Can't play with his NT stepdaughter

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Hi,
My partner(AB) says that my 6 year old (NT) daughter doesn't interest him and so can not play with her. They have very little interaction. For a while this seemed fine as I was used to being a single mother and doing everything with her myself but now after a couple years it is wearing very thin. He says he feels like he is lying if he pretends to play and doesn't want her to one day realise he's being false. I understand this but at her age now she just thinks he doesn't like her. I'm feeling more and more pressure to play with her to cover his attitude and lack of interest and its tiring me out. I feel guilty sometimes for not giving her a stepdad figure who will play and is interested in her.
I would ideally like another child sometime and as I love my daughter to bits I want some advice about what to do to strengthen their bond. Has anyone else had issues with this kind of thing?
Also, when he has done something with the both if us that I would consider playing, (making a pretend volcano eruption) he says it was unsuccessful as she did not learn what he taught. I have since told him that it was successful in both my eyes and my 6 year olds as he spent time interacting with us. He refuses to believe this may be the case. He is adamant there is no way forward and there is nothing he can do.
It's making me feel angry.
Any advice, ideas, help?

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I don't have time for a lengthy post (sorry) but I think the first thing he needs to come to understand is that as a parent, you do not do things for your comfort or benefit. You do things for the benefit of the child. I would say that 50% of the time that I am "playing" with my kids, I'd really rather be doing something else. But that doesn't mean I am lying or being dishonest. The honest truth is that I want my kids to feel loved and I will do whatever it takes to make them feel that way, including playing games I am not interested in. No grown up is truly interested in playing a child's game. We do it for the kid, not the fun of the game.

This is probably not what you want to hear, but if he does not like children, he probably should not be having them or live in a household with someone else's kid. My dad did not like children, and it was pretty apparent. Someone who does not like kids (not the same as deciding not to have them---you can change your mind on that, depending on your reason, though it should not be counted on) is probably not going to change his opinion and all of a sudden like them. My SIL married someone who did not like kids and it was a disaster. They ended up divorcing with him signing away all rights to their child, that she browbeat him into having.

What about when he was a kid? AS kids aren't that different from NT kids - they still want adults to spend time with them and show an interest in them (even if the activities may be different). Ask him about the adults he really liked as a kid, and what it was about them that he liked. That could give him ideas about how to form a bond with his stepdaughter.

I found "playing" with my children very difficult when they were little too. I would have to force myself, which ties in with what InThisTogether said, "as a parent, you do not do things for your comfort or benefit. You do things for the benefit of the child."

I found that setting a timer really helped me. I would play whatever they wanted for X amount of time, and even if it was painful for me I would keep at it with every ounce of cheerfulness and patience I could muster until the timer rang.

I was much more comfortable with structured activities rather than just free play, like playing a board game, reading a story, doing a puzzle, building a Lego set or making a craft together. This is a form of playing and every bit as good for the kids as imaginative play, which your partner just may not have in him to do.

It also sounds like your partner may need help in buying into the idea of the value in play. Would he be willing to read some books or articles you could provide him on the subject?

Have you explained to your daughter that your partner has AS, and therefore playing can be difficult or unpleasant for him? 6 years old seems old enough to start understanding this. Maybe with your help the two of them could brainstorm some activities that they could do enjoyably together. What are your partner's interests? Maybe there is some common ground to be found.

I dont know how deep he is in the spectrum. As I have already read in the thread here, the common thought is "Does not want to spent time with xyy = does not like xyz."

My mom is not officially diagnosed, still she seems to be in the spectrum too. We rarely never did play together or such things. As a teenager I was really surprised, that there are families, where it is usual to play with each other as kids/parents. I could not understand, why I should be interested playing games with adult ones, and also thought there is no sense to play kid games with kids as adults. But absolutely never would I have thought because of that, that my mom wouldnt love me. I knew she loved me, but that never meant for me, that she had to do things she doesnt like, just to comfort me. (as long as it is about gaming and so on, so sure she did cooking and everything)

I understand meanwhile the importance of this comforting for NTs. Still it its a big problem for me after 10 hours of exhausting work and driving, to be expected to work on as an actress, lying to people that I am fresh and happy, enjoying their presence and the things that we do together. I cant do that every day. I have tried and it led to extreme underweight and a nervous breakdown. Which is pretty normal if you try to work 17 hours a day without pause.

If its only about being around her or doing something together with her, maybe he could try to play games and activities with her, that are less about talking? So I liked to bicycle with my parents, where you normally cant speak that much while driving, or playing card games that needs concentration or memory games and such things with other normal kids. If its so important for him, that he sees a use from his doing with her, playing memory helps to learn to memorize for example.

Maybe this was a way, that she could be comforted by doing something together with him, and he would not get to exhausted by it by being forced to act as "funny NT-father"?

In our house, my husband is the one who 'plays' with our daughter. I do other stuff with her, e.g. art & crafts, jigsaws, reading, homework, etc. But, when my husband has eaten his dinner, he spends the rest of the evening playing with her, in the sense meant by the OP, i.e. with shops, Transformers, Lego, etc. I get bored within seconds and can't think of anything good to say or do, so I'm a rubbish playmate anyway. But, I'm great with Playdoh, Spirograph, drawing, doing stuff on the computer, etc. It works fine and our daughter is happy with the set up. Can't you encourage him to do the sort of things I do? He's obviously not comfortable with playing, like me. I'm sure he could find something that they could do together.

Sounds like, also, he does not have appropriate expectations of your daughter's developmental level or abilities. My son is like this: he calls all babies and toddlers "stupid" even though he's starting to warm to them.

Many people on the spectrum like to approach problems via research...but you need to keep in mind that the normal books on child development are very much geared towards NTs and are very touchy-feely. He might get more out of information slanted towards medical professionals regarding childhood development.

He is probably not ever going to want to drink imaginary tea, but I'd agree that he might be able to do engineering and crafty things. He just needs to understand that at 6 years old, she will not be able to learn the way an 8 or 10 or 14 year old does, but she will get something out of the interaction.

More importantly, it sounds like you could really use some professional help. It strikes me that your partner was not really willing to be a parent and doesn't understand his role in that relationship. I'm not sure how you came to be together without sorting this out completely, but as you are, I think you need someone who understands adults on the spectrum to help you.

I have to be painfully honest with you. Don't force him to be interested in being Daddy to your daughter. She's not his biological daughter. To force them together will only create discomfort, misinterpreted messages and just a breeding ground for destruction...it's just not going to work. It will be worse for your daughter because she is still developing. He's an adult. He's done. Luckily she's a girl, she needs you. You can both benefit from a large female-only group for activities - maybe girl-scouts? She needs friends to play with - not mom and step-dad. The only use she has for him is "male presence" when you are out in public. They are WAY too different. Don't plant a seed in her head that she needs a father figure, because they are many pedophiles who are up for the job of father and much more which can really destroy a young kid's psyche. Your husband can contribute to her upbringing with just plain everyday "caring" advice like, "Make sure you have your lunch for school!" "Don't eat too, too much candy, it's bad for your teeth and cavities hurt." He can quiz her for her school lessons. There are a lot of little things he can do to make her feel appreciated and respected. For example, I appreciate and respect my boss but I neither like nor love him. He's very necessary for my sanity at work and I do trust him in the professional way but not at a personal or emotional level. I have others for that. He will retire in two months and I know for a fact that I will cry when I say goodbye to him. He had a purpose in my life but I'll forget and get back to reality in two days. Don't force attachment or affection where there is none. I know you would like this but it can't be cultivated. If you stay together, through the years something nice but limited can possibly develope between the two. Accept this. BUT there must be mutual everyday, respect between the two. They must co-habitate. He's your husband not your daughter's father. Step-dad's and Step-mom's were created by the needy. The "one big happy family" is a myth! Some people are just nice. They take on a role (step-dad) because that's the way they are. Don't EXPECT this from your husband. It's not reality. Reality is what you see right in front of your face. Don't be needy and don't teach your daughter to be needy or to think she's nothing without a man - that's where her real problems will begin. She'll grow up with that attitude and will ruin her life searching for the very thing you convinced her that she needs. (which she doesn't). Teach her to be strong and independent. Love her 100 times as much as you already do! Educate her. Protect her. Your needs are not her needs. You need him. She doesn't. Some husbands can't be dads and/or step-dads. That doesn't mean they shouldn't marry. He's there but when it comes to you and your daughter together - you gals are on your own. When she grows up a bit and becomes more into her friends and less into you, you'll understand what I'm ragging on about. Enjoy her now by yourself because NT's don't stick with parents for long. They want to be with their peers. You'll see this after the next 5 years. Those five years are going to fly. You'll wonder where they went.

I whole heartedly endorse every word written in RightGalaxy's post.

This is a very real and increasing phenomenon.

I give a reasonable amount of thought to doing things with my kids as I'm not a 'natural' either and would naturally rather do other things but I know how important it is, so I write myself lists of ideas of what to do with my children and then do those with them.

In your case perhaps you can think of things you would like him to do with your daughter, and write this down for him and ask him to do that. Maybe it would be to take her to the park and push her on the swings. Or teach her to ride a bike. Be quite specific. Then he can look at it like any other task or job and do it.

Also, have you explained to him how important this is to you?

Thank you to all who have replied and with such wise advice as well.
I have been trying over the past few months to introduce some structured games for us. He still won't spend time on his own with her at any time but I might have been able to get him to see a point in play for her.
When he interacts with her at the moment it is mostly to tell her not to do something which is fine but I believe you should balance this with positive reinforcement. He sees her as a problem to fix but she is just a child and not broken. I know with all my heart that he loves her and when she is old enough to communicate on his level they might be able to fashion a relationship but I am worried that she sees him as a father figure and that his behavior may impact her emotional/behavioural (?) growth She still has contact with her birth dad, who is fun and does all sorts of activities with her and his large family. When she comes back to me she complains that we don't feel like a family. How do you explain to her what is going on so she can understand she is loved but we are all different? How do others in the same situation create a family atmosphere for a child. My daughter and I have a very strong bond and she would love to create a bond with her stepdad too.

I believe it is never too early to start having discussions with your kids that encourage them to realize that not everyone is the same and just because someone is not like you, it doesn't make them wrong or bad. Just because her stepdad is not like her dad does not make him wrong. They are simply different people. Just because your family is not like her dad's family does not make your family wrong or bad. I would encourage her to feel blessed....many kids only have one dad, and some kids don't have any. She has two, both who love her, and both who are very different.

At least that's how I generally handle these kinds of things. I want my kids to grow up to be accepting of others, strengths, faults, and all. This is an opportunity for you to help your daughter develop an appreciation of others.

Thanks for checking back in and giving an update.

The first thing you need to do is stop pushing it. If you look for forums of step-parents you will see that the more you PUSH this relationship the worse it will be. I hate to tell you this, but although there are SOME people who can immediately connect with a step-child, some never do. The older the child is, the less they have in common, the more the parent EXPECTS or DEMANDS that this happens, the worse it is. I am not saying this to be mean, but honestly, you will find that even science proves that most step-parents cannot connect to a step-child because it is biologically not "normal". Again, there are MANY exceptions, but the more you push, the worse it will be.

PS - I would not be thinking about having other children if this issue bothers you so much. If you can accept that she is your child and that the most you can hope is they have a cordial relationship, great...if not, I can assure you that when he has a child with you, he WILL feel much more connected to that child and your resentment will grow.


Good luck. This has nothing to do with AS and MUCH to do with blended families.

I don't disagree with anything you said - except this statement. It is inaccurate; there are all kinds of ways children can be brought into a family that aren't biological and while there can be challenges, those challenges can be overcome. After all, every family starts with a set of parents who are (I desperately hope) not biologically related.