question from adult aspie to parents

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I want to tell my parents I've been diagnosed.

For background, my family doesn't talk about anything sub-surface. We never talk about emotions or how we're feeling. My parents main way of showing me love is giving me grocery money when I occasionally misbudget and run out early. There was also abuse (of myself) which is never spoken of. I am transgender and have been living as a male for 2 years now and my father pretends it never happened and refers to me as "she" and my old female name. I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder as well but they never ask how I'm doing or visit me if I end up in the hospital. We'd never talk if I didn't call, they'd never pick up the phone to call me.

I was diagnosed as severe Aspergers a few years ago and I want to tell them that. I feel any time now would be a good time to tell them because functionally, I'm falling apart so they may be more inclined to believe me. I had a bipolar episode and landed in the hospital and was advised to drop out of school so I did and I'm on disability and my psychiatrist doesn't want me to work, and I've been volunteering a bit but have had so much trouble functioning, I'm probably quitting it. The Aspergers has been regressing because I have no structure, I think?

Some people had trouble understanding why the doctor labelled me as *severe* aspergers before but the behaviours are quite a bit more prominent than they used to be. Things like hitting myself, stimming in public, completely isolating when in group situations, no eye contact, difficulty carrying on a conversation, getting lost in repeating a sequence and missing things I was supposed to do, trouble leaving my room/house. And my sound sensitivity is more painful. My functioning has really declined. If I can get to my therapy appointment tomorrow I hope she has some advice. I'm generally an intelligent young man, I wish I could logic my way out of this.

I haven;t told my parents all of how I'm doing, but I intend to. Should I add an "I was also diagnosed with Aspergers" in there, or will it be another thing my parents ignore? I'm afraid they won't believe it like they won't believe the Transgender.

So the official question: If your 29 year old son (or daughter if you're my dad) was having a lot of problems and told you he was diagnosed with Asperger's, how would you react? (or, do you think I should tell my parents?)

I'm sorry that you're not in a good place right now. Your parents seem very emotionally disconnected to you and, quite frankly, not very accepting of you as a person, unfortunately. The fact that your dad rejects you outright as transgender just makes me mad at the world and want to cry.

I don't think that I would introduce your AS diagnosis right away, as I don't think your parents are at the point where they would acknowledge and accept it, and because of this, you may end up disappointed. I think you should go with your gut instinct right now and wait until they are perhaps open-minded enough to accept it. As well, AS is often misunderstood and there's a chance that they may stereotype it...and end up stereotyping you.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I am trying to put myself in your parents' shoes. I have always tried to use gender-neutral language when referring to my son's possible interest in a partner, and I have set myself to be accepting of him no matter how he turns out. If that would turn out to mean transgendered, it would be a big shock to me - but I think only because he identifies so very strongly as male and, at this point, straight. I like to think I would accept that. It took me a while to wrap my brain around AS (at first I thought it was bipolar) but once I was given evidence that made sense, I didn't have a problem accepting it and have gone on to get myself diagnosed.

All of that is to say that I don't have a good perspective on your parents (and I think I might speak for many parents on this board, who are gathered here expressly because we want to be accepting and understanding of our children.)

I'd say this: when they start wrapping their heads appropriately around the fact that you are a "she," and making an attempt to call you by your chosen name (you have to give them some room for brain farts; name changes mess me up even when they are less emotionally charged) maybe you can start talking to them about the rest of it. I think (and I am NOT a doctor or therapist - so please check with yours,) when you get to that place, the appropriate tactic to take is "A while back, I discovered that I am also AS, and because of that I am now able to cope better because I've learned _____________________________________________________"

I hope that your parents come around. Somewhere in there, I think that they love you - you are probably just so far out of their frame of reference that they don't know how to talk to you or process the information you are giving them. However, even if they don't - know that you sound like a bright young man and that you will find a community/family that supports you and a life that fits for you if you just hang in there. Take care and be kind to yourself.

I hope you have someone you can talk to about these things. If you have a therapist, have you considered bringing you parents to a session so you can tell them about everything in a safe place? It sounds like you have a lot to discuss with them. Good luck!

I am very sorry. I would do whatever you need to do to protect yourself emotionally. It sounds like your parents have their own issues based on how you describe their (lack of) mental attachment. A lot of parents, unfortunately based on what I have seen in real life (not the parents on this board) have children expecting little :"mini-mes" and they do not know how to cope when their children are not what they expected. The parents on this board would have picked a different place to congregate if we felt like that. Your parents don't seem to be able to adapt to differences between expectations and reality. Maybe they will learn this with time, but it sounds like they are far from this point.

I would think about what the worst case reaction would be and ask your self if it is worth risking this reaction in order to get them to understand you better. It does not seem like they have handled the bipolar diagnosis well, if they did not visit you in the hospital. Sometimes people have fears of hospitals, though. Have they otherwise accepted the bipolar diagnosis? I would guess that they would handle an Asperger's diagnosis in a similar way.

If I had a 29 year old who was clearly struggling in Aspie ways then I think Asperger's would be an easy thing for me to accept. I accepted it about myself as an adult after my son was diagnosed and the pieces of things from my past just fell into place.

Do they believe and accept the bipolar diagnosis? I would think that Aspergers would be easier to accept than being transgender, but at this point they might not believe you have it just due to having so many labels already.

I guess I would expect more of the same out of them -- disclosing the AS label won't make them more likely to help you or to visit you in the hospital.

zette - I don't know what they think of the bipolar. It's another one they ignore. I once asked them to take my bipolar more seriously and ask me about it, but they won't.

Thank you all for allowing me a little space in your forum. I think I will wait, maybe until I am older and have learned to manage my problems, then it will be coming from a place of real maturity. I hope I can find maturity, at 29 years old I'm not there yet.

I want to add my, "I am so sorry you are going through this" to the thread. I would want to know, as a parent about the diagnosis but, as the others have noted, I'm not your parent, and they may not think like me. I don't know how to get inside their head.

When I am unsure, I tend to test the waters (figuratively). Tiny toe steps (also figuratively). See how big the ripple is. Step in further or back away accordingly. I would consider a version of that appropriate here.

The thing is, while waiting is probably the right answer with those two unique people, it sounds like you could really use some more support, now, from them, and what if there was a chance they might actually provide it?

On transgender ... I'm pretty accepting, but I think that would be a hard one for me to swallow, which would be my problem, not my child's. Just ... so much of my life as a parent has been around "child A is a girl" and "child B is a boy." It would really take a long time to rewire my brain on that. Much much easier to accept if one is simply gay. For me. So I wonder how much of it with your dad is that, and not just outright rejection of the idea.

If it's any consolation or if it offers any hope, I was not yet mature at 29. For me it started happening in my mid 30's. Now, in my mid 40's, I'd say I have it down pretty well, though I still struggle with certain aspects of being a "responsible" adult due to my ADD. But all in all, I'd say I'm doing pretty good, even though I was a "late bloomer."

Not knowing you, nor your parents, I would probably agree with you and hold off on telling them. I suspect they will not be supportive. I also suspect that your parents might be the type that have a hard time determining what it means to be accepting, loving, and supportive. They may truly believe giving you money is an act of love. One thing I have learned in life is that parents don't always "give love" in the way we want or need them to. Sometimes they can only give it in the way they give it.

I am very accepting of my kids. Of course, I already accept their diagnoses, and if more get added on, I will be sad because it will mean an even harder lot in life for them, but I will accept it. I would, however, have a very hard time adjusting to transgender. I, personally, would feel at a loss, because I would feel that the child I knew and raised and loved was...I don't know??? Gone? It wouldn't mean that I didn't still love them. Of course I would. But it would be very hard for me, on a logical level, to really wrap my head around it. I share this as a parent and because you are asking. I totally don't get why your parents are not accepting your bipolar diagnosis, and I don't get why they wouldn't accept your AS diagnosis, but I do get the transgender part and for me it wouldn't be about not accepting or loving my kid. It would be about not having any concept of what it really meant and having to reconceptualize my entire understanding of my kid...seeing my whole history with them from a different perspective. Wondering how it could be that I didn't know. Worrying that I did or said things when they were kids that caused them pain because of my ignorance. Mostly, it would be me trying to figure out how, when I think I know my kids so well, I wouldn't have known something like this. It would be a long process for me. I guess what I am saying is don't give up on your dad yet. He might get there one day. He probably just has mountains of his own stuff to wade through on the way.

Be kind to yourself in the meantime, and find support in more supportive places.

Thank you all. Through this I'm getting a picture of how a supportive parent would respond, and I'm going to use what I'm learning from you to self parent - it's never too late.

I think my parents' lack of interest into my life is what let to my autism diagnosis not occurring until adulthood. The school did detect something, but latched onto the fact that I was bright and tested me for giftedness, which came up positive. So any other deviation from normal was because I was very smart. This was also the 80's.

Thank you especially for your perspectives on transgender. I had years and years to adjust and I keep expecting people to just switch from old me to now me easily. A couple do. But I'm around college kids all the time, I don't have the experience of how easily other parents would accept me.