8 yr old PDD-NOS son and NT dad don't get along
Our DS was diagnosed with Aspergers at 4 years. 1-2 years later, the dx was changed to PDD-NOS. My husband has always been the best, most hands-on dad! For several years, he saw a lot of our son while he ran his own business; he often had DS with him while I was working. This business went under and DH now has a 9-5 job. This change has been difficult, but, overall a positive one, as we are gradually climbing out of the financial chasm we've been stuck in. Lately DS has been increasingly disrespectful, while DH has become less patient with his behavior. They butt heads constantly; at bedtime, mealtime, during homework....DH handles it by walking away from DS when these conflicts occur. It's almost like my DS is a teenager...but he's only 8! I run interference sometimes, but am concerned that I'm only making things worse and should let them work it out....Any thoughts would be most appreciated!
AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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Joined: 26 Apr 2009
Age: 61
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,665
Location: Houston, Texas
As a person on the spectrum, rules kind of need to be logical and this is not something I can turn on and off. And if an authoritarian answer is given that makes things worse.
What sometimes helps is an explanation like "well, we need a system which works relatively smoothly" or "we all need general predictability in our household" given in a matter-of-fact way (age appropriate of course).
PS I am not a parent. I am a person who lives my life on the spectrum, and I try and help where I can.
This is a tough one, we've struggled with it for years and finally DH is starting to get there - both he and my son have been working very hard, though. Two things helped: I changed how I was dealing with DS, we started having family meetings and creating behavioral contracts, DS became much easier to deal with when I started describing our family as a "team" whose responsibility was to help DS become an independent adult. I talk about pretty much everything through that frame, and it has changed how DS reacts to things.
Second, I've tried to find articles and information that explain to DH where DS is coming from, and just how confused he is. I talk a lot about how DS learns best from modeling, so if he doesn't want DS to yell at him, he has to stop yelling. If a kid copies the behavior of an authoritarian parent, he looks like a disrespectful jerk. I point this out to DH, especially when it is most evident (DS sometimes will say the exact same thing in the exact same way.)