7 year-old son w/no frustration tolerance

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Every day lately, I find myself thinking 'thank goodness I can homeschool my 7 year-old son because I would be getting calls daily'. The screaming, the rages, the zero patience/no frustration tolerance, the self-centered thinking, the way he interprets everything as being so against him, UGH. And when we call him out on his behavior, he doesn't consider the behavior - ALL he can or will focus on is how WE are "annoying" him by discussing it. He cannot be talked to, as he views it as just another affront. He does not see our desires to help him, he can only take it as something which further annoys him. I get that this is a genuine issue, but this is really wearing me down. And it's wearing my daughter (9) down.

Don't get me wrong, I adore my son. He is a sweet little boy who loves cats and math, makes me heart shapes out of everything he can on a daily basis, and is the world's best snuggle buddy. He asked for birthday money so he could give it to the ASPCA. He's a good kid, but he's starting to throw things at and smack his sister when he is angry. He has always been prone to hurting himself when angry, mostly head banging and slapping. I hold him when he starts and that stops it right away. Hitting others is new. He needs to change something. How do I help him?

I wish I had brilliant advice for you. But I can only tell you what works for me.

I get the being annoyed by discussing it thing - big time. However, if you let him decompress in a room by himself for a bit, then discuss it - I think you would find better results when he is out of the angry mind frame. At least, that is how it works for me. I can be totally in that aggressive irritable intolerant mood and all I have to do is be by myself a while (sometimes longer than others) and I can then be reasonable later to talk.

Also, if I can not have someone in my line of sight while talking about emotional issues (anger, sadness... any emotion). I find this true with my daughter too. When I had a big talk with my daughter recently she sat with her back to me. I knew she was listening by how she was holding her head. When I get upset I tend to get more aggressive and upset if someone is in my vision. I know that sounds weird...

Not sure what to say about the other things you talk about in your post, has been one of those days I am very glad is over... so I will stick to what I have listed so far and bid you good night

I think you might be onto something with your suggestion about not being in his line of sight. He does NOT like being looked at unless he's chosen to look at someone else, or he's being praised. I'm going to try this. Thank you for taking the time to reply. I hope your tomorrow is better than today.

I am glad I could help )

Thank you - today is a better day

Aw he sounds lovely giving birthday money to charity That explains your awesome profile pic! Love it.

Its hard when it affects other siblings, I have two girls ones 5 and possibly on the spectrum, the other is semmingly NT for now but is only 1. They dont interact much, the little one is desperate to be with her sister but its never going to happen, she has very little interest in her and prefers to be alone. They bicker (yes the 1yo can bicker lol!) all the time and I try to keep them occupied inseperate rooms when I can to keep them both happy. When DD5 is in the mood I will organise a "play date" and set up a gaome they can both enjoy and will sit and mediate so they can play together nicely. Our dining room and living room are like two seperate play rooms. sp they both have a space to escape to.

Its possible that if this behaviour is new, it might fade in time. I hope you find a solution

That actually reminds me...a friend of mine has an autistic son and he kept on forcefully pushing her face whenever she was redirecting him. She tried redirecting him while turning her face away from him and he was much more responsive and stopped pushing her face.

Sounds like my daughter. She has a VERY hard time discussing her behavior and if she does discuss it, she justifies everything and is SUPER POed that I don't understand how right she is and that everyone else is wrong and unfair. Now that you mention it, I have infinitely better luck with these discussions if 1) I can get her to be quiet and ACTUALLY listen to me and 2) let her stare at the wall.

With my DS shame seems to be a big issue. He doesn't want to talk about it when he has hit a classmate or something like that and it really seems that he is ashamed but it often comes across as grumpy and irritable. So, I try not to "call him out" on his behavior because that just makes it worse. We try to find ways to make it up to people or otherwise try to repair the situation. It isn't always possible to get him to just straight up apologize. Remember that ASD is a developmental delay so while your son is chronologically 7, he is socially and emotionally more like 4 or 5 and self-centered behavior is not uncommon among kids that age. Try to pinpoint what activities cause him the most frustration and see if you can find a way to modify them so they are more appealing. Try to balance non-preferred and preferred activities throughout the day so he gets a chance to let go of the frustration that builds up during those non-preferred activities. Does he have a regular schedule? Do you have it in a visual format? Now that my DS has a really good visual schedule at school, he is doing tons better. Having that to refer to reduces his stress because he knows what to expect and he can see when he will have to do something that he really doesn't like that much AND he sees that he will get a chance to do things he likes.