Sibling Explosion

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Help! Please! I have a 16 year old aspie daughter, and a 13 year old more or less NT daughter with attention deficit problems. The older one was recently hospitalized for depression and anxiety and is out now but still struggling. The younger one is both insanely jealous of the attention her older sister gets and going through an extremely self-centered phase. The result is constant explosions and deeper and deeper damage to their relationship. Older daughter has meltdowns as she tries to deal with re-entry into "normal" life and younger daughter increases the meltdowns by helping herself to her sisters' clothes, stomping and slamming doors, and acting out against her dad and me because we "never pay attention" to her (not true, by the way, but that's how she feels). Last night older daughter was screaming that her sister was a b***h and we should kick her out of the house (as we held her to keep her from biting and scratching herself, while younger daughter was demanding that we stop paying attention to older daughter and instead pay attention to her. My husband and I are at our wits' ends. Any suggestions?

Well, if your younger daughter has attention problems she's not NT (add is a neurological problem too). Would it help to consider that you have two special needs children? Your younger daughter may not realize that you have to focus on your older now. Maybe try having a bit of one on one time with your younger daughter?

It's a great suggestion, but all my younger daughter wants to do with me is have me buy her things or drive her places. Have offered to take her on walks, go to a cafe together, play cards, whatever I can think of. She's not interested.

I often think that ADD/ADHD are really ways of expressing a neurology similar to autism. I wonder if younger daughter is struggling with a lot of the routine/rigidity/communication issues that get focus in her older sister, and isn't really able to tell you what she needs.

Of course, this kind of situation is hard on any sibling of any neurology: it must be frightening to know that your sister might have died, and I can completely see that one way to handle that fear is to minimize it (meaning turning "might have died" in your head into "being an attention hog.") That would explain a lot of the behavior directed at her sister.

Can you get your second daughter her own social worker/counselor? Sounds like at the very least, she needs somebody's undivided attention to process everything that's going on, including her own neurology. Since she wants you to buy her things, tell her in advance that you will buy her X (you make the call, otherwise she will keep upping the ante) if she makes an honest effort with a counselor.

It sounds like your younger daughter is starved for attention, and is to the point of accepting any kind of attention, even negative attention.

As hard as it may be you have to give her attention and spend time with her without her sister. Maybe try planning a weekly activity with just her and either you or your husband or both. She is old enough to understand that her sister needs more attention, but she deserves time with her parents where her sister isn't the focus of attention.

This is a fairly common thing really in families where there is a high needs child.