Is it wrong to kick out someone with autism?

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I'm asking because we're at that junction with my older brother.

He has kind of an internet addiction with chatting. And that has led to issues that have put himself and our family in danger.

We've tried restricting access. He throws temper tantrums and will also get physically violent. He won't listen or compromise. And when we make deals with him or offer incentives or rewards, it always turns out he's lying. If we manage to ignore the tantrums and everything and restrict all access, he'll go into a very deep depression.

This has been going on for two years now.

Us, our relatives, his friends, and many people in the community have also tried talking him out of that kind of destructive behavior. Nothing. Right now he'll only talk to people who encourage him to feed into it.

We're not sure what to do. Our last ditch effort is maybe some kind of emergency intervention with his therapist. But, if that doesn't work, would it be wrong on our part to kick him out? He's 30 and he's high functioning, but nowhere near the level he'd need to be to live an independent life. It honestly wouldn't surprise me to see him run into trouble very quickly.

By the way, he insists these people are his friends, but he's never seen a real image of them (all the pictures they've sent of "themselves" are fake). They've also tried to steal money from him.

The worst part is it's hard for us to tell when he's involved since he'll lie all the time. He almost got several thousand dollars stolen from him because he set up a Western Union account that we didn't know about. He was also being blackmailed by a high schooler and he gave the high schooler directions on how to break into our house (and he did). The bank called us one day and said they put a check on hold because they know us and him. They told us that if he had deposited the check, it would be fraud and they would have sent him to jail. He got the check from one of his online friends. We've intervened every time and kept him out of trouble, but he still trusts these online "friends" more than he does anyone else.

I know this sounds very heartless, but what else are we supposed to do?

My heart definitely goes out to you because your brother REALLY has your family in a tight spot. You're right. His behaviour is dangerous. Is these days and times you can't afford to have strangers breaking into your house while you're sleeping. Can you imagine?! I feel bad because, somewhere along the way, big brother's going to do something really foolish and get himself locked up. It almost seems inevitable. The problem is, he won't even learn from that experience. Kicking him out will be tough because he'll resent you guys to the ends and depths of his soul and, if he's vindictive, he could retaliate. Unfortunately, his behaviour is tearing the family apart. I guess it's time to sit him down at a family meeting and tell him what time it is. Shape up or ship out. Tough love, but maybe he'll learn. Good luck.

Thank you for the reply. I have talked to him and told him in very plain terms that if he can't comply with the household rules that he can't live here. He seems to want to stay with his online "girlfriend", but I'm fairly concerned because this is also another case where every image she has sent to him as been fake (I reverse image searched all of them to confirm and showed him). But, part of me, maybe because I'm stressed and angry from having to deal with this issue for so long think that if we really did send him and he'd learn first hand how "real" these "friends" of his are. At the same time, I am worried for him since he has no sense of judgement when it comes to those kinds of situations and he's easily taken advantage of. I even showed him television shows and several documentaries showing NT people who fall for the same kind of scams, still nothing.

One "girlfriend" he was involved to and sent several hundred dollars to (we found out when a church member contacted us about it), continued to keep in contact and harass him for more money. I directly blocked said person and threatened to call the police. Right after I blocked the contact, they called my brother's phone and it was a Nigeria area code. At that point I wanted to cry.

I just wish he'd understand that these people he's sticking to are lying to him and taking advantage of him. But since they agree with everything he says, even destructive behaviors, he doesn't want to listen to anyone else. We're actually not that restrictive on him. We only tell him to not do things that are destructive to him and why. For example, even though I know he doesn't mean anything by it, I tell him to be very careful when talking to girls under 18, especially children since more than once someone mistook his intentions and tried to call the police on him. But he thinks that I'm just being mean to him, no matter how many times I try to explain why what he's doing can get him into trouble.

I've done monitoring of his Facebook account and email, but I can't do 24/7 monitoring and while I have deleted these contacts and told him to not contact them again, they do show up or he'll make a new account to talk to them. I've even directly told his "friends" to not contact them again, but that doesn't work either. Since he's learning to lie better and cover his tracks (even I can't recover emails or conversations if they've been deleted and cleared), often we don't know about issues until his friends or other concerned individuals let us know because he'll confide in them and not us. We've even considered disconnecting the internet from our house period, but even that would be a temporary measure until he figures out other places like libraries or public cafes with internet access.

But yeah, it feels like we're running out of options. I even fear that should we tell his therapists that she really needs to monitor what he says and contact us if it feels like he's gotten himself into a dangerous situation, he'd simply stop confiding in her. And frankly, it's hard for me to not be really frustrated and angry with the situation. Naturally, I don't want my brother to get into trouble, especially if it's something that can get him into trouble with the law or physically harmed or worse.

Nigeria, huh? Hmm. This is not the first time I've heard about scammers from that country preying on the weak internationally. I guess there's some kind of ring there that specializes in those kinds of scams. It's unfortunate, but there are so many, scamming grandmas out of their inheritance, etc. Disgusting. I'm glad to see you have a lot of patience with your brother. Hopefully he realizes that, in some households, he would've been kicked to the curb way before 30 years old. He should consider himself lucky. Still, though, he's your brother so you'll feel for him. Still, where would he go? A shelter? Hopefully this isn't California because those sjhelters are dumps. They're not even shelters, really. They're just open when the weather is cold. You get fed when a truck pulls up to a corner and throws packets of food out on the sidewalk. Yeah, this is all from experience. Homelessness sucks. I really do feel bad for the predicament you're in and hope your brother straightens up and flies right, maybe even get a part time job or something.

He runs errands for my parents which earns him a small allowance. He's actually really good about saving. But, we're afraid of giving him more than a tiny amount of money because of issues like these.

And, we're not sure. We don't want to put him on the street. There are no relatives who'd take him in. I was actually looking into a few group home options, but cost will obviously be an issue.

I feel bad for my mother. She really loves my brother, but she's technologically impaired and doesn't have a lot of patience or understanding for how to deal with these kinds of issues.

I went ahead and seized the online accounts that I know of. I'll be in contact with the phone company tomorrow to cut off his phone access. Though, this might end up happening anyway, I'd like to consider all available options before we do something that extreme. I'm just not sure what options are open to us anymore.

Maybe no phone or internet access + therapist approach will work. I'm crossing my fingers.

He contacted his online "girlfriend" about staying with her. But since I know how these kinds of things go, I'm pretty sure he won't hear jack from her. It's funny since they'll show him a lot of "support" but when it comes to putting your money where your mouth is they always ditch him.

No I don't think it's wrong to kick them out, just because they have autism doesn't mean you have to put up with their abuse or being used and taken advantage of and disrespected or refuse help from you. Some people on the spectrum are bad too.

Hi, what if someone from the church or elsewhere who is pro-Internet talks with him, and on several occasions, kind of takes him under his or her wing as a mentor? The Internet is a big part of my life, too, and it would leave a big hole if I were to lose access.

Potentially, he can find a girlfriend who is real and happening and who appreciates him for all his Aspie quirks, perhaps even the love of his life. But he does needs to talk with someone also aware of the dangers. And it sounds like you guys have entered a push-and-pull dynamic where he's going to discount everything you say.

And the part with him being blackmailed by the high schooler. Wow. That's really awful, and I'm sorry that happened to you and your family. Hopefully in time, he'll realize that one, it's not just his money, or not just him doing something legally dicey at his own risk, but that one he let you guys down. And that's the one he definitely needs to run past you because it affects the safety of the family.

PS I am not a parent. But I do live the life of a person on the spectrum (self-diagnosed), and often not with good jobs and not fully supporting myself.* And I try to be a pretty good guy and help out when I'm able.

*Computer science being the biggest disappointment at all. And companies don't look at technical skills, or portfolio, or classes taken . . . but instead look almost entirely in terms of years of corporate experience.

If you set terms and conditions for him living there that you know he is capable of following, and then he chooses not to follow those terms and conditions, then you have not kicked him out: he has, in effect, made a choice to leave.

My main concern in this situation is clarity. Put everything in writing, and be very literal and complete with it. Then ask him to read it, repeat it, and sign it. He is 30 years old and can and should be held accountable for his choices, but read around this forum long enough and you know that truly understanding what those choices are and what they mean can be very, very difficult for some people with ASD. Hold yourself accountable to the accurate communication of what is going on here, and getting him to really, at his core, understand the choices.

To this point, the pattern will have led him to believe that you all aren't that serious, and the draw of the on-line connections has been able to overpower the threat of losing his home. You want him to feel the reverse, truly understand and feel it, before action gets taken.

After that, the situation is no different than it is in any other household with any other group of people, including one who really struggles. You can't be co-dependent, you can't enable, and you can't take responsibility for someone else's choices. Tough to follow through, I know, and I'm glad I'm not the one who might have to, but allowing things to continue as they are serves no one's best interests.

One other thought...

If you are in the US, have you looked into Social Security / Medicare for him? this could help the funding of a group home. I think an alternate living arrangement would be a really good idea for all involved, especially your brother. It would be best if there was an arranged place to go.

I was just thinking the same, Kailuamom. There are lots of transitional housing programs that might be a good fit, where there are some supports but there is plenty of freedom, too.

I think some kind of intervention with a therapist is important, though. Kind of in the way a drug addict doesn't realize what they are doing to their family, he may need something to help him understand. I also agree that you need to approach the intervention with a bulleted written list and a clear directive on what is and is not allowed.

That would be the first line, the second would be that you will help him find somewhere else where he can live independently.

I don't feel that it's wrong to kick him out. He needs to learn that he has to respect family members the hard way and it seems to me, that is the only way that he'll learn at this point. People on the spectrum need equal treatment from their families, not special treatment and that's why I feel that kicking him out would be the best thing right now.

Hey CokneyRebel,

May I offer you a few suggestions. One is to get a blocker such as WebNanny(not sure if this is the correct name) or if your on Windows to setup a sub-user account where he must log in and you can monitor his browsing habits. Possibly blocking Facebook, and all Chat Apps(you can do this under Parental Control but be sure you make a password hard to guess and change it often) and limit the online time/computer time.

They do this at libraries where you can setup a session for 1 hour etc. If he knows there are boundaries he will hopefully forget about his obsession. Possibly he likes music so you could sign him up with Rhapsody Music or another service such as Pandora.

I think he needs more outside social action. I would see if you can have him join a club or take classes in his passion. You may look for a job coach to see if he can learn job skills and get a part time job.

If you don't set the boundaries this can go down a road where you won't be able to help him; Possibly you can setup a Special Needs Trust and lock his bank account and call Western Union and tell him about his disability and they will block him.

I would go to the Court and get a Guardian appointed(such as a parent or relative) so that you have more control on his actions.

Also if you feel he should not be living at home as he is not contributing contact the Department Of Rehab or another organization such as low income housing that accepts individuals with special-needs getting SSI/Government Medical Aid etc. The Department of Rehab/Social Security Administration and Department of Mental Health Services can get you the help he needs.

Possibly you can get respite care where you can hire a person who can teach him social skills, independent living skills cooking , shopping ,hygiene and someone to go to the movies with.

If you truly feel that the computer and internet is harming him you could have him take a course or seminar about Cyberbullying where they teach you about scams, not sending money to someone you don't know and don't talk with strangers and if you do speak in a public chatroom or private chat you speak about general topics and don't give out personal information.

My rule for Facebook is that I don't add a friend unless I have met them in public and I lock my account so friends of friends or the general public can't see my page. I only post what I would want the public to see. For the most part I use Facebook to keep up with family and friends. I try not to go on it often. In fact I went away for a month on vacation and did not access Facebook once and I did not miss it.

I wish you the best of luck.

Hey CokneyRebel,

May I offer you a few suggestions. One is to get a blocker such as WebNanny(not sure if this is the correct name) or if your on Windows to setup a sub-user account where he must log in and you can monitor his browsing habits. Possibly blocking Facebook, and all Chat Apps(you can do this under Parental Control but be sure you make a password hard to guess and change it often) and limit the online time/computer time.

They do this at libraries where you can setup a session for 1 hour etc. If he knows there are boundaries he will hopefully forget about his obsession. Possibly he likes music so you could sign him up with Rhapsody Music or another service such as Pandora.

I think he needs more outside social action. I would see if you can have him join a club or take classes in his passion. You may look for a job coach to see if he can learn job skills and get a part time job.

If you don't set the boundaries this can go down a road where you won't be able to help him; Possibly you can setup a Special Needs Trust and lock his bank account and call Western Union and tell him about his disability and they will block him.

I would go to the Court and get a Guardian appointed(such as a parent or relative) so that you have more control on his actions.

Also if you feel he should not be living at home as he is not contributing contact the Department Of Rehab or another organization such as low income housing that accepts individuals with special-needs getting SSI/Government Medical Aid etc. The Department of Rehab/Social Security Administration and Department of Mental Health Services can get you the help he needs.

Possibly you can get respite care where you can hire a person who can teach him social skills, independent living skills cooking , shopping ,hygiene and someone to go to the movies with.

If you truly feel that the computer and internet is harming him you could have him take a course or seminar about Cyberbullying where they teach you about scams, not sending money to someone you don't know and don't talk with strangers and if you do speak in a public chatroom or private chat you speak about general topics and don't give out personal information.

My rule for Facebook is that I don't add a friend unless I have met them in public and I lock my account so friends of friends or the general public can't see my page. I only post what I would want the public to see. For the most part I use Facebook to keep up with family and friends. I try not to go on it often. In fact I went away for a month on vacation and did not access Facebook once and I did not miss it.

I wish you the best of luck.

Thought this article might be helpful - you can download the DOJ report linked therein, it's 44 pages of internet scams: http://www.scientificamerican.com/podca ... t-13-05-16

What will happen to him if you kick him out? He doesn't seem like he will swim. He seems like he will sink.

He seems to be addicted to communications with these online freaks taking advantage of him. How to break this addiction?

I think it would be wrong to simply "kick him out" and abandon him but I can see that he may be impossible for you to handle at home and you need some specialist help. I don't know what is available to you but I do think that your family must do all you can to help him while still protecting yourselves from his actions. You should talk this over with someone who is an expert and can advise you properly.