I lost it last night

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I used fear and desperation to motivate my 15 yr old to ask the questions, she has at school when she doesnt understand an instruction by the teacher.
She is very introverted at school and her grades are suffering. I just felt so helpless. A new year and new chance, we went through all the psychology sessions,, all the cbt all last year, we know what to do, and we are back at square one.
The only way, I feel that is left for her is to tell her, if she wants all the things she wants in life, she needs to be able to talk in public. She has no language difficulty, I can't keep her quiet at home.
She wants her drivers license in May this year and a part time job, but if she won't even ride her bike on a very quiet country road with her parents, how can she begin to achieve the other things.
To me it feels obvious to tell her, she wont be able to if she doesn't try. We ended up both crying, I just dont see progress for her right now.
I feel like a crap mum, using desperation, to motivate, but it feels like the only thing left.
I have told her, this year, there is no canteen at all except her 16th birthday unless there is a statement made or question put to a teacher, when she doesnt understand an instruction.
I even went as low as saying if you wont speak in public, all you will be able to do is sweep floors and clean tables at Mc Donalds.
I feel like **** and wont go down this route again.
I need support for my mind in helping her. Please dont go off your head on me. I've already dont that.

I´m just going to send you a big hug. We do the best we can for our children. You seem to be very caring and want the best for your daughter, and your concerns are justified.

Have you thought about making the unpleasant but necessary activities look more appealing with some imagination and entertainment? What does your daughter enjoy doing? Integrate these things into the necessary actions to be carried out.

All of your points are valid. You didn't do it to be cruel. You were honest. You told her the truth and sometimes the truth is ugly like that. Sure, you wish you had done things differently. Maybe there would have been a more effective or kinder way to handle it. But I wouldn't worry. I don't think you scarred her for life. ((hug))

Ugh, I'm so sorry. It is so hard to figure out that line between push and shove, between parenting and doing too much - and just because you feel bad about it isn't really an indicator of whether you went too far or not! It's really, really frustrating.

One thing we tried for my son this year: he got put in a conversational Spanish class and was failing. We had a meeting with his teacher, and told him he had to participate, but that if he was really struggling with talking, he could write down his questions and the teacher would read them for him. He never wound up using the notebook, but decided to participate in class instead. Keep in mind, DS was struggling with a processing issue that he could overcome with a lot of concentration - he wasn't really that anxious.

Has your daughter been tested for selective mutism (is that what the CBT was for?) http://www.asha.org/Publications/leader ... 924ftr.htm

Can she make phone calls? Maybe you can give her a script for making phone calls and have her make some. One of the things that my parents did when I was little was have me make phone calls to argue with the phone company about over charges on the phone bills. I started doing this when I was ten or eleven, and I only started talking when I was eight. I can say that arguing with people about money is really good practice for talking to people in public.

Just this past Sunday we were trying to get daughter to ring her cousin to ask cousin if we could use her photo in a photography assignment for school. She has an even harder time on the phone.
My daughter talks very fast and quietly so the OT said daughter could look up businesses in the phone book and call them and get quotes and this would seem less threatening because these are people you dont need to see again, so anxiety may be minimal, we haven't done this, too scary.
I may bring this up again today and see what comes up. Thanks for this reminder, seems a great idea.

She has been termed with severe introversion, from an integration aide who is desperately trying to get funding from the govt. for her. Daughter doesn't fit the criteria, for Aspergers, but she does have the diagnosis by a professional. Go figure. symptoms need to be termed of a severe nature to get funding.
I read the link you put up, its very interesting, I will read further, but I think I may have to mention this to the psychologist about selective mutism.
My child wont get off the bus at the depot, when I'm waiting to take her to appts. why? because she has to ask the person sitting next to her, 'excuse me, I need to get off' they see her in enough anxiety, they then ask her if she needs to get off. she just wont say it.

I gotta disagree to some point. I understand that you truly believe in the things you say, that you really feel it this way and so on... I had many struggles with my father, who agreed with you in many terms. If everything had gone as he really believed, I would still be at home living with my parents, because I would be unable to live my life alone, because of not being able to live the way others do. I have heard this phrase "But without ... you will not able to live on your own. If you cant act like .... you will not be able to live on your own. .... is necessary, there is no way avoiding it, you will have to learn...." And the worst thing was: I believed this s**t, because as child you trust your parents. So I still trust my parents that they were truly believing this themselfs, but this doesnt make it correct.

So I avoid talking as hell, its exhausting for me, even hurting when I had too much, and I often lack to understand why a person is talking, until I remember myself that most of the time they are only talking to comfort themself without a meaning behind. I have many disadvantages myself because of my unability to enjoy useless talking and I accept these. But one disadvantage that I can ensure, is wrong, is that the only thing I was capable of, was cleaning the floor of McDonalds. There are thousand jobs, in which talking is not essential.

From my oppinion, what you do is horror. Because you as parent take your daughters energy and life out of her, by telling her that she was useless and has no future, because of the things she cant do. Instead of pointing on the things she can do and that could allow her to have a happy life on her own. How do you think, will she be more capable of learning new capabilities? By trying and accepting if something fails or by not trying because "Its useless to learn how to drive a car and practice it....I cant even drive bicycle....everythings useless and I am useless and now I better go home and accept my uselessness instead of trying to practice car driving and see for myself if I can do it or not."

I agree with you: Car driving was horrible for me. I even had a meltdown beside my driving teacher. So I sat there and cried, because it was too much to handle for me in this moment. And when I was done crying, I went on with practicing. And now I am 33, I have driven about 400.000 km including private and my job, and the only accident I created was a minor parking damage. (Ok, an idiot ignoring a red light crashed me one time at a crossing, but idiots ignoring red lights are really not my fault.) But the last thing that I would have needed at that moment with the meltdown in the driving school car, would be someone that I trusted and that had told me before, that I would be a looser anyway, that I will fail anyway, and that everything is senseless anyway. Because instead of going on with practicing I would have gone home if I believed this.

Yes it was cruel, and no it was not the truth. "If you are talking that less, you will have to deal with many big disadvantages in your life, so better prepare for them." This is the truth and there is nothing cruel about it. "If you do not talk you will become a floor cleaner at McDonalds." is definitely no truth (As long as you are not able to see the future.) and is definitely cruel. This is no pushing - pushing means that someone tries to go to his limits. This is kicking to the ground.

If your child is able to handle a car, both of you will only know after she has tried. If it doesnt work. Cant change it. If it works. Good. But instead of wasting your energy to make her agree on the things you think, she cant do, maybe instead try to use your energy to give her energy to try the things she hasnt given up yet. And let the practice decide if she is capable of doing something or not, instead of prophecies. There will be many things, she might have to surrender to her misadvantages. But if she doenst even try any more, she will not find the things she is capable of and maybe even able to master them.

I had similar problems with my parents, until I went to border school and instead of being told all day about what I cannot do, why I cant do it these or that way, or why I have to do things these or that I way, or why I am doomed to be a looser, for the first time I could concentrate freely of: What solutions are there to the misadvantages I endure. How can I solve the problems I have to face, by also accepting the things I dont want to do? And yes, some things may look stupid to others. So if there is an idiot in the supermarket, standing right in the way so noone can pass, i know that its for NTs easier just to talk to that person, so the persons move to the side. But for me its easier turning back, using the floor beside and coming from the other side. And thats ok, I reach my goal this way to pass the person in a way that is comforting me. Thats just an simple example, but it stays for a lot of other things my parents told me, that my life will be s**t, because of me being unable to ..... If you accept that nearly no problems in life has only one solution, you can start thinking of alternative solutions, fitting to you.

If she herself tries to push herself, by wanting to learn new things like car driving, be happy. So you can save yourself energy, for the situations she will be in need of a push.

Make sure that whoever works with her understands that selective mutism is primarily caused by anxiety, and treating the underlying anxiety is important: a speech therapist alone is not sufficient, she will need some kind of a team approach if this, in fact, fits.

I suggest writing a script for your daughter to make phone calls. The fear comes from not knowing what to say, so a script should help take away some of it. The phone calls will deviate from the script, but having some words on paper to begin helps a lot.