Need for sleep

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Not sure if this is in the right forum, so if not, sorry. What can one do when one's housemates, in this case twenty yr. old daughter & boyfriend, stay up past 3 a.m. with lights going on & off, voices, laughter, getting snacks from the kitchen, etc.? I love my daughter, but am beginning to feel used and very tired during the day. I'm a morning person so I can't sleep past about 5:45 a.m. This morning I snapped at 3 - something and hollered at them to be quiet. This precipitated them leaving the house in the boyfriend's truck, and making me feel like a bad parent. My daughter can't afford to pay rent, neither can the boyfriend, so I am financially responsible for mortgage, utilities, food/necessities, and pet food. My ability or lack thereof to communicate without confusion and subsequent anger leaves me vulnerable to manipulation. I know I should be assertive - but that's not a skill of mine, instead the discomfort of not being able to sleep, combined with the pain of my broken arm, causes me to become mean.

I probably would've snapped too if I was trying to get my beauty sleep. There's only so much someone can take before that happens. Anyway, no harm done. They were likely trying out their boundaries anyway, you know, seeing how far they could go before somebody reined their behavior back in. Kids do it all the time. Part of life.

You certainly should have a say in some house rules. I would suggest you write down some of the things you need, like quiet after 10 pm or whatever, invite them to write down a few things they need (though having you paying all the bills seems like an awful lot to ask) and schedule a time to talk with them in the middle of the day when everyone is calm.

Redrobin62 ~ thank you for your support and helpful message on this matter.
Bombaloo - also good idea and solution for positive action on my part.

Walk out there where they are and turn off the lights and tv and tell them that if they can't be quiet they can take it to a hotel cause this is your house and while they are under your roof they will have a little respect for you.

You aren't a bad mom for them leaving! It's not like you threw your 10 year old out in the snow, barefoot because he asked for more gruel or something! You told two adults to be quiet, in the middle of the night, in your own house!

Tell them "This is what is going to happen. You will be quiet after 10 and not wake me up. I didn't care if you stay up all night but the tv stays low and the lights stay out. If I hear you out here and you keep me awake then you will be finding someplace else to live!"

This. You can't make them go to bed at any particular time but if the are staying up they need to be considerate to the others in the house.

Oliveoilmom, thank you - succinct and said in a clear way.
Wreck-Gar, thank you: the word considerate is what I will try to achieve with them, and ask them to show me and my youngest (who also needs solid sleep)

UUUuuummm..
I'm assuming that since you say she "Can't afford to pay rent" that she is out of high school at least. That being the case, it sounds like it's time for her to comply with some house rules or strike out on her own. I'd set some rules (give her the reasons for the rules too, like you need sleep!) and then if she doesn't comply, start charging her rent and if she doesn't, you padlock the fridge and pantry. Lots of options. If nothing works you kick her out. If you aren't willing to play hardball, invest in earplugs and a white noise generator.

I think it is very nice that you allow her boyfriend to also live with you. I would always let my son live at home but I don't know if I would let him move in an SO. Assuming you let him live with you b/c he is super nice, then he should understand having boundaries out of, yes, consideration, as should your own child, hopefully.

Have you tried just having a normal talk about noise and such and that you trying to sleep? I know that sounds obvious, but they may not realize what they are doing is too loud. Even Nts sometimes do not realize how much their voices carry, especially in joyous laughter or whatever. If that did/does not work, I do not think there is any harm is saying that in a family there has to be a level of reciprocity and that if the boyfriend wants to be able to stay, they both need to follow reasonable rules of consideration.

Here is an update, which I am posting because it might help someone else in the future. Wishing to be a proper parent, but not having the social skills to navigate complicated power struggle situations, has resulted in this situation which I acknowledge responsibility for and yet I am done 'getting down on myself'.
And, thank you to you ASDMommyASDKid & CWA.
if only I could've known in advance what sort of hard and fast rules to have.
They are both out of high school, yes, and they're working part time as he does yard work and odd jobs.
The day following this incident there was no communication from her until at late afternoon when they showed up here. They came inside, stomped to her room, she silently packed a suitcase and a couple bags, then they left saying nothing to me (nor me to them) but a brief goodbye to my son her brother.
She has always had anger toward me, she's bigger than me & can be a little frightening. Plus they both get physically teasing of me and her brother which makes me very upset as I don't like to be touched without asking. This behavior escalates from time to time, but the fact that they started in on me is ominous to me. I may be over-reacting, but I feel intimidated, if that makes sense.
The next step would seem to be removing her remaining possessions to a storage facility, mailing her the key, considering the thing finished.
:/

She overreacted completely. She is in the wrong here, you are not. She will be back and if I were you I would tell her nope, she can't stay. As for putting her things in storage, don't do it unless you plan on paying for it. I'd tell her that she has a certain amount of time to come get them and if she doesn't get them by then they will be out on the curb for the garbageman.

Don't let her run all over you like that! It's your house and the people who live there with you need to understand that and to follow your rules if they want you to put a roof over their head. You said you don't like confrontation but you are going to have to learn to at least tolerate it sometimes unless you want people to run over you for the rest of your life. It's time to stand up to her and tell her to grow up.

Is your daughter NT? I only ask that to gauge how easily she will understand what you say if/when she asks to come back.

I think she is being ridiculous, but given that they do have a place to go, it might not be such a bad thing for her to experience what it is like to have less congenial roomies. A friend is not going to put up with too much...stuff. If she does come back and if the circumstances mean that you want to let her back, then you can ask for a redo of the original arrangement and make clear rules about what they are expected to contribute around the house and as far as courtesy goes. So as long as she is safe, this sounds like a good healthy thing for both of you.

As far as her physically teasing (tickling?) you and your son, that sounds like something that you should forbid. I would not like that, and I do not know why they do this.

There is a big difference to me between things someone cannot help and things they can. If she is just being bratty and controlling that is not the same to me as things that happen because of a disability.

update which I am posting because it might help someone else in the future...I may be being manipulated, or attempting to be that is; today she texted asking for money from me in order for her to attend the county fair this weekend. I did not reply. There is no good answer to that text.

ASDMommyASDKid, As far as I know she's NT albeit with some variations, and quite bright.

Ostensibly she wanted me to eat more even though I said I was full and did not want any more so as not to get fat. Then he grabbed a can of whipped cream, I said, " don't", because I didn't want to get my recently broken arm bumped as it still hurts a lot. I kicked out at him but he jabed the whipped cream in my face anyway. This scared at me.

That's just wrong. I can understand getting carried away in fun and all, but that's the point you need to stand up and say "Touch me just one more g*ddamn time, go on, I dare you!" And honestly, if people don't expect you to bow up like that they will be shocked and usually back off.

Hmmm Wow OliveOilMom! Alpineglow, I know you don't like confrontation but you will have to put your foot down on this somehow. I have issues with it as well. This BS can't fly. OliveOilMom, how do you do it though? How are you able to get into people's faces without fearing they will hurt you severely or murder you?

Alpineglow, Your situation actually has contributed to helping me to answer my question on the other thread of The world doesn't owe you, you owe the world. With your situation and OliveOilMom's answers and explanations I have not only have a better understanding of what the phrase means and ultimately what I need to do.

I have to contribute back to others in someway and sometimes I should contribute to them without expectation of return.

I hope you get through your situation but you did help me to clear up some confusion I had and helped me to get through my situation. To me, you seem like you're a good person and I don't think you deserve the treatment you are receiving. Your daughter does have a lot of gall. OOM is right on this.

I never stood up for myself for years and my friends would do it for me. Finally I was given an ultimatum by my best friend in high school. This one girl had been picking on me bad all year and my friend would stand up for me and I wouldn't say anything. The girl kept on and on doing all sorts of things to me, right there in front of everybody. Things like pantsing me or tying me to the flagpole at PE. Hiding my purse. All that. My best friend told me that the next time that happened she was not going to stand up for me. I was going to have to stand up for myself and say something back and if I didn't, she would personally whip my ass herself and she meant it. So, I was between a rock and a hard place. I was terrified to speak up, but I knew my friend really would whoop my ass and do it because she cared about me. So, I practiced what I was going to say and stood up to her. From then on, I would little by little start standing up for myself.

Later on I married a guy who was very abusive. I didn't stand up to him either. Finally I figured out that I was bigger than him and whipped his ass for him real good and divorced him. After that I decided to never take s**t again from anybody. The worst they can do to me is physically hurt me, and I can pretty well hold my own in a fight if I have to. So, I'm not worried about that. The fact that I know how to defend myself is one thing, also the fact that most people won't go off on you for telling them off is another.

I guess I do take crap from time to time, when I feel that it's deserved or especially when I'm depressed. I don't stand up for myself about everything I should, I pick my battles though. So, I guess the way I do it is I just basically do it. Sometimes I am scared. I've been in someones face before who I knew could really kick the crap out of me but I didn't show it. I just bluffed. It's like on the dating thread, confidence will get you everywhere. If you don't have it, just pretend you do.

Also, I doubt her daughter would physically hurt her for yelling at her. I mean that's not even something that somebody would want to hurt you for.