Coping with Puberty...

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Hello All,
I'm new here, was looking up a support forum and the name Wrong Planet caught my attention. I was just thinking of the "Holland" poem the other day, wrong planet says it well too. My daughter is 12 and on the spectrum with retardation and learning disorders.

Just so frustrating with the schools...she was in an enclosed classroom the last few years. She was close to the teacher and other students. Then one day I suppose they had someone they wanted to put in her slot and she was transferred the following Monday. I wasn't pleased but we can't manage a private school.

Her last school was terrific. The staff was helpful, even her teacher had a success story...she too had major learning disabilities as a kid, know that can make a difference. In the new school they "exposed her to new concepts and blahblahblah". There has been a lot of schoolwork she's brought home that I KNOW she has no understanding of...she was uh hem...exposed to it though.

Basically it's the 5th grade testing, the challenged kids take it too. Incredible...like a machine that processes kids and spits them out after 12 years of education. She only is in this school for two more months but just needless humiliation. At her other school they knew her, they knew me, they understood having a special needs kid.

This school has been condescending from the beginning-
At a conference-"Oh are there books in the home?" We probably have more books in the home than they have in the whole %&*$*&* school

The nurse calling-"We've been concerned-doesn't that phrase make you want to throttle someone over the phone???! !!!-about E's hygiene, does she bathe?" Naw, I just splash her with cold water when she looks a little grimey...HOW DARE THEY?

The matter of why she wears the same shirts a few days in a row-because they're her favorites at the moment-I wash clothes through the week, don't try to tell me I'm negligent and she's dirty. I have a degree in social work myself, I know exactly the checklist they're reading

And now the part where puberty fits in-the school nurse again-"Her classmates have said she smells bad"...even with a bath or two or three a day...I'm trying to make her understand she's a big girl now and she has to wear deodorant every day. But laziness, I don't know...I guess I have to stand and watch her put it on. She has a whole collection of girly fragranced roll ons, she could wear a different scent every day...

Just the effort of every day with her and this stupid school adding their humiliations to the mix. Spent a couple days after the last attack being afraid they would call child services with their "concerns". It didn't happen but you do get afraid. We have two dogs who love us dearly but are tweaky with strangers...deep breath...thank you for letting me vent

Yikes! I am so sorry. I don't know where you are, but in the U.S at least they cannot just change placement on you without an ARD process. I would imagine that there is something similar where you are? If she was doing better in her prior placement I would call another ARD and try to get her put back where she was. Where I am they can't just remove you b/c they want someone else where you are.

I actually feel a bit better, the pen is mightier than the sword and all of that. I wrote an anonymous email to the super of schools. I'm an English Major, I can write in High English when I want to...just basically telling him about the situation and how disappointed I am that a school in his district would blahblahblah.

They did ask me before they transferred her. First off they made it sound like an option they were only suggesting. Not that they planned to ship her out the following week! And they played up her positive abilities and how the new class would challenge her in a positive way. Not that they would put her in a class and present typical 5th grade studies to a child with minimal abstract reasoning and almost no math ability.

It was ridiculous...some of her homework would be labeled pre algebra concepts-she still has difficulty counting 1-30 without coaching...division for cripes sake...I would write notes to the teacher, talk to her caseworker and they just kept repeating that it was good for her to be "presented" with the material.

Her one strong point is she can read. My kid she better read...heeheehee...but even with that, she can read very well, ask her to explain what she read and beyond key words she remembers...not much sinking in there. The class she had been in were children who couldn't count to thirty even with coaching and could only read minimally. So in a school district that's up there on other issues there is no middle ground?

Either she has to be in a classroom of children not remotely near her abilities or in a mainstream closed class completely over her head...is that the best they can do with the obscene taxes to live here??? Rahhh, I have got to call the school board or the blinking case manager or someone who can give me some answers. She's supposed to start middle school in the Fall...and I don't know what adaptions they can make...wish me luck

As far as I know, an IEP can be ammended at any time. I'd look into getting this done right away so you can advocate for proper supports - adaptations and modifications - wherever needs fit. I would also bring a paraprofessional (of any kind) with you. Is there anyone you can ask?

You mentioned private school .. was she in a private school program or are you just saying private school is not an option?

I would contact the school board's case worker (not the in-school worker) and file a complaint. Have the IEP meeting first.

As a parent, you have the right to accept and deny any plans brought up in a collaborative meeting. After all, it's a collaborative meeting and you are the most important person there. I've had to advocate strongly for my son .. expressing where his needs are .. and his school has accomodated very well.

Thank you thank you for the encouragement so far but can you clarify who is who is who in the school board and school? I don't know who can advocate for us. There is the case manager for special ed who seems all smiles and totally clueless. I think the only information he has is what the teacher writes down and the overview of the class agenda. If any of it is accurate is irrelevant.

But when I have called the special ed office actually in the school board building I got calls from the above case manager saying I was kind of going over the chain of command. That I should have called him first..." To straighten out any concerns you might be having about your daughters placement and how beautifully she is doing in her new school and...". I want to somehow cut the crap and find out what options we have for September.

There is a very well known special needs school close by, but out of district. From what I understand the school district has to request the transfer if they believe they cannot accommodate my daughters needs...see where this is going?...they DON'T WANT to admit the truth, that my kid is just another goldfish in the tank...Suggestions?

Maybe if you complain and pester the school enough, they'll request the transfer in order to get rid of you.
That's what I would do. They seem pretty lazy; I doubt they want to deal with an "annoying" parent in their offices every day.

When I was in primary school I was terrible at arithmatic, I couldn't learn the multiplication tables. But that wasn't really a problem for me to learn algebra in highschool. I even took the math-heavy curriculum and it went ok. I'm still horrible at arithmatic though. I'm not sure whether this applies to your daughter, but perhaps this is the reasoning they use for the "presented with the material" comment.
In a similar way I picked up reading quickly, but reciting the alphabet took much longer for me to learn than the other kids. So I was also much slower in looking up stuff in a dictionary or other alphabetically ordered list.

About the hygiene: I can see how it might feel like a personal attack, but it is still important. Kids that age and older can be very judgmental about these things. To be accepted in a social group means you have to conform to some arbitrary standard of hygiene.
As a kid my parents had to remind me to wash my hair and then make sure I did it, because I didn't care about it.

Are you in the US (somehow I got the impression you were overseas)? If yes, go talk to an educational advocate (a consultant rather than a lawyer) -- usually they will offer a 1 hr consult for free -- to get some idea what your rights are, what options are available in your area, and how to go about getting a better placement. You should also read From Emotions to Advocacy by Peter Wright. There should've been an IEP meeting where you signed off on changing schools, so there might have been a procedural violation that a lawyer could use if this goes to mediation.

Have you told her that you have gotten calls about her hygiene and that other people are noticing it? While some people may think it's cruel and wrong to tell her that, I disagree. I think she needs to know this so she will see that others can notice it. I have AS and I know that I tend to think that other people won't notice something that I don't notice, and I'm usually wrong about that. I know that, so I know I have to look at things from someone else's point of view.

Maybe if you told her that you have gotten calls from the school about it and that she really needs to start showering and wearing clean clothes and deodorant because if she doesn't then both of you will get in trouble? That might be easier for her to understand rather than a vague idea of "You should do this". Someone noticing her and saying something to you about it is very different than the fact that someone might notice it. Telling her that people have noticed it will make it personal and make it apply to her, where it's very easy to feel that it doesn't apply to you when you are told "You should do this because...."People noticing and commenting is a consequence of her actions. If she doesn't know that there are consequences that are happening now then she doesn't see a need to change her behavior.

Thinking person's guide to autism posted this resource, thought I'd share: http://www.thinkingautismguide.com/2013 ... o.html?m=1

I agree with Oliveoilmom.

The other thing to consider, maybe it's forgetfulness and not laziness.

I know a lot of women who carry a travel size antiperspirant in their purse in case they have to reapply during the day.

Maybe that's something she can start carrying, in case she forgets in the morning.