step son has autism, mother is doing nothing!!

Post Reply New Topic

Hello,
I'm new to this group/website and I'm looking for help and guidance regarding my step son and his mother who is not giving him proper support for his austisum needs.

He was diagnosed with aspergers at the age of 2.5 years old before I was in his life. After diagnoses my husband and his wife at the time did not purse any form of therapy or threatment. They were both negevie to his situation about what kind of care he really needed. because he is considered high functioning they thought he would grow out of his issues.

After my husband and I met, he introduced me to his children. I knew right away that his son was not like other kids. He Showed all signs of a kid with aspergers. After several talks he took the steps and found a therapist for him. My husband is suffering from a lot of guilt for not doing this sooner because his son is 9 now. But at least it was a step in the right direction.

We live in New Jersey because that's where our jobs are, his ex wife and kids live in Ohio. Due to the distance we only get to see his kids every 3 weeks on weekends and longer periods of time over the summer and holidays. We have speculated his ex wife to have an addiction to pain killers and/or Alcohol. We believe this because when the kids have called she occasionally is drunk in the background of FaceTime and has abused pain killers when my husband was married to her. She can't keep a job and is only responsible for taking care of the kids including taking their son to his doctors appointments and helping him at home and give him a structured life. She can't seem to do basic motherly duties which she constantly complains about and forget about a structured life, half the time the kids don't brush their teeth.

Recently we met with his sons therapist. His therapist informed us that the son has regressed for several reasons. She told his ex wife to start a schedule and a structure. Limit the iPad to 20 minutes per day, help guide him with his eating, etc. Absoutly none of these tasks are being implemented at home by his ex wife. The therapist had to refer her to another clinic that specializes in eating because she could not take direction from her. His wife is waiting for doctors to correct her son but is not willing to put any extra time in at home. Everything that we have been told to do by the therapist we have done even though we only get him every 3 weeks. His son only eats carbs and is gaining more and more weight. Like I mentioned in the beginning his son is highly functioning and when he is with us we see daily improvement, it's very frustrating to see him go back to Ohio and we have to start all over 3 weeks later.

My husband is worried about confronting his ex wife because he is worried it will set her off and she will go off the deep end and pull the kids in the middle of it.

As a woman this is very sad to me, I don't understand what kind of mother wouldn't want to do everything for their child. I've talked to my husband about getting full custody but we do not even know if this would hold up in court. How many judges will take 2 kids away from their mother? My husband offered to take the kids full time and she says no I can't live without the kids. I think she can't live without the child support.

I also don't want to see his children go through pain in a custody battle but if they continue in this situation i fear for their future as adults. Has anyone ever been in this situation before?
Any advice is greatly appreciated
Thank you,

I have a couple of questions:

How do you know the mother is drunk in the background of face time? Are you sure she is drunk?

If their father really thinks his kids are primarily living with a drug abuser and/ or serious alcoholic, then I don't understand why he hasn't tried to get sole custody yet? It does not add up. I believe most judges would grant full custody to a father if the mother was a serious/ drug or alcohol abuser. However, if the judge believes that the father knowingly let his children live with a drug abuser/ alcoholic without intervening, he could be held responsible for child endangerment as well.

What do you perceive as the child's "autism needs"? Is the child in sensory overload all the time? Does he have trouble communicating? Constant meltdowns? What are the particular issues you are referring to?

Great questions. I would add to these, what sort of therapist are you using and what specifically in your son's behavior do you understand is meant by "regression?"

Horribly messy message, but to a long story a short answer, its none of your bussiness, as you see the kid barely you shouldn't seek here support for interfering.
What makes one desire to control- take power over- an ex?

One of the things I hope you understand is that all of these issues you mention are NOT ONLY because of Asperger's. I too am married to someone with a child from a previous marriage and the difference in parenting in each house was crazy. While I understand this child might need some assistance, while I understand that you and your husband are trying to help this child, the fact is that when the kiddo's time is split between two homes it is extremely difficult to change things too much, as all the work you put into in your home, goes back to nothing when they return home. I know, I lived that and it was distressed and infuriating. It's also not fair to have a child in your home who is not truly parented at the other house and you have to deal with the consequences, it's tiring.

I highly suggest you check groups for step-parents to help you deal with some of these issues. Again, I am not saying that none of the issues you are talking about are related to Asperger's, however, wether the kiddo had Asperger's or not, it is obvious there are very different expectations and parenting styles in each home and that in itself is a whole different animal.

Good luck to you. My worst days and the most stress in my life was never from my awesome AS child, but from the craziness of step-parenting, etc.

If the kid has issues and is in her home, she has every right to expect that kid to behave in a way that makes things at her home comfortable. If he was a kid down the street, nobody would ever question her not allowing a kid down the street who did not know how to behave in her home. Yes, this might be a hard one as it is a step-kid, but the fact remains it is her home and if the kid is causing issues in her home, she has a right to expect the kid to stop or not visit all together.

I agree that we don't have enough specifics. I also agree that most of this is a divorce dispute kind of thing that is not necessarily in our wheelhouse.

There is no one protocol for all kids (people) with AS/AU. It is what is good for a particular kid. So, not getting therapy is not necessarily a wrong or inappropriate choice. It depends on the kid. I am not saying it is not wrong for this particular child, but we definitely need more info Either way, your husband should not feel guilty about it. Parents of kids with ASD often have a tinge of it (or more) themselves and so a lot of things that may stand out to someone else as being unusual, just don't. Also, not all of it is "bad." Some of it is is neutral and some of it is kind of cool. Unusual does not mean bad or that it needs to be fixed. it depends on specifics which we do not yet know.

Just to be even more confusing, just because a therapist recommends something, doesn't make it the right thing. Not all therapists are good, and there seems to be more misinformation floating around about ASD than some other things. Sometimes the focus is on looking normal and not on making the kid happy. Again, not saying that is happening, but I am letting you know why "the therapist says x" is insufficient and we need to know more details.

In addition, many of us here have a tinge (or more) of ASD ourselves, and so we need something more direct and specific. "Son does x, this is a problem because of y, what do I do?"

Based on what you wrote I am guessing that 2 problems you have are:

1) Your child craves carbs and eats too much and is gaining more weight than is healthy.
2) Your son spends too much time on the technology and you are trying to regulate it so he can get x, y, z done.

In both cases the ex-wife is undermining the consistency of what you are doing divorce issue that is prevalent with divorce regardless of if the kid is neurotypical (NT) or has ASD.

I don't know if I missed any other specific issues you mentioned. Are there behavioral issues? Are there things that you want for him to want, that he doesn't. (If so, those are the kinds of things you would want to let go) --- Social things are tricky b/c while he needs social skills to function in the outside world as an adult, forcing social things on a kid who does not see the need for them does not always have terrific results. Sometimes, you have to get the kid to understand why he needs the skills first.

With regard to #1, carb craving is very, very common in people with ASDs. It may be an attempt to self-regulate brain chemicals. We have this issue also with our son, and we try to put up the less healthy carbs (which he can have in moderation) where our son can't reach. Simpler carbs like fruit and vegetables we provide in abundance.

With regard to # 2, technology is a double-edged sword, and kids with ASD do need more downtime typically than neurotypical kids. I have no idea if 20 minutes is enough time or too strict. It depends on the kid you have. Some people on here have taken it away entirely, some of us allow quite a bit more. More detail about why you think your stepson needs less screen time would help us help you because there are different ways to help a child stay on task that you could add or substitute.

As far as the ex-wife, I know compassion for the ex is typically not a thing people have, but maybe she feels overwhelmed, or for perfectly good reasons is not on board. If she and her ex-husband (your current husband) were on the same page until you came around, she probably feels resentful that you stirred the pot, and she also may have philosophical/practical opposition to what you have done. In a divorce situation, it is hard because doing what you think is best, but having it be inconsistently enforced may be worse than not doing it at all. You might be better off having your husband and her come to some moderated approach that she is able and willing to enforce. That is a larger divorce issue, I think more so than an issue with ASD.

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 10 Oct 2015, 8:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

Your comment seems insane to me. She chose to marry the father, knowing he had a son.
Is a boy a disposable item?
Are we really to accept the proposition that there is no difference between your spouse's child an some random child from the community?

This attitude seems objectively evil to me.

One could write a handbook for wicked step-parents based on this idea, perhaps with a special chapter for predatory step-dads from the Woody Allen school of "hey, it's not like they are biological siblings, so it's all good!"

When a man fathers a child, he has parental obligations.
If you marry a person with parental obligations, you are marrying those obligations, too.

"I don't like my husband's ex, and their kid is fat."
There, that's the short version of what you said.
Your husband can't even be bothered to live in the same state as his son, so....yeah.

I think WhataMess is presupposing behavioral issues that are making the stepmom unhappy in her home. I may have missed if that is the case or not.

It seems like the stepmom is making assumptions about what kind of help the child should have gotten at 2.5 or later and assumed if he got something, things would be better for him now, and also I guess for her. A lot of people know very little other than all the emphasis on early intervention, and assume that is always appropriate regardless of what is happening for an individual child.

She doesn't want to send the kid away either, so I am not sure why WhataMess said that. She and her husband the bio dad want full-custody, but the stepmom thinks the mom wants the kids just for child support, which, again, sounds like typical divorced person/stepparent bickering.

Sometimes parents/step parents fight over custody to avoid paying or to keep getting child support, whichever the case may be. Sometimes it is to reduce contact with the child's other parent. Sometimes people make it up about the other party. That is stuff I am trying not to parse yet b/c I am trying to see what the kid specifically needs.

I think I understand that the sentiment was based on imagined or projected behavioral issues. But the home is not the stepmom's.

It is the home of the stepmom and the dad who has a son.

I don't see a moral difference between "is her home and if the kid is causing issues in her home, she has a right to expect the kid to stop or not visit all together." and a parent abandoning their biological child because the kid is causing issues in the home, and the parent has a right to expect the kid to stop or not be there all together.

In most places with a veneer of civilization, discarding your 9 year old child because you don't like their behavior is a crime.

Edited to add:
If I was the dad and my new wife suggested this thinking, I would be twice-divorced within days and wondering how I could have been so blind.

Yeah, yeah, I absolutely agree that the language distinction matters, and I should not have repeated it. You are absolutely right that it is their home. At this point I don't know enough about what is going on to say whether everything that the OP objects to falls into the category of imposing her own preconceptions or something one has a right to have input on in a shared home.

I guess I took it as intended to mean "her home, too" b/c I thought it was implied that the husband and two kids concerns were being addressed. But, you are right, it may not be implied. If the step mom is the impetus of all the change and if the father is just going along to get along than maybe not.

And as I stated, this has LITTLE to do with Asperger's and much to do about divorce and separate homes, simple. If the kid is fat or not, the step-mother is going to have to not interfere. If the kid is causing problems in HER home, yes, HER SHARED home, but HER home nonetheless, she has every right to expect certain behaviors in her home and her home to be respected. Just as she would expect if it was her own child or any other child in her home, heck, any other adult in her home.

Right. I am in strong sympathy with what you posted.

My initial reaction to the OP was that there were red flags all over the post.

There is almost no detail about the son's issues, as you noted. What behaviors are a a problem, exactly? Surely this isn't just about eating too much bread--but we don't know.

The 20 minute iPad diet seems excessively restrictive to me. I don't know of any adult or child with an iPad who only uses the thing for 20 minutes a day. I can imagine that an attempt to impose such draconian restrictions on a child who found some peace in his use of the iPad would result in all kinds of stress and negative behavior. This makes me wonder about the ability of the therapist. The therapist knows the situation, but creates a program that can't work, given the split family? This seems less than skillful, to me.

Another caution signal was the way the mom and her behavioral problems are presented as the primary problem. That might be true, but we don't have enough information. The troubling thing in the OP is that the focus seems to be on how to get at the ex, not how to help the boy or create a good home for him with the dad.

But really the need for more information was the main thing that came out. Some of those red flags may turn out to be unwarranted, some may be signs of real problems, we can't know.

But there was nothing in the OP that troubled me. The thing that really disturbed me was entirely in whatamess's response.

This seems to me like projection, because the OP hardly mentioned any of her step-son's issues.


Not fair, but life. This is what you sign on for when you marry a person with kids. If you can't take it, don't say "I do."

traven seemed to be picking up the same signals that I did in the OP, and I thought whatamess's response was really too much.

I get that she might not like her child's behavior, or still feel rage toward the ex, but it is NOT just her home if she has set up house with the dad. If he was a person who could bar his child from his home to please his new bride, he would not be worth marrying or knowing in any case.

I know, it's a tangled web with a lot of grey areas and complex emtions. Maybe I am seeing it in excessively simple terms. But care for your child seems like a really fundamental duty to me. To advocate dereliction of that parental duty because the child makes you uncomfortable is unconscionable.


Again, what you can expect from any adult in your home and how you respond and what you can expect from your child in your home are totally different. I don't understand the thinking that makes comparing these seem meaningful in some way. What is the "not visit altogether" sanction that you would apply to your own child if his behavior was unacceptable in your home?

This question has nothing at all to do with aspergers, but is all about parental obligation and what comes with marrying people who already have children.

I am sorry, whatamess--I don't mean to be coming down on you, personally. but you just happen to be skirting around an approach to children that I find really deeply wrong.

I didn't see anything evil, just someone trying to make he point that this OP who is a stepmom isn't messed up for wanting to have rules and structure that create what seems to her a good home for herself, her husband, his child, and any other household members. Also I got the impression she is supporting the priorities the child's father has.

Whatever is making some over the top (IMO) negative toward OP I only see a person who is confused about how to support her husband's and the child's wishes and needs by seeking information and suggestions at a site for people on the spectrum, am I missing something that makes it seem OP is trolling? If not, i want for her to be welcome here, I think we have something to offer and I hope you read this OP.

My take is that the situation is difficult and will remain so. It may be very stressful at his mother's house. I think the best thing you can do is be kind, be calm, show compassion toward the child and allow him to complain if he must but be really careful not to make him aware you're upset by anything other than worry for him, he is most affected, give him room to get upset about his mom over time if he needs to by never criticizing her (and I'm sure you don't just thought I should say this).

In the end changing custody would be very disruptive, if it needs to happen (or if he stays where he is) I think the child will be happiest and most helped if he has at least somewhere he feels is secure and a relative oasis of safety. Everyone needs that, especially kids on the spectrum. Listen, be supportive, have expectations in your home, and complain, as much as you need to, to your friends and family, if it's too much for them find a therapist for yourself and perhaps your husband to go over issues with so the two of you can present a unified and CALM front for this little boy when he visits.

I hope his mom has his best interests first, but if things get worse (or don't improve) kids are pretty smart, and judges aren't always idiots, calm expectations and support that helps this little boy feel he can turn to you, even though he may not like your rules, listening and empathizing and collaborating with him more than you think you should have to because of his ASD and because of the confusion of the custody issue, these are the best things I think to do for him.

And please pay more attention to my direct response to your post and your question, you seem legit. Apologies to everyone else if OP is a troll. I just want to give her the benefit of my trust she may really want to support her husband's child.

I had to read the OP again because I couldn't understand any of the responses here so I thought I misread the post. What I saw in the post was a wife being concerned because the mother isn't helping her son and not listening to the doctor. The wife and her husband are trying to help him but with the inconstancy, it makes it hard and it's true for any child. She mentioned full custody to her husband but he is afraid to do anything about it because of how his ex would react.

Only thing I can think of is if your husband can try and get a job in Ohio so you both can move closer and hopefully have more custody of the kids but it's tough trying to be a parent when the other parent isn't being consistent with your parenting.

To people who say it isn't her business:

When you are married to someone with kids or in a long term relationship, their kids become your business and responsibility. Don't want it, don't marry someone who already has kids or get in a relationship with someone who has them. Especially if you don't want this possibly drama.