College bound student

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Hi, this is my first post. My name is Vicky and my son turns 17 at the end of the month. He was diagnosed 5 years ago (almost to the day). His diagnosis includes ADHD, Asperger's, anxiety, dysgraphia and sensory problems. He will be a senior next year, and I am freaking out. He seems to not want to be an active part of what to do after high school.

I have told him he is far too smart to not take his education further. His career goal seems unrealistic to me, but I don't want to kill his dream. He wants to do voice acting. His older sister is trying to coax him into radio broadcasting. Last summer we attended a program in our state called College Bound, and will be attending again this year. Right after the program he was pumped up, but then the call of the cave (his bedroom) took over.

I am a researcher type of person.....almost pathological in my need to learn as much about a subject as I can, and I am not even sure where to turn first, aside from Google. Transition services here are, honestly, lacking in my opinion. When he is a senior, he can talk with a rehabilitation services counselor, so I will see about setting that up this summer.

There are two schools within a couple hours that do offer "Autism" programs where they assist the students with transition to college life. One is private -- costly, and the other public but an extra $5000.00 a semester. Being a single mom this is very daunting to say the least. We do have a local school that is part of our state university, and they do have dorms now but I worry that he will be too close to home. He has shown no interest in learning to drive, or have a license. He is too unsteady on his bike (thinking about a three wheel bike) and has not even ridden on one of our buses (going to tackle this asap---might change his mind about driving_)

Am I worrying unnecessarily or not even thinking hard enough? I need him to be more independent of me for certain, but don't want him to think I don't care.

I'm going to go out on a limb, and I could be completely wrong, but it is kind of sounding to me like he isn't ready to be more independent. It has to come from him, not you. We can nudge, but our kids have to actually make the moves. Remember that his emotional and social maturity are both likely to quite a few years behind his age, and then consider if you would ask, say, a 13 year old to be more independent. Yes, schools with transition programs are one way to fill in that developmental gap, but so is allowing your child to live at home while attending a Junior College or other local option.

I think he should be allowed to try pursuing his current dream, while he is still young enough for you to be there with a safety net. But when kids talk about those sorts of dreams, I like to ask them a simple question: what are you doing to make the dream a reality? If they can't answer that, I remind them that lots of people share the dream, only a small fraction can ever live it, and it isn't just going to happen because you want it to. So, how do they plan to make it happen? If they can't spark into action after pondering that, they aren't cut out for it. JHMO.

Telling him he needs to stay enrolled in school part time while he pursues the dream is totally reasonable; that type of career is a risky choice, so suggesting to your child that he slowly build a little bit of his own safety net should make some logical sense to him.

My son is in high school, too, and from what I've seen, plenty of kids (NT or AS) just are not ready for the next step. There isn't much point in going away to college if the drive isn't there; first year in college is rough on most people to start with, and when you realize that the kids they will be competing against WILL have that drive, it puts those that don't at a disadvantage. Junior colleges are a real option for kids who still need to sort it all out, or who want to pursue careers like voice acting and need to test the waters to see how viable it might be for them.

My son is a Sophomore and he has long known what areas he wants to consider for a career, and what study path he should be on. Some people just do, just know. Others don't. But we can't make that happen; it comes from within the child. And one thing to remember with AS kids is that their best careers come from following their gifts and special interests.

Anyway. Don't know if this helps at all, but those are my thoughts.

Thank you.

I have been thinking the local route might be best. I am going to encourage him to write a letter that can be sent to the local stations (my boss happens to be very good friends with the owner of a local station too) to see if they will allow him to shadow for a few days. He needs to have something constructive to occupy his time this summer, and I don't see him being a grocery bag person at our local market. Left to his own devices, he would stay in his room only coming out to get food/drink/or bathroom.

I tend to forget that he is basically much younger than he is (of course he is 6'4" and has facial hair). My daughter and my best friend both feel that he will only be as independent as he thinks I want him to be. I need to show him more that he is capable of being more responsible.

It is so hard to let them go when we have spent so much time and energy advocating and fighting for everything.

It also sounds like he needs to work on some of the life skills needed to be independent, managing a budget, managing time, household chores and maintenance, meal planning and preparation, transportation, etc. a few years exploring his dreams, taking a couple of classes at the jr. College and learning these skills can go a long way in being successfully when independent.

My son had an appointment with his mental health counselor yesterday afternoon, and we briefly discussed the letters to the stations (he thought I was doing, I said he needed to and I would be happy to help), and taking things a bit slower. He almost seemed to sigh some. Of course, then his anxiety went back up because his therapist notified us that he will only be doing intakes from this point forward. Previously he was seeing patients one day a week. So now we start over with a new therapist. At least it is summer, so maybe he can become comfortable with her now and then when school starts we should be good.

We also discussed that he needs to find something constructive to do this summer. For Christmas I bought him a professional microphone, and I plan to Frankenstein a system for him that he can use to work with it over the summer. He takes a class at school that involves this sort of thing, and I hope to just keep that going.

Appreciate the input folks.

I went to college straight out of high school, even when I felt I wasn't ready, because that is what my parents insisted I do. And they insisted upon that, partially because I was "too smart not to go to college."

It was a disaster on almost every level humanly possible. I did poorly in school, got mixed up with the wrong kids, made incredibly stupid choices, and just pretty much wasted a couple of years of my life while incurring debt.

Just a cautionary tale to make you feel better about taking things slower.

I did eventually go back to college. I have a graduate degree. But I was not ready right out of high school.

I think as long as you do not allow inertia to set in and hold him to "adult" expectations (meaning he can not just lay around the house and wait for things to fall into his lap), you can find a way to keep things at a pace that will not overwhelm him.

Someone mentioned this book to me today, and I thought of you. I haven't read it myself, but thought I would pass along the recommendation.

Also, it's not directed at people with AS so they can see that many young adults need help with these things, not just because they have AS.

I've read a few things here that could perhaps be combined into a workable scenario.

Would it be possible at all to get (parttime) education at this state university for the first year and only have him move there once comfortable? I think continuing at least some school helps maintain momentum in that direction; it's far more difficult to go back when you're used to not having that type of activity in your life.

In the mean time you could do things to help him practice life skills, such as making him responsible for family dinner (what is the budget? think of a meal, buy, prepare) twice a week and letting him figure out his own logistics when he has to return a book to the library (there are busses, how would you go about this? i can join you the first time but you have to figure out the plan).

This combined with activities at this local radio station could be a mix that will help him build confidence in doing things by himself without having to jump in the deep end.

Thank you for the input. I need to have some one on one time (without him having his headphones on) and discuss everything. I thought about preparing a sample letter for him, or enlisting the help from his English teacher. Looks like we have a busy summer for him.

Have a great week everyone.


Vicky