors were like, "well, the girl seems OK so maybe you're not lying!"

My girl also has Asperger's.

My husband(though Aspie himself) couldn't handle having a child who freaked out at restaurants, family gatherings, the mall, circle time, etc. My husband shut down. So, it was just me fighting for my kid(s) and working with them each day. It was a hell I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

How will you being Aspie affect your ability to parent?
I have found that being Aspie makes me more prone to daydream and I find it really hard to be "in the moment" with my kids.
It's hard to fight the desire to go pursue whatever my Aspie special interest is at the time. Somedays I can fight it, and some days I can't. Especially since I read somewhere that our children become the special interest of many of us Mommies. I wanted to spend all of my time researching Asperger's, finding the resources that they needed, and fighting the insurance companies and the old to get them any services I could.
My Dyspraxia (the inability to organize our brain and physical movements to accomplish something) feels like it is off the charts. There are some days I can't figure out how to get the clean dishes out of the dishwasher, how to make and clean up dinner, etc. It sucks! My kids have it too, so there are some days we do nothing but run into each other.
Giving up my morning routine has been the hardest for me. I can't deal with the kids' level of neediness without my morning routine. Yet, without a nanny or some other responsible adult around, I am SOL and struggle for hours each day to get my brain to move on. You'd think after 7 years my brain would have learned to deal with it. Yet, no it hasn't.

Being Aspie, I have passionate opinions, but not always the social skills or language skills to discuss a topic in a manner NT's find acceptable. Between my inability to put up with the drama, gossipy, small-minded idiot NT bullies that make up every Mom's Cub, Toddler/ preschool class, and Mommy and Me class, plus my bad attitude about every organizations's unreasonable expectations of me and my children (they all knew about my lack of sleep and special needs kids - none of which were they dealing with) meant that, in the end, we made more enemies and wasted more time trying to smoothe things over between everyone. In the end, we would have been happier just staying home and learning to love us the way we are.

Please remember, there is no such thing as "me" time once you have a child. No more downtime, unless you have the money for nannies and cleaners.

The best advice I have for you, is to expect your kid to be Aspie or Autie (autistic). Decide now if you believe in ABA therapy, and how much you are willing to force your child to conform to society's standards. If you want services for your child, remember you must call your local early childhood intervention people before your child turns 2 3/4 or no services ever ever ever. Don't trust the school officials, teachers, and "specialists." They are almost all corrupt. Don't believe every report you read on your child. Most "specialists" are also corrupt and/ or biased. Use your brain, do your research as well as you can in the little time you have, make intelligent decisions, and keep up the fight.

NEVER believe anyone who says "boys will be boys." That is a lie. Listen to yourself, not your mother or mother-in-law. My mother was a special Ed teacher who mostly workd with autistic kids. She told me my kids were fine, and it was me with the problem. My mother-in-law is a Pediatrician. She told me the same thing. My intuition told me they were wrong. My intuition said that if my boy hates family get togethers, it is OK to tell your family no. My family and my in-laws said I was being crazy and that I needed to beat my kid and force him with violence and verbal ridicule into acting like everyone else. I told them to "f" off.

Don't conform, just for conformities sake. Don't push routines just because everyone says you have to. Listen to your heart and intuition. My little night owls wil NEVER be like eying else. They will never have a bio rhythm like others. In fact, they sleep best when they are like a kitty cat, curled up in a sunbeam.

Maybe you will end up like me, with no friends, no family you can count on without enduring their judgements, and a complete hatred for the NT society that wants to kill anything that deviates from it's norm. Even though you may feel totally isolated, don't be surprised if your happy. My kids have never been happier, and we have never had a better relationship with each other then we do now. They are smart , happy, competent, and have a high self-esteem. They can problem- solve each other's problems better than any therapist I know. Worst case scenario, they grow up to be successful doctors or professors who love their careers and their life. And, that is most likely worst case scenario my kids. What more could a parent wish for?

Trust yourself, trust your intuition, trust your child. Do what is right by you and your kids, (as long as it doesn't break any laws), and then no matter what happens, you will know you did the right thing. No one but your baby matters.

I am not exactly on the spectrum, but not exactly off of it, either.

I can tell you the way it has impacted my kids the most is my tendency not to socialize. All the other kids have play dates and get togethers and things like that. But not mine. Because the thought of approaching another mother or calling someone is about as appealing to me as sticking needles in my eyes. It gets better as they get older because they start to arrange it for themselves, but when they are younger it is bad. I think this has been especially bad for my kids because they are both on the spectrum. I often feel guilty about the social learning they did not have the opportunity to do because of me. I also feel that if they spent more time with their peers outside of school, they'd probably have an easier time of it at school.

I have known other moms on the spectrum, however, who were able to overcome this. So my recommendation to you would be to force yourself to be involved with other mothers of kids your child's age. Join some kind of Mommy and Me program and make yourself "befriend" another mother.

If I could turn back the hands of time, that's what I would have done differently.

I am on the spectrum but just recently discovered it, I have 4 kids.

I am a biologist and a rational and logic person and find small children very easy to care for. I used to say that they should just be treated like puppies (well, people did look oddly at me for that remark ) but I still stick to that.

Give them lots of body contact. All my children slept in our bed until they were about one year, and then just next to it. It makes it much easier to feed them during the night as well. Give them food when hungry, change their diaper when needed. Carry them around and remember to look them in the eyes (eye contact very important with normal children, don't know with AS babies). I am really bad at reading non verbal clues, but babies are very verbal. I learned very fast the different modes of crying like hungry or something hurting. It's not that complicated.

I would never ever try some of the more horrendous sleeping techniques you can read about in (american) books. Many babies do not sleep well at night but that is never an excuse to leave them alone in a dark room if they are crying (sorry, something of an issue to me). Must be the worst nightmare for a small baby, evolutionally adapted to be near their mother or other person, to be just left alone in the dark.

Helle