Meltdown help--Please!

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My son is 11 years old and displays many symptoms of Asperger's, though we have only begun to research this and do not yet have a diagnosis.

My immediate problem is the meltdowns. They have been going on for years, and actually have gotten worse as time goes on. In fact, I remember thinking the "terrible two's" weren't so terrible at all, and congratulated myself on my superior parenting skills!

Thinking back, it seems like the meltdowns started when we moved to this house, when our son was 5. At the time we thought it was just the move. We moved in March, and by the summer the meltdowns started in earnest. That was when he started screaming how he hated us, he wanted to find a new family to live with, etc.

Then things settled down for a while, but it started up again when he was about 7. At the time I worked with a woman who had 3 boys, and she told me her oldest had been a complete monster at 7, but had grown out of it by the time he turned 11. She told me all the moms she knew had the same experience. So I thought nothing of it.

Again, he did seem to grow out of it. This past Christmas, my husband had an accident and was unable to walk for about a month. My boy stepped up to the plate and helped us out SO MUCH. I was working full time, outside in the cold, and came home exhausted every night. My son (11 years old now) took care of my husband, cooked simple meals (with direction) and did simple housework. We were AMAZED!

And now here we go again. The meltdowns are even worse than before. Besides screaming how much he hates us, he has started breaking things and being cruel to our animals. Yesterday I needed his help with the chickens, and he picked a rooster up by the tail! I think he was in a pre-meltdown stage at that point, but of course I laid into him for it. That REALLY set him off! He screamed and howled for at least 30 minutes. Later, I found a trail of broken stuff all through the house. He has also started threatening suicide.

When my husband got home, we talked about what we are going to try to do to help him (strict schedules, dietary changes, etc) and what is not acceptable behavior (screaming when my husband is trying to sleep, hurting animals, breaking things, violence, verbal abuse and disrespect). We told him frankly that he has to make his very best effort to control his behavior, because we will not always be there to help him. We told him there will be consequences for unacceptable behavior. We told him that if the violent behavior (animal cruelty and destruction of property) continue, he may need hospitalization, and that may generate a psych record that will follow him all his life.

I have noticed that there are 2 big triggers that seem to set him off--small frustrations like having a hard time with math or being told to hurry up, and any kind of travel. While he loves to travel, it is nothing but tears and drama when we are getting ready to go, and again when we get home. There is usually at least one meltdown while we are vacation, as well.

So as you can see, I'm at a loss. How do I prevent these meltdowns? What do I do when he is winding up for one? How do I cope when it is in full swing? And most importantly, what do I do about his increasingly violent behavior while he is in a meltdown?

Thanks everyone.

Oh, honey - except for the types of animals, that could be my story! I'm so sorry (we didn't figure it out until DS was 10, either.)

So, the thing to know about meltdowns first of all is that there is a point of no return, and you need to have a strategy for that. We would practice in non-meltdown mode sending DS to his room, we used incentives and we told him it wasn't a punishment, but the rule was he had to go to his room when we told him to, period. After you have this pretty well built in, when you see him amping up for a meltdown, send him to his room and shut the door. You have to catch it EARLY.

You also need to make sure there's nothing in his room he can use to hurt himself and nothing should be in there that's irreplaceable (for a while, DS's belts were kept in a separate room, because he'd seen on the news how a local kid had committed suicide that way.)

Keep in mind that each kid is different, what worked for my son might not work for yours, but I think this was a good place to start. Isolation helps DS "reset" more quickly because he isn't trying to manage our social expectations of him.

There are several good threads on meltdowns listed in the Parenting Index, as well as threads on violence and self-harm. You seem to be off to a good start: we've found the "family team" approach that you're describing to be very helpful.

Just from what you've written, I see two red flags for specific autistic deficits: rigidity and executive function. Sounds like your son does well if he knows exactly what is expected and exactly what is coming next, but falls apart if things are different - even if they improve. That's not unusual for a kid on the spectrum. It also sounds like he's struggling with organizational skills and it is affecting his ability to cope in school (also not unusual.) For the latter, I find that it helps to remember that a "developmental delay" (autism spectrum) really means that a child is operating like he is much younger than his chronological age. For many kids here, 1/3 less is a number that seems to fit.

In other words, your child may have the organizational capacity of a 2nd or 3rd grader, and is struggling under the expectations of a 5th or 6th grader. For my son, we explain this to his teachers, and we try to structure things so that there are redundant systems in place to help him: we explain that he has to write something in his assignment notebook for EVERY class, whether there is homework or not. Teachers are supposed to check his notebook and his materials after every class. He has to sign in and out every morning and afternoon to make sure he's got everything he needs for school. Essentially, he needs a lot of handholding - but it is a need, not a want.

I just realized the other day that "developmental delay" and "late bloomer" are the same thing. He'll get there, he just needs help. Good luck!

Wow! It seems like your son and my son could be the same kid!

We also struggle with organization skills. Sadly, hubs and I are also horribly disorganized. I struggle with it all the time and have learned to put some systems in place, but my husband....not so much. I think the difference is, I mind being in a mess. I hate it. He doesn't even seem to realize the mess exists.

We homeschool. This has its ups and downs, but even being given a page of math problems and being asked to do them can trigger a meltdown. Lots of statements about "math is hard" and "I'm never going to get it" and so on. Both my hubs and I probably should have been labeled LD in school, so I get that kind of frustration. What I don't get is, I buckled down and figured out how to get past my problems, whereas my kid just dissolves.

Does your son know when he is about to have a meltdown? Can he feel it building and can he tell you?

Do you sometimes feel he is working himself into a meltdown on purpose? We sometimes think he is faking it to try and get out of something unpleasant (math!)

How long do meltdowns typically last? This last one was in a cycle for almost 24 hours--he lost it, then recovered, then slept, then he woke up and started all over again, but worse. Now he is in that calm-after-the-storm stage. Things will be fine now--until next time.

I think things are worse lately in part because there has been a lot of family drama and change in the past year or so. My husband's father died. We lost several beloved family pets, one after a long illness. I was unemployed for a while, and am now working part-time, but there was talk of my going to work full time at a pig farm. Now I am looking to go to EMT school (starting in a couple weeks) and then going to work on an ambulance. Ongoing internet connectivity issues and car drama have destroyed much of our school My mother's health is failing. I have been trying to prepare kiddo for more independent studying and working on his own, which has resulted in a crazy sort of regression. He is getting less able to work independently.

I have an idea that his current degeneration is related to my plans to return to work. It seems as if he believes, by becoming more irresponsible, he can make me stay home.

He also really, really does not want to grow up. He has talked at length about how he is not ready to turn 12, does not want to be an adult, how he has "wasted" his childhood, not had enough cool experiences (totally not true--we make sure he has a ton of experiences!). He is extremely sad that he feels he is outgrowing his stuffed animals. We live out in the country and there are no kids around. As much as I try to get him out to see his friends, I think his stuffed critters have been extremely comforting to him and it is hard for him to grow past them.

One good thing in his life is Boy Scouts. He just went on a camp out. He was nervous about going, because he had been so homesick on the one before that he had to come home. But we talked about it and discussed some strategies he could use (positive self-talk, replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, staying in the moment, etc.) and his leaders told me they had also worked him through a little bit of homesickness. What wonderful gifted men--they are already picking up on his behaviors and triggers and are able to pull him back into the group when he needs it. They boys are also supportive, both of his homesickness and his social agenda (growing his hair for locks of love, being a vegetarian).

Ok, so now I'm just rambling. Thinking out loud, I guess. Thanks everybody for any help you can give.

Just to add to this, we tend to be at our worst when we're under pressure of some kind (time, scrutiny, etc...) or when we quickly have to adapt to something new. My worst mistakes and experiences usually came when one of these, or both, were at play. An aspie can seem like the smartest guy in the room or the dumbest depending on how these factors come into play. And where someone else might grit his teeth and bear the pain of an uncomfortable situation, we often don't have the emotional controls in place to do that, so we regress to a tantrum or a shutdown.

Obviously, you can't make it so he never has to deal with change or with pressure, since that's part of life. Like Momsparky said, you have to almost think of him as younger than he is when it comes to these kind of things. In time, he'll catch up.

This is not something I would normally say in a post.

I think I speak for most who have experience with meltdowns. This is truly a case of "The best defense is a good offence."

I don't think people on the spectrum differ in that like: most everyone they have a process for most of what is done. Even though you notice some things that anticipate the meltdown. You can become an expert at what the specific cues are. I have yet to find a single consistently effective strategy for an active meltdown. But I have found several very effective strategies for derailing the meltdown before it happens.

We have had the most success identifying the cue's by talking to one another. Sharing notes with both parents: teachers and anyone else who is in a position to make observations. When you begin to do this formally. You will find cue's further and further upstream from the meltdown. And that is what I suggest you focus on. The meltdown process has it's own momentum. It snowballs. Prior to that is you area of opportunity.

I am thinking it is too early to make him responsible for his behavior; he does not yet recognize his own build up patterns and may or may not ever be able to. He will need help here. There is a good chapter on the steps to a meltdown in Tracker’s book (free for download) at ASDStuff.com

Meltdowns occur when the stress build up is too much. The trigger is usually the last straw in a long process, and it is the entire process that needs to be managed. Look for the small changes in behavior that occur hours and maybe even days before the actual meltdown.

Your son held it together through some very difficult times, but the stress got to him and that left him less prepared for new challenges. And, now, what I suspect is that he is really feeling his hormonal changes for the first time; that could be a large part of the reason he does not want to grow up. Those changes are scary and overpowering.

As for the math trigger, I will share what we were told: it is the page full of problems that is overwhelming. Instead of handing him a page, hand him one problem on its own sheet. See how it is going, and if he is doing well, hand him the next after it is done. If he is not, do something else for a while. If you don’t want to make the separate sheets, come up with a way to block off everything he is not currently working on.

I do understand the trap you feel worrying about rewarding his bad behavior by giving him what he wants (you), but this is an age where boys (especially ASD boys) seem to really need their mothers. I realize that you still have to do what you have to do, but spend time with him letting him know that you recognize his need as real, and have no intention of abandoning him, just that what it looks like may have to change a little.

Also, let him know that there is no reason he has to grow past his stuffed animals. If he doesn’t want to, that is a viable choice. Who cares what anyone else thinks? That is there problem, not his and not yours.

Do spend some time checking out the threads in our index. We have covered a lot of ground over time here!

And never mind about rambling. There is always so much territory to cover! My son has thrived in scouts, too, by the way. He loves the outdoors and he loves the structure of it: the rules and what it takes to be successful are so clear and defined.

My oldest was the sweetest most docile toddler and preschooler you ever met. He had times that he was overstimulated, but they were handled easily by placing him in his bed with the lights out and the noise levels in the house reduced, and telling him that he wasn't in trouble, he could get up when he felt better. When he started school, full blown meltdowns of the screaming, crying, hitting, throwing things variety started. He is a very big boy for his age. He is is now 5'6" and weighs 192 pounds, and wears a size 12 1/2 in men's shoes. He'll be 13 in less than a month. So when he was 10 and 11, we were dealing with a kid the size of a small adult that would go into rages and try to attack whoever he was mad at (usually his next younger brother who has an amazing skill for antagonism and obnoxiousness when he wants to). It would usually end up with me having to wrestle him into his room and hold the door shut, while he screamed and pulled and kicked the door. There are several holes in the door from this time period.

He had reason to be angry. His brother was being terrible, but he couldn't deal with it the way he was. We had talked and talked with him about strategies for dealing with his brother, about coming to us to let us know when his brother was being that obnoxious, etc. He wouldn't implement any of the strategies, and we'd have another incident. Finally, I signed him up to see the same counselor that was working with the second kid (yes, he was being horrible, but we were working on it, too. He's not on the ASD spectrum, so not going into his stuff too much). The counselor spent several sessions telling my kid the same things that we had been telling him for two years. We haven't had a meltdown like that in almost a year. I think having a neutral someone else that acknowledged his feelings as being valid, but needing strategies to be dealt with helped him, too. There was something about hearing those same things from someone else that made it make sense for him or made it hold authority with him in a way that hearing us say it, never did.

So, I don't know if that is any kind of option, but it did really help us with that particular behavior set. He deals with frustration pretty calmly now making good use of his strategy toolbox.

One thing: I doubt anything your son is doing is conscious. It may be that he is unconsciously trying to get out of stuff or keep stuff from happening, but we've discovered with my son that his meltdowns just aren't deliberate: he doesn't have the sophistication it would take to think of tricking us that way - or to successfully pull it off if he did.

DS did not, in fact, know what he was feeling and that was half the battle when it came to meltdowns. We lucked into an autism social skills group that was based on this videogame (it was covered by our insurance, it's pretty expensive otherwise) http://www.sst-institute.net/ One of the skills taught in this game is recognizing feelings by physical symptoms: heart rate, breathing, how your muscles are tensed or relaxed, how you hold your head and shoulders. To this day, DS relies on that to figure out whether he needs a break (we discovered he tends to clench his fists just before a meltdown - so that was our cue for him to go to his room.)

Change is really, really hard for a kid on the spectrum, so if you are planning on going back to work I bet that is one trigger. Not to say you can't do it - but be aware that it is one more piece of the puzzle.

Well, what we came up with today is that, if he feels like he is about to have a meltdown, he can tell us he needs a break and go to his room. He says occasionally he knows it is going to happen, but not too far in advance. So I told him, even if he only knows one second in advance, he should tell us and he can go lie down. And if we notice that he is close to losing it, we can send him to his room, as well.

I hope eventually we will become better at recognizing the pre-meltdown phase and heading it off.

We are also working on building morning routines and bedtime routines. Actually I had been at that for a while, but all the car drama and other craziness got us sidetracked, so we are starting again.

I am still concerned about his behavior during the meltdowns. I'll take it on faith that he can't help some of the awful stuff he says, but I cannot accept that he is unable to control his impulse to hurt the animals. I also notice that he breaks stuff during the meltdowns, but all I have to do is tell him (well, scream at him) to stop it and he does stop. So I see he has at least a little control there. I guess I would like more specific ideas to try, to help him at least rein in his behavior so he can avoid hurting us, the critters, or the house.

How big is he and are you able to constrain him?

I was fortunate to have it all come to a head BEFORE my son got too big, so we had a little time for the teaching process. I could physically constrain him if I had to.

Important note here: until you know all the signs and triggers, and know he can divert himself into self-calming, he probably should never be alone with the animals or delicate objects.

He says he thinks it would help if I hugged him when he starts to loose it. I could probably restrain him...but he will outgrow it soon.

Deep pressure is a common sensory need. Hugs are good - but this is another place to see if a weighted blanket will help. Bean bag chairs sometimes do it for kids, too.

Along these lines, taking regular sensory breaks throughout the day helps my son avoid meltdowns. At school he does them on a regular schedule, not just when he seems to "need it" so his cup stays more full allowing him to better cope with the more frustrating tasks.