husband issues

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Hello everybody. I've been married for almost 6 years. My son is almost 12. Four days after getting married, my husband went to work in Afghanistan. My son saw him once or twice per year for the 5 years he was there. He came home ten months ago.

He is not super mean. He does not physically abuse anybody. He does not use swear words. He almost never raises his voice. He is the most sweet and most loving husband ever to me, and I should know as I've had plenty of husbands. LOL. However, he does not interact very well with my son. I've been on the verge of breaking up several times. I am not the kind of woman who has loyalty to her husband just because. He has to earn it. Breaking up is no big deal to me and in a lot of ways I actually like ending romantic relationships. I like change and I like newness and I don't forgive very well and I am extremely independent and love spending time alone, and my kids and my students pretty much suck up all the energy I have for social interaction. I'm reluctant to devote more to my marriage when I don't like how he treats my son. When we first were dating, he was so so so sweet to me, I just assumed that's how he'd be to my son also, but in reality, he feels his job with children is to "challenge" them so that they can "grow strong" and "deal with the outside world."

So, he's stern with my son. He often catches my son as he's rushing off to do something I've asked him to do. It's darn hard to get DS to do something different, so when I finally get compliance for something like "run downstairs and find the math book and bring it back up", he's on a mission and doesn't like to be interrupted. He will most of the time forget anyway, so if he's interrupted he'll for sure forget. So my hubby will see him running off and will say "hey, come in here and pick up this sock" or whatever, and DS almost always loses it, as it's so hard for him to change gears. Other examples... DS shows him a magic trick and he sternly details how the trick works and what DS did wrong that allowed it to be obvious how the trick works. I buy DS a little pocket multi tool at the flea market and he's proud of it and he shows it to my hubby (who I can't call DH as I'm not feeling very dearly toward him) and hubby says "that is not a very good one, it's not made very well, you should have saved your money." This things used to happen a couple times per week, but they are less now as I've told him to not interact with DS at all if he can't follow my suggestions.

Hubby uses puns a lot. None of us understand them but DS even less so. For example, I say we are having sundaes after dinner. DS is excited. Hubby says "no, we can't have them today because it's Saturday." DS has an immediate meltdown and I explain what hubby means. DS calms down and even asks hubby not to interact with him in that fashion, but hubby can't stop. The puns are CONSTANT.

DS sees a car in a driveway that's for sale and thinks my husband would like it. He thinks it's a certain model of car. We drive by with my husband and DS excitedly says "look, there's the car I saw earlier that I couldn't wait to show you!" My husband laughs loud and says "That car has been sitting there for months." DS says "it's a such and such model." My husband laughs and says "no it's not, it's a such and such." RUDE. Rude arrogant tone of voice.

At dinner, my son explains how he used one of my mom's knifes to help her open a water bottle. My mom is present and says the water bottle didn't have the serrations or cuts or whatever you call them that allow the cap to break away when you twist it and they had a heck of a time. My son explains a bit more how he did it. My husband says very sternly "NO, you do NOT use a knife in that fashion." DS says but grandma said it was OK, grandma was helping me. Hubby still says "NO, you do not do that." I couldn't take it and I said look, when he's with my mom, my mom is in charge, and she's perfectly capable of knowing what he can and can't safely do, and you don't need to be a control freak about it. My mom and dad have helped me raise my son - I was really single for his first 5 years and then operating as a single mom for his second 5 years, and my parents live here on the property in a different house so they are very close.

They are both very into video and board games. They were playing a flying game and taking turns. Hubby wanted to see how a certain plane worked in the game and had my son fly that plane so he could watch. When he crashed, my son said OK now it was his turn to fly the plane he actually wanted to fly. My husband said no, that was his turn. DS said but he only flew that plane bc my husband wanted to see how it was and that shouldn't count as his turn. Hubby said nope, that was his turn. Major meltdown. Etc.

He has gotten better about not putting his hands on DS when he's trying to guide or discipline him. He used to put a hand on his shoulder or on his back to guide him in the direction he wanted him to go and that would always always make DS very mad. I stopped touching DS at age 4 months without getting his prior approval as it was obvious even then that if he didn't know it was coming, he'd freak out... (He's WAY better now especially with me and my mom and dad, but mainly loving touch, not touch meant to guide or discipline - I mostly don't touch him at all during those moments.) Hubby used to do a lot more of trying to discpline DS, such as when we are all in the room together, if DS was doing something hubby felt needed correcting, he'd just spout off with whatever it was, but a lot of the time it was stuff that DS and I had already been doing for years and years, such as where we put our shoes when we come in the door and how DS is allowed to use the couch cushions and when he's allowed to have food and other stuff like that. I cannot and will not put up with somebody saying to DS right in front of me, "Don't sit on the couch like that" when we've done that for YEARS and it's not hurting hubby at all and I, the MOTHER, am sitting right there not saying anything about it. I really feel like he's insulting me and my authority by bringing up stuff that I'm obviously not bringing up as I'm sitting right there.

Some other things. He has to eat the rotten end of the banana because there is nothing actually wrong with it and it's wasteful to throw it away. He was told directly by me that my son eats what he wants and that if I think something needs to change, it's up to ME. This was when we were dating... He's toned it down but will still make a lot of comments about left over food that doesn't get eaten or the amount of salt DS uses or stuff DS doesn't want to try. He also used to go on and on and on about my son's table manners. We eat at my mom's house several times per week, and so I'm there, my mom is there, my dad is banned to his man cave, LOL, but hubby is at the table with us. I'm already talking to DS about his manners, based on how much I think he can handle hearing at that specific mealtime, which is based of course on any number of factors such as how his day has been, how often I've already mentioned a certain behavior, how he's handling me mentioning it, etc. Hubby would be so stern and so frequent in his reprimands that my mom wouldn't allow him to eat at her house anymore. (He's unbanned after saying he won't do it anymore, so far so good.)

And let's see.... Anything in the fridge that hubby likes and that is down to one or two count left are HIS, and not to be taken by DS. If DS takes the last one, maybe he hasn't even had one at all and that's his first one, but my husband will say "that is mine, put it back." My son is not starving by any means, but I don't see how a man thinks he can mess with the food supply for a mother's child and expect that mother to feel loving toward him. One time hubby got out gum and offered me and my daughter a piece and took a piece for himself. My son asked for a piece too and my husband said, "NO, because you only want one because you see us having one." WTF????????

I could go on and on. I guess the other main thing that bugs me is EACH and every time my husband has brought up my son to me in conversation, it has been to say something bad about him. I work in the barn and when I come in my husband is there waiting for me with a long list of "he left a napkin in the living room and he put his shoes at the entrance to the bathroom and he wouldn't stop and answer my question when it was on his way to your mom's house etc etc etc." I feel like I deal with that too, and I don't need to also deal with my husband complaining. Dealing with DS is enough. My husband might even have the right to be upset about certain things DS did, but in the grand scheme of MY life, I have to deal with DS, and I do not have to deal with a husband.

I try not to be too controlling with hubby but I have basically told him that if my son is interfering with his computer work, with him watching TV, in his way and won't move or something like that, he is allowed to say something, but everything else needs to be left to me. I HATE for them to interact when I am not around, because DS is always having meltdowns and explaining things that sound pretty crappy to me but when explained by my husband don't paint him in such a bad light. I don't go anywhere with the two of them if I can at all help it, because DS is always in trouble in the car. For SINGING, can you imagine? And for non stop talking. Yes it gets aggravating and I will often try to get him to stop for a while myself, but I decide when I want to push an issue and I decide when I want to let it slide for a while. If my husband is trapped in a car with my son I suppose he's entitled to be aggravated at different times than I am and by different things. But I can avoid all that by not going anyplace with both of them.

So, argh, there's my rant. I have told and told and told hubby to please try to treat DS like he treats me. I think that would be lovely. I think it would be great modeling. But he can't. I am dreading the teenage years. Although I do have to admit, there have been times that DS has gotten violent and I've almost called my husband for help (usually we are in different parts of the house, or even different houses, as I go to my mom's a lot with my son to get away from my husband) and I've had the thought that I'd better not break up with him because now that DS is getting bigger and stronger I might need him. Frankly I'd prefer to win the lottery and hire a full time psychiatric nurse, but I guess that's not going to happen...

When my husband and I are by ourselves, he is great. Loving, sweet, helpful, funny, still too many puns of course, very smart, a voracious reader, also kind of good at fixing cars and computers, helpful around the ranch, will basically do anything I ask him to do... I have to suspect that not many men would handle my son any better than this one does. I mean the total sum - somebody else might be better at certain things and not as good at certain things. I've been a step mom three different times, and it is hard to a certain extent to be loving and kind to somebody else's kids. I was actually the most amazing step mom ever for all of them but I can feel in my heart that it's harder, is what I'm trying to get across. And I have not met a man or really even a parent of either gender who is what I consider good enough. I basically have the idea that I'm great and I'm right and when I'm not great or right at least my heart was in the right place and I am very good at apologizing. So I know I'm not the easiest to please. Being single does not scare me. I actually love being single probably more than I like being in a relationship. I specifically do not like to co-parent, and I didn't co-parent my daughter (now age 23) with her dad either. So my cavalier attitude about marriage is always at the forefront of my thoughts and I try not to be rash. I don't have a lot of close friends - I'm an introvert and my energy is all used up with my children, my students, my parents and of course my husband. So when my parents die and I retire, I'm going to have extra relationship energy, and will I be mad at myself then for not remaining with my current husband? I don't know, maybe. Will I be able to afford to hire somebody to do the things he does for me? Doubtful. Will I actually want to be married? I don't know.

I just wish there was a way to know for sure how much my husband is damaging my son. Maybe not at all - my son and I talk about it and he knows my husband doesn't have any bio kids and doesn't seem to be all the great with kids. DS does love it when they play games. I've asked DS if he ever thinks about what it would be like if I wasn't with my husband, and he says he doesn't want him out of his life. Kids don't always know what's best for them though. Hubby has said he will do whatever I tell him to do if it means I'll stay married to him. But it gets tiring, and it bugs me that he's not just sincerely a more loving person to kids. I know my son is very hard to live with... so maybe that means only people who love him dearly should live with him.

Sorry, I was doing a lot of cutting and pasting and my pronouns got sort of goofy, but I think it won't be too hard to figure out who I mean when I say "he." Also upon deeper reflection I guess I have met about 10 people who I think are really good enough parents. My prior statement about that was a bit harsh.

Have you tried making a comprehensive list for your husband with all the things you think he needs better guidance on? You aren't going to be able to get him to stop punning, as I bet he has made it into a habit, but most of the rest of it sounds like things he can fix. (The aversion to singing, I am not sure about. as if he is in part aspie or just has sensory issues, it may bug him in a way that is hard to manage)

Maybe he just needs a clear list. It is possible that your husband also needs to adjust b/c he is used to a military level of rigid expectations. Sometimes when rigidities and sensory issues conflict, it can be kind of bad.

The food issues can be a hot button issue with people who have experienced food insecurity in the past, or it can be just a rigid, "I was raised not to waste food" thing. You can probably calm him down by making a compost pile, so it is not truly wasted. My son won't eat the bad part of a banana either.

You have to make your husband understand that this is par, and not a big deal. He has to know what battles are not worth picking, and take his cues from you. I agree with you about trying to keep him from interfering, until/unless he can get with the routine and not contradict you or make changes to your system.

Some of the other stuff sounds like he is intentionally riding him. Maybe it is as you say to toughen him up. Sometimes people get like that about boys, in particular, and this may be part of having just been in Afghanistan. Maybe it will settle out, as you keep explaining it to him. He does need to stop instigating things, though and he has to be less critical. Maybe he needs to understand exactly why this is counterproductive.

On the other hand, your son will need to slowly learn to make some adjustments, too. Maybe write him a social story about puns and word play. My son does not understand them, but he is young enough to think they are fun. As long as your husband changes tone, and makes it fun instead of like he is testing him or treating him like he is stupid, it could end up to where it could be a game. But your husband, will need to make sure he treats it as fun, and tells him the meaning in a good tone, soon after introducing it.

DH can stand for other terms of reference besides dear husband. Di*k-He@d is one that immediately comes to mind. Your post was rather lengthy, so I didn't get to read all of it. I'm having to sneak at work and read this because my own DH is chronically un-/under-employed (often voluntarily) so I don't have internet at home.

You and your husband have very different parenting styles, it sounds like. You have also had many years to work with your son that your husband didn't have.

Does your husband respect your judgment in general, or does he act as if you couldn't possibly know what you're talking about? If he respects you, you should be able to figure out how to work together. Ask him about his own parents, how they treated him and the methods of discipline they used so you'll have a better idea of where he's coming from.

Some quick thoughts:

Your husband would be a great dad for an NT boy, but doesn't seem to understand that your son needs a very different kind of parenting. What worked for him, and what he enjoyed as a boy, won't work for your son. I don't think he is, in his heart, understanding that gap. Ask him a simple question: what does he hope for your son? Then use that as a starting point for talking about how to help your son find the best future for him as a unique being. He has to integrate that difference deep in his core to be able to be effective as a father figure in the household.

You should be sharing pretty much all these feelings with your husband, if you haven't already.

I think your son yearns for stability with respect to who is in his life, and even if your husband makes mistakes, your son can probably eventually adjust to those mistakes - provided he gets a sense that your husband does care about him, and is doing his best. The question for you is, do you feel he does care and is doing his best? Just because he can be critical and has difficulty integrating your advice, doesn't mean he doesn't care or try. But, not being there or knowing him, I can't say if he does or doesn't. Part of what you need to think about and decide, I guess.

I am also a little concerned about how it will model to your son if you consider husbands to be disposable pieces in your life. Who is he relating the most to in these situations, you because you are his constant, or your husband, because he is male like your son? It could easily be some of both and actually very confusing for your son. If you split because of how your husband treats your son, he may also integrate blame onto himself, and that might be factoring in. But, those things said, of course you aren't going to keep someone in your life who harms your kids.

Your husband doesn't have to treat the kids the same way he treats you, but he should be trying to figure out who they are and what they need, and trying to treat them appropriately for them. But it isn't solely a one way street: your son can work on becoming de-sensitized to all those puns, for example, learning to ask you before reacting ("is dad being serious or is that supposed to be a pun?"). You can probably develop a quiet signal between the two of you to use for that purpose. Your son is, after all, going to encounter all sorts of different personalities in his life, and there is no harm in him learning that people joke around in ways that aren't always obvious, as long as he can get the practice and exposure in a relatively low-stress way.

Not easy things to think about and make decisions on, and I guess you and your husband have many long conversations ahead, but maybe you can start with something simple like the pun problem, helping your son not react right away until he's gotten some signal as to if it is a joke or not. To me, that is the sort of thing my son would have been happy to work on, since the problem probably happens at school, too.

Also, don't be afraid to think outside of the box. If you and your husband care about each other and believe in that relationship, but both feel that having him integrated into the family unit isn't going to be successful, you can alter the living situation without getting a divorce. Same if the flip were true. Let life follow the hearts and needs instead of the script.

All marriages have rough patches, and challenge both partners to become better people; I think there is a lot of value in working though an ebb period and seeing how much richer the next flow can become of what is learned in the ebb. But, there has to be a foundation there, and not being a party to your relationship, I can't tell you if it is worth it for you, as unique people. But I will send you good wishes as you work through it. Keep your heart and mind open, and see where they lead you.

Thank you so much everybody! Great helpful discussion.

I'm so lucky that our house is basically a connected duplex. I can pretty easily hang out with DS in one of the units, leaving hubby in the other. It is surely one of the main things saving my sanity. I am also so lucky that I work at home. And that my parents live here. I'm counting my blessings.

My husband does very much respect my judgement. He just doesn't often remember, and he doesn't often have the motivation, and he does think in the back of his head that his way should be working. Maybe secretly he thinks I'm a big coddling spoiling wussy parent and just hasn't told me. But I think that most of the time he's really impressed with all that I go thru and my research skill and knowledge and whatever. He tells me he is. When I've explained why I don't like things and why I think they should be different, he always seems to have an eye opening moment. It just doesn't stick too well. A list would be good. I'll have a star chart for my husband and my son. Ugh.

Which brings me to this: teaching my son is enough. Teaching my husband is too much. Do I care about his presence in my life enough to work on it? I don't know. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I fantasize about how it would be easier when I walk into my house that I know that I am the only one who is in charge and who decides whether or not to stir up a situation with my son and whether or not it's a good idea to try to do some straightening up tonight or if we've already had a stressful day...

As for modeling appropriate relationship stuff, luckily I've only had this relationship during my son's life for him to think about. He has been told I had a couple previous husbands (not including his dad, who I did not marry - long story involving agreed upon abstinence for the time being and a drink at a bar one night that I did not handle well, after which he was under the impression I had consented, and me having no memory of the night and no idea I could possibly be pregnant until a month later when I wasn't getting my period... I guess they call that date rape although the poor guy says that he didn't know I was incapacitated enough that I wasn't actually consenting - we had been dating for a month, so who knows.) Anyway we broke up for good when my son was only a couple months old. So it's not like there have been a bunch of breakups that he witnessed. (My daughter, age 22 now, saw more.) I feel like not putting up with crap is better to model than sticking it out for the sake of the vows or whatever... But the crap isn't all that bad in the grand scheme of things, so I don't know.

I have realized, with the help of this thread and just in general, that the sudden autism diagnosis made a lot of sense to me because I have a degree in psychology, a teaching credential, I have been to a few semesters of graduate school studying education, my daughter had issues, my son was previously studied for autism, and I read about this kind of stuff a lot. But hearing that he has autism for my husband basically means "huh? he's pretty smart and he can talk, so how does that add up?" I guess I have to be proactive in letting him know what it actually means.

Thanks all!