Step-Parenting teen with ASD

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Any parents out there? What's your experience been like? The step parent in our house is struggling with boundaries.

Anyone?

Perhaps your question is too vague? Or there are no step parents online?

I hate when people don't get responses. I always want to respond, but in this case I am completely unqualified. Sorry.

Knowing how to assert herself during the appropriate times.
And
My son not listening to her when she makes a request.

I don't have personal experience other than knowing people who have had step parents, but I am going to step in to ask you some questions to clarify what you wan,t to see if you can get tailored responses.

The step parent in the family is afraid of crossing boundaries and is afraid to parent, is that right?

How old is your child? How is their relationship and how long has the step parent been in the picture? (This will help tailor the advice people give you better)

How does the child react when the step parent attempts to parent? Is there resistance, resentment? Is there anything complicated going on with the other bio parent (if in the picture) that would complicate the relationship, where the child would feel disloyal or just drama that bleeds in?

I hope you don't mind me replying since I'm a brand-new member.

I am a step-parent to two teens, both who are on the spectrum. The oldest is 14 and has Asperger's, ADHD, and ODD. The youngest is autistic and has an intellectual disability. They live with my husband (their father) and me full-time.

My biggest struggle since marrying my husband has been the oldest. She doesn't understand boundaries and has resented me to varying degrees since her father and I started our relationship and got married. Some of that is encouraged by her biological mother, who herself is probably somewhere on the spectrum, some of it is typical of a child in a blended family and some of it is the Asperger's.

My husband was great in explicitly telling her that despite her dislike of my presence, I am an authority figure in our house and she will obey me. We did reach a point where even that wasn't working and that coincided with some other very serious issues with her that lead us to have her placed on a severe emotionally disturbed mental health waiver and a targeted case management program. She now sees a therapist and the therapist and the case manager have also explicitly explained to her that I am an authority figure and she would have to do what I said. It's been a lot of repetition, fighting, meltdowns and me reaching a point that I seriously questioned how much more I could take before I had to consider that this marriage wasn't going to last if something didn't change in how I was treated. Things have gotten better but we still struggle with this issue in our house. We get absolutely zero backing from their mother; she's the "fun" parent and we're the kill-joys.

Hi mstearns,

Of course you can reply!! Welcome aboard.

Your story sounds very much like mine but at a more serious level. Luckily, my son loves his step-parent and they get along very well until "parenting" is issued. I've said much the same thing, that an adult is an adult, regardless of the specifics, and needs to be addressed as such. I'm not sure what severe emotionally disturbed mental health waiver and a targeted case management program is but I'm glad you were able to find "something" for your step-daughter. My son is still "young" (immature) and hope by the time HE's 14, we won't be running into that sort of problem. Big hugs to you! I hope you'll get that relief you need and I can imagine, just judging by some of the hard days WE go through, how hard it must be.

Don't give up!

Does your child listen to every adult? I am not sure that would even be safe, as there are nut job and pedophiles around. That is a tangent, I know, but that is why I don't tell my son to listen to every adult blindly. I have a list of exceptions that I hope he is paying attention too, and it does cloud the waters when trying to teach him to listen to others.

Even though your child was about 8 or so, when the step parent entered the picture and it was 4 years ago, your child probably does not understand that she has to listen to her. It might be that in her mind, just because you bring someone into your life, it should not mean she has double the people to listen to. I know this from people I know who had step-parents and they did resent this. On the plus side if she treats the step like a sister, she at least must like her, which will help. It may be that you have to explain to her -why- you want her to listen to her, in a way that she can relate to.

Like for example, if you have to be somewhere and the step is there, it is important to listen for safety reasons etc, just like she would a babysitter (I am guessing if she listens to all other adults, she does listen to babysitters.) Maybe if she sees it that way it will seem less oppressive. It is hard to have a child look at someone she has only known a portion of her life as an actual parent. Babysitter maybe more comprehensible to her. A deeper feeling that I am sure you want her to develop may just take more time.