My heart broke a little...

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So dd5 (dxed asd) had a play date the other day with another little girl. We met up at the park. Things went ok. Better than usual as thos kid was really nice and willing to go along with the roly poly obsession etc... At one point dd wandered off and sulked on a park bench. Just sat there squirming and writhing (her form of stemming I guess) the way she usually does and definitely bothered by something. I asked her what. She didn't answer. I asked again. No answer, not even sure she's heard me so get down into her space where she can see me and I asked again. She tells me, "it's just not right. Something's not there. We're playing and she's nice and I shared with her like I'm supposed to but something's missing. I don't feel something. It's broken and I can't fix it."

Right in the feels.

(((hugs)))

Talk about deep perception.

I want to share something. My son connects on a deep level with very few kids. At 5 he didn't really understand that; he revealed in simply having kids be nice to him as it appealed to his outgoing nature and he enjoyed attention. When he matured more he realized that having someone be nice to you when you talk about your obsessions wasn't quite the same as having them share them. So then he went through a phase of trying to get other kids to take them on. Which of course did not work. Eventually he settled into realizing that he didn't enjoy being with people who didn't truly share his obsessions the way he did, and narrowed his social circle.

I wonder if you have an opportunity to accelerate a bunch of those steps and phases. Could your daughter understand that there are different levels of friendship, and that sometimes it is fun to play with someone who is just nice, and sometimes you want to be with someone who in their heart shares your interest? Maybe it's too much, but it seems to me like she's opened a door, and I would try to use it.

Social life is never going to be easy for our kids. But they can settle into a social life they enjoy and that works for them.

She figured that out at five? Wow! It would have made me really sad, too; but at the same time I actually do think it is really amazing. My son is seven, and would never be able to get that, much less articulate it. Wow. I never could have articulated that at five, either.

I agree with DWMom, that this is a good opportunity to use as a learning moment. Maybe write her a social story on different kinds of play and different kinds of friendship, and say in it that there are casual friendships and acquaintanceships where you have casual fun and deeper friendships that are more close and meaningful with shared interests and that they both have their merits.

If it turns out that she does not want casual friendships like that, it really is OK. When I was her age, I had one friend and did not want more even for casual purposes. However, I think it would be helpful to explain that friendships and play have gradations of commitment, so she understands it is not an all or nothing choice. I wish somebody would have told me that, instead of just being mean about it and telling me I should play with other kids so they would not hate me and then later not let me play with them later, if I changed my mind. Not that there was not truth to it, but ...you know... it was unhelpful saying it like that especially since I did not care and never did change my mind.

DS was struggling when he was that little, too. Some of it was "all-or-nothing" thinking - either kids are "best" friends or they don't exist (DS once succinctly described people who weren't his friends as "extras in my movie.") He has always really struggled with being nice to people he isn't close with.

It's so hard to watch - but the good thing is that your DD has YOU! You will help her sort it out eventually. Hugs.