teen girls, mean girls.

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My daughter is 13 and she is being picked on by the other girls. I think they are a lot meaner to her than she thinks, because she misses the cues and can't tell if people are being nice and like her or if they are being mean and catty. I told her to stop talking to them. She says they are being nice to her. They gave her a chocolate bar to sit with them. A few weeks ago I was out with her and she was talking to some boys that were teasing her, and she thought they were being nice too.

Last week she showed them a comic she made, when she was 10 or so that she thought was funny about the teacher getting hit by a bus. She had handed that comic in for a creative writting project, it wasn't secret or anything. a few days before that they asked her if she liked anyone in the class, meaning boy/crush, and she said she likes the teacher, not knowing what the meant. They took the comic to the office and told them that my daughter said she was going to kill the teacher for real because she had a crush on her... The school called her into the office to talk with social workers and she is still wound up from it. The teacher used to work with her after school and everything and now she just keeps replying "Go outside." or "Go sit down." My daughter can't tell if the teacher hates her now or if she is not allowed to friendly.. and her heart is broken because the teacher has been her 'person of interest', I guess you would call it. She usually eats lunch with the teacher too and helps her sharpen pencils, sort books, ect. That means her schedule is all thrown off too. I can't do anything about the school because I don't have custody of her, only weekend access. My mom is her guardian and she sucks at dealing with the school and always gives in to what they want. It's so frustrating to me. I would pull her out and let her homeschool with her brother if it was up to me.
So I guess my main question is, what should I tell her, or do to help her? I am glad she is talking to me about it. she isn't talking to my parents about it. I told her teen girls are mean and they will probably always pick at her, and that they may be being 'nice' just to get more things to use against her, and shared a bit of what I had to deal with when I was in school. Is there a way she can get rid of them that I don't know about? I was teased too, but I'd only take so much and I knew they were being mean. she thinks they are laughing 'with' her. She just moved to this school a couple years ago because of teasing at her old school from adults........sigh. What joy is there in doing that to someone? It infuriates me knowing she will always be a target, at least until high school is over.

If your daughter does not mind you talking to your mom, would it be possible to explain things to her, and it it is something you can handle better than her, have you deal with the school? When I was in school, my mom could not handle anything "hard" and so my dad would go up for those things. I know you are not guardian, but I would think since you are her mom, if your mom was also on board the school would have to listen to you. (If you are up to it---I know what a PITA dealing with the school is.) Maybe at the very least you can plant the nugget of homeschooling in your mom's head, just in case that ends up being the best option.

I don't know how to explain "mean girls" (and boys) --- the early teen years are so awful. It took me awhile because I could never get the sarcasm in the fake compliments because I did not understand that I was dressing "uncool" or whatever. I have not seen the "Mean Girls" movie so I do not know if it would be a good illustration for her or not. My brain is not really a good repository of pop cultural things, but maybe if you could find a movie or a good book (depending on her interests in movies and reading) to act as a social story in a way, that would help her. It is hard for a parent to try to explain this because kids are so sure that they know better because they are there and you are not, and sometimes they do not see things for what they are.

I am very sorry, and hope you can help her.

Does the school know about her autism? It might help them understand her a bit better. If they know about her challenges, they may be able to offer ways to help her make friends with other kids. I would also be going to the school and telling them about the bullying-if your mother does not want to do this, would it be possible for you to speak with them?

I think it would be really good for your daughter to get involved in some extracurricular activities outside of school where she can meet other kids and have a chance to socialise without the mean girls. When I was her age, cliquishness and petty gossip never really went away at school, but what made it a lot easier to handle was being involved in things outside of school. That way I knew school wasn't the confines of my whole world, and that there were things I was good at, there were other things and goals in my life, and there were people who enjoyed my company. When you are pursuing your passions and being part of something bigger, the mean girl bitchiness doesn't seem so meaningful.

Bullying should be dealt with seriously, but the more general bitchiness is probably never going to go away. Being involved in other activities can give girls a stronger sense of identity that will help them ignore most of it.

So wait...how come her brother is homeschooled but she's not? You should really push for your mom to consider this especially if even the staff members insist on treating your daughter bad and never taking her side. Plus your daughter seems too gullible to other kids and if things are bad now what if they get worst in high school? Is that a risk really worth taking?

Often for kids who are prone to severe bullying, the adults will often look the other way or tried to find a reason to blame the victim.

I don't think generic advice is going to be pretty helpful here. You gotta get serious with her about the tactics that both teenage girls and boys do as far as bullying before it gets worst. But seriously see if you can get her homeschooled.

How far is she in not knowing? See what you think of this quiz: http://autism.about.com/od/theautismcom ... ullies.htm

Here's a more specific to girls article you might want to print out for her; sometimes it helps to have an outside guide:
http://teenadvice.about.com/od/friends/ ... ng_you.htm
I also like this one: http://www.cobbk12.org/bully/MidHighCCSD.pdf

DS grudgingly really liked the book "Diary of a Social Detective" which is written on a much higher level than most books about social navigation. It won't work for kids in high school (it reads a little bit like Encyclopedia Brown books, but about social issues,) but I think for early teens, it might help. It's pretty boy-based, though (there are a few chapters with girls, but the focus is boys) - you might want to try to find social skills books that deal expressly with girls.

I don't see why you cannot ask to have a meeting with the school to share some insights you have on your daughter that might be useful to them. They should be interested in what you have to say. Even if they don't feel they can share details with you, since you don't have custody, they can accept information.

Meet with them and show them what you wrote here, so that they can understand your daughter better and maybe offer to keep an eye out on the bullying situation. There probably isn't much they can do on the later, but there is a chance they can at least give it a little effort.