Is it really bad to hope my unborn child is an Aspie?

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I have AS, my husband has AS, my adult daughter has AS, so does my mum, my brother and my nephew. It's dawned on me that this baby is most likely going to be on the spectrum too. Part of me thinks I should be feel sad about that, but I don't. I feel sort of relieved, but guilty for feeling this way. My family all get on well together because we're all singing from the same hymn sheet. If this baby is NT I worry we'll struggle to make that connection with him and he'll suffer as a result. But on the other hand, I know full well the hardship of being an aspie in an NT world so why would I wish that on my baby? I'm so confused.

I can relate to that. Both my sons are on the spectrum, and so am I. I'm not sure how I'd cope with an NT kid. Not sure re husband and the spectrum, but he's not NT anyway! All parents hope kids are like them, it's natural. There are advantages to ASD sometimes, after all. Don't worry so much about it, just enjoy whatever kind of kid comes. It'll be your kid with your DNA, after all, so you'll have traits in common that'll help you bond, even if the child is NT.

LOL - I lost a baby (very, very early on so not as traumatic as it sounds) several years after I had DS. I didn't know at the time what the "spectrum" meant, but what I worried about most while I was pregnant was essentially having an NT girl. Though I suppose NT boys are pretty scary, too - all that sports....

I'm scared that an NT child will need a lot more social contact with other children which will mean I will have to have a lot more social contact with other parents.

Or he'll chatter and need lots of small talk input.

Or won't thrive with fixed routines.

Or worst of all, won't want to play WoW when he's old enough.

But NTs are socially adaptable - so he or she will socially adapt to your family, don't you think? NTs play WOW too!

But, even with a child on the spectrum, you don't know what they're going to be like. I've got a child who talks non-stop and really doesn't care for alone time, unless she's watching TV. She's also not routine dependent at all and likes surprises (usually). My friend's son has the same diagnosis, but couldn't be more different.

My son who has Aspergers is EXTREMELY social, loves to be with people, around people. he cries and begs daily for me to find someone to play with. He cannot be alone, he has to be with poeple. he talks non stop and is more social them me...lol, he just doesnt get a lot of social concepts and boundaries.

don't worry =) even if you have a NT, the new baby would still be living with 3 aspies, she'd grow up open minded at least.
When someone is born into a family i think they will love unconditionally provided that love is given to the baby, and everything will be fine.
I understand you wanting to have AS baby.
Awhile ago i had a bio clock and i wanted to adopt yet my partner NT thought that if i wasn't able to get a young enough age that the child might treat me lesser since i am HFA. My partner also doesn't have the heart to adopt anyone that is low functioning =(

Yet babies and young children are so used to who they grow up with. When you have your baby, whether NT or not, many times our children teach us things! Either way, i'm sure the new baby will be a perfect fit for your family

I don't fear my kid being NT and no doubt he is one. Him being sociable when he is older, no problem. I can take him to his play groups which is what you are supposed to do anyway for their development and I just sit and watch him play. So I don't understand what the fuss is about aspies and play groups. I mean do you have to go there and entertain other parents? I just go there for my son and sit and watch him while other moms chat. The only thing I have to worry about is having too many friends over and them being too loud but I am the parent so I can tell him how many he can have over and have them be quiet or go home. No messes or they can't be here. Pick up after themselves or they can't be here.

All children need routines, it helps with their development and they know what to expect and know what the rules are. But I am pretty disorganized in my head so it's difficult for me to figure out how to plan it and what time he should eat and all. So far I have figured out he goes down for a nap between 12 and 1 PM. Then he eats when he wakes up but he doesn't always eat when he wakes up.

But the horror stories written by people who were raised by aspies is what worries me. Aspies may seem like good parents because I am only hearing their point of view but I wonder what would their children's point of view be about their parenting growing up. Even people on the spectrum have horror stories about being raised by an aspie parent. But I have my husband who isn't aspie and I have my mom around so he will still have NTs around. My husband is ND but he can still give him what NTs can give him. I wonder what it's like being raised by a mild aspie? I haven't heard any stories yet by people who were raised by mild aspies. Are they any good? I often wonder how my son will feel about me as I keep raising him? Would he have a positive assessment about me as a parent or will he have one of those horror stories about being raised by an aspie parent? Would he be too polite to even tell me the truth if his assessment was negative because he wouldn't want me to feel bad about myself? So he would tell me I did good and not have any horror assessments.


Plus ASD is a spectrum and just because a kid is autistic doesn't mean they won't want any friends. I wanted friends as a child and would always get upset about kids being mean to me and rejecting me. I even wanted a birthday party once so I had one and it was a disaster for me so I never had one again. I am ashamed of my behavior my dad got on camera because I sounded like a bossy b***h when inside I was just over stimulated and over whelmed and I felt things were out of control. I started to feel the same way at my own baby shower so good thing almost everyone couldn't make it or else who knows how I would have acted there. Only very few showed up and it worked out well for me so I decided I am better with small parties when I am in the center of attention. Even eight people was too much for me but I did good still despite how I felt at times. You could also be having an ASD child coming home and talking about kids being man to them and them being rejected and hearing their frustrations about trying to play with other kids and trying to fit in. They can still want to go to a sleepover or to a birthday party. Not all aspie kids want to be asocial and have no interest in making friends. They just have a hard time with it is all or don't know how to make them. Plus the autistic child may have no routines meaning they don't do the exact same thing everyday in the same order and they just do what they like to do. Plus like two others say, they may talk and talk. I became a huge talker when I started talking better. Ask me at age six how was school and what I did that day, I would start from the beginning of school starting and talk about the whole entire day and not stop talking until I got to the end of school day. If you interrupted me to have a talk turn, I would tell you "wait, I am not done yet" and keep on talking. I am not sure when I grew out of that. I had to learn turn taking in speech therapy. To me it was the same as sharing toys with other kids when you play with them, same rules applied when talking.

Finally some common sense on this forum.

As someone who does not suffer from Autism, I can say that i've never seen a forum on a disorder that actually encouraged the disorder.

For instance, if i went on to a food addiction forum, i wouldnt be talking about food. Id be discussing my own mental disorder and discussing with others how to make it better so my own life would be easier.

But this forum is different. Here people re-enforce their mental disorder and choose to stay in utter denial of their disorder.

If people here wanted help, they wouldnt have a thread that they are bumping when they are horny... And married with kids ontop of that. That is a personal thing and completely innapropriate. It re-enforces bad behavior that Aspies inflict on others.

I actually came here to ask questions about my brother in law but after reading some of the things here, its obviouse the people here are in denial. Its the rest of the world that has a problem... Never the Aspie. The Aspie is logical and perfect. The aspie has everything under control and spends his life figuring everything out. He knows it all. What is good and bad not only for himself, but society and the rest of the world.

Again, this is the ONLY forum i have ever seen where people are actually promoting and indulging in their mental disorder (which is the most debilitating).. adhd is secong most.

The truth is, most Aspies can teach themselves what is appropriate and make themselves a whole lot better. It may take medication and time to train yourself, but you need to realize as Aspies you guys are very prone to black and white thinking which makes you very susceptible to 'cults' or 'fringe groups'. This forum has actually become one.

The secret of life is knowing you dont have answers to all the questions in life. So stop spending your life trying to figure everything out as it will only lead you into cults and depression.

Once you train yourself to stop searching for answers (which includes letting go of your FALSE of rationality/superiority over the NT world), only then you can start to see the shoe on the other foot and realize the harm you do to other people arounf you. You will them finally 'get' why most NT's believe in a God and afterlife although you are not 'capable' of doing the same, you will still understand it. Its sad this site promotes black and white thinking and all of the other Aspie traights.. Its no wonder this disorder is so debilitating.

My brother in law is hurting many people around him unintentionally. He wants to do the right thingd, but just doesnt know how and does not realize that the world doesnt revolve around him.

And here at the bottom of each page, a mugshot of the site owner to re-enforce the disorder rather than help it.

Most people on the spectrum at the higher end see autism as a difference. I used to want the same thing but I never wanted a LFA child or a child who is badly impaired by their autism. But I don't care anymore if I have an NT child or an aspie one. I will love my kid just the same if he turned out NT which he did. Besides I feel it's selfish now to wish such a thing on your child. I remember how hard it was for me growing up so why would I wish it on my own child? Back then it seemed fine but I didn't know any better then. Now I realize how much it impacted me growing up and I feel my childhood would have been easier without it. I also would never wish for my son to be deaf because I was and it left me speech delayed because I was 12 months when I went deaf. Then it left me speech delayed. I wouldn't wish my son to be speech delayed either. I wouldn't wish anxiety on my son either or ADD or other disabilities.

But there are even NTs out there who would have had easier childhoods too if they didn't have some other sort of disability or issues they had in life that were caused by other people so I don't feel AS robbed me of my normal childhood. I used to feel that way but I realize mine was still good after hearing how worse some kids have it. Child abuse for example and there was me having a roof over my hear, being fed, had clothes to wear, being loved, read stories too, had toys to play with, allowed to play with other kids, had a Christmas and birthday, had Easter. Then I have heard stories by other aspies and how not understanding their parents were while I had ones who did work with me and tried understanding me and took me to lot of doctors, had me do therapy, fighting for my education, working hard with me. My husband grew up poor so it made his life hard too. I didn't grow up poor. I grew up in middle class. My childhood was good after all ignoring all the bad.

But not all aspies wish for their child to have an ASD nor do they not think it's a disability. Some don't even have kids because they don't want to pass it on down to them. I had an aspie friend online who would rather adopt and not have any of his own because he didn't want to pass his autism onto his child. He viewed it as a curse. But most aspies want understanding and acceptance. I think that's what it's all about anyway, the stuff you saw on here.

Last edited by League_Girl on 10 Jan 2013, 4:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

Can you please explain this statement. You are currently in the Parents Forum the thread you are talking about is in the Adult Autism Issues forum, which is not concerned about whether people are married or have children. That forum, as you can tell from the thread titles, has adult themes, which some people will not want to visit. There's a more serious discussion in In Depth Adult Life Discussion. If you've used forums before, you'll understand that some forums and threads are not places where your would want to get involved in the discussion. And your last sentence here is highly offensive to many of our members.

Please note: Member Cackles has been banned.

FWIW, I've heard that some parents in the Deaf community have expressed hope that they have a deaf child. They view deafness as a difference, and value the Deaf culture.

As a few here have pointed out, ASD is a spectrum. I guess since Aspergers no longer exists as a diagnosis you are hoping your child will be on the spectrum but "high functioning". As the parent of a child with ASD I have to be honest and say your post is a quite strange (I'm really trying hard to restrain myself from saying anything more).

In any case, whatever your child is I'm sure you will love them regardless.

Apart from WP there is no "autistic culture" or place where people with autism can gather that I am aware of? (at least not here in Australia). There seems to be five groups who seem to have different agendas. Firstly
1. high functioning autistic people who can communicate like NTs and mix with NTs (I include myself in this group).
2. autistic people who can talk but don't communicate like NTs and don't mix with NTs (like my daughter)
3. low functioning autistic people who struggle to communicate
4. parents of autistic kids (I'm in this category as well)
5. health providers who work with autistic people and who "promote" themselves as experts on all things relating to autism

I am struggling to see how such disparate groups can get together to form an "autism culture"