Experts --- I feel like trashing their bad advice

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I am in a snarky mood today, and a couple of threads made me think about the bad advice we get sometimes from experts. What advice have you gotten that experts insist will help your child, but don't work or sometimes don't even make sense? You can post general things, specific things, silly things, funny things serious things or a mix.

1) I hate it when experts tell you things that they think apply to all autistic children, and do not understand there are exceptions.
2) I hate that people who have a general knowledge of learning disabilities (and are not even experts in autism) think they know more about your child then you do.
3) I hate when they do stupid counterproductive things at school and then want you to do the same stupid, counterproductive things at home so that you are "consistent."
4) I hate it when they give you unsolicited advice on things to try at home, that are obvious to anyone who knows what autism is, or that have nothing to do with issues your child has.

I am sure I will add more, but I just wanted to get the ball rolling.

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 15 Nov 2012, 5:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ooooh now you've got me started....!

Well on Monday I saw a paediatricician who left me feeling an inch tall, grr. He basically said that I should talk to my aspie daughter in the following way: "You are Mummy's little princess and Mummy will always love you" etc etc, even when she has just done somethign really bad "Its the behaviour thats bad not the child". OMG that wound me up, I just politely nodded and walked out, no point fighting such a close minded Dr, he was like a really persuasive salesman, he had the outcome of the appointment already set in his mind and pushed the conversation the way he wanted it to go, talked over me and didnt listen.

The problem with talking to her like that is that shes like an adult in a 5yos body, she feels patronised by that sort of thing and when I see Drs talking to her like shes a baby she goes all shy and freaked out, I can tell shes squirming with embarrassment and so am I on her behalf! Also when she does something bad like lock herself and the cat in the bathroom and "bath" the cat and cover her in cold water and 3 different types of soap plus anything else she can get her hands on, then I need to be firm with her so she doesnt do it again. However we have tried several approaches on behaviour like that and nothing sinks in because she thinks she should be equal to adults and can over rule whatever we say.

For my older son I was told to spend more time reading to him. Big sigh.

For my younger son I get a lot of comments that his twin sister talks for him and that is why he doesn't talk. It is frustrating because it is not untrue in its way, but also not the main thing going on. I get a lot of suggestions for how not to let her talk for him, and I always speak in her favor if she happens to be around (! !! !!) b/c I see her get a look like it hurts her feelings.

For two years, from his caseworker at school regarding his social problems "He will learn from natural consequences."

[quote="Lesley1978"]For my older son I was told to spend more time reading to him. [quote]

And I thought there was no cure for autism, doh just read more!! I like how they assume you are not already reading to him, assuming he is interested in being read to and can sit still long enough without walking off, jumping on the bed or at the very least constantly interupting! DD5 is no good with bed time stories, never been interested in books, unlike my 1yo who loves them.

(you must know by now I'm certainly not laughing at you)

I guess I don't have to tell you how much I agree with here.

As for number 3:

I wouldn't put up with that. If your son has an IEP, YOU are in control of it. I hope you know that. If you don't agree with anything in it, they CANNOT implement it. So what I'm saying is, if they're doing anything you think is counterproductive, you have the right to tell them to stop. Then you won't have to worry about being "consistently" counterproductive. Trust me, I've done it. You may run into officials that try their best to make you believe you don't have the rights you have. Don't let them snow you. You have more power than they would like you to believe. The idiots here in our school district tried to tell us that because we were switching our son to a charter school in their district, they didn't have to implement his IEP, OR provide any services anymore. I checked with the state department of education, and what they told me was flat out wrong, and in violation of not only state education policy, but in violation of state law as well. They still tried to stonewall us. We basically told them "Either implement it, or we will sue." Guess what they did?

I HATE when they tell me that they feel my son is more in control of his behaviors then we think. They havent seen him in meltdown mode, or when he cant control himself in spite of losing his vidoe games (his prize posessions) etc....

I also HATE when people meet my son for 30 seconds and tell me they dont see Aspergers at all. I am glad that he can appear to hold it together in certain settings, but it irks me like they are STILL denying my son has legit diagnosis.

My all time favorite, which has been told TO MY SON, "You need to try harder!" Seriously people, as if that sentence would make all his issues dissappear, casue he will say, "OOOOH, OK, I need to try harder...got it!"

ooooooo. I need to take a break from the parenting forum. This is bringing back a lot of angering experiences, and I needed to quit early and relax tonight.

This thread though, really rings some memory bells. I'm right with you all on everything.

Idiots...

If one more person tells me to create a visual schedule for DS7, I'm going to scream! It's been tried, he doesn't care about them, he doesn't want a personal one on his desk that no one else has.

Then there was the school OT who was convinced DS7's handwriting problems were due his to being tactile defensive. She encouraged me to get as much tactile input into his brain as possible, through hugging him with towels after his shower, massaging him with lotion, etc.

Funny, good old fashioned handwriting instruction seemed to make a noticable difference once I insisted on it...

"If she has no other choice, she will eat what you put on her plate."

Um...OK. First of all, no she will not. I don't think she really experiences the feeling of hunger.

Second of all, what kind of person would insist their kid eat food that smells putrid to them, or has the mouth feel of slug snot? Seriously. She won't eat many foods because her experience of these foods is not like our experience. I should tell her to grin and bear it while eating something repulsive?

"Kids his age should be more organized."

Um...yeah. That's precisely why we say he has a disability. Because kids his age generally are more organized. You pointing that out and insisting that he be as well is not going to magically change his deficits.

"She was completely out of control."

Yes. It's called a meltdown. And you've got it right. She was completely out of control. So your attempts at "redirection" were pointless. Next time, just take her somewhere private and safe and let her get through it like I asked you to in the first place.

And my all time favorite will always be...

"Are you SURE he/she has NVLD/ASD?"

Gee...I don't know...I guess maybe since you have known them for a week and I have known them their whole lives, maybe you are picking up on something that I simply haven't noticed all these years and...gosh...perhaps their doctor is a quack and they really do not have NVLD/ASD. Maybe I am making it up as an excuse for my crappy parenting or so that they can get special treatment at school. You know, because if there is one thing a kid who is struggling socially likes, it's being treated differently so they stick out even more.

Yeah, I get that all the time. We've had a revolving door of "experts" assigned in early intervention, preschool, school and at home and supplemental therapies as well. IIRC we've had no less than 40 different "experts" working with my son in the past two years. Maybe I'm too obstructionist but I refuse to let them feel as if they are in charge - my son is the one who is, in fact, and they'd be loathe to forget that.

What really gets me is the who concept of ABA which seems to follow the maxim of repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting to eventually get a different result. IIRC that is actually the definition of insanity, is it not?

I've come to realize that that doesn't truly apply to my son's autism so that instead of wearing him down he just digs in harder and gets oppositional about it. All the experts can do is shrug their shoulders, slap the "intellectual disability" label on him, give him a stimulant or an atypical antipsychotic to combat the ADHD symptoms then look to see if they can pass the buck to another "expert" and cut their losses and lose the stress from their lives.

BTW, I have to (bitterly) laugh when we get a "nugget" straight out of school who feels that they can take the bull by the horns (so to speak) and be the boss before building a rapport with my son. He may technically be autistic but he reads people quite well and enjoys testing their resolve. I swear that he does not have a short attention span at all. In fact, I think he assesses things so quickly that he moves on to the next thing and expects us to keep up. His actions have shown that he is able to observe and learn - and manipulate to serve his own desires.

So many good responses!

Here are some more specific ones:

1- "He has to know you are in charge." (He "knows" we are in charge, but that does not mean it is productive to rub it in his face, which is I guess what you want) He is also capable of making everyone miserable if he is miserable, and I really don't feel like going down that road just to make a point, if what he is asking is reasonable.
2- "I found negative reinforcement has really helped." Really? Are you out of your mind? You tried that and it failed miserably, and now you have returned to it, and you think it is a smashing success because he is not responding as badly as the first time you tried it, months ago.
3 - Nitpicking of minor behavioral issues like whining. -- With all the other stuff going on, you really care about that? I think I would rather concentrate on the meltdowns and the yelling before I worry about his tone of voice. He doesn't do it at home, and I have bigger things to worry about than if he occasionally whines at school.
4 -"Autistic children need a firm hand." Really? All of them? Always? Do you mean strictness or do you mean consistency? If you mean consistency how is this different from what you would tell a parent of an NT, other than that you really really mean it for autistic kids?

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 16 Nov 2012, 10:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Last edited by HisMom on 18 Nov 2012, 12:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

OMG had this one off my Mother in Law who used to teach at a school for severely autistic children....... she denies my daughter has any problems, but if she does its just because Im not firm enough with her Grrrrrrr!