Bizarre Meltdown

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My son is going through the diagnostic process for aspergers, but there really isn't much doubt. I have it, and the symptoms are obvious in him. Insurance issues and divorcing his father have delayed a diagnosis, but for all intents and purposes, he is an aspie. He has meltdowns, less frequently since we eliminated a lot of pointless causes, and I can usually figure out what is behind it. However, one that he had still puzzles me. MAybe some of you have some insight...

Last May when he was 7, my sister graduated high school. She is brilliant and headed for college and a great career, and he boyfriend of 3 years is going to the same college, and it was a very happy occasion. I cried a little simply because I couldn't believe that the baby girl I had given bottles held in one arm and rocked to sleep was all grown up, but he never saw me cry because he was outside with my mom at the time. The whole family went out to dinner, which he usually tolerates well, he can handle the chaos as long as it is people he knows, and had a great time.

That evening on the way home though, he randomly burst into tears. When he calmed down enough to answer when I ask what was wrong, he said "I don't want to go to college!" WTH?? I'm not supposed to have to have this conversation for at least 8 years... I asked him why and he couldn't answer. I told him that he was only 7 and that he had at least 10 years to think about what he wanted to do in the future and that this wasn't anything for someone his age to worry about. He only cried harder. Finally, completely at a loss as to what I was supposed to say, I said "Well, you love mechanical stuff and airplanes, why don't you join the Air Force? Work on planes or maybe become a pilot?" That stopped it dead in its tracks. He had a million questions about the idea, the air force, the planes, could he really be a pilot, all that kind of thing and it was over. In the intervening year, he has changed his mind, as an 8 year old will do, now he wants to go to college and become an engineer and build stuff. I just can't figure what was behind that meltdown, and if I can't figure it out I can't help the next time other than floundering around. Nothing about the evening was portrayed as negative...

My 6 year old will cry that he doesn't want to go to college if people start talking about it around him. What's behind that meltdown is the fear of having to be away from me. He gets a lot of anxiety about growing up and moving out or going away to college. I actually have never brought it up myself, but if other people are talking about it he gets anxiety. I just told him "that's fine, you don't have to." Later, I told him (when it came up again) that there were plenty of colleges in our area, and if he ever wanted to he could live at home and go to one of those colleges. Then, he had anxiety about traveling to college by himself on the bus or train. So he asked if I would take him to college and pick him up from there. I said 'yes.'

I'm assuming he will change his mind about riding the train/bus with me to college at some point when he is older. For now, I try to keep his anxiety about getting older and leaving the nest at a minimum.

Maybe your son had similar worries?

-Fitzi

When I was 6 we were out driving one day, my mother, grandmother and me. Sitting in the back seat I thought about how my mother was the daughter of my grandmother and that once she had lived with them and their home had been her home. Now she lived another place (our home) and one day I would grow up and move out, and the thought made me so sad I burst out crying. My mother asked me what was wrong and I blurted out: "I don't wanna move from home!"
She soothed me and said I didn't have to go before I wanted to, and then I calmed down and felt good again.

Some years ago I was involved with a guy living in Australia (long story). At some point there was talk of one of us moving to the other person's country and I looked around my dear bedroom and just the thought of leaving it behind forever made me cry. I'd miss it so much, and the safety it meant to me.

I'm not at all surprised that a child will cry over the thought of having to go away. I wouldn't call that a meltdown but a natural sadness of changes.

Could also simply be that he saw you crying and didn't interpret it appropriately: it may have connected sadness and loss with college in his head?

Mom says theres no way he saw me crying, they were outside the school for most of the ceremony because she has no faith in his ability to cope with big crowds of people (which he actually does fairly well with when one of us is there. As for the idea that growing up and moving away scared him, that is possible though...

While I think it is important to know what upsets our children to help them cope better, I think sometimes we just don't get a great answer. I feel like a detective much of the time. One of the things that has been helpful is to let my son (now 12) know after the fact that if he has any questions he can ask. So I might say "You know, if you have any questions about college, you can ask." I also might say something like "What do you imagine going to college will be like?" in a playful and open way.

This is such a cute story. Good for you for being able to turn a negative experience about college - into a positive one. Now he WANTS to go to college! Who knows why he cried. Something triggered a fear and maybe he thought college meant he had to go through a process your sister went through .. and hated it. He probably didn't realize he could go to college to pursue his OWN dreams until you spelled it out for him. That's so great!!

My guess is that given the level of maturity he was at emotionally, the thought of leaving home and living on his own seemed devastatingly horrible to him, and he found it impossible to imagine being grown-up so he was expecting himself to feel the way a 7 year old forced to live alone would feel. When in reality, by the time he's old enough to consider going to college, he'll of course have matured quite a bit and will not have the same emotional needs that he has at 7 years old.