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So I pass by my son's school everyday en route home from work. Everyday, a group of the kids from his grade are found hanging around each other - having fun, being social. Everyday, my son goes to the public library by himself. Today, I noticed one of the boys cuddling up with a girl - a boy whom I've known since grade 1, who lives down the block, who now has a girlfriend. I was happy for him but I couldn't help but feel jealous. I notice how my son is never a part of their group - a large group - consisting of the majority of his classmates. I see them hanging around our local shopping center laughing away and being silly. If my son is with me, they ignore him. He'll say hi sometimes and they'll politely say hi - no invitation, no "paling" around. He just walks past them and they don't care.

Sometimes I wish I was more social myself - so I could have made more effort to get to know these kids when they were younger - and their parents - but I didn't because I've got my own anti-social thing going on. I'm pretty content with my life as is but I feel sorry for him. Oddly enough, he's a pretty social person and I KNOW he wants to have friends. I KNOW he wants to be a part of their group.

It just makes me sad - it's gut wrentching.

Well .... I don't know if this will help or hurt, but maybe it is a different perspective.

Even though my son struggled socially in elementary school, between shared after school activities, his gift for imagination, and the socialization of parents, he was friends with THE popular boy in school; one of that kid's 3 closest friends. That boy was a lovely gift, and I was extremely grateful.

But here is what happened in middle school: the kids develop their personalties, and no longer connect over common childhood activities like Legos and Playmobile. It became a bigger issue to my son - not the popular kid - that all the popular kid wanted to do was talk about sports. And my son realized that he was not at all interested in any of this boy's other friends, or being part of the huge circle that constantly surrounded him. My son enjoyed being with that boy when it was just them, and the boy adapted to my son's interests, but the rest of the time, he realized that he didn't want to hang with the kid.

So my son started to form his own, very small, social group, centered on his interests. It was rough waters for a while; middle school is like that; but it was a direction that my son was choosing. The popular kid would have been content to keep my son in his circle, but it wasn't what my son wanted anymore.

In high school, my son has a group of 5 kids that he hangs out with, and he is very happy with that; this is how he wants it. He got involved in the school plays and has an expanded circle from that, even if those kids still aren't who he would invite over to do something with.

Sometimes I feel sad FOR ME about the experiences I am missing with my son. He didn't want to go to the 8th grade graduation dance, he never attends football games at the high school, has zero interest in dating, etc. He stopped being on sports teams in 6th grade, and I quickly discovered that I no longer saw the other parents anymore: we'd been chatting and bonding at the kid's games. That was something I had to get over; it had been so easy for me, like a ready made social life centered on our kids, and I felt super lost when my son's interests took him in another direction. Lol, you can probably find my lament from a few years ago somewhere on here

Do I think it helped him now to have had the benefit of the popular friend in elementary school? Yes, it did. He learned a lot from that boy. But it did not set his social circle, because at some point kids divide based on interests, and my son is simply ... unique in that. I'm not in the least bit worried about him when he's an adult, because he has always related easily to adults; it is the ever changing interests of kids his own age that he can't relate to.

I do have ideas for helping kids in elementary school, when all they need is a love for legos and playmobile to have some shared interests. Carpools, organized activities, and parents that are involved in the school all help kids bond.

But after that ... I don't think there is anything the popular kids have that most of our kids actually want. Maybe our kids don't all know that, because they didn't have the benefit of being allowed inclusion if they wanted it like my son did, but I think that is actually how it is. All they need is one or two good friends, not a whole group.

My post isnt about wanting my son to be in the popular group. I could really care less. My point is more about him spending most of his time, after school, alone - unless I have him enrolled in something. He is a social person but has no friends. His interests involve sports, which he's not good at so is made fun of when he "makes a mistake". He wants to blend with others because he, too, is interested in the same things, just lacks the skills to make him "count". He isn't chosen to be on their team even when he wants to be.

High school is coming up and he will be attending the largest high school in our area. I just hope it will give him more opportunities to make A friend. He's a good kid, really. I like spending time with him. I wish other kids could too.

Ah, sorry, I'm a little brain dead right now (and was when I was posting earlier). And I couldn't remember how old your son is.

I think middle school is the worst. Seventh grade was awful.

High school has just been 180, so much better. The kids have a better sense of who they are and what they like, and the pond is bigger.

Thanks DW. On one hand, I'm looking forward to high school because I'm hoping that "bigger pond" will help him too. I hope I hope I hope. High school can be brutal so it can go either way. He's in grade 7 now.