how to help sibling interactons

Post Reply New Topic

My son is soon to be 8, he is HF ASpergers. He LOVES BABIES, and all toddlers who don't really talk much but follow him around. He was AWESOME with his little sister until she was about 3. That is when she started to have thoughts and ideas of her own, ,and was less likely to go along with whatever he said. NOW my son is terrible to her. She is 4, she idolizes him. He is always negative to her, rude, includes everyone but her. Will NEVER play what she wants, will NEVER help her unless it has something to do with what he wants her to do. But he wants her to play his games and do what he asks and sadly, she does. She also hits him out of frustration when he is being mean to her. I don't agree with it and she always gets into time out for hitting, but I can understand the root of her frustration with him.

We also have a baby and he is sweet as pie to the baby. He is all over his baby brother, so nice to him talks sweet and loves to just sit with him. And when his sister comes to hi he pushes her away.

it is so sad to me to see them have this relationship. I know man siblings fight and don't get along, but it is mostly HIM. When he is nice to her, she is awesome to him. When he is not nice, that is when she hits and yells. He s mostly not nice to her.

I would love to learn some ways to gently encourage him to be nicer to his sister. SOme things I have done already:

1. ask him how he would feel if she treated him as he treats her. We go over specific examples of things he has done, how he would feel if it was done to him by her, etc...he says he would feel bad and be upset. I ask how then do you thnk she feels? He says bad and upset, but refuses to change his behavior with her.

2. Remind him that if he is nice to her, she will do anything for him, and will be nice in return. Go over specific ways he can be nice. Go over those ways seconds before they have an interaction. He rarely follows thru. if he does it is with a negative tone or body language.

3. set up win/win situations for them both. He chooses a game to play with her, she chooses one to play with him.

4. Roleplay social interactions with her.

5. try to understand his perspective. I say how I understand having a little sister can be annoying, or ask how he feels with her. Also try to have him understand her perspective.

6. Explain to him how much he copies his dad casue he loves him, that's why his sister copies him, or wants to be with him so much.

so far nothing has helped. I am open for any ideas!! !

Maybe try giving him a list of very concrete things to do each day with his sister, and he can earn time with his special privilege. If you don't have him earning time for other things such as following rules, doing a chore, doing homework or whatever, then I'd start, so that you can start the idea of an economy just like in real life. Go to work, get money. That sort of thing.

Some concrete things that can earn him time on his computer or time on a video game or to watch a TV show or play legos or play outside or play with his collection of stuff, whatever it is that's currently important and motivating to him, might be:

- play with his sister for 10 minutes and say "you are smart" or "you did that well" or "I like having you for a sister" or "that was fun" or whatever you can come up with that is specific and concrete... He can be like a special agent who's on a mission.

- find times during the rest of the day to do things like
- hand her a toy
- hug her gently if she wants it
- smile at her
- tell her a silly story

At dinner, compliment her with "you're sitting up like a big girl" or "great job eating your veggies, sis."

I'd say just keep track of him saying and doing things throughout the day but you don't want him just doing it in a fake manner to earn points... That's why specific things for play time, dinner time, bed time can help make the statements more real and sincere and not just blurted out as he's smacking her or pulling her hair... A special agent can figure out what she needs in the moment (if she's crying, she might need a hug, if she can't reach something, she might need help) and can be on "special assignment" to the parents to help them raise a happy kid... Of course your son should get the same treatment from you, for good modeling.

You might also outline specific things that would cause him to lose points/lose time, but sometimes negative stuff just causes tantrums, so use your best judgement. And yes they will fight, and you won't know for sure each time who did what, but if you see specific things, like him teasing her, name calling or hitting, you might choose to take away a point.

Your son might even make a list of other stuff he could do, and think about stuff he might do for the baby too when the baby gets older. You could have a cool discussion about what kids need in the family to feel secure and happy, and he could think of things he likes and doesn't like and use that info for making out his list.

He can also learn some rote things to say when she's annoying him. "I do not like that." "It is not OK to hit me." "Ask for the toy instead of ripping it out of my hand. We can take turns." That sort of stuff can be an assignment for a special agent too, using the best statements to teach her about discipline. If he's scientific he might enjoy recording her responses to various statements and talking with you about what seems to work well and what doesn't. Great opportunity to do the same sort of discussions about his friends and classmates - what fosters friendship, what creates hard feelings.

He could make a notebook for the general plan of "getting along with my sister" with some headings such as "help her feel good about herself", "help her see she's loved", "help her learn to have good behavior" and ideas for each one. And tell him since he's older, some of that stuff applies to him too but since he's older he can try thinking about it in his head instead of listing it out like he does for a younger kid. He might even make her a flip chart about stuff, just like a parent might make for him either now or when he was younger. He could look in magazines for pictures and cut them out and glue them on to make a chart that shows teeth brushing, cleaning up toys, sharing, going to bed, eating veggies...

He could expand his notebook to add stuff about dealing successfully with his parents and other relatives, teachers, whatever. It can be just a minor little thing, or if he's really into it and spends a lot of effort, you might talk to him about authors and illustrators, and maybe make a color copy of what he makes to donate to another family or just for the grandparents or whatever, just to help him feel proud of his hard work, if he is OK with sharing it.

Good luck!

You have probably tried this but if not, I would try approaching it from a scientific/logic point of view. Make a little visual handout about the preschool stage, and show him what is realistic to expect from her. Whenever my son is going to be around kids that age I explain it to him in a way that makes him feel important and grown up and more mature than the preschooler/early schooler. I don't ask for much from him, just not to overact if the kid lashes out or acts impulsive. I tell him he/she doesn't know better because he/she is a baby. (Since you have a bay, say pre-schooler, or something) He may not understand that kids that age don't have a lot of self-control in addition to the new-found ability to assert oneself.

Maybe explain that she is trying hard to be a big kid like him, and she is going to mess up a lot before she learns how to act. (He might like it if you word it as a weakness on her part due to youth) In addition, remind him that he should be sharing and taking turns, too.

Would it be possible to capture some of their interactions on video? Both good and bad. It might open his eyes how hurtful his mean behavior can be and on the flip side, he could see himself successfully interacting. Video has been a strong reinforcer for my DS.

I never had younger siblings, but I do have a niece who just finished her first year of college. And interestingly, when she was little and I was in my early teens, the issues were similar to this thread. My parents adored her, while they treated me as "some short person who lives in our house". They favored her over me tremendously. Example: they would let her into my room, lock me out, and tell her to take home anything she likes. And I had a lot of different keepsakes and souvenirs in my desk drawers that I knew she would want. She ended up taking a few things, although nothing that I valued with my life. On family outings where she came along, her wish was my parents' command, while I was told to "shut up!" anytime I voiced my discomfort over anything. What compounded the problem is that she was very cute and was well aware of that. So my parents fell for the cuteness hook, line, and sinker. I, obviously, had long outgrown my cute years by then (and I wasn't too cute of a child to begin with), so my opinions were truly, 100%, beyond-all-doubts worthless.

Needless to say, this soured my relationship with my niece until after she had outgrown her cute years. That is, after she lost the ability to use her cuteness to get what she wants. After around first grade, no problem. We played games, read books together, and as she got older, I've given her some advice about school and stuff. (Not dating; understandably, she didn't talk to me about that.)

My reason for pouring out my soul is to bring something to the OP's attention: have you done anything, and I mean anything at all, that gave your son the idea that you love his sister more than him? Example: you're cutting a cake, and you say: "let's give your sister the piece with the flower on it, because she's younger" or "let's give your sister the piece with the flower on it, because she's a girl". You'd be surprised how the smallest things can skew your kids' perception of things, that's ten times true for aspie kids. Ignore the blatant stuff for now, like: "Your sister is younger than you, and even she knows that she needs to say 'good morning' to the teacher!" (not that you'd actually say that). Think back to small stuff, like my example with the cake. So, in your son's mind, he's doing all he can to win back your love, and in his mind, his efforts are unsuccessful.

What can you do to help things? I wish I knew what to tell you. With my parents and my niece, I had no choice but to wait for her to outgrow her cute years. While everything was fine when she got older, I lost out on her younger years, because I expended tremendous amounts of effort making sure my parents didn't stop loving me because a younger, cuter person appeared on the scene. And to this day, I see love as something you have to fight for to keep, although that's related to other incidents that are beyond the scope of this thread.

Aspie1,

not at all. Quite the opposite actually. The world revolves around my son. He s homeschooled, while I am teaching him, working with him, she is left in the dust. I schedule and plan activities for HIM, she is in the waiting room, he has playdates, she watches. I sent her to pre school to give her a break form all her waiting for him. He has therapists who come and work with him, etc...everything is about him. he has anxiety so he sleeps in our bed, she doesn't. If I look at the unfairness, its HER who has it unfair.

not the case, I actually talk to DD about how we need to wait for Jayden, or that he didn't mean it, or that he gets upset and didn't mean to hurt her feelings, etc... and when she is mean to him, she gets the same treatment he does.

its frustrating.

I stand corrected.

Based on how you described things, a conversation is in order. Find out what exactly is making your son uncomfortable being around his younger sister. Actually use the phrase "what's making you uncomfortable?", rather than "why are you being mean?". And try to modulate your tone of voice, so it sounds like an objective mediator trying to bring two opposing parties together, rather than a flight attendant looking to kick someone off an airplane. (This probably goes without saying, but I wanted to use concrete examples.) Have a conversation with the young daughter too, to help her find ways to peacefully leave conflicting situations.

Your son might feel that his younger sister is using her cuteness (she is, after all, younger and cuter) to get her ways, even though you said that life revolves around him. His mind might see things differently. Find out how, as a first step in making peace between him and his sister. Because a bad relationship between siblings during childhood can easily push them apart for the rest of their lives.

thanks,

I have asked him before and his answer is, "I don't know" or he will say things that aren't real or true. My son wants 100% of the time and attention and things to go his way 100% of the time. SO, if he gets 80% and she gets 20%, he is upset and wants her 20% attention too.

His usual answer is its too hard to get along with her But then I ask him isn't it harder to fight and yell? I GIVE him the answers of how to get along with her, how much easier is that? And she is the kind of kid that no matter how mean he is to her, the second he is nice she is sweet back and will do anything for him. It would work if he would just do it, but he refuses.

He does things like say goodnight to me, his dad, his baby brother and walk RIGHT PAST his sister as if she didn't exist. Meanwhile she will go upstairs, get him water, shut the light, open the blinds for him, fix the blankets, kiss him, etc...he cant even say goodnight to her. if they getting out of the van and she is behind him he will shut the door on her, he will hold the house door for al of us and slam it on her, if she is on the stairs he will race as fast as he can and bump her out of the way to get to the top before her. He can NEVER let her win or have anything her own way. When she talks to him he doesn't answer, and if I ask him to answer her it is always in a rude tone of voice and he doesn't listen to what she is saying as she is talking he wil say a rude OK.

I just don't get it. It saddens me to no end to see him so cold to her, so mean and he doesn't even care or try. yet when he wants her to do for him he is al sweet. And no matter how rude he is to her, if he asks her to get him water, to put his dish in the sink, to put his karate clothing away, she JUMPS and will do it casue he is TALKING to her, he is NICE then.

I have a therapist we work with who wil begin to work with the kids on their interactions. I sure hope it helps.