Son frustrated by his own special interest

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So, DS's special interest for the last several years is a highly popular video game. Because of the violence, for a while we restricted it, but let him by the related paraphernalia including the novelizations (reading it didn't seem to have the same effect on his behavior as seeing it.) Like with most special interests, DS became a walking encyclopedia on it before he'd ever played it. This past year, DS has done so well in handling so many difficult situations that we relaxed our rules about this game. We first let him play it if a friend had it and then we finally got it for him as a reward.

Here's the problem: DS himself admits that this obsession is getting in the way of his social life. He is angry at himself for being "wired" to be so obsessive that this game gets in the way of his friendships, but yet he doesn't want to move away from it.

The game is causing him to backslide in social interactions in a couple of ways: most kids in his little group at lunch (who I tend to think are pretty much jerks) have played this game and moved on, and are talking about games he strongly dislikes. He's getting teased for liking a game they've moved past; he told me that they sometimes even leave the lunch table when he brings it up. More importantly, when he has good friends over to play this game, he is so obsessed with doing it "the right way" that he treats them really badly: he is a sore loser, will do things that undermine his friends' ability to play, and is generally snappish and rude with them. We've had friends refuse to hang out with him unless they can agree on a different game, and then he is often sulky and mean because he can't play his obsession.

DS values and wants these friends. He is torn between wanting to escape into this game world, and wanting to keep friends. Unfortunately, even the friends who have been patient with him are getting more and more frustrated, and we're seeing less and less of them. DS understands why this is happening, but instead of trying to make changes, tries to find blame - either with himself, with his friends, with his neurology, sometimes with me - but he doesn't want to DO anything about it.

I've suggested that he save playing this game for "me time" and play it alone, but he realizes that the game doesn't make him happy - he's played through it and now the only way to play that's different is with another player, but he can't handle the socializing in the context of this obsession. There's some degree that this game offers a way to connect socially, but he doesn't understand that social connections require more than a single thing.

In the past, DS usually had an obsession we could work with: when it was being an astronaut, we were able to take trips to museums and things like that. This doesn't have anything we can really use to draw him out into the world. What's worse, DS seems to recognize this and feel powerless about it.

Any ideas? We keep talking about it, but DS is very fatalist about the whole thing and doesn't understand that there is anything he can do.

I think there is a degree of truth to that - and also, this game is a substitute for something he really needs (much like a drug) unlike his other special interests.

Problem is, much like drugs (though I do want to say this isn't quite as extreme,) he has to come to the realization that he has control over this. Me trying to control access doesn't seem to work. I don't want to set up a situation where instead of us dealing with this openly, he starts sneaking around.

As a parent, I really am struggling lately with the line between my son's autonomy and my place as his teacher. I want him to become independent - this situation stands in the way - but if I continually intervene in situations like this, I am also standing in the way of his independence.

I really wish there was a manual...

The lines between addiction and special interest can be blurry and, personally, I think many computer games are designed to create addiction. Or, if not designed that way, still easily susceptible to it, like many things on the computer. What may have started as a genuine special interest most likely has turned into something else.

I think his admission that he needs "more" from it than he can get is what you build your discussion with him on. Talk about that and see if he can get to the realization that the game is controlling him more than he is controlling it. Then have him agree to what you are both going to do about it. He may not have the self-control to break away himself, but he may have enough self-awareness to be able to agree that needs to be done. When he willingly hands enforcement over to you, that will be his way of "doing it himself." It won't end rants and frustration in the moment, but it will mitigate them and help him cope.

Be mindful that he may look for another "drug" to replace this one. He may have an addictive personality, that looks for things to grab him when he needs to escape the other burdens of his life. That isn't an easy thing to handle by yourself; you need someone else to keep showing you the truth of it. I know what you are saying about independence, but some things are beyond most people to deal with all by themselves, and addictions are one of them.

If it's really a drug-like addiction, I would find something to replace it with - BEFORE trying to forcibly remove or cut down on this game. If it's something done out of boredom, he needs something else to do. I imagine there'll be a lot of resistance at first, but he'll eventually find something else he likes - more like a "normal" special interest than a drug addiction.

Also, I wonder if maybe he's putting too much pressure on himself to be "social"? I've done that most of my life, and that has generally resulted in being bored to tears in groups of people I don't mix with at all - further cementing my negative sentiments towards socializing. People he can GENUINELY relate to are probably few and far between, so I would also suggest being VERY liberal about age differences, to expand the pool of people. I think if you consider it more "OK" not to socialize, your son will feel better about the situation, and have more energy to socialize when he decides he wants to. As such, your son's bad feelings about the game may be mainly self-pressure to be social.

Thinking about Comp_Geek_573's angle ...

At about your son's age, my son's interest was a table top game that very few of his friends played. Those he shared the interest with were kind of rocky matches for him, and the whole thing was difficult.

I remembering suggesting he get interested in a different variation that had a larger player base, but he had a million reasons he wasn't interested in that variation.

And then he finally got interested in a game that has a large enough player base to have one night a week designated for it at the local game store, and even though he is awful at the game, he continued with it because it was one of the few ways he could combine his interest in gaming with being social.

It took a while for him to get there, but by trying out a few different things he did eventually connect to something that met his divergent needs.

There are also several computer games he is interested in, but we've told the kids they can't obsess over just one. Basically, we got tired of them living Mindcraft. Now they are into League of Legends (if I have that right) and we have strict rules on when they are allowed to start an engagement (being multi-player, it is rude to leave a game mid-process to eat dinner, do homework, or go to bed).

I find the whole area to be tricky, quite honestly, and something we parents need to keep a constant eye on.

Right - the problem is not that he's bored (we do have plenty of other games he can play which he does enjoy playing) and he has access to other things he likes to do. It's more about this thing, which I think he started purposely to make social connections, taking over and making social connection even harder.

He has "private" special interests - mostly animals - that don't take over his whole life or his social experience (he's aware nobody else is as interested as he is) unless we go on a trip to the zoo.

Since this is an adult game, I don't particularly want him to get involved with the social groups associated with it. I do agree about being liberal about age range - his close friends are already a year ahead of him in school - but it's not so easy to put into practice, and I don't want to be policing the behavior of young adults who might share this particular interest.

What I have come up with - I'm going to try to start a "science club" at his school to see if we can put him in touch with the nerdy kids, rather than the gamer kids he's hanging out with now. Hopefully, some of those kids might share his other interests - one part of the problem is this group of kids. I don't have a problem with gaming persay, but I don't see it going anywhere positive: other kids are always going to be developmentally able to handle things he can't, at least for the time that gaming is a social activity. He does some social skills classes with other Aspies, but the problem is that since they're all struggling, he doesn't wind up making friends as much as he winds up learning from bad examples.

I also don't want him to wind up being unable to manage his virtual life vs his real life when he gets older. An awful lot of parents of older teens and young adults come here to ask how to unstick their children from games so they can learn to be independent. It scares me a lot....

Thanks everyone for your input; keep it coming! I really appreciate having different points of view on this issue.

I don't know how old your kid is, I have a 6 and 8 year old. The six year old is obsessed with the wii, and particularly this one game. He was totally acting like a drug addict with it. I ended up banning wii time to only the weekends. I got him to not totally freak out about this new rule by telling him that too much time playing video games is not good for the brain, it changes the brain chemistry, etc. I do think this is true but, as he has anxiety about his health, it was the angle that worked. Prior to that, I had let them play after homework was done for a short time. He got so obsessed, though, that it wasn't going to work. It took a few months before he stopped talking about it all the time still. He still will act out the game in pretend play. Actually, most of his pretend play is video game related. But, I did get him back into legos as well.

For him, socially, it doesn't help either. Most of the kids in his class had never played the games he talked about all the time. A few who had older siblings did. But, he is so challenged socially right now, that it didn't make that much of a difference.

Also, I use the wii time as a point system for good behavior. If you do x,y and z and try not to do a, then you earn a certain amount of time on the wii. It doesn't totally work, but I can sometimes curb the meltdowns with it.

-Fitzi

My son is 12 - we do use the game system on a restricted basis, and he has to earn his time. I didn't even allow a game system for years for this very reason - we just got it a year ago.

I also talk to him about how gaming can be bad for you, but since he's in good health, exercises, and is given considerably less time than his friends, it's not a deterrent for this obsession, which extends outside of game time.

My parents could have wrote alot of this about myself a decade ago and for some hope, it may end on its own. He has played through it and can't find others to play with so it may/likely will become boring and too stagnate for him to hold his intrest. Its intresting you mention that he may have started this intrest to for social reasons and he relises this intrest is getting in the way of that, if thats true hes contridicting himself, does he relise that? Its intresting how special intrests start and end however it sounds like this one is maybe actually coming to an end, maybe all he needs is something to replace it as the block of time and routine the current one fills will need to be filled and restored. Perhaps you can try to simply expose him to interesting things, places, people, movies, ideas hobbies etc. and see if anything catches his intrest. Just hope there won't be a sequel! Just my thoughts on the topic.

I find for me the routine and related beheaviour will often outlive the actual intrest a little until that one day my head just figures out its over and either goes back to an old intrest or starts a new one. I think the reason the routine lives on longer is becouse I remember and know the good feeling I used to get yet and I keep trying to relive it, when he gets that feeling from something else the old intrest will likely die almost instantly, I think and hope. This is very frusterating to go through.

My suggestion won't be popular or easy to do, but I think it'll work.

Since he sees what it's doing and can't stop then it's up to you to make it stop. You are the adult and he doesn't yet have the self control. You take it away. Completely. For three months. Not even "me time". Nothing at all with it for that long. Make sure he knows it's that long. He may throw fits, he may do all kinds of things, but do not give in. It will be hard if this is the first time you have done something like this. Remind him that you are actually helping him in the long run.

Sometimes, as much as we want to be the cuddly soft parent, cushioning the blows from the outside world for our kids, we have to be the bad guy. It's better for them to deal with crap this way, with us, than it is for them to deal with longer lasting consequences from others.

I rememberthat kind of thing being done to me, but because I was driving everybody at home crazy with it. I threw such fits that I am even in awe to this day. Hours of head banging on the carpet, screaming till I was hoarse, kicking the floor and everything around me. It did not work. I kept at it. Not just to make it worse, but just because I couldn't help it. Eventually things died down, then as soon as I'd find out again that they meant it, it would start back. After a while I got it. For me it was like this "End of the world! End of the world! End of the world! <for days> then suddenly Eh, ok, whatever". Once you withstand that it will get better. At least it did for me. And no matter how bad it is for you, it will be worse for him, BUT, in the long run it's better. He has to learn deprivation NOW rather than later. It's much harder to learn when you get older. It seems cruel, but it is not.

I would suggest taking everything related to that game out of his room THEN telling him. Do NOT expect cooperation. You will not get it. I know that I will not willingly to this day, give up something that means a lot to me, but at times I have to. It will get better for him, although it may not look like it will at first.

I can give you an example of how an NT kid deals with it as well if you want. I can tell you about how we took basketball away from my oldest when his grades were bad. We had one bad night. One surley next day and then that was it. You will NOT have that with an AS kid. He may say he hates you. Deal with that. He doesn't. Just do it, for his sake.

Your job as a parent is not just to take care of him, but also to teach him the ways of the world and prepare him for it. Sometimes those last two things are in opposition to the first, which is the thing you feel you should do. Being a parent is hard on the parent, but your job is to make him ok to be on his own. Being soft on this won't help him learn about other obsessions later on. A video game, in and of itself, isn't a big deal. Not a problem. It's the fact that he can't stop obsessing over it and doesn't understand that being deprived of it isn't the worst thing ever that is the problem. He has to find that out and he WONT willingly learn that. You have to teach it to him.

You have to be the hardass here. The bad guy. Do it.

I got faith in you. Put all your love for him and caring for him into this decision. It truly is for the best. I can tell you this much. I could tell you some stuff that was took away from me when I was 10 and 11 but it would sound crazy. But for real, do it.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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