choosing not to speak - 3 years old

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One of my three years old twins will spend the whole morning not speaking (also when he feels that he has been scolded or I am saying no, he will not speak) . I do think that he is capable of speaking (he normally does speak very well and is very articulate) and I do not think it is selective mutism (which is the non ability to speak, as I understand it). He is fully capable of non verbal communication and I do not need him to speak, we get things done (I think I speak to him, but I haven't really considered it).

I don´t see it as a problem, I was the same as a child. I would spend the whole morning not speaking and I newer spoke to strangers for years and years and hardly ever spoke in school. I remember it as if I was fully capable of speaking but felt an intense adverse feeling in doing so (nobody ever expected me to be on the spectrum - even though i did not talk, stacked things, had extremely strong special interests etc

I am just wondering, is this normal behavior?? will NT children often behave like this?

The twins are only three but I am looking into the possibility that they (one or both) have AS like me. Better to know early on.
I am not going to judge them from the mutistic behavior, I am just looking for telltale signs. I find this behavior normal as I was the same, but it might not be?

Look up Selective Mutism. That is what it sounds like to me. It can be painful and it is just simply not choosing not to speak. Also look further into it than wikipedia - it sounds so cut and dry there and there is so much more to it. For instance reading Aspergirls by Rudy Simone is bang on how it presents in my life. It presents differently for those on the spectrum.

Quoted:

Particularly in young children, SM can sometimes be confused with an autism spectrum disorder, especially if the child acts particularly withdrawn around his or her diagnostician, which can lead to incorrect treatment. Although autistic people may also be selectively mute, they display other behaviors—hand flapping, repetitive behaviors, social isolation even among family members (not always answering to name, for example)—that set them apart from a child with selective mutism. People with higher-functioning autism may be selectively mute due to anxiety in social situations that they do not fully understand. If mutism is entirely due to autism spectrum disorder, it cannot be diagnosed as selective mutism as stated in the last item on the list above.

So if your child is on the spectrum - it isn't really called Selective mutism.. but I think looking into it can be beneficial for you. It was for me.

That sounds like me as a child and partly as an adult. I do not remember it as a problem as a child (or painful), I just did not like to talk and probably did not understand what was going on socially. As I got older/teenager it became a problem. Sometimes I am surprised by the things that I thought was normal - I am probably more autistic than I thought

I will look into selective mutism (and not on wikipedia .

My NT 4yo sometimes does this. When she is upset she will get very quiet, and this child can TALK!! She WONT talk when she is upset. Also, at school she is very quiet. She will talk, but she is very soft spoken and reserved at school. At home and pretty much everywhere else she is loud, outgoing, etc...she will talk to just about anyone in my presence. She will play with kids in waiting rooms while we wait at the Dr or for my son to get out of Karate, etc...but in school she just parallel plays with the kids. When I see in the other settings, she is fully interacting, following their leads or making up games to play. It is perplexing cause she is so outgoing and friendly, but at school she is the opposite. While she fits in fine, follows routine there, participates when asked, follows the rules, etc...she is very timid and quiet there, and I do see that side when she is very upset. I have also thought selective mutism. I recall not talking to people in school for a long time. I was shy and introverted though, she seems such the opposite. Maybe its just a tendancy?

I have then thought maybe she is very stressed or anxious at school, but she looks forward to going, when she comes out she starts chatting and telling me about everything and how much fun she had. So, why is she so quiet there when she is so LOUD everywhere else???

Anyhow, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

I don't think there are any ASD issues going on with her, but of course having one child on the spectrum anything that doesn't fall into the cookie cutter mold makes me think...

When DD gets quiet, I try not to press the issue with her. I never try to force her to speak or get annoyed. I just try to offer support and tell her that when she is ready I will listen to her and help her feel better. She always comes around!

Ohh.. I talked constantly at home. I just shut up when leaving the house

I do not really remember well why I did it. I think that I probably had no clue what was going on and I just watched the other people talk. I know that I sometimes knew that an answer was requested (when somebody asked about my name) but sometimes I think that I just watched them and did not understand that I should answer or talk.

If I'm stressed enough, I can't speak.

That is what I was talking about when I suggested selective mutism

Same here, though I can often manage very short responses (one or two words).

I didn't realize I couldn't speak in those cases when I was very young, though... I wasn't speaking, but I didn't want to either, so it felt like it was my choice. I realized I couldn't much later on, when I needed to speak, and tried, and it didn't work...

As far as I know, I am NT, but when I am upset/highly emotional then it is like the verbal part of my brain just shuts down. I can talk, but I can't say anything or answer questions right or explain myself at all.

My son with AS is very similar. He really struggles to talk when upset/anxious/angry etc.

However, neither of us goes totally silent during those times. It is just harder.

I really do think what the OP is talking about is different or more so and is likely selective mutism or something like that.

Different how? I'm not sure we're thinking of the same thing. I do go almost completely silent, and used to go completely silent... either when very stressed, when dealing with certain people, or in some situations. Anxiety is a factor, so is familiarity (with the people and the situation), and so is who I'm dealing with (there are some people I just can't seem to talk to very well, for reasons that are hard to pin down). My point before was just that I didn't feel mute in those situations until I felt like I really needed to speak and couldn't... otherwise it just felt like I couldn't think of anything to say.

No, selective mutism means they can speak, but won't. Usually due to severe social anxiety.

Sorry... but no.

Definition:
Selective mutism (SM) is a psychiatric disorder in which a person who is normally capable of speech is unable to speak in given situations or to specific people.

It is a can't speak - not a won't. I have to type when I can't speak from an overload of emotions or anxiety. I can try all I want to and nothing comes out. Typing takes a different part of the brain to communicate, that is why non verbal people can speak so eloquently on forums and write books.

I don't know. Sometimes the line between "can't" and won't" is not so clear, even to the (non)speaker. I was a very talkative child most of the time. There were some instances though, where I should have spoke up about things and it felt like I physically couldn't, but even now I don't really know. It wasn't always things that an NT would pick up on as anxiety. Sometimes it was embarrassment (over things an NT would not be embarrassed by) or I would want to ask permission for something but I was afraid I would be told "no" so I would either decide on my own to do it or not, and then of course get into trouble later if I did it because I did not ask. But it was not the same as deciding not to ask. I could not get the words out although I felt like I was trying.

No one ever would have diagnosed me as having selective mutism, but these behaviors (feelings) were very rare. It might happen only 2 or 3 times a year, max. I would guess that you could have the same issues, but it be more frequent and for longer periods, though.

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 08 Apr 2013, 3:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think that there has been some very valid points in this post. I am getting more educated on my self, as these are things that I have never considered (I have always thought that they were normal). I thought that selective mutism should be understood as voluntarily mutism, that is how i understood the word, but I was wrong - live and learn.

I remember it as if I, most of the time, chose not to speak, all those strangers asking things (often my name etc.) I just did not consider them part of my world and could see no reason to talk with them (I probably lacked quite a lot of social skills - and still do ) I might have been confusing not able to speak and not wishing to speak as an earlier poster suggested. These feelings were mixed with embarrassment (as stated above), being told no, being told that it was wrong (in school) and what I think was anxiety (I just heard this word a year ago, it does not exist in my language and I am still not certain how much it covers). I did these things often my whole childhood and I am very impressed that my 3 year old will actually sometimes talk other people of his own free will

Well, I consider it normal and so do lots of people around here, but do NT children do this?? will they choose not to talk (often considered the most effective way of communicating)

I have been reading a lot since yesterday, and it seems YES NT kids do this, in fact Autism, Aspergers or PDD diagnosis would rule OUT selective mutism.

It really sounds like my DD when I was reading it, and she is COMPLETELY different then my son who has Aspergers. He never stops talking ever. Anxiety and stress makes him babble even more uncontrollably. When he is in meltdown mode, he can utter one or 2 word phrases, but when she gets upset, she is more like in lockdown, and in school she has the exact behaviors they described for SM.

It cant hurt to look into it. Most kids with SM are diagnosed or display signs by age 3, and I can see this in my child since 3 for sure. She just turned 4.

Read up on it, for me as I was reading it was like, "AH HA" over and over. SHe isn't severe, casue she will whisper to the teachers, but she never talks TO the kids. Even show and tell she turns to the teachers and whispers to them about her object. Then she comes in the car and cant stop talking about her day! Very typical SM.

to the OP, do more reading and researching. There is a lot of good info out there and I feel that once you read more about it you will know. THe one thing that I read over and over is that SM is NOT ASD, and one cannot get SM diagnosis (As per the DSM-IV) if they are diagnosed ASD. There are a few co-morbids, like OCD, Anxiety, etc,... but not ASD.

I am wondering if it is accurate to say that autism rules out SM. Here is something from www.selectivemutismfoundation.org:

Is There a Relationship Between Selective Mutism and Autism?

This statement seems to suppose that all individuals with autism have limited language ability. Clearly this is not true. I would think that an otherwise verbal autie/aspie could experience selective mutism.

My daughter becomes mute at times. She has said "the words can't get to my mouth" or "I don't know" when I have asked her why she doesn't speak. Sometimes when it happens, she will write in the air for me. It is always when she is very overstimulated and is often a part of her shutdowns (as opposed to meltdowns...she becomes...well....blank. Her face, her voice, her body. She just completely retreats into herself."

Regarding not speaking for a whole morning, some kids need a long time to transition between sleep and wakefulness. My son has decreased verbalization for about the first 30 minutes he is up, unless he woke up on his own. You can't get anything more than a 1-2 word utterance from him.

I once had a coworker who's son had serious selective mutism. I spent an entire afternoon with him and he did not say a word, no matter what tactic I employed. That being said, he did not show a single sign of autism, either. Just mute. But I guess he never stopped talking at home. He had been in the same nursery for years, and they had yet to hear him speak.