I need help on helping my son cope with a major change

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If you read my previous question about what to do regarding my crazy husband and my son's relationship with him. Here's the thing that I realize has me feeling really really depressed.

Everyone who answered said I needed to get my son away from my husband. I wish I could do that. But my son doesn't want to move right now even though he knows the house has to be sold.

I think my son should move in with me while that happens. It will spare him from having everyone looking at his room. But here's the real thing I left out.

I am moving away in October. It's an 8 hour drive. I have to move to get away from my ex. But I've lived here for 20 years and have always been really unhappy here. I've put myself last and it's time for me to put myself first. How do I transition my son from all this change?

He will most likely get a job here when he finished school in October. But it won't pay enough for him to live with a roommate. He's now going out with friends from school. That's something really new. He's studying film and there are jobs here.

If he stays and I go, how can I help him to deal with it? It has my stomach in knots and I'm getting depressed worrying about all of this.I know he'll feel abandoned my me. I feel really guilty about it.

Has anyone been through something similar? My son is 20.I'd really like him to move with me. Maybe I should look into possible jobs near me.

I can make a plan to come and visit regularly. He has some money that could stipend a roommate.

Help please. It was hard for me to get out of bed worrying about this.

This is very hard.

I am going to ask a couple of questions just to make sure we all understand the situation.

#1-Is your son under any kind of guardianship or is he legally independent?
#2-Is the date of your move scheduled to coincide with your son leaving school?
#3-Is your husband stalking you? Is he committing any crimes that would get him out of your son's life, too.
#4-You may have answered this in the other thread but is your husband relocating within the same town or city as he lives in now?

Here is what I see are the issues, and I will try to answer them the best I can before knowing the answers to the above questions, realizing that my answers might change after I know the answers.

Your husband is abusive and I cannot see that it would be prudent to leave your son with him. If he is stalking you he might harass/stalk your son as well, even if he lives with roommates. This sounds very unsafe for him. If you think he would be safe and your ex would be happy not to deal with him, this may not be unsafe. That said I think him having no parental associations after being used to being around both parents (even though one is abusive) would be as traumatic as leaving his home.

So your problem is trying to get him to make several big transitions within a small amount of time. This is very hard. I am assuming you will not be able to give your son notice about your move until you know he will not be alerting your ex, so that your ex cannot find you. If so, this makes it harder still.

List of really big transitions:

1)Moving somewhere (temporarily) either with you or his friends either now or once the house is sold.
2)Graduation
3)Ideally another move with you, possibly without much notice depending on the ex situation.
4)Having to find a job (A big issue for Aspies)

I know this sounds like punting, but I would make sure his therapist is aware of all of this. He is going to need substantial support to make this happen.

My therapist constantly tells me that I do better when I have a plan for unknown events, incase they happen and also when I feel that I have options and am not stuck or trapped.


Moving somewhere new without having ever visited there is not a great idea for an aspie. Is there any way you could take your son to your new town soon, and visit for an overnight or a long weekend and have a look at the town, places people live, the transportation, the grocery store? That way he could get a feel for it.

It is very hard to change houses. Moving is so draining. I worry about my favorite things and having to leave behind books, clothing, things that I collect. Would you be able to reassure your son that he would be able to take as much of his personal items.furniture, etc as he wants with him? That could help ease a tough transition. Also pets.

If you could find out now, if his dr and therapist could provide a referal to any dr or therapist that deals with ASD young adults in the new area, too. It would be super helpful to me, if I could meet my new drs first in advance before moving to a new place and have a session with my therapist afterwards to discuss any concerns.

Also consider his special interests and routines. Where will he complete these in the new location? Are there websites, brochures, newspaper ads, etc that you could compile for him to show him that he will be able to continue his interests and activities *even something small like getting a coffee in the morning, or renting a movie if it is a ritual is important*?

Also asking him what he would like to do. He may not know, and that is ok. He may also want to do what he THINKS he ought to do, but help him to realize he has options, he doesnt have to get a full time job after he graduates. He could get a part time job, live near you, volunteer part time, continue his education, some options have got to exist. Sometimes we get too wrapped up in what other people do, what we think we are expected to do, are "supposed" to do, and it is totally overwhelming because it doesnt even fit what we have the ability to do, or what we want to do (not that I can say I know for sure what I want to do. but just doing what Im supposed to hasnt worked out for me, so having options is key)

sorry for rambling, hope you find some parts helpful

First of all, no matter how difficult it makes it for you, I can understand your son's wanting to stay as long as possible. I'm not saying that's the best idea, given his clueless idiot of a father, but I do understand it. He's grieving the loss of the familiar, probably trying desperately to adjust to the idea he's never going to live there again. If he weren't, the idea of strangers traipsing in and out of his room would be enough to drive him away. If you acknowledge that and help him deal with it, it might make it a little easier for him.

Beyond that... he reminds me of my son's poor cat, who had to live with us for a while (my son was a Marine, going through a nasty divorce in which his ex threatened the cat). That was the only cat I've ever met I really couldn't figure out how to deal with - he was an utter mess, terrified and frantic and incapable of understanding what was happening to him. At first, I thought it might be his personality - then I read an article on stress factors in cats, and realised that, of the seven major triggers for extreme stress in cats, this poor guy was going through five at once. I'm not just rambling - in some ways, we're a lot like cats. And any way you slice this, he's going to be going through so many major life crises all at once there is absolutely no way he is going to avoid falling apart.

I'm sorry, because that's probably not what you wanted to hear, but if there were any hope of avoiding that, clueless moron dad would have to be on the same page and work with you, and it just does not sound as if there's any chance of that happening. At least if you're aware his life is going to fall apart (example: starting a new job in this period, I really suspect he will just make a total mess of it), you can be better prepared for that, and to help him pick up the pieces.

Unfortunately, the one major thing you could have done which might have lessened the impact seems to have been missed in the haste. (Which is no doubt due to clueless dolt, but that doesn't change the result.) If he'd been included in your planning, and you'd selected a place to move to which he could feel some interest in or excitement about, that would help. Forced situations are always worst for us. As a totally unrelated example, I'm a very picky eater - and I've tried expanding what I can eat. What I've discovered is this: new foods I try at my own pace, when I decide I'm interested, almost always turn out to be something I like, with rare exceptions. Foods I was forced to try as a child, even if I now desperately want to learn to eat them, are much more difficult. Either I can't stomach them at all, or my ability to eat them is so hedged around with qualifiers (I can only eat uncooked vegetables - those that are fit to eat uncooked - and when they're absolutely fresh). So, simply because he has to move to a certain location, he's likely to loathe it and any place like it. If he'd had time and a chance to think about what might prove interesting, that would have greatly reduced this risk.

One final point. Assuming you absolutely can't persuade him to move with you - and given his reluctance to even leave the house he knows he's going to have to get out of soon, that's a pretty safe bet - you'll want to find a friend or relative nearby who can keep a close eye on him. His father is clearly making this whole situation worse - something, sadly, which is much easier than making it better - and with everything going on, I'd say there's a very good chance he'll get himself into such a mess he's likely to at least consider suicide. Again, not what you wanted to hear, but at least if you are prepared in advance to try to head off this risk, you have the ability to do something.

One thing just occurred to me: is his father truly that dense? Or is he deliberately distressing your son in an effort to 'get at' you? Because as I think about this - although I don't know nearly all the details - it more or less feels that way. Which is an incredibly dangerous game he's playing, if that's what he's doing. At least as dangerous as outright Russian roulette, and probably much more so, since if he is doing that, your son's odds of riding it out are truly terrible.

Does your son have any pets? If he loves animals, that can be a good thing, as long as he's able to keep them. Being forced to give up any of my cats is the one thing I can think of which would be even more traumatic than anything else he's going through. On the other hand, my cats have helped keep me sane, and at times when I considered suicide, one of the reasons I often decided against it was so I wouldn't leave my cat, who loved me, alone. (Of course, this will only work if he has a pet he loves and who loves him.)

ETA: By the way, referring to the last post in your previous thread - I don't think you're crazy, just stuck in a pretty difficult situation. Even if he is just clueless, your ex sounds more than capable of messing up anyone's life - and if he is deliberately causing your son distress to stir the pot, then he's a monster.