How do we get compliance in a constructive way?

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I have a son who is 8 years of age. He has been diagnosed with PDD-NOS and ADHD. He takes Adderall XR-10. The medication does help. My son is good hearted, but he is self centered. We also have spoiled him. He does know right from wrong. Sometimes emotions overwhelm him.

I know personally how one has to learn coping and management skills when one has a diagnosis of one sort or another but my diagnosis is so different from his and the "rules" are different.

His intelligence is adequate for basic functioning. His speech is pretty good because he had speech therapy from age 3-6.

He is able to dress himself and if told, he will go get his shirt, underwear and pants. I estimate, for example, that within the next six months to a year, he will be able to run his own bath and dress himself fully without being (what's that word?)---prompted.

The problem is behavioral. We tell him and he understands that it is federal and state law that he attends school. We have told him that we aren't trying to be mean, and we are just trying to get him to put his clothes on, eat breakfast and brush his teeth because of this law and because that's just how the education system works. He hates school.


He tries to deny that he needs to go to school. We get frustrated and we raise our voices. We know not to do this. We know that people with autism do feel deeply and we feel that feelings are difficult to process. He always needs a hug afterwards. We also understand that the school is crappy. We have given thought to moving and such. We also know that he might need the seating arrangement changed.

How does the parent deal with meltdowns and stubborness without losing ones cool? I can get prompting. I can get the developmental delay--It doesn't bother me. I know about the depth of emotions and how they are difficult to process. My father has trauma from the Great Depression and from Korea, so I understand in a way, the similar way that perhaps autism does not allow feelings to go away but they get stuck in the mind.

I also spoke with a friend at work who says that he is acting out for attention.

I can deal with a lot, but I just need a teeny bit of COOPERATION?

How do you get discipline without punishment?

How to make sure that they know that you do love them?

I know that consistency is part of it.

How do we get cooperation?

I need specific advice here.

First, don't take anymore advice from that friend. Your son has a neurological condition he IS NOT acting out for attention. Its not about him being spoiled or lazy or needing any type of punishment. He needs people to realize that he has different NEEDS than most neuortypical kids.

I know this isn't an easy answer to implement but you really have to get at the root of the problem - the school environment. What is happening at school that is making it so difficult for him and what can be done to mitigate those problems? We had a lot of school refusal last year and at the beginning of this year but we finally have a decent IEP in place that the school is following. With the proper supports in place at school, getting there is no longer the daily knock-down-drag-out battle that it used to be. Does your son have an IEP? or a 504 plan? If not, that is where you need to start. If so, then its not working and it needs to be revisited.

You get cooperation by asking them to do things they have the skills and emotional regulation abilities to handle.

Is the problem solely school avoidance behavior or does he also have trouble focusing on things that are "boring?" My son has issues finishing breakfast letting us get him ready etc. when he would rather talk about his special interests or play or whatever. it is that much worse when it is something he hates.

We just matter-of-factly remind him to continue eating or whatever as we go about our morning routine. Sometimes we have to tell him we won't talk to him about his special interest until he finished eating or whatever.

If your child is having a bad time in school, then this will be a lot worse. He hopes that if he doesn't get dressed he will get to stay home. I would make sure he knows that you are in the middle of trying to fix his school situation, and I would keep him updated on the progress of it. If you have something scheduled for that day, tell him. I don't know if it will help him stop dawdling (especially if the situation is REALLY bad) but it is worth a try.

The attention seeking explanation does not seem to fit in with what else you have posted.

I am in with the crowd on this one. I agree with the above post's and would just add a couple of things.

You can call an IEP meeting when you think one is needed. I would call one and enlist their help problem solving and trouble shooting the adversity to school.

The second suggestion I have is get him up a half hour earlier. Let him get moving at his own speed just give a little more time. If needed move it again in half hour increments. Letting him know why. And that as he begins to get ready on time the time can be adjusted the other direction.

Mornings are tough for most people. Just keep reminding him that everyone is tired and grumpy in the morning. I will prompt three times. Then do it myself. I.E. please put on your shoes, Please put on your shoes, Please put on your shoes. Then do it yourself. Not in a harsh or punitive way. Just a taking care of what has to be done manner. I have had a lot of success. This sounds bad. But I am a big fan of the "Dog whisperer" Calm assertive energy way of doing things.

Thank you.

I agree with the others about trying to fix the school issues.

I wasn't sure from reading your post whether your son is actively making things slower--struggling against his clothing being put on him, refusing to eat, running away, arguing, that sort of thing--or just being naturally slow--taking forever to eat, staring into space, playing with toys instead of putting on clothes, that sort of thing.

I have one of each. My kid with ADHD will argue and everything he can to actively avoid something or just because he's tired and grumpy in the mornings. With him the key to getting him ready in the mornings is to not engage verbally with his hysterics at all. Usually not even to tell him to stop. When he's at his worst, I can stop him with something physical like a big hug and redirect him back to his task. Coffee helps as well. (I'm not crazy, caffeine helps a lot of hyperactive people calm themselves down a bit). Frequently we have to have time available in the schedule for him to have five or ten minutes of griping in his room to let off enough steam to be able to be redirected. For him, once he's feeling cooperative he's very fast and can get himself ready including fixing his own breakfast in less than ten minutes. Once he's at this stage, he can usually help get the four year old ready too, and sometimes even help with making sure the older one gets his shoes on. For him, it would be very easy to see his behavior as defiant and bad at times like these (and believe me he has plenty of issues with defiance, attention seeking, etc), but when he gets really wound up like this, it's more of an over stimulation issue than it is a purposeful behavior issue. Before I figured out how to get him redirected things would escalate and we'd have a huge screaming, door slamming, baiting his brothers, just generally awful mess on our hands. And you can imagine what effect that had not only on getting ready in the morning, but also on everyone's mood that entire day.

My kid with HFA is SLOW, SLOW, and MORE SLOW when it comes to getting anything done. He knows how to do and take care of all kinds of things that are good life skills. He can take care of his own hygiene. He can cook very simple meals like eggs or macaroni and cheese. He can run the washer and dryer. What he can't do is complete any of those things without a hundred redirects and prompts. The only thing we have been able to do with him when we have to have him ready quickly is to stand over him. If it's been more than thirty seconds since we heard from him on something like getting himself dressed, then it is time to tell him again. Every now and then we get an annoyed, "I am!" but most of the time he was staring into space again and needed it. At age 8 we still had to dress him pretty often, and always went for slip-on or Velcro shoes. We simplify everything. If he is going to need a set of clothes, shoes, his backpack, his coat, a lunch, to eat breakfast, and brush his teeth--that is a lot. We fix the lunch and backpack the night before. We find his shoes and coat, and pick out an outfit and set them out together. We decide the night before what he is eating for breakfast, and verify that everything needed for that is ready.

The goal is no decisions and no searching in the mornings.

We try for potentially portable breakfasts in general, but if we know we have to be somewhere early, then we don't even try to get him to eat at home. If it is a very early time sensitive thing in the mornings (like a trip), we will often pack everything into the car the night before that doesn't require refrigeration. We have the left the house carrying his shoes quite often before. He's way past the point where we can just dress him (he proudly showed me his three new chest hairs yesterday--way to make me feel old kid! ), and it is incredibly frustrating at times to both of us. We absolutely cannot yell at him or push him too hard or we'll end up with him crying and refusing to do anything. He doesn't mean to be slow. He isn't trying to be bad. In fact, it doesn't even matter whether it is somewhere he wants to go or somewhere he hates. It's just a fact of life.

My son age 12 has almost the same diagnosis with generalized anxiety with obsessive qualities thrown in.

Some things that worked for us were making a list of steps to take before and after school. He would forget what he was supposed to be doing and when I would walk by and see him engaged in another activity, I just reminded him to check the list.

Reward time built in for finishing early, some time to watch videos on you-tube, play games on his phone while waiting for the bus so that encouraged him to stay on task.

As for the negativity towards school, I agree with the other posters, that remedying the stress at school related to overstimulation, sensory issues, social demands, skills deficits with appropriate modifications in his IEP have gone a long way to reducing the negativity.

Also, much of his negativity was related to obsessional anxious thoughts and catastophizing every event. So some CBT therapy and medication has helped reduce that as well.

Time is also a big factor. At 8, my son was still like a 5 or 6 year old in his developmental skills. At 12, he is more like a 9 or 10 year old and much more self-sufficient.

As for the prompting, well, at our house, that is still happening at 12. Just last night, I had to send him back to the shower, because he didn't wash his hair (it wasn't even wet).
Me: hugs child and notices hair is dry after shower, "Did you wash your hair"
Child: "yes I did wash my hair"
Me: Did you use soap and water?
Child: "well no, I used the towel and rubbed it clean"
Me: Can you please go back into the shower and use shampoo and water on your hair like you have been taught?
Stomps back to bathroom growling under breath.

I will second rewards. And third them. We reward everything and set everything up with rewards built in.

In the morning, while getting ready for school, we have a number of small rewards built in. I have explained to DS that I know school is really, really hard for him but that he has to go because he will need it later (we have a long, ongoing discussion about "keeping doors open" per Temple Grandin)

So, when he gets up after the alarm goes off, he can crawl in bed with us and snuggle until my alarm goes off. If he gets his clothes on before the snooze alarm goes off, he can crawl back in for another snuggle (he came up with that one himself.) After eating breakfast, getting himself completely ready for school (shoes on, backpack and lunch packed, etc.) he can have 2 short videos on YouTube (we have some channels that we've tagged that he is allowed to watch.

When he was smaller, Bombaloo suggested giving him a small square of bubble wrap for the car ride to school. That in itself got us through 5th grade.

We have a "family contract" that lists all of our expectations along with the rewards (and there are some consequences as well.) It hangs on the wall in his room.

Agree that rewarding compliant, cooperative behaviour works for us. Our DS (5) likes encouragement and absolutely crumbles if he feels he is being criticised or getting in trouble. So we really try not to do that unless he has really done something that warrants it. In the mornings, before preschool, he tries to delay, defer and procrastinate (apparently all the kids there are annoying him, so he doesn't like to go at the moment), but I just encourage him through each step. Lots of "good job", "so helpful" etc... When he asks to do something/get something that he can't I'll try to word it differently, where possible, so that he doesn't lose it. So if he asks for a game, I'll say "sure, as soon as you have done..." rather than "no, you have to do..." Of course this means we all need to be up in plenty of time to be able to get ready and have some rec time too. This is what works for us, mornings are not trouble free but run a lot smoother than they used to.
Agree 100% with everyone, keep trying to find some solutions to make the school situation more bearable.
Good luck. The times we have had real problems at home in the mornings have been difficult. It's crappy to feel tired and worn out before the day even begins properly, hope things get easier for you all.

Thank you.