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I am the autistic in this scenario... I have taken on taking care of my cousin's daughter for the summer, she's seven, she's got more social skills than I do, and she's just great.

But I let her walk all over me, I don't do this with adults but I feel like.. afraid to hurt her feelings or I feel like I'm this huge grown up in comparison to her, she's 40-50lbs, and when I get the urge to be like "I said NO, I meant NO.." I can't even do it. I just give in and let her do what she wants. The constant nagging when she wants something, I get so irritated that I give in so I won't snap and end up being short with her or making her feel like I'm mad at her.

I am struggling with this and it's pathetic because I would never let an adult act like this with me.

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I am assuming you are not planning to use physical punishment or anything, so size really is not an issue. (I am not trying to start a flame war on spanking. I am just addressing a point the OP made, please do not flame me)

I know it seems harsh, but saying "no," is part of the territory. It is not a traumatic thing. Loving parents say, "no" all the time, because kids don't always know what is wise or safe. It is not harsh. It is responsible. She'll get that, and won't be angry long, anyway. My son is autistic and he perseverates a lot, but can never stay mad at me. An NT will be easier, even, I think because they tend to dwell less. (Well less than my son, anyway.)

If you have sensory issues with the nagging (and I can understand that) try giving yourself a "time out" and telling her you need to be alone for awhile. Give yourself that break.

You don't have to discipline the kid. All you have to do is say, "You can do that, but I'm going to have to tell your mom/dad about it."

Or, "You want XYZ? Well I will have to ask your parents if that's ok. Are you sure you want me to do that?"

But you will at some point have to call them. Because the kid will test you.

You don't have to discipline. You just have to ask the right questions. Let the parents do the dirty work, that's our job

I have one NT child and one ASD child and the following was effective for both:

1) When you ask them to do something (or not do something), follow it with a simple reason. For example, if she wants a cookie, and it is too close to dinner / you don't want to spoil her appetite, tell her exactly that. And offer her some veggies to snack on since she is probably telling you she is hungry right now. If she wants to play video games for 3 hours and you need to cut her off, tell her that you think she'll feel better if she takes a break, whether she recognizes that herself or not. If she doesn't want to clean up after herself, remind her that everyone feels happier in a clean home, and it won't clean itself, so we all do our part. And so on. Keep it all as positive as possible.

2) If that doesn't work, ask her to state her case for not agreeing to your instruction. Tell her she gets one chance and needs to make it good. They learn to really think about why they are being contradictory, and sometimes they really do have a good reason. For a case well stated, I change my mind. More often, I make it clear I've heard and understood their argument, but my original decision stands. It does take time for them to learn to get their arguments right the first time, so allow 3 tries first, then 2, and move onto just one when she's ready.

3) Remind yourself that kids actually really are happier with rules and structure. They may protest in the moment, but you actually are letting them down if you don't say what you mean and do as you say. Kids love to test and express, but they need and thrive under structure and consistency.

4) Remind yourself that kids go through ages and stages and just because you are doing everything right, does not mean it will work in that moment. At which point, you simply stand firm, remembering that if you don't, the child will actually be less happy in the long run. If my kids wanted to rant off by themselves, they were allowed go for it, but I was an unmovable island and I did what I knew I needed to do. More often than not, anyway; no one is perfect

Also ... you can expect her to learn what pushes your buttons. You'll need a plan for that. If noise rattles you, have earphones or earplugs handy. If she's got perfectly timed puppy eyes to pull on your heart strings, learn to congratulate her on her performance while not changing your mind one bit. And so on.

And ... she probably is not as delicate as you were. You won't hurt her by doing what needs to be done. You, as a child, were vulnerable because ASD leaves you in a heightened state to start with. She'll have times she is like that due to overstimulation or other things going on, but that won't be every day all day. If there is a good reason for her behavior, that should come up in the "make your case and make it good" opportunity.

More important is to be careful in the language you choose. She isn't bad, what she did (the behavior) was bad. Doing something wrong does not make her stupid or bad; it means she is still learning and she can't learn if no one ever points it out to her. Instead of saying her hair is a mess, say you think it would just lovely if it were brushed, since then it shines so prettily when it is brushed. Etc.

Best of luck. They wouldn't have asked you if they didn't feel you could do the job.

Man, there is so much that could be said but it sounds like you need the reader's digest version. Here's some of the top items from my list

1. Pick your battles, ahead of time if at all possible. What are some of the things she pushes you about? Having an extra cookie with snack or not brushing her teeth? Having extra video game time or choosing to do things that are very unsafe, e.g. not listening to you about going out in the street? If there are items that she pushes you about regularly, decide how you need to respond and be as consistent as you possibly can (I think most if not all of us just give in sometimes because we don't have the energy to enforce the NO).
2. Give her choices whenever it is feasible so that you can say yes a lot of the time. Make sure that the choices are both acceptable (I usually limit it to 2 choices though with an NT kid you could open that up more) , e.g. do you want ham or tunafish for lunch? Milk or water? Banana or orange?
3. Redirect when she is whining about something. E.g. if she is whining because you can't go to the pool because it is raining, try to find new game you can play or another fun activity you can do.
4. I would probably plan some down time for yourself each day. Can you schedule her activities so that there can be like an hour where she can completely occupy herself and you can have some quiet time to recharge? Being with a kid that age all day every day can take a lot out of you no matter who you are. Don't feel bad if you just need a break during hte day.

As long as you remain calm and in control of yourself, you won't hurt or frighten her by saying no and setting limits. Kids need to know what the rules are. But don't just suddenly start imposing rules--sit her down while you're both feeling good and explain to her that you're not mad at her but that you're going to have to have some rules for both of you to follow while she stays with you.

Ask her questions like, "What if the grownup said, 'You can't go outside without asking first,' and the kid did it anyway and got lost? Was the kid doing wrong?" Get her to have a dialogue about what you and she think is acceptable behaviour.

And give her some limited choices. If she starts whining for a later bedtime, make her do something to earn it. Tell her, "You can stay up late if you help me pick up in the living room, or you can go play in your room for a while before you go to sleep" If she begs for unhealthy snacks, giver her a choice of acceptable alternatives. "No, you can;t have Doritos, but you can have a piece of cheese or some peanut-butter crackers." That way you don't have to be a total nay-saying dictator all the time and the child will feel like she's being heard.

And sometimes, she's not going to want to follow the rules, and soetimes you're going to lose your cool. She will be okay and so will you.

And one more thing that worked for me with my NT daughter--she had a great imagination, so I just told her, "If you keep doing that, you're not going to like what's gonna happen." I hardly ever had to actually do anything, just let her mind run wild.

Let's put it this way: sometimes cute and defenseless things need boundaries. Puppies, for example. We are using our power as bigger, more intelligent beings to let the puppy know that it can't do whatever it wants - and sometimes that makes the puppy feel bad.

It's hard for anyone to be the "fun aunt" and then to suddenly have to switch gears and be a caregiver. It is no wonder you are having a hard time: anybody would.

Another thing to think about is that being without boundaries is probably also scary and upsetting for a little girl. She needs limits to feel secure, because she needs to know that you will stop her if she's going to do something dangerous. You don't have to be mean about it, just firm, gentle, and insistent - like you would with a puppy.

When you say you are caring for her all summer, do you mean 24/7 or just when her parent/s is/are at work? I assumed it was 24/7, but if it is not you can at least coordinate with your cousin and see what the usual consequences are. Did your cousin leave you any instructions as to how discipline is normally done? If you were following "rules" it might seem easier to you.

Just because she is little, does not mean she cannot handle being told "no," or handle consequences. You don't even have to yell. Being calm and saying "no," can be effective as well. (Probably better most times b/c emotion is not clouding things, and kids tend to feed on it.) My son is autistic not NT and he prefers calm. I am not NT and yelling scared me as it did you, so I don't know if NTs have a better tolerance for it. They probably do, but you do not have to yell. Just be calm and rational. (Oh and firm and consistent)

I talked to my cousin about it and she suggested time-outs, which I don't even think I could do that unless she sets my house on fire or something. She did say "Threaten her with me." and I think that could work. In any case, I also took bits and pieces of advice from this thread and it totally worked for now. I take care of her about eleven hours everyday, sometimes more.

It has completely worn me out every single day that I've been watching her. I didn't know kids could be this tiring.

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Is there any way your cousin could get alternate babysitting? I am sure you love your cousin and all, but it seems like this is overwhelming you and stressing you out. I hope she is at least paying you for this as you are saving her a ton of money. It does not seem to have been a fair request of her to make of you.

Usually at this age - at least with NT kids - getting a group of kids together will make it easier on you.

However, 11-hour stretches of childcare are long for anyone - it probably isn't that you are a pushover, but that you are exhausted!