Explain caring/nurturing/comforting?

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What is the underlying concept that links together not hurting, caring, stable, safe, nurturing, comfort, tight hugs and weighted blankets? Why do other people care about whether I get hurt? Why are people not ment to hurt themselves? I dont understand this area of emotions and am trying to figure them out. I quite like these, but I dont understand what the underlying concept is or why I like it and how it impacts other people. I would value input on this - thanks

Humanity, perhaps?
Was watching Flash Gordon the other day and one of the characters used that word to describe what made the human race special, and better than the baddies.

These questions can also be considered from an evolutionary point of view. (IMO it was God who designed both evolution and gravity, and used these as tools to create us, but that's a topic for a more controversial thread...)

One of the reasons tight hugs and weighted blankets are comforting is that it mimics the full body closeness that infants receive when being nursed by their mothers. This is essential to the survival of an infant so nature has evolved a need for it at a deep level in the brain. Caring, stable, safe, and nurturing all relate to the need to survive.



In mammals, mothers must care for their young for a long period of time for them to survive and create the next generation. In humans, this period is particularly long, and has evolved to the point where extended family, tribes, and society all have a part in providing for and protecting the next generation. We have families, tribes, and societies because our brains have the capacity to care whether other individuals get hurt. Our brains may have these capacities because as primates evolved, it gave them an advantage in survival compared to those who did not have the capacities.

People are not meant to hurt themselves because hurting oneself makes it less likely that you will survive long enough to pass your genes along to the next generation.



Most NT folks don't think very deeply about why they have these emotions, they just feel them and act upon them. I'll go out on a limb and speculate that people on the spectrum also have these emotions and instincts, but differences in the mirror neuron circuits make it hard for them to understand what is going on when they see another individual act upon these emotions and instincts.

Thanks, that is interesting, it fills part of the gap I have in understanding this concept - I still dont understand its relevance now. For example, I now have a better understanding of why people have evolutionary instincts against harm to others, but what about now, why do people care if I get hurt or if I hurt myself?

I heard someone saying there is a link between ability to empathise, read body language etc. and the closeness of the relationship the person had with their parents. Can someone explain what this sort of closeness with someone is like?

Human beings are social animals - pack animals, if you will. Therefore, if any member of the pack is hurt, it can negatively impact the whole pack: if you ignore the hurt member, everyone is held back. Per evolution, therefore, if you are hurt, as a member of your species, I will want to help you.

This works to our benefit in a couple of different ways. First of all, and easiest to understand is the concept of reciprocity: if everyone always goes to the aid of the hurt person, then when I am hurt someone will come to my aid. Second, if we are working together to achieve goals, helping the weakest link will strengthen everyone's ability to reach that goal. It would follow from this that if you try to hurt yourself, someone will stop you.

These aren't things that most people are conscious of, they are hardwired by evolution (and they can be seen in other pack animals as well as humans.)

As for the "hardwired" part, parents usually follow natural cues to make sure their baby's needs are met: babies don't really know how to communicate. If you read through the "Parenting on the Spectrum" board, you'll see that many AS parents have read how the baby books say you'll be able to "understand" your baby's cries and know whether it means they are in pain, are hungry, or are wet. Many times the advice is that this happens naturally, but I think some parents figure things out more by process of elimination (I think I did) than by understanding the subtitles of different types of crying.

I guess what I mean here is that while there is a short-cut to closeness if you can read the subtle non-verbal cues of your child, that doesn't mean you can't be close: the key is trying to understand and fill their needs. How you get there doesn't define the closeness, it's the understanding and meeting needs that is important. Therefore this experience is not exclusive to NTs (and many NTs fail at it as well.)

Otherwise, your last question sounds a bit like the debunked "refrigerator mother" idea - it has been proven that AS doesn't happen because you have bad or cold parents.

Your the next generation. If you hurt yourself or get hurt, you won't be able to survive to continue the species.

Why now? We may be lightyears ahead of cave men, having harnessed fire, firearms and gun powder, we can light the night, build homes that can withstand hurricanes, the biology is still in our DNA.

Thank you for the responses, they have been very helpful in my starting to understand this area. It has taken me a long time to reply due to ending up in hospital and a couple of other things but I would really appreciate finding out a bit more.

What is closeness to people like?

What factors cause someone to care about someone else? Can this feeling of caring be controlled?

How does love fit in with things?

I have managed to get to 20 years old without understanding the concepts of caring, love, closeness. I did not have any need for closeness or connections with other people for as long as I can remember. I am starting to understand them, and for the first time I can remember I felt sad about someone getting hurt the other day, so caring about someone. I have just reached a point where the knowledge that someone cares about me does not scare me and it has been pointed out that I dont know how to care about myself. Its a topic I have been trying to figure out and as I have been understanding it more it has been changing the way I interpret people.

I'm not sure how to explain the first two things, but for the third, here's a thread that you may find helpful: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt169052.html

Many of these things: caring, love, closeness - are really expressed in actions. Feelings are a part of it for many people, but I do believe it is your actions that are important. There is a degree to which both love and closeness are about communication between people as well: you have an understanding of who they are and what their needs and wants are, and you have a wish to express to them who you are and what your needs and wants are.

For instance, one of the most loving things my husband did for me: he bought me a trip as a "surprise." The day before he was going to get us ready to go, he realized that I hate surprises (even though the typical narrative is that the loving thing to do is surprise your mate with something nice.) He told me that he was planning to surprise me with a trip, but he knew I would want to pack my own suitcase and know what the arrangements were and I wouldn't enjoy the trip without that - so he deliberately "spoiled" the surprise part, and just took me on the trip.

He was close enough to me to know that what typical women like would be upsetting to me, and loved me enough to change things to accommodate my needs.

Does that help?

The posts about religion have been split to a separate thread at the request of the OP and can be found here:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt219266.html
Those wanting to discuss religion please use that thread.

Yes, that does help, things are becoming a bit clearer, thanks.

So is closeness about understanding someone else - really knowing them - and that is shown through taking actions which show awareness and understanding of person?

So caring has something to do about other peoples happiness being important - if someone cares about another person, they affected on an emotional level by how the otherperson feels? Why? Does it bother someone that they are now impacted emotionally by the other person?

There is a philosophical concept where the love and caring you received from your family as a baby is reflected in how you act towards those less powerful than you, and furthermore, how you will defend others when someone is abusing their power over them.

When you receive love, it feels good, so it sets up a tradition of love in your mind. It sets up an accepted way to treat people less powerful. And that becomes the precedent set for civilisation. A humane civilisation cares for its most vulnerable members and acts to prevent the abuse of power, and this drive in all humans can be traced back to the nurturing they received as babies. Basically, nurturing on a small scale becomes justice on a large scale.

Axel Honneth wrote about that. It's quite interesting to think about.

Yes! You've got it!



For NT folks at least, sometimes the actions precede the emotions. If you do actions again and again that are intended to promote happiness and well-being in the other person, the emotion of caring for that person develops even though it wasn't originally there.



Usually not, except perhaps sometimes in the very beginning of a romantic relationship. To establish a connection in this way is viewed as a positive development and feels good -- especially if the connection is reciprocal.

To be bothered or afraid of making a connection is considered to be unhealthy (perhaps due to past emotional trauma) or a sign of immaturity (for instance a man unwilling to limit himself to just one partner.)