Really Need Help With 20 yr old son who Lives With Dad

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I really need some advice on how to help my son. He lives with his father who has tried very hard to poison him against me. It didn't work, but dad is still feeding son's anger. When I try to be a parent dad will say he'll go along, but he doesn't follow through.

The house my son grew up in has to be sold. Dad told him without my knowledge. Dad told him he didn't know where they would move to. Son is freaked out. He gets angry at everything. Stays up until 2:00 and then lights himself on fire or shaves his head.

He has a good therapist but I feel completely helpless. For my son's entire life I have been his rock. Dad had nothing to do with him. Son knows this but is torn.

What can I do to help him?

Maybe some background information would help.

How long has he been living with his dad? Is it because he feels better being in the family home? Given that his dad is selling it, would he be open to living with you, afterwards if that is practical? Alternately does he have friends or siblings he could live with?

He has been living with his Dad since I was terrorized out of the home a year ago last November. He wants to stay there because it's the house he grew up in. He's our only child. He's working with a therapist on social skills, but has no friends right now. He really needs to find a life away from us.
Dad makes it clear he's angry at me. Also - big thing missing, dad was laid off from his job. He takes that out on son and me. I remain calm and NEVER say anything bad about his dad.

I want so to live with me. I can set boundaries and my home is a happy one. I can help him stop from going from zero to 60 at 2:00AM. I miss my smiling, happy son. IT's like he's fallen into a pit and I don't know how to rescue him. Perhaps I can get his therapist to persuade him to move. It would spare him having to watch people go through the house. Right now he says he doesn't want to move.

He also tales him anger out on me. I'm dealing with it pretty well. Not getting angry but explaining that we need to talk about things instead of punishing. He won't watch the academy awards with me "because of the divorce". We're both major film buffs. When I told him I might have some friends over he said I should let him know who they are and maybe he'd come then.

Tears, tears

I am very sorry.

My son (7) loves being at home, and so that why I asked, as I had a feeling your son is the same in that way. Do not take it personally that he chose to stay there. Autistic children(adults) can feel grounded to a place so easily. Also do not take the anger personally, either, right now he is living in chaos and that is very hard for him to process and act on.

Going through the therapist might be a good route. It sounds like a good idea to me. If the therapist thinks it would be better for him to vacate before lookie-loos come, then maybe he can convince him it would be more stabilizing for him to live with you. The faster he is stabilized the better for everyone.

I'll just add that, while I can swallow my feelings so I can be a calm, practical presence for my son, it takes its toll on me. I'm pretty depressed about my feelings of helplessness.

I know this will sound really "out there", but sometimes I truly believe that ex-husband wants son to commit suicide. It took dad a long time to respond to son lighting his leg on fire. Son had 3rd and 2nd degree burn on his calf. A big scar.

Thanks, ADSMommy...

I know you're right. The therapist is probably the way to go. I guess I'm just having such a bad day. Thank you.

Yikes, that is horrible. I would definitely tell the therapist so he knows it is not a safe environment.

Anyone who uses their children to settle scores, is deplorable.

It is difficult to know for sure what exactly is happening here, however this needs to be resolved by dialogue.

I doubt I can help you with anything else, but of course he's freaked out. Being forced to move out of the house he's grown up in would be a much greater trauma for him than anything you can imagine if you aren't on the spectrum. If I have to buy a new toothbrush holder, I'm freaked out if it isn't identical to the old one, because it disrupts my day for weeks, possibly even months. Extrapolate that to an entire house, new neighbourhood, etc. It is the equivalent of a hydrogen bomb landing on his routine. If he's always lived in this house, or at least as long as he can remember, then it is the only place he knows. Even at the age of 20, when I was more flexible than I am now, that would have disrupted my life for a number of years into the future. So no wonder he's freaked out, angry, and upset. I think at that age, I would probably have tried to kill myself rather than face such an upheaval.

I talked to a friend of mine who suggested that I get my son out of his father's house ASAP. He won't want to move, but I hope with the help of his therapist we can convince him to move within a few weeks.

When my son burned himself, his father dumped him at my house. This was before I had any idea what had really happened. Dad said he had work to do. So I took him to the ER, and my son stayed with me for 3 weeks. He was so happy. I really wanted him to stay then, but he had to go back.

Maybe as as Aspie, we can help him with the change and tell him it will be easier not having to keep him room looking show room clean and knowing people are looking around. He has to make a break and maybe as an Aspie it will be easier for him just to move to a place he already knows.

Keeping fingers crossed. Thanks for listening. It's awful to feel so helpless. Bad day.

wow to The Wanderer. I'm so angry at his dad for telling him with no plan. He knows my house and I bought the same bed and sheets. He was happy there. I think we can get through it. I hope I hope.

His dad sounds like an idiot with no idea how to deal with him - I agree getting him out of there isn't a bad idea. It's just that such a level of change - especially with no idea where he's going - is going to freak him out. Reading your later post gives me more information. If he's stayed with you for three weeks and was okay with that, then that's pretty obviously the best option he has. I can understand why he stayed where he's living now - as I say, any change is a huge issue - but getting him out of the hands of the clueless idiot (heck, in my opinion, I'd say treating him like that crosses the line into abusive) is surely a good idea. Since living at your place is at least something he has a little familiarity with, and gets him away, it seems like a win / win.

Thanks to everyone who answered my question. I have a new one that really has me depressed and I REALLY don't know what to do. I'm going to start a new thread. I know I'll sound nuts after this.