My Brother is tool critical of his HFA son

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His son is 4 and when I see them, my brother is so over bearing at times. The poor kid can't even peel a banana by himself without my brother directing him. He has to peel it a certain way, can't eat the bruised parts....son dont do this, dont do that, do it like this, do it like that, and my bro's reasoning is that if he doesn't say anything, his son will get hurt. And that is based in reality, his son doesn't quite know his boundaries and can put himself in dangerous positions.

I keep thinking though, that with a boy who is obsessive and compulsive, my brother's behavior is gonna make his son's behavior even worse. I'm thinking a kid who's already gonna obsess on how to precisely peel a banana, will only become worse if he's not allowed to "play around" with things, figure out how to do things his way.

My brother is just like my father, who is without a doubt an aspie. But my father and my brother never got help, have never been in therapy, whereas my other brother and I have been to therapy, and both of us are way more relaxed around our kids. Grated, none of our kids are HFA, they're eccentric, and obsessive and compulsive and super smart and all that....but my brother with the HFA son definitely has a struggle that we don't, but I want to shake him some times....tell him to f*ing relax, back off his son.......

I guess I'm just ranting.....

Before I got the paragraph where you said "My brother is just like my father, who is without a doubt an aspie." I was already decided that your brother sounded like he was on the spectrum too.

How receptive would your brother be to getting tested?

You say yourself and your other brother have been to therapy..are you both on the spectrum too?

Maybe as his brother, you could point out to him ways where he should try to do better, and to get assessed for ASC?

You don't doubt that he loves him though?
This is hard because i was definitely like that when my eldest was little (he's 14 now)... I was hypervigilant, and always seemed stressed and on his case, I'm sure. These days i appear more relaxed, but probably only because I've learnt to hover less and let things naturally happen... but that took some time.
Around other friends and family, I was even worse. Sometimes I feel like unless you live with my boys they are pretty full- on and I was always worried that they made others uncomfortable with their more hmmm.... boisterous behaviours. And yes, i was always worried they would do something to hurt themselves or someone else.
Anyway, my advice. If you feel like you need to say something, make it nice. As you said, your brother is struggling with things that you don't, be mindful of that. If one of my sisters ever told me to "f*ing relax, and back off " I can't even tell you how upset that would make me. So, maybe you could offer to watch his son, and model some of the behaviour that you think he should show towards his son... give him a bit of a break and he may be able to relax a little. He may see you being more relaxed with his son and realise that he doesn't always need to be averting every stuff up, directing every movement.
I think you care very much about both of them, but this needs to go slowly, slowly in my opinion. And you are right that parenting kids who are eccentric, obsessive and compulsive (not clinically, i guess) and super smart is not the same as the experience your brother has of parenting... i say that because my NT kids who are all the things you mentioned really are easy, compared to their brothers... and i do find it easy to relax around them.
I hope this didn't come across as harsh, I do understand your perspective... and I wish you luck in helping your brother relaaaaaaax It will benefit both of them.

I'm going to add that in the early stages sometimes you do have to orchestrate things to prevent meltdowns...not all meltdowns but at least some of them. It is not healthy for a child's brain to be in constant meltdown mode. So sometimes you have to behave in what looks like controlling way in order to avoid constant meltdown. Then later, as the child learns to handle triggers better you can ease up and go with the flow more. That could be part of what is going on. I do not know. Just a thought, anyway.

DH and I have this fight constantly (I often get accused of helicoptering.) Now that DS is 12, he's seeing that often, I am reacting to things he didn't anticipate, and that DS is better off for my hovering. DS does, in point of fact, have OCD tendencies (gets them from me and my side of the family) but those tend to get worse when he's unsupported, not better.

The key is that now DS is able to do things we were about to give up on: tie shoes, ride a bike, walk to a friend's house on his own. For a long time, DH was afraid I was never going to let my son do anything on his own, now that we have the 1/3 his age rubric, he realizes I am usually compensating correctly for his delay and allowing him to grow at his own pace. He does provide a good balance for me, though - I am glad to have a partner looking at things from another point of view.

So, would you consider the things your brother is doing inappropriate for a 2 year old? From what you wrote, it seems like your brother is compensating appropriately for a delay (most two year olds WANT to peel a banana on their own, but get frustrated because they don't quite have the skills to do so.)

Also note - parents aren't perfect. You have to look at the big picture. There are probably times when I crossed the line for DS (and so did my husband in the other direction.) Overall, though, we seem to be doing OK.

Thank you guys very much for your responses. My brother definitely struggles, and his son is can definitely be difficult, and I know he loves his boy. And his wife is very patient, mommy is super good. She'll get scratched up and she remains calm. And yes, they love their son, he's a sweetie:) It is hard whether or not I can say anything, we have a hierarchy in my family, me being the youngest, I dont really give advice to my older brothers, it's weird that it's that way..... But, if he's acting appropriately, maybe he needs to helicopter a bit, than thats okay.

I guess when I'm around really overbearing parents, it's like nails on a chalkboard sometimes, talking it out in this post though, I feel bad for judging. But it's still hard to be around.

My son is sensitive, smart, and a little OCD, and massively shy at first, and then warms up. I'm thinking he's probably not on the spectrum. My therpaist said I have asperger traits, and might be on the spectrum, but he steers me away from being actually diagnosed, it's like being diagnosed without the paperwork lol.

I'll talk to him when I see him next, keep it really nice.

I'll tell you what I really appreciate: when family members or friends can listen to me, and when I ask, provide examples of what works for them in a specific, similar situation (like what we do here on the parent board at WP.) I don't know if your brother talks to you, but you might want to let him know that you understand how hard it is to be a parent and that you are there for him.

My son does not pick up social cues well. That is true whether they be non-verbal gestures or tones of voice. He can detect some vocal tones, but not many. The only thing I know for sure he can detect is yelling, which is more of a dislike for high volume than detecting a tone. If someone raises her voice to him he will say she "sounds mean" or ask why the person is yelling.

That said I find calm, moderate volume speech the most effective because I think the emotional aspect of language is confusing. I try to keep any corresponding emotional aspects of my speech to a minimum especially when I really want him to understand what I am saying. I don't know if this is holding him back from learning or not, but I do try to point out others tones when it is not a charged situation. (Like if when it involves other people on TV) It does not appear to be helping us right now, so he may just not be ready to understand yet.

Not all HFA/Aspergers kids are alike and some are better at this than others. My son is very delayed in this regard. Not all HFA/Aspergers kids are. They may however also misinterpret tones and gestures and confuse frustration with anger and so forth.

Basically, your results may vary.

Yep - my son is the opposite, he's like an emotional barometer. Problem is, he is only just now learning to distinguish between his own feelings and other people's.

Here's the problem: your brother probably KNOWS he's stressed and tense and is doing his best to hide it. I hear what you are saying - but I don't know that telling him that without having some kind of solution for it is helpful.

With DH, we did at one point try strategizing things like getting him a break to go to the local golfing range and take some of his stress out there. I also work with him to re-frame things - and THAT might be helpful for your brother. For instance, you say he says "he might get hurt" you could say "you know, those childhood bumps and bruises that are normal for all kids must be really, really stressful when you've got a special needs child who might react unexpectedly. I can see where that might be stressful." (Obvs, you're going to want to use less pedantic language, but that's just how I am sometimes.) YKWIM? Pointing out stress or its symptoms is kind of like telling an insomniac "geez, it's really late - shouldn't you try sleeping?"

Something like that sounds like a good idea - and then, maybe, if he's open to it, some brainstorming on what to do about it.