How to get my NT parents to stop fighting about money?

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I awoke this morning at four to my parents arguing over money. I wish I could do something to make it where they can work together to devise a plan, but their neurotipicial minds are always accusing each other , the way the argument is more about "You did this, and that." Instead of my family actually coming together and working on a solution. How can I get them to think about the situation logically rather then just point fingers at each other?

Last edited by GreenTechnoFox on 15 Mar 2013, 9:21 am, edited 1 time in total.

Probably by YOU faking some emotion, oddly enough.

Tell them you're sick and tired of hearing them fight about money. Tell them it's time they sat down and rationally devised a plan to solve the problem. Maybe even you writing out some possible ideas of ways to solve the problem, and then they will see how important this is to you.

This is a rough spot, for sure. As an NT, I know that we look ridiculous to people who lean more on the rational side of things. This might be one of those times where you show how the aspie side of life has an advantage -- taking emotion completely out of the equation and getting some serious thought accomplished.

I see, well I suppose I do not need to be too angry in this endeavor, my father will often loose it and start resorting to profanity. I need to be stern and calm, yet show the seriousness of this situation. I am twenty one now and it is high time I start influencing our households decision making as the neutral voice of reason and compromise. While I will admit I have let my emotions get the better of me, (as in meltdowns at school,) I try to see things on the logical side. The problem I face often is my sense of logic stems form my own hidden perception found in my subconscious, this often is not what is fact, but what I presume is fact.

Are you a parent of an aspie?

First rational thing would be to create a paylist. So everyones writes absolutely everything until the last cent down, that he needs to spend money. Important is that there is no "against each other", it is simply about creating a list that gives all of you the opportunity to discuss where all of you can save money. Often these lists show oppurtunities to easily save money without effort, because there are often small efforts we do every day, and we dont remember them, but when you count it up to a month you see a great potential of money to save. (Simple example: Buying a tin of coke everyday in an automate at work for 1$ instead of buying it in the supermarket and storing it at home 0,50$ - 20 working days * 0,50$ = 10$/month = 120$/year saved without any effort or loss of habbits.) Find ten such small nonsense stuff and you are up to saving 1200$ in the year.

How do we get the OP to stop making nasty and over-assuming generalizations about people?

I saw a news real once about money being the top thing that couples fight over. This is usually due to their expense being greater than their income. I have always tried to stay out of my parent's relationship because they were together before their had me and so their relationship is not something I was meant to "fix" or keep going. Even as an adult, I tried to stay neutral because I love both of my parents.

I don't know your life story, but when I was 21, I was in college and I worked part time. I also paid the light bill. This wasn't a huge contribution when you take in the cost of supporting a household, but that was all I could afford at the time. Eventually, I graduated and was able to pay "rent" until I finally moved out.

Are you financially contributing to the household? If not, is there anything that you can contribute (making them lunch to carry to work, cooking dinner so they don't have to buy take out, etc) that could lessen the financial strain that they are under?

I understand they need space, but this is getting out of hand.

I am 21 and still in High School, (I passed all my core classes at age 18, but I was offered a chance to attend Cisco Networking courses at a tech school, and since I am in special ed they said I could stay until I am 22. I sort of cheated the system by using it to get more education on the side from my main courses instead of having me to catch up in my core classes. )

I want to help pay off the bills, but I currently lack a job. The problem is my mother spends money on Coca Cola and my father spends some of his on tobacco. They also watch Netflix allot. I believe it is a fiscal spending problem at our house. Both my parents get paid on the same week every other week so they have to spread out income.

I would be careful. A lot of parents would not like a household dependent helping them budget. There are likely to be ego issues. Is one of your parents easier to talk to than the other? I would really approach it from the "it upsets me when you fight" perspective vs. the "If you managed your money better, you wouldn't be fighting so much" perspective. If you approach it from the "helping budget" perspective, I would suggest you talk only about what you are willing to cut back on, not what you think your parents should do without. They are not likely to be happy with being told what they should not buy. If you have an opening where they show they are receptive, then great. But I would tread carefully.

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 15 Mar 2013, 3:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

5 words
Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University

Ask them to take it and end the fighting. Also take it yourself. So that way when you meet that special someone , you don't have the money fights.

I totally agree with this. Once I started working, I always though it was incredibly rude for anyone (apart from my husband) to make any comment about how I spend the money that I WORKED FOR. I could not imagine my children telling me how I should spend MY money. However, if my children came to me with suggestions of what they are willing to give up or how they are willing to contribute to the household, I am 100% willing to listen. Even though you are in high school, you are a legal adult. You are not too young to look around and see how you can contribute to reducing the expense of the house hold, or, contribute financially to the household.

My husband did the Cisco network certification so I am familiar with the course load. I think working part-time in a computer store would be good real work experience for you (since I assume you are doing this so that you can work in the future). If would also give you some extra cash to cover at least one of the household bills.

I see, well I could sell my game consoles. I have tried to sell them, but my mother said no. I am worried my parents will let their pride consume them in this matter.

I might start something like that. My main goal is I want to work in security of the networks, yet I do not believe I am intelligent enough for such a goal.

Selling your game console will give you money one time. That money is no where close to running a house for a month, not even a week (in my case). Think of something that will earn money on a weekly basis. Your interest is in computers. My husband use to fix computers or set up networks for home and small business while he was working and in school (he has a BS in IT and of course works in networking). There is a lot of demand for that now.

Start with something small that you can manage, you don't have to jump head first into being a network engineer, you can start really really small. Print some flyers and hang then up in the library, church, community center, supermarket, etc. Think of what you can do and build on it. Use this situation with your folks as an example of why you need to earn your money. Set really small goals and once you have accomplished it, make your goal a little bigger. There are a lot of not so smart people in IT (I know because I work with some of them) but what they don't have in smarts, they have in work ethic. They try and try and try until they solve problems. Please don't feel that you need to be a genius in order to accomplish your goal.

You can't do anything about them fighting about money. They will see it as none of your business and probably tell you to stay out of it. You can do something about them fighting about money where you can hear them though. Tell them that it bothers you to hear them fight about it and that you would like to do something to help the situation if you can, but if they are going to fight then to please do so in private where you can't hear them.

It's not as easy to manage money in a family situation as you may think it is. Many times the husband and wife have different ideas about how the money should be spent and how much should be saved. What is a necessity to one may be simply a luxury to the other. I had always heard that money is the number one things couples fight about and for years after I got married I said I would never fight with my husband about it, but now that our kids are older and we need more money than what is coming in and old age and retirement are much closer now than they were 26 years ago, we fight about money.

I would seriously advise you to stay out of the money situation in any way except to offer to cut back on what you can and to ask them to keep the fighting away from you.

This is a hot-button issue, and it would be hard for the OP to interact with their parents in a way the parents would view as appropriate, because nobody likes to talk about money problems.

OP, you asked if I was the parent of an aspie, and yes, I am the parent of TWO aspies, one is 16 and the other is 26.

I think the concept of offering, at the very least, to get a job and pay into the housing "pool" of money is a good idea. You could say that you want to contribute, and realize that you should help with the problem if you are so bothered by the fighting. As a parent, I would be fairly impressed by this offer to get a job (more impressed if you actually went through with it and actually GOT a job) and would also feel weird about making you feel so bad that you had to go out and get a job in an attempt to get the fighting to decrease.

Schleppenheimer makes a good point there. I would also like to add, that you should be prepared for different possible reactions as well. Because money is a very touchy subject, people can react to money issues in weird ways. Your parents might be very grateful for the help, or despite the maturity of it, might get defensive and feel so bad about the situation, that they lash out.

One parent might react differently than the other. I still think it is worth making the offer to get a job. Don't sell your console/games because as was already stated, that is a one time thing and won't help with regular cash flow issues. If they still don't want you to contribute to household expenses, you can still cover a lot of your own expenses, which would still help them.

You can't make them not fight about money, and the fact that they are blaming each other may mean that they are not really fighting about money, but about something else. At least that was the way it was with my marriage.

I don't know if there is anything you can do. It really isn't your place as a child, adult or not.

You could say to both of them "I heard you fighting over money last night. It woke me up. It worries me. I will sell my game consoles and give you the money."

This will not accomplish making them stop fighting. Nor will it solve their money troubles. But it will probably make them more mindful of fighting so that you can hear them.

Perhaps I am jaded due to my own history, but getting them to stop fighting so that you can hear them might be all you can get right now.