Correcting People on Things

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Why is it inappropriate to correct people on things especially if it will save them grief and money?

For example, my NT SO drove her vehicle to her class. She was required to pay for parking and she did pay for parking. She still got a boot on her vehicle. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wheel_clamp

In the security guard's opinion he could not see the ticket. My wife was upset about this boot and considered it unreasonable. On a quick glance I can see how it may seem that way. The rules on the ticket says the ticket has to be placed on the dashboard where it is visibly seen.

This means when the security guard walks to a person's vehicle he has to be able to see this ticket as clear as day on a quick glance.

I encountered this when I went to high school but never received a boot but a warning. I took time to examine why I was given the warning when I clearly had the parking sticker. By the way, the instructions for placing my sticker was on the upper right corner of my windshield. In addition, this part of my windshield was tinted. I realized what I did wrong. I made the assumption the security guard would examine and look closely for my sticker. My assumption was wrong when I read the rules. He had to be able to see it on a quick glance.

To correct this problem, I took the sticker off and moved it down a bit off of the tinted part. The problem was resolved and no other incidents occurred.

She thought the security guard was unreasonable. When I am with her or by myself I make sure I can see the ticket on a quick glance. She gets annoyed and says that I keep double checking her. She always accuses me of this. I explained to her that the ticket has to be visibly seen and can't just be flopped down in any way. I explained that this ticket has to be glaringly obvious when anyone passes by who can see it and it has to be rotated in a way that one can read the lettering on the ticket when one peeks down from the front of the car.

If I was there to double check it or if she took the extra few seconds to check to make sure it fit the criteria I stated we wouldn't have had to pay $50 bucks. Why is my rationale wrong? What did I do wrong? Is there a better way to approach this as to not hurt her feelings and not have to pay $50 bucks?

You are 100% correct. Sometimes people just have a hard time admitting that they are wrong. It seems easier to blame someone else, in your SO's case the security guard, than to take responsibility for one's own actions. My DH has gotten irritated with me on occasion over similar situations. I try not to take it personally and just go on. If it is something I can take over doing so the negative consequences, like paying a $50 parking ticket when you have in fact paid for parking, don't occur again, I try to do it myself rather than convince him he should modify his behavior.

Some people prefer to be unreasonable, instead of thinking there must be a reasonable explanation.

I think it's reasonable to double check the ticket positioning to avoid having to pay unecessarily. However, your SO clearly feels you're double checking on her all the time. So maybe this is less to do with the ticket and more to do with how you're making her feel. Ask her.

I remember reading a quote from somewhere .. maybe even here .. and loved it:
"Always assume people have the best intentions, particularly if you don't know them well."

Ok, I "quoted" but I'm not sure if I have the exact wording. I still love the message.

I think it often has a lot to do with how you are correcting someone, stuff like tone and body language, so it's no wonder we have trouble doing it. I usually try to avoid correcting people and just let them be wrong, but in situations like the one you describe I would probably try.

I find it's best to start by saying something like "I'm not sure, but I think..." and then correcting them. This makes it seem I'm less confident I'm right. You would think this makes them less inclined to listen to me, but I have found the opposite. I think that because it sounds less like 'I'm right and you're wrong' or 'I'm smarter than you' people don't have the same emotional reaction, and are more likely to actually listen to what I'm saying.

I would also never explicitly say that they are wrong, for example:
"I'm not sure, but I think that you have put your parking ticket in the wrong spot. It needs to be over here so the guard can see it easily"
Here the italic section is unnecessary, you can reread the example without it and it still makes perfect sense. It only really serves to make the correction seem more personal. I try and mention the person I'm correcting as little as possible. Make it not about them but about the ticket.

Basically you want their first thought to instinctively be "Is the ticket more visible over there?" and not "He thinks I am wrong".

Another idea might be to briefly mention the story about your warning, maybe even embellish the details, if you are comfortable with that. Something like "I put my ticket there once and this really anal guard said it wasn't visible enough and gave me a ticket.": it's short, you exaggerate the warning into a ticket to make it seem more serious, and giving the guard a negative adjective (anal, cruel, rude etc.) sets them up in the persons mind as 'the bad guy', giving them someone else to blame.

Also make sure to avoid over-correcting. In this case, with $50 at risk, you are right to try and correct, but if the issue is small and nit-picky with nothing really at stake it's probably better for your relationship to let them be wrong.

This is what I get from 10 years of hyper-analysing everything I say.

Is he the one who flops the parking ticket down or is he the one who takes time to examine it to make sure it is visibly seen? For me, this is what I deduced when I was in High school. There was only one security guard at the time and he had to look at 50 or more other cars. In order to do it in the most efficient way possible he can only glance and he can't examine carefully.

Let's say it takes one second to glance at each car and let's say it takes 5 seconds to examine each car closely. One has to factor in how much time it takes to move from one car to another as well. Let's say that takes 2 seconds. One has to add all this up to determine the total time It takes to do either scenario. The time it takes for him to move from car to car is what is called quanta. When I read the rules to the parking sticker and I was able to think through the reasoning of why it was done this way it made sense.

I was able to take responsibility and move the sticker to where it was visibly seen. It was clear to me that I was in the wrong. In addition, I was grateful I received only a warning and I or my parents did not have to pay anything.

For taking responsibility for my actions, I can do that when I know where I went wrong and the rationale for it like this scenario. If I do not know what I did or what the rationale behind why what I did was wrong then I have major issues with taking responsibility for my actions. If I am able to figure out the rationale or walked through it in a non-condescending manner then I can connect the dots and I can take responsibility. Do you understand what I am saying?

I understand what you're saying. My opinion and view is different. I am more inclined to be a defensive pessimist. http://defensivepessimism.com/ I am also a believer in Murphy's law and Swartz's law. For me it is difficult for me to understand why must one look on the bright side when certain things that can go wrong are obvious. IMHO, why wouldn't one attempt to mitigate them?

I have another quote I go by more which is "the road to hell is paved with good intentions."

We should open a T-shirt business!



We all have our own point of views and it's respectful to be mindful about the feelings of others. It's ok to voice your concerns but if your SO is feeling .. defeated? .. you may want to hold back on some of that. After all, we don't need to express ALL of our self-righteous opinions - particularly if they are negative.

A step forward may be to acknowledge your SO's feelings around this. Tell her you didn't realize you were making her feel bad and that you'll try and "bite your tongue". She may just want you to validate her feelings, as they are valid to her.

The key it seems, is to be somewhere in between these to statements. To be a balance person is very hard to master.

I appreciate what Ellingtonia had to say.

Maybe you're right. I will have to think about this one.

Yeah, you're right. I have become better about this and have learned to just shut my mouth. Besides there is a positive to it and that is my blood pressure does not go up

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Sorry, I wasn't very clear, I meant you were right in the situation with your SO in checking to be sure the parking stub was in plain sight for the guard to see and that your SO was the one not taking responsibility.

Correcting people is not wrong. Some people can't handle it, because (some weird social-emotional reasons here).

When my father was a child, his teachers went to his house to ask his parents to stop him from correcting them in class, and the response they got was like if you dont' want to be corrected in class, then you should say the correct things to begin with.

Some people are more particular and some people are more laid back. It is a spectrum. People who are more particular can't understand why laid back people are not careful enough, and laid back people think more particular people are way too picky and worried about things. More particular people get upset when things need to be redone or there is a fine or some other consequence when it could have been avoided by paying attention and being more particular. Laid back people find it incredibly annoying to be nagged about being more particular and really hate hearing "I told you so" or versions thereof. They often blame getting in trouble for others being too particular, too.

People who are not the same in this way have to come up with some kind of detente in order to live together peacefully. Particular people who live with laid back people have to accept a certain amount of late fees/fines etc. and when possible probably need to take care of some of that kind of stuff rather than nag the other person or complain excessively. On the flip side, the laid back person has to realize that it is hard to keep quiet all the time and sometimes (especially when it is is something that the particular person cannot do because he/she is not there or some other reason) their will be recriminations, frustration and a certain amount of "I told you so" made out of frustration.