12 year old son

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Hi, my son has aspergers and is very high funtioning. he is brilliant in school and all the teachers love him but at home things can get very difficult. This evening, he was refusing to go to TKD, crying/whining/shouting/pushing things/kicking chairs over/slamming doors. My husband got him and his two siblings in car and while he was strapping in baby, he broke the indicator on the car so he got what he wanted and was proud of the fact immediately after but after a minute he was pleading with me to "help him" and crying again. We dont know what to do. This is just one of a line of instances. He hurts his sister and last weekend he grabbed her hand with his nails and made her bleed. He is a very young 12 year old but physically hes taller than me and whats going to happen if he seriously hurts someone in the house. TKD was the one thing he would go. We've tried loads of different activities but it always ends up with him working himself up so much, saying we hate him and crying and making himself sick.

any advice seriously appreciated.

Maybe he needs more downtime and the TKD is too much. If he is having more stress (puberty, issues at school, socially, etc) he may no longer tolerate the outside stuff. I know that everybody drags their kids to a ton of activities these days, and that comparatively speaking one seems not too bad, but Aspies are different and often need a ton of downtime to recharge.

Is there something specific his sister is doing (sounds, bothering his stuff etc) that sets him off or is he taking general stress out on her? I think you need to see what is bugging him, to see if you can figure out a solution. In the meantime I would try to supervise them when together the best you can.

If you can give us more clues as to what you think may be bothering him, we might have more specific help. Aspie's often don't communicate well and their behavior is often how we know things are troubling them.

Thanks for the reply - it makes sense. I know he finds it hard to express himself. Where we live they dont really so sports in school so its essential he partakes in something - for his own mental and physical development. Like I said, TKD was the only thing left that he would go to We are worried as he will be going to secondary school next year and thats a whole different experience to primary school. His sister is no angel but its still no exucse to his behaviour towards her,plus he definately would take his stress out on her. We try and figure out what is bothering him but he is unable to communicate. Looking deeper into today, he knew his friend would not be going to TKD so maybe thats what started the ball rolling. Should he be seeing a "professional". Services here are awful and he is not under the care of anybody at the moment.

We had to give up TKD, but we found a Tai Chi class that DS is really enjoying even if it is filled with middle-aged people (actually, I think that's kind of a bonus for him.) It helps that it is totally non violent and also non competitive, but the basic premise of patterned, bilateral movement is the same. Plus it looks like Waterbending.

As for the meltdowns at home, we used to have them: DS just holds everything at school in all day and can't do it any more when he gets home. The good news is that this means your home feels like a comforting and safe place for your son - but the bad news is that you have to manage the fallout. One therapist described it as being like holding a beach ball underwater - there's only so long before it becomes too hard to hold and explodes to the surface.

On the Parenting Index stickied on the top of this page, there is a subject heading on violence. Many of the threads linked there talk about kids who follow this particular pattern. Good luck!

PS. I highly recommend seeing a professional if you can - but make sure you find somebody who specializes in autism. Sometimes hospitals have a multi-disciplinary group that gathers autism specialists who deal with all the different deficits together in one place - usually, they are under the direction of a developmental pediatrician or a pediatric neurologist.

Speech therapy for kids who suddenly get worse at 10-14 years old is often helpful, as that is a time when a pragmatic (social) speech delay suddenly becomes obvious to them and the other kids. You should be getting this at school, but getting more of it on your own is probably not a bad idea.

I hope you did not interpret what I said to mean that his behavior towards his sister was justified. Explanation does not equal excuse. What I meant to say is that if you find out what gets him upset, you can find workarounds that keep him from acting up. Depending on her age and maturity you can try to persuade her to not push his buttons. If it is general angst and you know he is in a bad mood, try to keep them separated, that kind of thing.

The friend thing may have been the issue, and if so, I guess you'll find out the next time he goes (assuming his friend does, too) He might have felt too "weird" going without a friend there. That might be why he tolerates going in the first place.

Momsparky - thanks unfortunately services here are vertially non-existent in the public sector. In school he is receiving some resource hours but they are with a resource teacher and shared with other kids. They mostly play chess during those hours. A variety of therapies would be beneficial but unfortunately money is an issue so its deciding which would be the best "professional".

ASDMoomyASDKid - she is pretty good and will back off and we do try and physically have them apart if they are acting up but underneath it all they do love eachother.

Thanks again for the replies, my OH says is going to cost about €200 to get the car fixed, havent a clue where that money is going to come from! We are just worried as these "outbursts" seem to becoming increasing more destructive.

Just saw you were from Ireland - have you inquired here? http://autism.ie/