what's next for my guy

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I know I will get differing opinions on this but hopefully some of you can give me some things to think about that I would miss.

My guy is an 11yo high functioning Aspie interested in drawing, science, how things work, philosophy, logic, computers and music. His IQ on things like spacial understanding is extremely high while processing is extremely low. For example, he is 100% accurate in math, but hates it b/c his brain takes time to process. He is highly sensitive, a target for bullies

Homeschooling since kindergarten has provided him safety while allowing time for me to learn as much as I can about him. Basketball league has given him experience with being in control as kids are "in his face". He now excels in karate and has used it properly in situations with neighborhood boys. (Yay!) We also have him in a large children's chorus so that he has experience in a large group with no accomodations. He says he hates it. Every indication is that he loves it: he made a friend, he listens to the concert CDs constantly, he judges all music with his sister, he comes home happy. (The director says he doesn't integrate the emotional side of his brain with the critical side, or something like that. The only negative she sees at rehearsals is his inflexability to changes.)

On the negative side of homeschooling: 1. he works much harder for others than me. He will argue to death that I said something I didn't, or didn't say something I did. 2. He doesn't want to learn social strategies from me. We've come a long way, but he has so much more to learn, and I'm not the best at them anyway. 3. I regret not being able to get him to art classes, computer classes or other classes he might benefit from.

Other parents of Aspies say our schools are very good. The only negative I've heard was a highschool boy who was sometimes ridiculed for using the stall rather than urinal. The moms I spoke to got what they wanted from the IEP process and see enough support for their kids. One 13yo Aspie entered the school system last year and has turned from depressed to happy.

I'm wondering if we should put him in public school for some opportunities I can't provide at home. He has no responsibility to follow through on assignments, organize, get to class etc. I think he'll need these habits, which may be hard to develop suddently when he goes to college. I just can't provide classes he might be interested in. One local Aspie took a class where he made a computer, which set him on a high level career path. My son would have to deal with negative kids, but would have more teachers than just me.

Anyway, how do you think I should think through this decision?

I was a lot like your son when I was a kid.

I was homeschooled, and I was a very smart kid, but, like your son, I definitely had my own agenda.

I think my mom felt similarly to you. While I would learn everything I could from my equestrian teacher and absorb all the information, or while I would immerse myself in theatre, you couldn't get me to do half that much when it came to my assignments.
You couldn't get me to do any math, but I would work through a years worth of spelling books in a month because it was "fun."
I distinctly remember not wanting to do work and running off (disappearing) behind our house (we had some land) for the whole day.

My mother had similar regrets with not having me in classes and being able to get these neat opportunities. But, she kept homeschooling me until I was 14. And, I thank her for that for a few really important reasons.

1. It allowed me to develop a craving for structure. I'm already autistic (but Mom didn't know that), and I would try and try to make my own schedules for myself. They never worked, and by the time I was 14 I needed structure so much that I was entirely ready for the school environment.
Had she put me in before I really developed a need for routine, and before I had attempted at making my own (self-regulating) it probably would have created some resentment. Remember, I was the kid that spent the whole day in the woods just to avoid math work. Instead, I already knew how to create a routine before getting to school.

2. It allowed me to have the opportunity to embrace a love for learning. Nothing was forced on me - I was introduced to subjects that were truly interesting and that compelled me to learn. Thus, I did interesting projects such as study Greek mythology (and therefore Greek and Latin), study plate tectonics, write a biography on Mark Twain, and start writing a history of the world (starting with Sumer), as well as study literature. This was self directed and started naturally as I was introduced to this stuff.
My mom capitalized on my interests and used them to help me learn. She didn't make me do stuff - she made me think the learning was my idea, so I took it and ran with it. By the time I got to school, I already knew how to learn.


Here's my advice to you: realize that school is not the best place to teach structure and responsibility UNLESS the kid is self- motivated. If not, you'll just make resentment, and you'll get an Aspie that's just interested in his own special interests, which makes for poor school performance and lost opportunities.
My suggestion - find interesting educational opportunities that still allow you to self-direct his education from home, and gradually introduce him to structure and to more subjects. Let it be his idea (or make him think that). And, when the time is right, put him in a good school before college.
But don't think that you're in a rush. All of what I said above happened to me between the ages of 11 and 14.

Let him make his interests his own, and let him learn how to be responsible and learn through his interests. Then, show how his interests apply to other subjects and how responsibility can help him with his interests. That's the best way, in my honest opinion.

Then, there will be no question of when to put him in school. He will want to go, and that's really what you want.

All the best.

Can you find out if the school can do some kind of hybrid? I know some parents had talked about part-time homeschooling for their kids. You can probably figure out what classes would be better served by the school than by you and ask for him to be tracked into those - you can also ask to see if they'll allow you to choose either before or after lunch. If your local public school can't do it, maybe you can find a private school that can (and maybe you can ask the public school system to help pay for it if they can't accommodate you.)

There are definite drawbacks to this, for instance, your child will have a built-in social deficit of only having half the experience other kids do, but it's one of my many Plan B s for DS.

Keep in mind that the "argues with me more" is probably not because he's really any less argumentative with other people, but because he suppresses that urge with them because he doesn't feel safe. This will mean that this and other coping mechanisms he uses around non-family member will be all used up by the time he gets home. In other words, no matter how you set this up, his behavior with you is going to get worse, not better.

That being said, the goal is to open as many doors for him as an adult, and, while uncomfortable, this might be a way to pry a few more open. The key is making sure you don't go from uncomfortable to untenable, and that is a very, very difficult balance to maintain with an Aspie.

Thanks loads for the answers. Momsparky, my state does not allow a hybrid, unfortunately.

Interesting. I wonder if that can be circumvented if you invoke "least restrictive environment?" After all, it's not up to them to decide what that means...but it probably will mean lawyers and advocates and a fight. For future reference, I found this when googling that lists the requirements state-by-state: http://www.hslda.org/docs/nche/Issues/E ... Access.pdf

See if your local art school has a computer-aided-design class or somesuch. You could kill two birds with one stone, and also get him some socializing skills with other kids who are not competitive jock types. Drama classes are also good to help with socializing.

he is only 11, I think you have plenty of years to work on the other issues that you are worried about. When he becomes a teenager for instance. You can also start to implement deadlines and times he needs to finsih work. Have you asked him if he wants to try out public school?

my son is homeschooled too, he is 7. WTG on homeschooling this long

MMJMOM, No, I think it would take a lot to introduce the idea of public school. Years ago, when he wouldn't work for me, I would tell him he'd have to do a whole lot more work in public school. He thought that was terrible. OTOH, I just told him that his homeschool friend will enter school in 9th grade (they're currently in 6th), and asked what he thought about that. He said, "Cool." That's all I could get out of him. Maybe it's a start.

Part of the reason for putting him in school is that I don't think I challenge him at all. I'm tired of the whole thing, and have my daughter home as well. At least she is motivated.

Momsparky, yeah, I know from this forum that his behavior at home will get worse. He will be more than spent when he gets home. But won't he get a start on developing habits for future education? He is so intelligent. I feel I'm holding him back.

Let's put it this way: at home, you have a 1:2 ratio of student to teacher. At school he will have, at minimum a 1:18 ratio.

I think there are very good reasons for kids on the spectrum to be going to school outside the home, and I also believe the opposite of that statement is also true; it depends entirely on the individual kid and the individual situation. However, I doubt sincerely that he'll be learning better educational habits or stretching himself - those things usually require a child who is willing and abe to self-advocate and demand education: most parents of bright NT kids I know aren't happy with how their kids are handled, let alone parents of kids on the spectrum.

However, finding somewhere for him to get used to a classroom setting (I assume he wants to go to college, or you want him to) and working with a group and dealing with them socially - I think those are legit reasons to look for a school that is willing to work with you. Giving yourself a break is also a legitimate reason to find a school.

Maybe you can hire in a tutor, or see if your school district will offer one? At least you could get out of the house for a bit, and you'd have a chance to see if he does better without you (I have a feeling that he'll do significantly better at the beginning while he's trying to impress whoever it is, but eventually it will taper off to the level it's at now.)

Middle School can be extremely difficult for boys of your son's age; if you are going to re-integrate, I would think this is not the best time.

High School, it seems, gets easier. At least it has for many kids I know personally. Perhaps work towards that goal, of going to a high school outside of the home? He can tour schools and do shadow days just like all the other middle school age kids trying to decide which high school they want to attend (at least that is what happens around here). If there is a school that draws from a variety of middle schools, so that most kids are having to make new friends, that helps, too.

If there is a small private school in your area, that could be worth considering for middle school, but otherwise I think the social side of the average middle school environment is way too difficult. Middle school gave my son his absolute worst years socially. And academically, actually - it was all about organization, and he just wasn't there developmentally. Now he is.

Thanks very much for the replies. I agree that his maturity needs to catch up so maybe 9th grade is the best time for entry. I especially appreciate hearing from you, DW, since you say you've had success working with the schools. People tell me private schools have zero accomodation for special kids. But I should look into it. We have a private Catholic School move to within walking distance of our house, closer than the public school actually. I should at least check to see if they could work with me.

I figure my DS wont enter the school system anytime before High School, but then again, who knows?