Don't Be Yourself by Scott Young

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http://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2006/10 ... -yourself/

Parents, you all may find this interesting. Please, tell me what you all think of it? Personally, I think it makes sense and it gives a lot of clarity to "Be Yourself." By what I understand of what Scott is saying these are the premises

1. One has some amount of control of his personality.
2. One should pick a set of personality traits that are positive and will bring you and others benefits.
3. One should be congruent meaning consistent as possible.
4. Don't let consistency stop you from learning, enjoying life and growing.

Conclusion: Be congruent with who you decide to be and allow for growth and personal development.

Apparently this was the original intent of the advice. "Be Yourself" seems like shorthand for "Be Your Best Self." It does not mean that we all can act the way we want when want. It does not mean we can just choose whatever behavior we choose and claim it as our true selves.

I think a lot of children(NT and AS) are misconstruing this advice. I think this is one of the core reasons for major behavior problems that exist today.

A fine balance between "be yourself" and "don't be yourself because no one likes it"....
The downside you get is that most children do not do soul searching and establish an identity until they are in their later teens, but good to start putting the ideas into their head when they are young.

I don't know, I don't recall ever having trouble understanding what "be yourself" meant. It means to not pretend to be something you are not, because the act isn't helpful to you. I never figured it meant I could drop manners or act inappropriately.

Granted, I didn't take the "don't pretend to be something you are not" part to heart until I'd tried out the pretense a few times, and figured out how crazy and ineffective that approach is. But I still understood the message.

I've explained it to my kids (one AS and one NT) and they seem to get it. In a job interview, if you aren't a fast worker, don't claim to be one. List your actual strengths, instead. When meeting potential dates, if you've never skied before, don't tell the guy you love to ski, just tell him that you are open to learning how to (assuming that is true). And so on.

Interesting theory that it has been misconstrued to mean letting everything hang out; I can see that some people might do that, but I'm not going to buy the theory that it is an issue with kids. I've got my own theories there

1. Well, just because you don't recall ever having trouble understanding what "be yourself" meant does not mean others don't and are not misconstruing the intent of this advice.

2. There are those who do drop manners and act inappropriately and claim it is a part of who they are. Some people do figure it in this way. Those at Nambla are doing the same thing. Should Nambla be allowed to be their true selves? Personally, I do not think so.



Well, there are others who do not and are misconstruing it. They are interpreting it outside of its' original intent.



This is good. I am glad you explained it to your kids. IMHO, parents need to explain stuff like this to their children in more depth. I do believe this is one of core issues with behavior problems. My proof of this is talking to people. They make the claim that their jerkiness or shyness is a part of who they are.

With respect to the workplace, they have certain inherent traits of a person's personality that they require. One of them is showing initiative. With exception, I do not agree with it. If I see some trash on the ground, of course I would go ahead and pick it up. On the other hand, I'm not Grace Hopper. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grace_Hopper From my point of view, one is expected to be like her and bend and break rules at a moment's whim when they're inconvenient.

With respect to positive attitude, I look at it like this. I am a grump. I think work sucks. I hate work and I hate everything about it. At the end of my whining and complaining I know the work has to be done. The work will not get done by itself. I know, that my lawn has to be mowed or if I am a janitor I have to mop the floor and clean the toilet. I will bust my butt to get it done. I will do an excellent job. On the other hand, to show that I love it and to show energy and excitement about it I am being asked to sell my soul. This I cannot do and that is asking too much of me. I'm being expected to be this extraverted, highly energetic salesperson which I am not.



I think it is a major issue. It is a hypothesis I have. I have no proof when it comes to kids but I would love to have it studied more. What are your theories????

What I desire is to be in a job in which all I have to do is do my job and that is it.

I agree that people can misconstrue this advice, but this is far from a major reason for behavior problems.

The vast majority of behavior problems in children, no choice on the kid's part could change that. If they tried to change themselves, they couldn't. That's why they haven't already done it. The vast majority of kids do try to behave as well as they are capable of behaving, but people overestimate their abilities.

Most behavioral problems in kids can be boiled down to a lack of self-control. (Not all, but most.) The frontal lobes, which are responsible for executive functions, are the slowest part of the brain to mature (still developing until the mid-twenties), so even NT children have considerably less control over their actions than NT adults do. This doesn't mean they aren't trying to behave, but it takes more effort for less result. An impulse than an adult can easily push aside is an overwhelming urge for a young child. This naturally means that kids will misbehave, simply because their executive functions aren't fully developed.

One of the most common reasons for clinical behavior problems (often called externalizing disorders) is a delay or malfunction in the development of the executive functions. For example, ADHD essentially boils down pretty much entirely to executive dysfunction, and many ODD kids also have executive dysfunction, particularly in the area of mood regulation. So these kids can try harder to behave and get less result, simply because they have less control over their actions.

So no, most kids aren't misbehaving because they want to 'be themselves'. They're misbehaving because they lack the skills to act differently. This is where adults come in, because executive functions are partly taught as well as biological. Instead of just punishing a kid for something they can't really help, we could teach them strategies, like talking to themselves to stay on task, or distracting themselves from something they shouldn't be doing. (For example, kids who do better on Marshmellow Test often use strategies such as avoiding looking at the marshmellow.)

I see the wisdom in it-- obviously you can't go around doing whatever you want. But I wonder sometimes if we don't take the concept of being one's best self too darn far.

It is not reasonable to expect anyone to be their best all the time. My father-in-law is jerky. In his own damn home, he can let his hair down and be jerky and you just have to live with it-- it is, after all, his home. My dad had a tendency to run on at the mouth. In his own damn home, he could talk all he wanted, and be as opinionated as he wanted, and that was his right. I am shy. Sometimes I have all I can do just getting through my day-- passing the time of day with a neighbor just isn't something I want to do.

Not saying you can let down the side and go about acting just how you feel all the time. But-- Isn't propagating the idea that we should all be on our best behavior all the time kind of pathological?? I mean, if that's the way it is, I think I'm going to go live under a rock somewhere where I can at least relax. I'll only come out when I feel up to being sunny and well-spoken and patient and wonderful.

Yuck. I'd rather suffer the pricks.

I see what you are saying Ettina. I wouldn't have thought of that. I do agree it is a major factor. What I said is just a hypothesis. It is what I believe to be true but it may turn out that I am wrong. I would love to see tests done to see if kids especially teens are misconstruing this advice. I believe I may have misconstrued it myself as a teen and as an adult. I want to see if others have done the same thing and actually test this hypothesis. If I am right I may have another piece of the puzzle and this would mean what other pieces of advice are they misconstruing? If I am wrong, then it is localized to me because my aspieness is severe. I would love to see a study done.

I am going to agree with the executive functions and impulse control problems as the major reason for behavioral issues, based on what I have observed. That does not mean people could not misconstrue being oneself, though. I would know not to say that to my son as he would be confused by that. No one else would say it to him either.

I think, when it comes up, I would say something more like be true to the essence of who you are, instead. I would never imply there is not a difference between one's public and private selves. You can be true to your core self, but still compromise, which is what people need to do to get along in any society.

More than likely you're right. You and others have observed more kids than I have and you're a mother so you may have more experience. I may be inadvertently projecting my own issues.

I am going to try to do something unique. I am going to accept what you say as true and axiomatic. I am going to accept that there are proper behaviors we all need to display and within the realm of these proper behaviors and the realm of morality I can be true to myself.

Am I truthfully just over-thinking this stuff? Why do I have such issues with over-thinking?

I need choose to accept some things as axiomatic or based upon faith. I will just have to have faith that certain things are true. Is this a good way to go so I can wrap my mind around certain things such as this?

Cubedemon, interesting questions but I feel like writing out responses would take me more time than I can afford right now ... the thoughts aren't that organized.

I'm sorry DW_a_mom for my disorganized thoughts. This is a symptom of my over-thinking. The truth is I am an over-thinker. I am trying to work on it but it is very difficult at times. http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/overthink

For me, I have difficulty trying to compartmentalize things in my thoughts and prioritizing my thoughts. For me, what can happen is everything can have relevance, everything associates together in some way, and everything has priority. My mother is not on the spectrum but has issues with this as well.

I don't believe it is schizophrenia or schitzo-affective disorder. I believe this condition I may have may be comorbid with my ASD. For me, I see many possible combinations of different things but I have difficulty obtaining the correct combinations if you understand what I am saying.

Oh dear, sorry, I did not mean to be critical of how you've expressed YOUR thoughts, I meant to say that MY thoughts were not organized well enough on the topic to write them down within a reasonable time frame.

And I totally understand what you are saying. I can have that with certain topics; other times things come together and narrow down to the core with lightening speed. Thinking a little differently can be a gift, for there are times it gets you to an answer no one else sees yet.