Aspie adult advice on introducing babies

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Hi,

I live with my husband and his aspie brother. My husband and I are planning on starting a family and I am looking for advice on how to introduce the subject with his brother. I want to start talking about it now as its going to involve a lot of change for all us. The biggest impact to him will be how the rooms in the house are set up and used. His personal space won't change but how we use the family areas will.

Also we have 2 dogs which will mean changes for them and I need his help to reinforce these changes, which in the past he hasn't been so good at sticking too.

I would love some advice on talking about these topics with him.

To give some background he was only diagnosed 5 years ago. Neither of his parents are alive he only has me and his brother. The relationship with his brother is poor quite a bit of tension. Him and I get along well. He doesn't work, he has in the past but has struggled to hold a job which now with the diagnosis makes sense.

Since the diagnosis he has seen a psychologist but now is refusing to go. None of the extended family help, mine would but they don't live near us, his family seem to think that because I am here we don't need any help.

The other problems we have relate to:

Personal hygiene, his rooms often smell. I have spoken to him in the past about regular cleaning and opening of windows which he does for a while then goes back to is old ways.

Untidy room and his hoarding: he has so much paper in his rooms that I am concerned its a fire hazard and his cupboards are so full that he can't put his clothes away. They live in the wash basket.

I don't want to overstep the mark on these as I want to respect his personal space but at the same time we all share a house. And if one room smells or is messy that carries through the house.

Any advice is most welcomed.

Hi, I'm an Aspie. I apologize in advance cos I'm eager to help but not really sure how. I'm not very sure about your brother-in-law, but as an Aspie, I'm the sort who expects newlyweds to start families. I think that a straightforward approach (just tell your brother-in-law your intention to start a family) is preferable to a subtle approach (dropping hints here and there) because Aspies like me sometimes don't get hints or misunderstand them.

To be brutally honest with you, I can't speak for other Aspies, but I can thrive in a messy ( though not stinky) environment because as long as I can find any item that I need, mess doesn't pollute my eyes even though mess does pollute many people's eyes. Maybe your brother-in-law wrongly assumes that if he can tolerate the stink in his room then everyone else can tolerate the stink. As long as you criticize his action (letting his room stink) rather than him as a person (stinky room=socially undesirable person), I believe that your brother-in-law is open to criticism. Many NTs don't dare to criticize Aspies in the Aspies' faces because they fear that the Aspies might get angry or upset, so they just keep quiet and shoot the Aspies dirty looks, hoping that Aspies will get the hint and correct themselves but (insert vulgarity here), Aspies might think, "Yeah, I'm getting dirty looks because I have done something wrong but I don't know what I have done wrong.", so they won't correct themselves. Please tell your brother-in-law in his face (or leave him a note) that his refusal to clean and open windows regularly has resulted in a stink that distresses you. Please don't tolerate with the stink just because he is an Aspie because even if you baby him, the rest of society won't baby him.

As for hoarding, if possible, maybe show your brother-in-law some news articles about people trapped in fires cos they hoard too much. If we Aspies misbehave, it's usually because we don't know how severe the consequences will be. By showing your brother-in-law such news articles, hopefully he will understand that hoarding will lead to severely undesirable consequences.

I'm genuinely happy that you are willing to turn to Aspies for advice. When I lash out at NTs, I only mean to lash out at those who disregard Aspies' POV.

Thanks for your advice. Will try the approach on hoarding and the cleaning issues. I always avoid criticism of him directly, as I have seen how not productive this has been, hence the relationship between him and his brother.

I want to make sure in dealing with these issues that our friendship outside of me being his sister in law stays strong. As we have come so far and I can see how much happier he is.

Do you have any advice for me being able to get him to come see the psychologist with me? I have asked him, given him time to think about it and made sure that he understands going is for me. As I want to learn how to communicate with him better and ensure that I provide the things in his life he needs from me. He is relunctant to go back as the first doctor who ever diagnosed him said talking about it won't fix it. He now is using this as an excuse.

I was hoping to use these sessions to improve how we not communicate, there are times when I know he is angry/frustrated etc... With me or a situation but he is unable to communicate this insteads he becomes snappy and isolated often arguing with his brother. Which creates conflict.

Sharing a house with people is difficult and for him it must be tough to be with your brother and sister in law. I want to make sure he feels that he has a voice in the house, and that he has input into decisions that are made. For too long his family have ignore his opinion and not encouraged him to find ways to communicate that work for him. I would like the two of us to work to changing this as its important.

What makes this situation harder is he doesn't have any friends and only works 1 day per week. So his only social outlet or interaction is when him and I do things together. I have tried to encourage him with social groups or doing some volunteer work again he is not interested.

Thanks for your help and sorry if anything I have said offends, still all new to this.

There is a degree to which this doctor might be correct, and this may not be an excuse. This is not to say that things can't improve, but you are attempting to use verbal communication to help someone with a social communication disorder.

We tried this with my son before we got a decent diagnosis. Not surprisingly, he was incredibly frustrated most of the time. Psychologists and therapists frequently don't have the correct tools to deal with a person on the spectrum. My suggestion would be to find someone who specializes in autism, and one way to screen for the right person is to make sure they don't rely solely on verbal communication to help you sort things out.

One of the things, for instance, we were taught to do with my son: no matter what we discuss - we put it in writing for him to process visually. Our home is littered with contracts containing our agreements in bullet-point lists. This may be a way to address the issues with housecleaning and pet care - spell out exactly what you want him to do in a bulleted list, put it somewhere where he has easy access to it, and simply refer to it when it comes up. You can add a separate note of why it is important, and maybe some alternate options if he doesn't want to do it your way (for instance, he can pay a dog walker or a housecleaning service.)

Hi, jemgri, nice to hear from you again.

I think that one possible reason why some NTs (definitely not you) complain among themselves that Aspies seem almost impossible to please is that Aspies haven't gathered together to hammer out social norms governing the Aspie community. Every NT is unique, but at least social norms such as "It's rude to dig your nose." and "It's rude to slurp soup loudly." exist in society. Due to the lack of Aspie social norms, anything that suits one Aspie well doesn't necessarily suit another Aspie. I understand that most people find trial-and-error distasteful, but you probably need to figure out how to get along with your brother-in-law through trial-and-error.

1. I suspect that your brother-in-law might have some bad experiences involving psychologists. Personally, I have some bad experiences involving counseling. As a result of such bad experiences, nowadays the only form of counseling that I can accept is phone counseling. I admire many NTs who are able to laugh a bad experience off and say things such as "One bad experience won't ruin everything for me." I'm trying to get rid of my black-and-white thinking which states that if I have three or more bad experiences involving something, then that something is BAD and anything related to that something is GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION. I hope that you won't make your brother-in-law switch psychologists because if your brother-in-law has already been prejudiced against psychologists, he will refuse to meet the new psychologist. Maybe you can ask your brother-in-law bluntly (Aspies like me love bluntness!! !) whether he has any bad experiences involving his current psychologist. Um, then try your best to address that bad experience? I'll use myself as an example.
PROBLEM: I have bad experiences involving face-to-face counseling. Counselors seem to have little patience with me, especially when I start crying.
SOLUTION: I'm less likely to cry over the phone so when I need counseling, I just dial a helpline.

2. Yup, I understand what you mean by "unable to communicate". Like... I'm unhappy about something but I don't know how I can translate my unhappiness into words, so I just bottle my unhappiness up until I lose my temper one day. I have been encouraging some other WP members to vent unhappiness through "automatic writing" because it helps me vent unhappiness to the point that I'm much more sweet-tempered as compared to last year. I strongly encourage your brother-in-law to try "automatic writing" out. It's harmless (when compared to drinking and smoking) and it doesn't even cost a single cent.

Automatic Writing (Wiki)

3. I'm very touched that you do value your brother-in-law's opinion a lot, but... I don't know about your brother-in-law, but for me, I don't have any opinion on many matters so I just keep quiet. If people ask me for my opinion on such matters, my mind will just go blank. I usually don't have any opinion on matters that I'm satisfied with, so if your brother-in-law tells you that he has no opinion on how the household is run, please don't get too alarmed or disturbed. Maybe he has no opinion because he is genuinely satisfied with the status quo.

4. Yay! I'm an Aspie who volunteers with NT kids once a week. Initially I don't really get along with my fellow volunteers because they seem very status-conscious and they do get upset with me when I'm slow or misunderstand their instructions, but now we all get along well. One said that she likes how my body language has become more "open" (relaxed) over time. So yup, I'm happy that you have been encouraging your brother-in-law to volunteer because volunteering does work wonders. Personally, I think that nowadays the number of people people willing to volunteer far outnumbers the number of vacancies available for volunteers, so finding a nice (suitable) volunteering stint does require some luck. If your brother-in-law likes working with animals then volunteer with animals. If your brother-in-law likes working with things then maybe he can sort donations out. Some NTs laughed when I told them this because they dread libraries--To me, the library is the best place to volunteer. Too bad I haven't volunteered at any libraries yet because all vacancies are filled.

Hi, momsparky, if your post were a Facebook post, I would have "liked" it. I have two Aspie relatives, one diagnosed and one undiagnosed. The diagnosed Aspie's mom makes lists for him that she pastes all over the house, hence making his life somewhat easier.

One thing I should mention is that a lot of AS people have executive dysfunction. Some of the features of executive dysfunction are:

* difficulty forming and/or carrying out plans
* difficulty inhibiting impulses, or poor emotional regulation
* difficulty 'remembering to remember'
* can do things sometimes but not other times
* difficulty forcing self to do things that aren't very enjoyable
* difficulty getting started
* difficulty organizing things
* poor sense of time (eg can't tell half an hour from two hours without looking at a clock)

I mention this because my room is a mess, and I can't keep it clean no matter how much I try. And in many different areas I have the pattern of doing a routine for a while and then reverting back. None of this is by choice, it's because keeping to a routine, organizing things, etc are extremely difficult for me. Executive dysfunction is the main reason I can't live independently.

Because people so often see this behavior as intentional, I used to be extremely sensitive about anyone pointing out signs of it to me. I would adamantly insist that I was doing fine, and resent anyone trying to get me better organized. Since I've learnt about executive dysfunction, I'm a lot more willing to admit when I have a problem and openly discuss how my executive dysfunction affects me and how to help. It used to be really upsetting because I thought I was a failure as person, not realizing it was a disability causing this.

One big thing is external organization. If someone gently reminds me when I need to do something, and keeps reminding me without getting upset that I continue to need reminders, that helps a lot. Plus I've figured out ways to go with the flow and do tasks when they're easy rather than when they're hard. One autistic woman gave an analogy comparing herself to a stork - flying on thermals instead of power-flapping. This is really helpful to me because I can sometimes make myself do something when it's hard to do, but this is never sustainable because I get exhausted quickly. Whereas if I figure out cues that serve as 'thermals' for me, I can do more.

A diagnosis is not an excuse, it's an explanation. It can give you guidelines on how to address the problem constructively instead of just trying the same thing that never worked before.