Just a vent about in-laws

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Ugh! Currently visiting my in-laws. My mother-in-law pinned me down and tried to force me to watch a SuperNanny episode she taped because it had a three year old autistic kid in it and just knew I could get something from it. She has been mentioning it on the telephone for months and I keep telling her no. I kept trying to brush her off and tell her I wasn't into watching reality TV. After saying this several times, she wouldn't let it go. Then she says "Even if it has an expert on autism in it?" I finally told her I have read dozens of books of autism (which she knows). I currently have Temple Grandin's newest book with me to read while on vacation. I then said I highly doubted I was going to get some amazing insights from SuperNanny helping a 3 year old autistic child who isn't verbal, when my son is almost 12, has always been very vocal, and is very outgoing. Plus, I wasn't in the mood to watch anything other than something light and fun. She lives 13 hours away and sees him twice a year, but she is an expert! She stomped to her room and has been pouting with me ever since. Apparently it is continuing this morning. Funny how she never mentions watching this junk with her own son. He can do no wrong. Thankfully, we are on our way home first thing in the morning.

I don't really need any advice. My husband just doesn't want to hear me complain anymore.

Ugh. So sorry.

Is it really reality TV in your country? In my country, there is a similar show, that also calls itself Reality-TV, but is simply nothing more then a show. Maybe your mother in law was upset, because of her trying to help, but that reality TV was the best she could bring up, because out of lack of knowledge? (I dont mean it in a bad way, but there is enormous information about autism, so if you try to read a very professional book, without having experiences or knowledge before, you might simply not be able to understand it.) It could have made her upset, that what she thought herself to be interesting and amazing new knowledge, maybe was simply "old toast" for you.

In-laws (and other older relatives sometimes) can be so out of touch with what is helpful, and so self-centered when it comes to the interactions. I'm sure she is totally convinced that she is absolutely right and just being a saint in this interaction. (This is why we aren't telling my in-laws or my grandma. They're bad enough just thinking that the kids are "bratty")

She probably wanted to feel like she had some valuable input to offer. I'd have watched it once to make her happy, and then drawn the line on any other suggestions afterwards.

I am not even angry. We had a bit of a tense interaction where she wouldn't quit pushing and when she wouldn't let it go, I stood my ground and said I wasn't going to watch it. To me it isn't a big deal. Neither of use said anything hurtful or rude to the other. To me you just take a few minutes to regroup and move on. My sister in law is here and asked me if I was going to smooth things over and apologize. Perhaps I am being mule headed, but I am not apologizing for stating I don't care to watch a specific TV show.

She is a lovely person most of the time. My in-laws spoil us and we have a mostly enjoyable time when we visit. However, she and I usually have one of these moments every time I come here because she is always choosing some topic and deciding she must force it down our throats. We can't nod and pretend to listen enough, she will pick the topic up over and over each day until we are about to go crazy because she wants me to agree with her on everything. When I hit my limit and push back, she always gets mad and goes to her room and pouts for a day or two. Usually it is something she has watched on FoxNews. This time it is about SuperNanny.

You could offer this semi-not-really-an-apology-apology:

"Look, I know you just want to help, and that since you found this show interesting, you thought it might be one way to do that. I just truly don't think there can be anything Super Nanny knows that I don't already, and I would much rather spend my time enjoying your company. I do appreciate your desire to help, I do."

Those sorts of statements tend to work really well.

Sounds like you guys have a good relationship. I thought she was one of those in law who are critical and think you need to be tougher on your autistic child or something. I think Super Nanny is pretty tough with the kids and teach the parents to be so too even people have disagreed how she does it. Some people just prefer to be softer with kids. Maybe she was hurt you rejected her help. I know how that is when you try and be helpful and someone rejects it, it hurts and then you don't even want to bother anymore. You make someone breakfast and the first thing they do is "Nah that is okay, I wanted to go out to eat with my buddies" and your food just sits there you made them you probbaly don't make them food ever again. But she also sounds like one of those annoying black and white thinkers. She is NT right? I hope so.

I'm with you - I'd rather jab pencils in my eyes than watch Super Nanny!

I feel your pain, honey. So sorry. Oddly enough, I'm getting the same sort of flack about our family dog. All I have to do is watch "The Dog Whisperer," and I will magically be able to cure my dog's behavior problems in an instant! BAHAHAHAAHA! Wow, maybe someone should make a TV program that will ensure world peace if all those demented dictators in far-off places watched it...

Instead of seeing it as "her jamming it down your throat" see it as her trying to be helpful in the only way she knows how. What's wrong with watching the show? Even if Supernanny knows less than you do, you may learn something in the process.. that something could be what she does that DOESN'T work. Maybe you just see it as her telling you what to do and it bothers you since you know she doesn't treat her son in the same way. Honestly though, you are MOM so she probably trusts your ability over dad's.

Keep an open mind when people are trying to help - particularly if it's family.

My thoughts keep in mind I do not get along with my in-laws)

I am also a person who does not like unsolicited advice, especially if I think the person is offering it b/c she thinks I do not know what I am doing. Maybe this is insecurity on my part, maybe I just have a thing about boundaries, maybe it is b/c I can't stand the exhausting conversations that happen when people try to ram things down my throat, and I feel disrespected. Anyway, there is no way I could have tolerated sitting through that show. I would have tried to be nice, but stood my ground, which is what it sounds like you did.

Not giving advice--since you didn't want any---just saying I totally understand.

I would have watched it because my own curiosity would be dying to know how it would relate to my son, or rather how she thinks it relates.
If it doesn't, then you could educate her on why Supernanny may have helped that one child but that doesn't mean she has all the answers. Then try to get her to read one of your books on Autism that actually does relate to your son.

I can understand your frustration though, we are not in contact with my husband's parents... 8 yrs, long story. It was NEVER easy.

So sorry! Ugh. My inlaws believe my son should eat what's put in front of him, should be quiet(er), should never say anything rude, even once I heard "in my family, kids didn't speak unless spoken to..." Even friends on facebook, always posting things saying how back in their day, kids got their asses whooped if they were rude, and how parents need to not take any flack, etc etc etc. Well I'm here to tell you - I am a teacher and I've been a step mom to three sets of kids in three failed relationships, and some kids are just easy. Some kids can be told "pick up those toys and then go to your room for bed" and they get up and pick up the toys and go to bed. It does not mean they have better parents. It simply means they are more compliant.

A few months ago right before my son's autism dx we were in Ikea ordering food. He was going nutty about what he wanted and didn't want and was being super loud and very rude. A lady behind me said "that's what you call a defiant child" and I said "excuse me?" and she turned red and walked off. I swear, I am not a violent person, and if I was ever to be violent I certainly hope I wouldn't do it in front of my son and 48 other families trying to eat their Swedish meatballs... but man, it was a close one.

You have my sympathy too. I want a T-shirt that says on the front, "I'm glad YOUR life is perfect," and on the back, "Now MYOB!"

My son will have this kind of meltdown a lot in various food ordering places. Usually over something like there is not enough/ too much ice in his drink. He'll get really loud, then yell: "Stop it, you're interrupting me!" if anybody tries to speak to him/ calm him. He'll lose it over the question: "Do you want to try some chicken fingers?" if he happens to not be in the mood for chicken fingers. He'll say: "I HATE CHICKEN FINGERS!! I TOLD YOU THAT! YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO MY WORDS!! !" I get a lot of 'what a rude child' stares from people. However, it does not work to try and reason with him or point out how rude he is being in the moment.

My inlaws did not speak (they recently passed) English, so I would be spared of any snide comments, if there were any. But, my family is always acting like I have just the rudest, most out of control child. And make comments in front of my son about how much he cries.