Just...ugh

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I had a meeting with my four year old's school Thursday. They've been very concerned with his behavior, and the meeting was to go over some of their concerns and get my permission to do some educational type testing. Honestly I am very tempted to say forget this and just go for a real eval to get a final answer. They had done a screening and were going over the results. All through the meeting, I was feeling frustrated, because it was over and over things like, "We're concerned about his fine motor skills. See here, he could only stack five blocks in a tower and couldn't copy a pyramid." He could build a tower of 12 one inch cubes before he was two and has continued from there. He can look at the cards in his Angry Birds building set and perfectly copy complex designs.

I wasn't very happy, because I know he can do so much better than he did. I am not at all surprised that he didn't, though. He is not very good at cooperation with doing these kinds of tasks on command. It is still frustrating.

Then before I could get out of the building after the meeting, they caught me to take him home early again. He was pushing, shoving, generally being naughty. Then he broke away from the teacher while his class and another were lined up on opposite walls of the hall and rammed his elbow into another little boy.

So just...ugh.

I don't know what is going on with him or what the best course of action is, and just needed to vent a bit.

I hope you clued the school in on what your son's capable of. the problem, i'm sure you realize, is behavioral and not intellectual.

i'm no behavioral expert, but my nephew used to hit his sister until he realized hitting would result in his not being allowed to paly baseball, which he loved. if simple measures like this don't work, i'd seek expert help.

In my daughters kindergarten class the teacher treated me like a leper. My daughter was "way behind her classmates" in the ability to copy and write letters. Didn't "you teach your daughter anything" before she started school?

My daughter did great outside of school but we also never forced her to write when she was not in the mood. She just loved to do it and we encouraged her. At school she had to write when not in the mood - that seems to affect ability greatly. I also feel like it was how the social environment/teachers had her distracted and reacting and she had fluctuating abilities. I did as a child as well. That is what people do not understand about the ASD spectrum. You can have good days and then the next day a very bad day. Or change how you taught her and suddenly ability is out of the window and learning begins again. Teachers were putting it down to parental incompetence and her being lazy. My child is far from lazy. Not to mention I felt very offended for their assertions.

They didn't understand anything about the ASD spectrum - if they did they would have known her issues in proprioceptive areas were the problem - not the lack of what we taught her at home. Some days she could and some days she couldn't. Simple as that.

Hope things get easier for you.

This is so true for my son. I was confused about how to answer some of the questions they kept asking me through all the assessments. "Can he dress himself?" Well yes, he CAN. To me the question should have been, "WILL he dress himself?" Which is of course is a whole other issue. It sounds like your DD is capable of writing she just isn't going to do it in their time frame.

What got the school concerned is that he is not playing with the other kids and he keeps hitting himself in the face. He also picks his lips until they bleed, and he is the world champ of hiding his glasses. This was the first time he had hurt another kid at school. He's mean to his brothers at home, which we go through the standard gamut for. Time out, loss of items, nap time, reward jar for good behaviors, etc. He's my third child, so I do have some idea of how to deal with naughty behavior.

It's the other things that baffle me such as his refusal to cooperate with tasks asked of him. Strange things like refusing to eat soup unless it is red--he doesn't care what flavor it is if we dye it red he'll eat it, other things he will only eat if they are the standard color--like he won't even try purple potatoes even though he loves regular potatoes, the green eggs for Dr. Seuss's birthday were similarly refused. He has a very short list of yellow foods he is willing to eat. The rest are refused, because they are yellow. He is sound sensitive which seems to be getting worse as he gets older. He'll like someone one day and the next they are the worst people in the world and he'll cry at the mention of their name. Yet when we get to their house (after a fit from him not wanting to go) he is fine and has fun. Sometimes he won't even give his brothers or dad a hug (much less extended family--they thought he basically couldn't talk until they asked him about the Angry Birds game he was playing at Christmas. Letting him play was the only way we could get him into their house without a huge fit.) He is sound sensitive, and that seems to be getting worse as he gets older. He gets scared of things like "the woods" (defined as any place with multiple trees, even if we are standing on a road or in someone's yard), the dark, his grandma, other things that change frequently and without notice. He obsesses over things like Angry Birds. (That has gotten a little better. We've got it expanded to Angry Birds merchandise in the real world such as puzzles and blocks, and to where he'll play other games on the computer, and even play with his other toys again--Yay!) He was diagnosed with asthma last fall during a trip to the ER. His O2 was very low when we arrived. Apparently his big trigger is any kind of viral exposure. He tends to be completely unaffected when he is healthy and then suddenly goes into full blown asthma attack that can barely be contained by the rescue inhaler and lasts for days. We've had to go back to the ER again once. We finally have an upcoming appointment at the asthma clinic, but I am constantly on edge with watching him for signs of an attack, and not really knowing if I am doing the right thing with the attacks.

It just sometimes feels like trying to walk on quick sand to manage him sometimes.

OK - reading what you wrote here... let me put to you from an adult perspective.

Food color:

Blue food - I simply can not, will not and not even THINK about eating blue food unless I want such a huge rush of UGLY feelings and sensations that are indescribable. Blue food is UNBEARABLE. I can not even watch someone consume blue food. If I see a parent feed a child blue food it makes me angry. I can not tell you 100 % why it is not ok. But I know it would be the cruelest punishment someone could do to me. Eat blue food **shudder**

If someone came up to you and told you to eat vomit - would you? Probably not. I equate blue food with vomit (both are equally foul in my mind) so you can see the level of unpleasantness it causes. It may be baffling for you to understand.. so I ask this of you. The next time your child is having a meltdown because you are trying to make him eat a color/taste/texture he can't stand... in your mind replace it with vomit. Would you force your child to eat that? No - so if he is having issues that cause him great distress, and you know it will - find alternatives he will eat that are just as healthy.

Did you know that for instance a bowl of mac and cheese has the same nutritional value as cheez its and a cup of milk? So if he for instance hates the texture of mac and cheese... give him cheez its and a healthy beverage. You have no nutritional value difference yet one he prefers and the other he hates. That isn't the healthiest of examples - but it makes my point I think.

Food Texture

I can eat a horrible tasting food as long as I love the texture. But if a food tastes brilliant but has a disgusting texture - FORGET IT. Not happening! Like yogurt. While the taste is good - here is what it is like for me. Imagine a thousand termites in your mouth.. all scurrying around. While the termites are scurrying around imagine someone squirted say.. the fat from a chicken that got cold on your tongue. You know.. that jelly like fat? You have both those things in your mouth and you are expected to eat it... "It is healthy so you are going to eat it!" .... It has always baffled me.. especially before I learned it wasn't like that for EVERYBODY... I thought EVERYONE was nuts!! !! HOW could anyone possibly tell me yogurt is GOOD?????

If that is what yogurt was to you... would you eat it? Don't think so.

If I force myself to eat yogurt - which I have done to please my parents... Do you know I can feel that termite feeling for up to several hours after eating it? Sometimes even eating or drinking other things does not help it go away. Depends on the day though... some days are quicker than others.. but I am sure not in control of my good and bad days.

Hugging

I am not a touchy feely person. Sensory issues are not fun. But it is more than just the hug. There are people I crave a hug from. There are people I flat out hate hugging. As hurtful as this sounds.. My mother, sister and son are on the rarely hug list. Because I love them I will initiate hugs **sometimes** and endure hugs from them **always** .. but it took me into adulthood before I could hug with **choice**

If a person hugs too soft I am filled with an anxiety so huge and I get jittery inside. No one can see this... but it is how I feel. If the same person breathes on me while hugging too it is so unbearable I want to run away screaming like a mad woman. Don't breathe on me don't breathe on me DON'T breathe on ME!

Pay attention to how people are hugging your son. Are they touching him too hard... or not hard enough? Are they touching his skin? Breathing on him? Then address the hugger in private and give a "hug lesson"... Your son should not ever be expected to hug someone he doesn't want to. If it makes him so uncomfortable... why would you want him to? Because it is socially expected? Because people are expected to hug family? Not a good enough reason...

He will show his own ways of affection... like sharing a favorite toy (usually favorite stuff is NOT shared and don't dare touch it.. so if he sometimes allows this it is his way of showing he loves or cares about you... or any rare openly unusual behaviors can be a form of affection or love expressions)

Eyeglasses

(can't find who mentioned the eyeglasses - sorry) Have you considered it can be sensory pain involved and hiding the glasses is self protecting? I have issues with contrast. Correcting my vision to be perfectly clear is excruciatingly painful. So we keep my vision two prescriptions back to lessen this (not eliminate it as it is still painful, just less so) or maybe the weight of his glasses makes him bonkers... or the ear pieces feel like they are pinches his ears off. At his age he can't tell you the WHY's... he will just react and DO.

Aggression

As for your son being abusive to other kids... again that is a sensory issue. "Fight or flight" .. that goes for hurting others... and for hitting himself.. he can turn his fight internally and hit himself. Great article explaining here: http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2009/11 ... blems.html

Stimming

Your son picks his lips til they bleed... to this day I pick my scalp til it bleeds. Any fear, anxiety or emotions has me picking my scalp. I find the sensation soothing.. even when it begins to hurt and bleed. I have built up scar tissue on my two places of choice.

As a child I would bite my bottom lip til it bled. Until I developed a small tumor on my lip for it and the doctor had to cut it out. Have I quit biting my lip? Nope.. in times of anxiety or stress to this day I bite different locations in my mouth.. just not the spot that got the tumor.

When you see your son picking his lips.. you can bet he is distressed about something.

Obsessions

Your sons obsessions are an absolute must and to discourage him from them will cause him anxiety, anger and many more damaging things that are too numerous to list. Why is it an issue he has an obsessive interest? Because he is restricted in what he is playing with? Because it bores anyone he is talking to senseless?

For stress relief alone he should be indulged in his interests... not discouraged. If his special interest gives him the ability to sit and endure dinner for the noise, tastes, textures etc he is bombarded with.. which is more important? That he can get through a meal a bit better? Or that he not bore his brother half to death with talk of angry birds?

Ne NEEDS that "obsession" not WANTS it. What is important is that his obsessions are always channeled into THINGS and not PEOPLE - that can be dangerous.

Big difference that NEEDING and WANTING. In NT land it is a WANT. ASD land it is a NEED.

Asthma

Are you sure it is viral attacks.. not anxiety attacks? Do you have a follow up cold after an attack? This is just a food for thought.

Fears and darkness and other areas

If your perception was off... and you saw an owl and what you thought you saw was "The Grudge" - you would have fear and anxiety too?

Perceptual issues are a nightmare in my life. A short stair can look over a foot tall so when I step off of it I bang the ground so hard I fall because the stair was only 5 inches high. Or vice versa. In short.. stairs scare me. Bet they would too if they were never what you expected.

Think of it this way... your brain is cable internet. Fast, reliable and fast download speeds.

Your sons brain is a 14 k modem. There are line drops, cut outs and a download speed that is irritatingly slow.

It takes time for your sons brain to process shapes and colors and the world around him. So if there is darkness, lots of shadows and then add on top of that noise of people talking and moving about... that 14 k modem is going to bottleneck and crash.

There are many yard sticks in life.... Measure your son with the correct ASD yard stick and not expect him to measure up to the NT yardstick.. Being on the spectrum isn't just hard for you. It is even harder for your son. You may not understand him... but you can learn to. Your son will never be able to understand you and your reasons. He is not NT - he will never get it.

He will learn coping strategies, learn rules, adapt in **his own way** but he will never be able to fit in 100 % and the process takes a life time with lots of reminders. It is easier for you to adapt to his needs than him to put aside his needs for yours.

Just lots of food for thought. Hope things get easier for you.

**edit... I just reread my post and I am not trying to come off saying you don't understand your son.. or not trying to.. or being judgmental... just trying to give a point of view from the ASD side and it came out a bit worng and I am unsure how to rewrite to make it not seem that way. So I am sorry if I come off that way - there was no intention to do that.

You did not offend me, so don't worry. This is helpful. You'd think going through sensory issues with my oldest that I;d be better at this. His were textures and sound, so this color thing has really been throwing me. We do know quite a few things that are going to bother him, and don't make him eat them, but we run into trouble without meaning to. Like the green eggs. He loves green things, so we thought he'd be okay with that. He likes silly things, which is why we thought he'd like the purple potatoes. And some things he'll like sometimes and others he'll gag at them. He'll drink anything (except pedialyte--can't blame him there that stuff is nasty). He likes coconut milk, almond milk, soy milk, regular milk (both from a store and fresh from a cow), buttermilk, black coffee, smoothies, really just about anything he'll drink it, which makes the food quirks seem more pronounced. But somehow I wasn't really looking at it from the sensory model. I don't know why.

With his glasses he loved them for a few months and then suddenly hated them. I'm not sure why. With the Angry Birds obsession, I was really concerned about it, because he wanted to stay in front of the computer all day, and after a while he'd get stressed out playing. Like if the bird didn't go where he wanted it he'd be screaming, hitting himself, crying, so we worked on getting him into other related activities that could break up the computer time and keep him from getting so upset. We also made a blanket rule that applied to everyone in the house that there is no electronics allowed during school hours. He doesn't seem to mind not playing if it is a rule applied to everyone in the house (and as an added bonus we've gotten more work done since then with the big kids, win/win!)

I will definitely be asking them about anxiety as a trigger for him when I go to the appointment. He has up until this last time had symptoms of a viral infection with them, and the last time it is now allergy season for him, but it could be that the asthma attack is making him more open to catching his brothers' colds. I know he is sensitive to anxiety and stress. A couple of years ago when my grandpa died and my dad was diagnosed with a slowly fatal illness, all of us bigger ones were very stressed for several months. My son ended up having acid reflux associated vomiting, I believe purely from the stress as it improved dramatically once everyone else was more calm.

He isn't diagnosed with anything yet (his brother is), but this really was helpful. Thank you.

I like to hear how you handled the issues with the angry birds. That is awesome

I really hope things get easier for you.

Can you request a functional behavior analysis? Or an OT evaluation from someone who is knowledgeable about sensory processing issues? The reason I ask is that my son was "rough" as a little boy, only it wasn't aggression at all. He had difficulty grading his movements. Someone ought to really make sure that these are aggressive behaviors before it is assumed that they are. My son had no intention to hurt others, nor was he aware that he was doing it. But he was. On a regular basis.