Reward System

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I have been using the reward system for as long as I can remember. It's been very effective when dealing with short term behaviours/situations and when I look at the long term effects, it's taught my son a lesson I feel is unhealthy. He's developed this sense of entitlement and will only follow instructions if he's rewarded somehow.. even with just a point. Of course, it's never a smooth trip from A to B. I have to REMIND/CONVINCE him of what he's working towards. At the end of the day, if he doesn't feel like it, he won't (at least lately).

I have grounded him for the 3rd time since last Friday. We sat down together and discussed how things are going lately. We reviewed a list of rewards/consequences we've been working on and tried cementing how his actions are affecting, not only the people around him, but his own happiness too. After a thorough discussing about responsibility and respect, I asked him to go cut his [long] fingernails. Since he's grounded for the next 4 days, the only reason why he did was because he assumes I'm going to change my mind about our weekend plans. I don't trust his behaviours lately so I postponed an invitation for this coming weekend. He thinks he can cut his nails (with attitude) and by Saturday, I'm going to change my mind. Never mind the more serious behaviours we're dealing with, if he cuts his nails, he gets to go camping.

Not only that, he has developed a materialistic personality. The bulk of our conversations is based on him asking me for "something" - tangible or not. Question after question. If he asks for something and I say yes, then he asks for something more. For example, the other night he had a tantrum because he asked if we could light candles outside when it got dark. I said sure, IF he showed me he was able to manage himself. Then he asked me if he should bring out the tent for me. I said no, since we were NOT having a camp out, and he lost it. He didn't see the point in lighting candles if we weren't having this camp out. I had already told him earlier and SEVERAL TIMES about NOT having a back yard camp out yet, it became a problem anyway. I ended up cancelling the candles and sending him off to bed .. whereas, he could have enjoyed what he had asked for (lighting the candles) and stayed up a bit past his bedtime. He ruined it for himself because he expected me to give him MORE.

I really don't know what to do about this. I don't know how to "spell it out" even more. I've talked. I've written. I've drawn diagrams. I've followed through with consequences. I've rewarded him for positive behaviours - even with just a hug and kiss. I tell him I love him all the time. I remind him about the people who cares for him and supports him. I give, give, give as much as I am able to - to help him learn, grow and understand. I don't know what else I'm suppose to do. We've tapped into the diet. We've tapped into music therapy. We've tapped into supplements. We've tapped into behaviour modifications. We've tried medication (major flop). We've tried visual aides. We've tried and tried and tried. I'm hitting a brick wall here .. just in time for the teenage years!!

I think you are running into two things simultaneously: a communications problem and a problem with myopia or only processing the part he wants to hear.

For instance, I'd bet an awful lot of kids THINK "what's in it for me" just about all the time - but they know better than to SAY it. (Think about it - as an adult, don't you think that? Not like you do favors for friends without assuming they might return it one day.)

The camping/candles thing sounds a lot like his "givens" are different from yours - and so he just assumed that if you agreed to one thing, you were changing your mind about all of it. This article really helped me understand my son's perspective on how things get "grouped" differently for him: http://www.oneplaceforspecialneeds.com/ ... utism.html

FWIW, I would make sure that he gets small rewards for the small things he does right (e.g. the fingernails) even in the middle of being punished - and I'd make them even more concrete in those instances (like, say small change) so it's easier for him to understand that he isn't going to undo the punishment. No matter what, though, he's going to melt down over the punishment - that's normal for even NT kids.

I don't know if this is relevant or not, but this reminds me of my daughter and (embarrassed to say) myself.

I can recall wanting something and thinking it was reasonable that I should get it, and being denied. I did not give up on getting what I wanted but instead thought about ways to manipulate the situation to make getting it more likely.

I would think if small things A, B and C are required for big (wrongfully denied) thing D, then if I ask for A and get it and then as for C and then B, the I will automatically get D because we are so close, etc.

I see my daughter doing it now and finally realize what a pain I must have been to my parents! The problem is another form of inflexibility, I think--you just don't drop the goal. That and misunderstanding how others are likely to perceive a situation leads to the disjunction of expectations: I made my bed, so I really should get a puppy!

I hope this is something that we can learn our way past--I would like to think I have outgrown it! (I will get a reality check on this from my wife)

I know it's human nature to do things for a reward: we work to get paid so we can spend our reward on things we need and want. I also think, in the large scope of things, those rewards should be internal rather than external.. at least that's what I'm trying to teach my son (unsuccessfully). I want him to learn that his actions have huge impacts, even just on himself. I agree and disagree that he should be rewarded over every little positive effort - as a means to teach him how to behave appropriately. At the same time, I want him to learn that positive behaviour doesn't mean he "gets stuff" .. even if it's a praise of a job well done.

My son was grounded yesterday (and today +) and was on his best behaviour because he knows he needs to earn ALL of his points in order to get a passing mark on his weekly report card. Monday-Wednesday he earned an F for each day which means now, he needs to work EXTRA hard to get that C+. He is doing remarkably well. He didn't complain when I reminded him about the shower. He completed his chores without cutting corners. He went to bed on time. When he asked for a camp-out and was denied, he handled it well too. But during dinner, he kept asking me if he was having a good day and commented how he was being "nice" all day. I basically told him he needed to answer that question for himself and explained a little bit about self-awareness. I also told him that being "nice" means to go above and beyond what is expected and usually in effort to do something selfless for someone else. I think he was wanting me to "reward" him with praise like, "Wow, honey! You ARE doing so well today .. blah blah" .. hugs and kisses. Umm, no. I've done that in the past and it's an unrealistic expectation of what real life looks like. So I didn't. I reminded him of why it's important to behave a certain way.

Adam, your post reply made me laugh!!

What's his age? Sounds like my NT 13 year old

Turning 13 soon

Oh, wow, sounds exactly like my 12yo too! So maybe it's the age of being completely self absorbed. I think it's worth plugging away against it bit by bit. My guy thinks he is allowed to play chess on computer any time he likes. I told him a million times he can't do it until all is school work is done, but he still thinks he can play after one subject. GRRRRRRRRR...

ASDsMom, my conclusion is that these are big issues of parenting ASD kids, and it will always be messy. Each solution (diet, reward systems (ABA), modeling, teaching, etc) creates problems of it's own. These kids are smart and persistent. They push against any of your goals. Sometimes I find I stick with an faulty system for too long. And other times not long enough. Sometimes I have to stick with it, but find further solutions to it's problems.

For what it's worth, I think you are on a good track in not over praising him for trying really hard to be nice for a day. He will need to change his thinking and develop internal discipline, but it may take a really long time. It may be really hard for our ASD kids because it's a developmental disorder. That's why, as you are plugging away at your big goal, maybe you still need to catch the fact that he is working hard, kinda like what Momsparky was saying. At lease acknowledge him, if you don't want to praise him.

I think my son will always be using some system of rewards and punishments, and it may always be a bit juvenile compared to that of my NT slightly older daughter; but always with the goal to develop internal changes and then stop the reward system. I'm hoping our speech therapist can help make our goals more clear to my son.