Letting go of toys, stuffed animals, or any other possession

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My daughter is an almost-8-year-old Aspie. She considers all of her stuffed animals to be her friends, complete with thoughts and feelings. I believe she thinks this of most toys or other objects that have been given to her. As a result, she cannot get rid of ANYTHING. It borders on hoarding, as she also keeps packages and tags from favorite toys or clothing. This weekend I was setting aside some household stuff to donate or sell, and she noticed some of her stuffed animals in there that she hadn't seen or played with in over a year. Tears and panic ensued.

Has anyone else encountered this inability to let go or get rid of anything? If so... any suggestions? Her bedroom is an absolute disaster, and I occasionally sneak in there with a garbage bag while she's at school. Her iPod is old and it's getting difficult to load new games, so we said this spring we'd buy another. We also told her we plan to donate the old one. This resulted in a major meltdown.

Help! Will she ever be able to willingly get rid of anything?

I am 38 - I am sitting in the middle of clutter right now that I put out with the intention of ridding it in some way. It has sat there almost 6 months now. Sure I move it about now and again - but it takes a ton of time to finally take it out. I need to get ready in my own time - in my own way.

I can't be rushed or there is a not so pretty sight to be seen. I remember the most tragic thing I encountered on two separate occasions when growing up. Coming home from school and all my stuff was gone. Another time I came home from visiting my Gramma and my mom painted my room and my drawers and everything as a surprise. She thought I would love it.

Never mess with an Aspie's belongings or personal space. Not unless they get on board with it. Forgiveness is hard in the coming and grudges can last a lifetime. At least in this aspie's case.

I hate getting rid of things I got used to. I drive my cars until repairing them is complete senseless, I cried when my father wanted to sell my old Vespa roller as teenager to buy a new one instead, I still drive the same bike since 20 years...

When it comes to my stuff animals, I think I got them until around 15. I never played these role play games with them, still I liked them. Around that time I needed more and more place for other interestst I started. I still got my favorite stuff animals, but the others I gifted to other kids of our family in rumania. That they "lived" on to make other kids happy, made it a lot easier for me. So they were not gone or garbagem, they just moved to someone who had more time to appreciate them, then I had.

And the LEGO Millenium Falcon from around 1998 is still standing above my TV. ^^ And yes, its still complete, and no, I dont sell it.

I agree.
I even remember being in kindergarden at this time and my mom put my pacifier away!
It was the last time I had one and I kept looking for it for weeks!

I wasn't a messy as a child, I even cleaned everything up before leaving the house, but I had also troubly with my stuffed animals. My mom toled me later that she used to buy them twice and changed them occationally that I wouldn't notice it so that I could have them longer. Well it worked being a little child.

As an autistic person I know:
NEVER even cross a certain line when messing with an autistic person.
There will be NO real way back!

If she is having real trouble with this (how it sounds like this is the case) I would consider therapy, that she learns to deal with it at least better.

Yes my DD5 is the same, I did a clear out of toys she never played with a few years ago (before we had any idea about ASD), she was grieving for weeks and is still angry at me about it! Even giving all the explanations of how it went to charity and another little girl whose mummy and daddy may not have much money will buy it and she will love it etc, still wasnt happy about parting with them!

However I have just done another huge declutter and got rid of both my daughters things they have grown out of or dont use anymore and she didnt seem so bothered this time. We bought a new shelving unit and sorted everythign they own out. Its the best thing we have ever done, we have our living room back, no toys in it now! The dining room is now a fab new play room and the newness of it seems to have taken away soem of the pain of the declutter. Its distracted her from what shes missing. Also I think now she has found a new obsession with computer games shes less interested inthe world around her :/ Not ideal but its meant we have our house back. It also extends to my iphone, ipad and her tablet, theres so many games and in-app photos I have to delete loads of stuff to get new stuff, but she gets upset if I delete a game she no longer plays. I have emails saying my icloud is full and cannot backup! She wants new games all the time and begs and begs but wont let me delete old ones. Once a new game is downloaded it is no longer new and she wants another new games. She dreams about these games and thinks about them all the time, we try to limit it but she craves it so much it almost seems cruel. Its the first thing she says to me in the morning and after school "can I play on your phone", but at the same time its the only thing that keeps her quiet, she seems to stim less and relax when shes playing these games.

Also she has very long hair, over a year ago we had it trimmed and she still goes on about how that was the bit of hair she had when she was born and she wants it back!! Will be cutting her hair when she sleeps from now on lol!

Last edited by ConfusedNewb on 28 Jan 2013, 4:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I've not found the answer yet. My daughter is 7yrs and will not part with anything at all. She becomes immediately attached to all sorts of things, and personifies them, calling them 'That wee fella', etc. It seems to be very common. She's actually a very kind girl, but telling her that more needy children would get more use out of them has no effect on her.

Thank you for sharing your stories! Despite the never ending mess, it is comforting to know that this is not uncommon. I agree that she does not forget -anything- even from when she was three years old. But she is also incredibly loving and forgiving, and for that I am thankful. If she gets upset over something we've done, she will tell us (or melt down), but then move on and be fine. She won't forget, but there are no grudges. At least not that she's ever shown.

As we clean the house or her room, we often have to remind ourselves that an old box may seem like garbage to us, but to her it's her stuffed dog's bed. And throwing it out would be equally as devastating as if we had thrown out her own bed. When the mess in her room gets to be hazardous and she refuses to clean it herself, sometimes we just have to do it, but for the most part we try to remind ourselves that she has an emotional connection to just about everything, and everything has value. She's our little Buddhist.

Why are you forcing her to get rid of toys? I didn't start donating my old toys to charity till I was in high school, if I remember correctly.

Of course, I agree that packaging, tags, etc need to go.

Yes I have to be careful about things that are genuinely rubbish, she wants to keep wrappers and stickers. You could keep a scrap book of sweet wrappers, cards, scraps of wrapping paper or anything like that she really wants to keep!

My DD5 will also refuse to eat chocolates shaped like easter bunnies or anything thats "too cute to eat" lol, shes adorable, she will sit there stroking it and talking to it until it melts and she might aswell eat it!

Confused Newb, your daughter sounds a lot like mine. The first thing out of her mouth when she gets off the bus is "Can I have my iPod?" Same thing when she wakes up in the morning. Obsessed! And the food... Oh my! I don't know how many times she'll be eating a meal and all of a sudden a bite of something is too cute to eat. She'll even name it. We've explained to her many times that food is for eating. If we don't eat it, it rots. The cute bite of whatever would be much happier in her belly than left out to rot, even if it is candy! She seems okay once we tell her it will go bad otherwise.

To clarify, we don't make her get rid of her toys. I've set some aside that aren't used anymore (with the intention of getting rid of them), and as soon as she notices, I am "bad mom." So back in her room they go. The wrappers and boxes and scraps of yuck all over her room though... That's what I will clear out now and then if she won't do it herself. It's truly filthy. I have to. The folder for keeping her tags and papers in is a great idea, but I know she wouldn't use it. She has no organizational skills at all, and doesn't see the value in keeping things clean or put away. So, sometimes we need to step in. I try to lead by example ("Out with the old, in with the new" or donating to those less fortunate) but she can't do it, and I try to be understanding of that.

I can honestly say though, the clutter was getting me down more than I knew, now the house is tidy its clean too. Before we de-cluttered I couldnt clean properly so I was just ashamed of the house, couldnt even have people over. I have worked hard to get rid of the clutter and sort everything out and its such a relief. I suffer with depression so it was starting to snowball, it was too much to face so I kept putting it off. Once I did it I felt a lot better and the house has actually stayed clean and tidy, if some one popped in without telling me I could actually invite them in now! Its nice to come home to a clean house and be able to sit down and relax. Her room is still a mess but thats hers, I will clean and de-clutter it if she lets me but she wont.

When I sorted all the stuff I found so much rubbish, she loves envelopes so she wants to keep them all, bits of broken old crayons from restaurants, sweet wrappers, old cards, drawings that are just scribbles but she wants to keep anyway.

I find when she makes something, ie piling stuff up into a tower, she wont let me tidy it up unless I take a photo! Then she allows me to put the toys back in their boxes.

I think kids these days get more stuff, having just had both my daughters birthdays in October, then Christmas with presents from school friends and our large families we have so much more things than I ever had when I was her age. We dont buy that much stuff as we know she will get lots from family, its hard to explain to family that we have enough toys already so the only thing to do is get rid of stuff before birthdays and Christmas to make space for it.

We have a couple techniques that have worked quite well for this. The most important part of them is that the child be the one in control of their own environment and belongings though. They will most certainly melt down and act out in an escalating manner if someone keeps stealing their things (if I sneak into your room and steal you antique jewelry you never wear because it's so valuable...would you getting upset really be considered "having trouble letting things go"???) ... and is actively keeping them from learning how to manage their items in a reasonable manner (you know, by cleaning their room for them, or going in and moving their things without their knowledge or permission, or just refusing to treat them and their space with any dignity or respect) .

1) For the sheer number of toys and books and THINGS. At certain, pre-determined times, we have a massive purge. It was monthly when they were little. They had lots of warning. We reminded them often. A week before, two days before, a day before, a few hours before, a few minutes before. We discussed it often and addressed their concerns, and reassured them they would be in complete control of what was given/thrown away and what was kept. We answered the same questions repeatedly if they needed us to. We started with this method. We would pull out every single toy, stuffed animal, etc. they owned into the living room. All the shelves and drawers get cleaned at this point. Then, we would go through their items. For every 2 items they kept, they had to choose 1 item to give up. Very concrete and tangible. The child physically chooses the item to give up and places it in a box. Once they've "paid" for their 2, they choose the 2 items and go put them away. If they choose to give up tiny accessories to keep larger items, fine. We're going to keep repeating this process monthly until the room is well organized.

2) For the general hoarding. Everything in their room has a specific, LABELED place. And every shelf or drawer is clearly labeled as to what belongs there. The children decided how they wanted things organized. I made labels and afixed them, then just followed through on reminding them when I noticed something out of place. This includes a place for general hoarding. We started out with a big cardboard box in the closet. They could put whatever they wanted in their boxes. Once per month, we'd go through the items in the box and they would put them where they belonged. It's important not to let this become overwhelming. The child chooses a single item from the box. Then you instruct them to ask themselves, "where does this item belong". (You're teaching them to think for themselves this way, not just do what you tell them. This is how you teach your child the skills they need to be a functional adult, and it should be applied to every aspect of their lives) Sometimes they'll get it, sometimes they will need you to tell them or help them decide a place it should belong. For things like clothing tags, ask "what is the purpose of keeping this?" "What are you planning to use it for?" A lot of the reason we hold onto things is that we are unsure about the item. We might need it again in the future. We aren't sure where it belongs. Since that item triggers a specific emotion (like feeling loved because someone gave it to you), it feels like we're throwing that emotion away to discard the item. We need to use concrete thinking to our advantage, not let it hold us back....and it is our parents' job to teach us how.

My kids are much older now. They each have a "junk drawer" in their dresser, and keep their rooms incredibly neat and organized. It took them years of practice to learn the habits needed for this. I never really learned these habits myself, because I was raised by an NT. Nothing really had a specific place, and rules were flexible depending on her whim. Pretty typical NT lifestyle, you know? Tell me to clean my room but became overwhelmed and frustrated at the idea of ever actually telling me what tasks were actually expected of me. If telling me tasks you already know is frustrating, can you imagine how unreasonable it is to expect me to both know what they are AND accomplish them without any direction?

Can you put her special "throw aways" into a special "bin"? If she's anything like my son, out-of-site-out-of-mind, it may just do the trick. Gradually, you can just remove items until she gets the hang of removing them herself.

My daughter once gave me a drawing she had done and said "you can put i in that special box where all my drawings go".... pointing to the recycling bin She does hundreds of drawings and we just cant keep them all, I take photos of the really good ones and keep them on my computer and we have a folder full of drawings that we have kept but the ones that are just scribbles have to go in the bin. Just broke my heart a little when she said that lol. So in a way we do have a "special" bin!

Hate to derail the thread here but I'm wondering how your kids kept accumulating so much stuff that you needed to do this.

If we keep taking things into our home and never take anything out again, things will rapidly accumulate. Children receive presents, get handed colouring books in restaurants, go to fun days and make stuff and bring art & crafts home from school. Some children, especially those on the spectrum, pick up stones, shells and sticks and put them in their pockets. Even if we don't actually buy anything for our children, stuff will manage to get into their rooms. When you have a child who won't allow anything to be thrown out or handed into charity shops (including toys that are only suitable for babies/toddlers), then there comes a time when it's a problem.

Parents also want their children to have age appropriate toys and books. It's not right that our kids should be playing with rattles, just because they already have too much. So, we will buy things for our children, in the hope that they'll no longer want that 20 piece jigsaw or that padded picture book. Unfortunately, although they never play with the jigsaw or book, they still want to keep them, along with everything else that has ever entered their room. My daughter received much fewer toys than her peers at Christmas, but her room is full of things she's too old for, never plays with and never has, but still wants to keep forever.