Devastated about teacher at school being a bully

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My son, age 6, and under evaluation at the moment for high functioning autism and speech disorder (no diagnosis yet) is really struggling on many levels.

He has never been a violent child, and I have never had a teacher tell me he hits other kids (never at kindergarten and never at school). Until today.

When I picked him up one of the extra teachers told me he really hurt another child today and made her cry and that I really need to know he hits other children every day. I was very surprised and my first reaction was to ask him in front of her and to tell him it´s never ok to hit anyone under any circumstance.
The teacher went on to tell me everything she dislikes about him, INFRONT of him and other kids. I was so shocked. Then she told me other kids tell her they dont like him... And he is bad at math and bad at speaking etc.
She said "he shouldn´t be here, you should put him in a special school".

Now, I meet his usual teachers regularly and this is all new to me. Obviously yes I know he has issues, and we are working on that getting the evaluation and the school is working on a "support plan".

She also told me about another child, naming him, saying he is much worse to the point of it being "worrying and scary". I think thats even against Swedish Law - she can´t talk to me about another child like that I think :S I´m thinking of telling that child´s parents cos I would want to know if she talks about my child to other parents.

Sorry about the rant, but I am still in shock. I think telling me about how bad he is in everyway infront of him and other children is cruel and immoral and unprofessional, no?

That teacher needs some form of dicipline.
I would send a letter, starting with your post here and filling in all the details.
Send copies to the main teacher, principal, director, whoever's in charge.
Include specific issues she mentioned about both kids, and which specific kids were present to overhear.
Did she non-verbally look to the other kids for corroboration? Did they nod or react in any way?
And maybe send a shorter version to that other parent? (who doesn't need too many personal details about your kid.)

Yes I'm trying to write up an email now.

No she didn't look at the other kids but she certainly didn't try to make the conversation private.

I feel like this is child abuse, my son is struggling already socially, trying hard to fit in and failing completely. His selfesteem will be crushed

I´m taking him with me to work tomorrow, I don´t want him near that "lady".

Don't do it by e-mail. A neatly done type-written letter on physical paper and mailed through the post will generally command more attention.

At best, you might follow it up by e-mail. But the initial complaint almost surely needs to be written out and mailed, not e-mailed.

To me, e-mail would mean that you do not consider it to be a big enough issue to go to the trouble of doing it properly.

Woah thats awful, no wonder you are in shock, really sorry to hear it. I think you are doing the right thing by not sending him in tomorrow, the poor boy is going ot be feeling awful This is seriously going to make things difficult when he does have to go back, seeing the teachers and other kids, feeling like they dont like him. I think I would seriously think about home schooling or changing schools.

I really hope you can sort this out, let us know what happens x

One thing do in the letter is to try to schedule a time when you can meet with all parties together in person.

Ah yes thats true Eric, I need to demand a meeting between all parties.

Ah yes thats true Eric, I need to demand a meeting between all parties.

that is very unprofessional, you should get in contact with her superiors

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That is deplorable. I don't know if it is the right thing to do or not, but I would call the parent of the other kid and I would lodge a complaint together.

If you send anything through the mail, send it via a trackable system. I don't know what you have in Sweden, but it would be very easy for them to claim they never got it. That is one benefit of email is it is readily traceable.

I would be so livid I don't even know if I would be able to handle this appropriately, and I am generally a calm person. I am so sorry

Do both. E-mail means that any replies will be sent via email and you will have a copy on your computer. Keep copies of everything.

Believe it or not, I witnessed just such an interaction on the playground when I was picking up a friend's child...I didn't know the kid or the parent, but I immediately wrote to the principal that at the very least the discussion should not have been conducted in a public place (and I did mention I also disliked the blaming language used by the teacher.) I didn't know the teachers or the child, only the doorway, but the principal immediately wrote back that she would find out who it was and that she would be meeting with them right away.

So, something else I would do: bring a witness with you to pick up your child. If you know any of the parents of the other children, ask them to stand within earshot when you are picking up your child, and if they hear anything inappropriate, ask them to email the principal. If you don't know other parents, see if you can find someone who is not related to you to come with you to pick him up.

First, I am sorry. No child or parent should be subjected to such epic failure on the part of a teacher to act like a human being. I am horrified for you and your child.

I dealt with something similar. My daughter has AS, and is absolutely the kindest, most loving child in the world. She does have issues with being a bit hyper when there is a lot of noise and/or movement going on, and she does get easily distracted (to the point of walking into walls and tripping over her own feet). It's no surprise that gym class was a bit of a challenge for her, but she still enjoyed it. That is, except for the gym teacher, who was as much a bully as some of the kids. She told me that my daughter had shoved another child. The real story, per other kids in the class, was that my daughter (who is quite fiercely defensive of rules) got very vocal about a couple of kids not being in line as they were supposed to be. There was no shoving. Her classroom teacher even came to the meeting I requested. The gym teacher, on the other hand, was a no-show. I demanded another meeting and became quite unpopular. I did not care.

My son just turned 7. He is diagnosed with autism and a speech disorder, since age 2. He struggles with speech, especially when upset or stressed. His diagnosis is expressive/receptive speech disorder. It is similar in ways to apraxia, but not exactly the same. I think your story hits me especially hard because our boys are close in age and have similar issues, and situations like this are precisely what worried me most. He deserves better, and you deserve better. That woman should be reprimanded. It makes me sick. It makes me want to cry.

I homeschool now. I realize that not everyone can, and I'm grateful I have the chance to. Both of my children love it. Is this something that could work for you? K12 is AMAZING. Both of my kids are 1-2 years ahead of their peers, and there are lots of opportunities to do various school-related outings.

Anyway, I digress. Please, contact the school district about that woman. Her behavior is disgusting and entirely unacceptable. Let your kiddo know that it is the teacher who has the problem, not him. CC *everything* you send. If you send a letter to the teacher, CC it to the principal and the director of the school board. Make sure the CC is obvious! Let them know you're not effing around. Seriously. Kids being treated horribly irks me like nothing else.

Check back in and let us know how it goes? Sending good thoughts!

On the other hand...
A child that age, especially an Aspie, would probably not think about it too much. The mom is probably more consciously upset than the kid. That doesn't mean there will be no damage, but I doubt it will be conscious or understood. I would tell him in simple language that the teacher was wrong and that I'm telling the principal, without making a big deal out of it. If he's not upset, I'd let him move on. Just knowing that Momma Bear is looking out for him might be enough. The details of what the adults do when he's not around is another story.

Happy turn of events:
I had a meeting this morning with the main teacher and with the principal. They were crystal clear about this other teacher's behaviour being inapropriate and actually illegal.
She is out of a job as of today

I'm so glad they handled this well.

Thats great.... well not for the teacher, but they should have thought of that before they acted so inappropriately!
Im impressed they acted so quickly and in your favour, they could have sided with the teacher and tried to push you out, would have been easier than recruiting a new teacher.

Hope your son is ok about going back to school and its not been too much of a set back.

Last edited by ConfusedNewb on 05 Feb 2013, 7:46 am, edited 2 times in total.

While in general I am opposed to people losing their jobs, this woman CLEARLY had the wrong job to begin with so it's a good thing she now has an opportunity to find a more suitable one!

That must be a huge relief!